DPs behaviour

[RachelGreen45]

DP has a lot of mood swings and odd changes in behaviour for no real reason, he says he’s depressed but refuses to get help. I think it could be something more than depression, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety after DC2 and it never made me behave like an arsehole.
He can go from being perfectly fine. Then out of no where he’s like his arse for no reason, won’t speak to me. Snaps at me when I do try and speak to him. Won’t bother with the children spends most of his day just trying to get away from all of us. If I ask what’s wrong or if I’ve done anything he’ll answer with something like ‘well what could you have possibly done?’ In a snappy tone. Most of the time I’ve no fucking idea what I’ve done so I just keep my mouth shut. I find myself walking on egg shells around him quite a lot to avoid these outbursts. I have tried talking about it a few times and he just says ‘it’s okay we just don’t communicate’ and I don’t think it’s the case I try speaking to him he just ignores me.
His behaviour has effected our sex life for a long time and he won’t have any of it. He can go all day barely speaking to me, leaving rooms when I come in and practically ignoring the kids then when we go to bed he expects me to be in the mood. Then his mood gets even worse when I’m not. When we try and discuss our sex life or lack of, he seems to thinks it’s a me problem not an us problem and won’t accept that his behaviour plays a factor. I’ve tried pointing it out to him and saying ‘oh are you only being nice to me because you want sex’ in a jokey type way and he kicks off, he’ll say oh just forget it.
The kids don’t seem to notice his moods as far as I can tell anyway, he’s not the most hands on at the best of times. He works full time and I’m a SAHM, he gets in too late to spend time with them on a night he only just makes bedtime and then on a weekend he can’t be arsed either. He only seems happy when he’s on his own upstairs where he can lay around on his phone.
I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with, hes very dependent on me for everything, can’t do anything for his self, can’t cook can’t wash his own clothes nothing. In his mind I’m fully responsible for him, if he hasn’t eaten all day he’ll try and make me feel bad about it. I don’t, I have 2 children that I prepare 3 meals a day for I don’t think I need to be responsible for feeding him aswell. Especially when he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence.
I think I’m just having a rant here really, has anyone got the same? What do you do to make them realise how much of a wanker their being?

I would make it a condition of the marriage that he gets help or moves out. Has he got any family he could go and live with? I know it's difficult to move at the moment but hopefully not for too much longer.

I mean, I really just don't see the point of him. Apart from his salary, what does he bring to the relationship?

No I haven't got the same and I dont know why you would tolerate such shitty treatment. It's not that he cant cook or wash his own clothes, he just doesnt want to do anything for himself.

Your life sounds miserable with him.

Also, you aren't going to convince him hes a wanker so don't waste your breath

He won't change. He won't even try to understand until you shock him to the core by telling him that you are splitting, and REALLY MEAN IT. This isn't any way to live, it's supposed to be good having a partner.

Well he sounds deeply unpleasant mental health condition or not - you shouldn’t stay with someone who treats you like this.

I don't have the same and I wouldn't put up with it. Just how long has he been acting like this? So he thinks he can treat you like shit yet you still have to look after him, do everything for him, never question him, and even have sex with him?

He sounds horrible and pointless. What does he add to your life, op?

I'd be asking him to leave.

Men often go weird like this when they are having an affair. Either way, he sounds like he has mentally checked out and you are 'spoiling his fun' like he is 12. Chucking him out might wake him up, or might not, but will definitely improve your life.

This sounds like domestic abuse OP. Walking on eggshells is never a good thing.

He can be really great at times, if we ever get a child free night and go away for the night or get to go out together alone he’s fine. I actually have a fab life I’ve got great family and friends, I’ve got used to his behaviour and I mainly ignore it now if he’s really bad me and DC go out and enjoy ourselves. But no he doesn’t add much to my life.
I’ve thought about trial separation but my worry is how would he cope with the children alone, I’ve already said he’s not the most hands on I’m not sure he’d be able to take care of them alone.
@NoHardSell I don’t think he’s having an affair he rarely goes out and I know most of the people he works with so i doubt he’d pull off a work affair. But yes I’m definitely spoiling his fun, I think a lot of it stems from his childhood, only child and only grandchild he’s been spoilt and allowed to get away with spoilt little shit behaviour his whole life.
@frugifanatic I’ve never thought of it as abuse, i know he’d never hit me he’d be scared I fought back. I think I’m probably tougher than him. I have wondered if he could be considered a narcissist based on some of his traits.

My exh had depression - diagnosed but refused meds. Very reliant on me as you describe..blamed me for all his woes and lack of positivity..
Magically came good when it was pub night or playing golf...
His behaviour affected my dc - as did his financial abuse.. Luckily not his dc.
I threw him out and filed for divorce.
Best decision ever.
Ultimatum time imo op. Seek professional help or you will seek legal advice.

I’ve thought about trial separation but my worry is how would he cope with the children alone, I’ve already said he’s not the most hands on I’m not sure he’d be able to take care of them alone.

He would not bother to learn manage (is not rocket surgery) and that's why he would barely ever have them.

This is normal with selfish wankers.

Also normal is to tell you he would have them 50:50 or even more. Is total arse. Obviously if you think about it.

So he can be pleasant when the kids aren’t about and all of your attention is on him? But he can’t be nice the rest of the time, even though you running around after him like a blue arsed fly? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
Sorry, but what you have is a manchild, you need to kick him out. Life would be so much easier my lovely!
And I can guarantee, the kids DO notice that he can’t be arsed with them!

It sounds like you're his mum! You shouldn't have to put up with all of that. He should be doing a share of the chores and not acting like a teenager with the avoiding you.
You definitely need to have a chat with him about this, in a non confrontational way. Make sure you've written down key points of how you feel.
I would also recommend couples counselling for the breakdown of communication.

@Sunnydayshereatlast sounds very familiar! Also the sudden change in mood when it means going out with friend. He’s always full of it when he’s out with his friends. Most social events include alcohol tho, his relationship with alcohol isn’t great he normally comes home and wants to pick a fight. He gets ignored I rarely give into him.

@TorkTorkBam oh absolutely he’s already said incase of separation he’d want 50:50 how he’d ever cope 50:50 is beyond me considering he loses his shit after a couple of hours alone with them.

To be fair it sounds like depression.
He isolates himself. Then he craves sex as proof he’s lovable and not a piece of shit.
Many people with depression can keep doing their jobs and putting on a mask of doing alright when around friends and colleagues.

So yes, he needs professional help. I would not be surprised to learn that he has had suicidal thoughts but the only thing stopping him is leaving you, a SAHM and his children destitute and homeless.

I know you feel you are last on his priority list, but he may be so depressed that you are literally all that is keeping him here alive.

Urge him to call a crisis line (NHS dial 111) and be 100% honest about his thoughts and feelings. He may be afraid you will toss him on the streets if he reveals his weakness.

He's behaving exactly like my ex husband did when he was having an affair behind my back and was trying to start arguments so he had an excuse to leave for good, right down to the sex.
When he did finally storm off after a big argument he said it was because we were always arguing and we never had sex.
he forgot to mention the OW.

Torktork
“Rocket surgery” gave me a laugh! Best typo ever.

I think it could be something more than depression

It's called being an abuser.

Right down to him raising the 50/50 point on the kids. And being able to control his "moods" for everyone else. Textbook.

Depression does not make people engage in sexually coercive behaviour and it is repugnant to claim it does.

@Tunnocksmallow yes he’s a man child definitely! That sums it up yes when he has full attention on him he’s a lot easier to deal with.

@HellsBells92 he will sometimes do chores if he feels like it, I appreciate I should do the most as a SAHM but on a weekend I appreciate a hand. Likewise if grandparents take the children I expect a hand in cleaning and tidying but majority of the time he’ll lay out and watch TV. I’ve tried to chat with him a few times but he won’t have anything said against him. I’ve also asked for couples counselling before to help with communication but I think he’s a bit scared he might get some home truths.

@madcatladyforever I doubt he’s having an affair if he is he hasn’t seen her through lockdown and he’d struggle to pull off a work affair.

@user1972548274 your not the first on here to suggest his behaviour as abusive. I think it’s hard to recognise when it’s happening to you. I’m not sure tho if it is abuse I must infuriate him because he very rarely gets a rise out of me. He also controls his moods around his grandparents too but not his DM she knows what he’s like. She’s witnessed his behaviour a few times.

For 13 yrs , I was in your relationship!
I was, effectively, a single parent for all that time.
When DC were 10 & 6, I left.
My DC have a great relationship with their father now, he had no choice but to be their Dad!
We get on bettet too, in that he apologised after 5yrs and knows how shit he was & how much he f*ed up!

@Lollypop4 I think this is how we could turn out. I think part of his issues are being in a family he’s said before he doesn’t think he’s cut out to be a parent.

His behaviour has effected our sex life for a long time

Who can blame you OP, who'd want to shag someone who treats them like that?

There's no fun in all this for you, it sounds awful.

The kids don’t seem to notice his moods

I'm sure they do you know. At best, they don't know any different so think it's normal. My dad was like this and it was very damaging due to the level of anxiety caused by walking on eggshells so much. I've never been able to work.

It will also effect their expectations and behaviour in relationships.

hes very dependent on me for everything

My mum and dad split up (thank fuck) when I was about 18. My dad mysteriously managed to get a grip once he was single, because he had to.

if he hasn’t eaten all day he’ll try and make me feel bad about it. I don’t

Glad to hear it.

What do you do to make them realise how much of a wanker their being?

I think they hardly ever admit it, or if they do they'll claim they can't help it, or that it's their partner's fault.

he’s already said incase of separation he’d want 50:50 how he’d ever cope 50:50 is beyond me considering he loses his shit after a couple of hours alone with them.

I'm not an expert, but I imagine if it does start out as 50:50 his side will reduce fairly soon.

your not the first on here to suggest his behaviour as abusive

Of course it is- your life is overshadowed with his being an arsehole, plus he's sexually coercive.

I’m not sure tho if it is abuse I must infuriate him because he very rarely gets a rise out of me

Just because he doesn't get a rise out of you doesn't mean it's not abuse. And it's not because you infuriate him, it's because he's a wanker. He has some sort of personality disorder, or at the very least wanker disorder.

@NoMoreDickheads that’s exactly it the behaviour is soo unattractive.
I really hope he doesn’t effect my children their both girls too, I have told him before I’d hate for them to end up with someone like him and he didn’t even seem that offended so he must know his behaviour isn’t ok.
He tries to make me feel bad about a lot of things and I don’t. Maybe I’m part of the problem in that sense.
I don’t actually think he’d get 50:50 he works full time for 1 he’d never get it he’d get weekends at a push and he wouldn’t want that because it would prevent him having a social life.
I’m not sure if he’s sexually coercive, he’s never made me do anything I don’t want to and I never have sex purely to please him. If I’m not feeling it it’s a no. He doesn’t push it he just sulks.
Yes i suppose it’s not all about the reaction. I’ve said previously I think he’s a narcissist, when I look up symptoms and causes and the complications it can have on your life he ticks most boxes.