DPs behaviour

[RachelGreen45]

DP has a lot of mood swings and odd changes in behaviour for no real reason, he says he’s depressed but refuses to get help. I think it could be something more than depression, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety after DC2 and it never made me behave like an arsehole.
He can go from being perfectly fine. Then out of no where he’s like his arse for no reason, won’t speak to me. Snaps at me when I do try and speak to him. Won’t bother with the children spends most of his day just trying to get away from all of us. If I ask what’s wrong or if I’ve done anything he’ll answer with something like ‘well what could you have possibly done?’ In a snappy tone. Most of the time I’ve no fucking idea what I’ve done so I just keep my mouth shut. I find myself walking on egg shells around him quite a lot to avoid these outbursts. I have tried talking about it a few times and he just says ‘it’s okay we just don’t communicate’ and I don’t think it’s the case I try speaking to him he just ignores me.
His behaviour has effected our sex life for a long time and he won’t have any of it. He can go all day barely speaking to me, leaving rooms when I come in and practically ignoring the kids then when we go to bed he expects me to be in the mood. Then his mood gets even worse when I’m not. When we try and discuss our sex life or lack of, he seems to thinks it’s a me problem not an us problem and won’t accept that his behaviour plays a factor. I’ve tried pointing it out to him and saying ‘oh are you only being nice to me because you want sex’ in a jokey type way and he kicks off, he’ll say oh just forget it.
The kids don’t seem to notice his moods as far as I can tell anyway, he’s not the most hands on at the best of times. He works full time and I’m a SAHM, he gets in too late to spend time with them on a night he only just makes bedtime and then on a weekend he can’t be arsed either. He only seems happy when he’s on his own upstairs where he can lay around on his phone.
I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with, hes very dependent on me for everything, can’t do anything for his self, can’t cook can’t wash his own clothes nothing. In his mind I’m fully responsible for him, if he hasn’t eaten all day he’ll try and make me feel bad about it. I don’t, I have 2 children that I prepare 3 meals a day for I don’t think I need to be responsible for feeding him aswell. Especially when he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence.
I think I’m just having a rant here really, has anyone got the same? What do you do to make them realise how much of a wanker their being?

"He says he's depressed." So he either addresses this or stops being a dick. You said it - being depressed doesn't mean automatically acting like an arsehole.

Imagine your life without him in it. Does your home feel more relaxed? Does breathing feel easier?

Why are you with him?

@whatifitallgoesright I have told him he needs to get help if this is the case but he just won’t, I know depression can’t just be switched off but I think some of the arsehole behaviour could definitely be controlled.
My home would be more relaxed definitely but maybe more lonely also, he can be really great sometimes. We have some really nice evenings when the babies are in bed. It’s just the good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad.

I would care most about him not caring enough about the impact on you to go get help. Even if the good outweighed the bad, how do you ever get past that you just aren't important?

He tries to make me feel bad about a lot of things and I don’t.

That is emotional abuse and I'm glad if this aspect of it doesn't work on you.

I have told him he needs to get help if this is the case but he just won’t,

I think he's claiming he's depressed as a way of trying to get away with the behaviour.

Depression can effect people's behaviour in a bad way, but not to this extent IMO. Either way, as PP's said, if he thinks he's depressed he should get help for his supposed depression.

He is sexually coercive; it's coercion even if it doesn't work- well, shall we see pressurising/manipulative? I think he tries to manipulate you by sulking- and when he nags when he knows you don't want it.

I really feel sorry for him if he's depressed, everything just looks dark and there's a constant black cloud over you. He might lash out over frustration but it's unfair on you.
I really hope he speaks to someone. My DP was also depressed, moody and saw his GP. I actually gave him a ultimatum of 6 weeks to make some progress or I'd leave. He was later down the line diagnosed with low testosterone which explained it all.

@TorkTorkBam I never thought of it like that but yes very true!
@NoMoreDickheads I have thought this to, I think he uses depression as an excuse to behave like shit, he’s fine whenever he’s doing anything that solely benefits him. Or something that he finds fun. I never thought of it like that but I guess it makes sense.
@HellsBells92 I too sympathise with mental illness but I am almost certain there’s more to his behaviour than depression. I think I might have to use that same ultimate. If not for me for DC at least they deserve better I don’t want them thinking this is normal.

He probably thinks that, because he brings in the money and you're a SAHM, he doesn't need to do anything else. That It's your job to do everything else for the children, around the home, laundry and - oh yes - have sex whenever he wants it.

I think part of his issues are being in a family he’s said before he doesn’t think he’s cut out to be a parent.
Bit late in the day for him to realise this. He's 50% responsible for his children existing and it's surely time he rolled up his sleeves and got on with it.

How are you fixed financially if your marriage failed, OP? It may not come to that but it won't hurt for you to investigate the options if one day, sooner or later, he decided to leave or you decided you'd had enough. Knowing your options may make you feel more confident if you decided you'd had enough. www.turn2us.org.uk
www.entitledto.co.uk and/or check out the CMS site for child maintenance.
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I hope, whatever you decide, that things improve for you. 🌹

@Happynow001 yes he does think like that! Also he was mainly raised by grandparents, his grandmother does everything. Grandfather and DP have been waited on hand and foot. He’s been waited on all his life it’s hard work training it out of him.
I’ve explained it like that to him before I said I need him to take on more responsibility. He seems to thing he already does. Yet can’t prepare their food, doesn’t know where their clothes are can’t assemble things like a pram or install a car seat🤦🏽‍♀️.
We’re not married so no financial ties. I lost my job while pregnant with DC1 then got caught on the pill when she was only a few months old (13 month age gap) so finding a job was difficult to say the least. We have priced up nursery but it looks like it would cost my full wage and eat into DPs so it’s cheaper for me to be home at the minute. I do also like being home with them. I think I’d probably have to go on benefits until I could find something to fit around DC. The house is mine so he has no ties to this.

RachelGreen

re your comment:-
"I’m not sure tho if it is abuse I must infuriate him because he very rarely gets a rise out of me. He also controls his moods around his grandparents too but not his DM she knows what he’s like. She’s witnessed his behaviour a few times".

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature, its also about power and control. This man wants absolute over you. He does not get a rise out of you always probably also because you become quiet, walk on eggshells and otherwise become subservient to him in his presence. Abuse like you describe is indeed insidious in its onset and creeps up on people. He targeted you, of that I have no doubt at all. He saw a "strong woman" to take down with him, some abusers like these types of women because it presents them with an additional challenge to take down with him. He is dragging you and in turn your kids down with him.

You are in the thick of an abusive relationship and your children are being affected by all this around them as well. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have this model of a relationship you are showing them as adults?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

What you write about him all points to him being abusive.
This man hates women, ALL OF THEM particularly his mother who left her son at that time with her grandparents.

You are not married to this man nor have financial ties to him. You can indeed get him out of your home, your children will also thank you for doing that. Get legal advice too. I would seriously consider obtaining both non molestation and occupation orders re him as well going forward.

His abuses will take you a long time, perhaps years now, to recover from and your recovery from this has not started yet. Womens Aid would be of great benefit to you now as would their Freedom Programme.

oP I think you've married my exH.

In all seriousness, he won't change, you need to get a job to support yourself and you need to divorce him, and go for 50/50 custody so he no longer has a choice whether or not to be a good parent.

It's not what you wanted to hear but it's the only solution that will free you from this awful dickish manchild.

Just read you're not married. That's one positive!

Childcare may well eat into your wages, but if you're both taking responsibility for them, and using your free hours then you really should consider becoming financially independent from him. The longer you are out of work the harder it is to find another one, sorry.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

And as for him wanting 50/50 this is what these types often fling at their target as well. They say that because they can and its hurts because they know its the woman's achilles heel. He would never get 50/50 at all; he cannot even be all that bothered with them now.

I'm currently live through the same OP. It's horrendous. I get picked apart for nothing, it's like he walks about trying to find things to kick off about. Then to his friends and family he's happy and smiley, I don't think anyone really sees this side of him other than me. Really got no advice but will be reading this thread.. I know i need to get out but I feel stuck right now. I keep hopi it'll get better or he'll realise and admit he has issues but can't see that happening anytime soon. I can't waste my life like this. Hand hold here xx

I've just read all your replies OP. We may be married to the same guy..(!) you describe my exact situation down to the last detail... also think my DH has narcissistic traits/depression? But it also magically disappears as soon as company arrives or if he's going out with his mates

With the 50/50 let him try make sure he knows your not watching them so he can work or paying for childcare on his time his time his responsibilities

If you split and go on benefits if your a low earner you should get some back in your benefits you just have to claim for it (its slightly complicated but doable)

@AttilaTheMeerkat I definitely didn’t grow up on a home like this my dad was a good man, my parents worked a lot but on their weekends off my dad especially made effort to take me and DS out and entertain us. I have brought this up before to DP when discussing other man child behaviour and his excuse is ‘he’s only young he still needs a life’. I think he probably regrets having the kids I think he like the idea of living only for his self.
I think I never thought of it as abuse because it’s different to abuse I’ve experienced before, I was physically abused as a teen by my first ever boyfriend. I’d like to think I’m stronger now.
I also know he’d never get 50/50 he wouldn’t even want it if it came down to it.

@geekatheart yes exactly the same as mine, yesterday he was an utter arse wipe but today he’s fine, even played with the kids for a few hours. I hope the same in some ways and in others I like the idea of life without him xx

OP my DH also had a very entitled upbringing, spoiled rotten, now behaves like a spoiled brat if he doesn't get his own way. I imagine life without him too. But I always get scared about finances/giving up the kids and I back away. I need to get a grip and try and get financially independent. It's not easy to find a job that would be flexible enough to sort kids school runs etc or would afford wrap around childcare and I'm mid 40s. That's why I feel stuck. Atmosphere here is awful though. I'm having to ignore and you have that stomach churn feel the whole time.

"I think I never thought of it as abuse because it’s different to abuse I’ve experienced before, I was physically abused as a teen by my first ever boyfriend. I’d like to think I’m stronger now."

I am very sorry this happened to you, that was not your fault nor were you to blame. You got away from him though and you can ultimately get away from this man who is really another abuser. You cannot afford to let your girls grow up thinking that yes this is how men treat women. You are "strong" in some ways yes but not in others in terms of overall self worth and he knows this and capitalises on this too. Men like this do harm to boundaries and yours were already weakened by previous abuse. As their mother you are showing them that currently at least this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level. Its no legacy to leave them.

Your family are supportive; lean on them, contact Womens Aid and keep posting here too.

Abuse is not just physical and this relationship you are now in is abusive in nature too.

re your comment:-
"But I always get scared about finances/giving up the kids and I back away".

Do you want this also for your children, no you do not.
Do not keep backing away, feel the fear and do it anyway!!!. This man only cares for his own self and his own wants (social life), certainly not you or for that matter his children. He uses the threat of 50-50 against you because he can and because it works for him, it keeps you submissive and bowed down to him. You really think he would get let alone wants 50-50; the man works full time as it is. Between that and his social life there is no room for his children.

His abuses will take you a long time, perhaps years now, to recover from and your recovery from this has not even started yet. Womens Aid would be of great benefit to you now as would their Freedom Programme. The abuse he metes out now towards you is not your fault, that is all on him. These men hate women, all of them and that would include your girls too.

@geekatheart our situations are near identical, I’m scared to leave for those exact same reasons.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes your right I do need to set a better example for my girls I’d hate for them to be with someone like him. I’ve said that too him before and he wasn’t even bothered! I think I cling on to the person he used to be, he hasn’t always been this way.

I think that's the thing, you remember how it used to be and you think I'm sure we can get back to that.. but I worry that he was broken when DCs arrived, he can't seem to handle responsibilities of it as it means he has to compromise his time and give up things.. so maybe the guy I married is never coming back...

@geekatheart I feel exactly the same! Mines like this can’t understand that their needs have to come first no matter what.

Exactly, yet when you go away for a night away or something without the kids, it's all fun and games again and you remember how much fun they were! It's like they've morphed into another person. It's harder because it's like the guy you married and loved is still in there somewhere, but they've been taken over by an argumentative man child who sulks, gives out silent treatment and is quite frankly a nasty person at times, but you still hang on to this old picture of him. So who is the real DH.. sadly I think after DCs the truly spoiled individual emerged, but his tantrums manifest in needing to lash out (to take control of his insecurities maybe) and it's the wife that's in the firing line that gets his frustrations full throttle, and it comes out as a really personal and nasty verbal attack. It's all a bad mix of walking on eggshells, hope, hurt, more hope, more hurt... like the one guy who's supposed to be your best friend is your worst critic...

@AttilaTheMeerkat I completely agree. My one mission had to be that my boys don't repeat this behaviour x

@geekatheart definitely! Me and DP got a night away just before lockdown and it was great really reminded me why I’m with him. Oh yes he can get so nasty at times especially when he’s had a drink, sometimes I honestly don’t know how I don’t fly for him. The walking on eggshells I do mainly for the kids not for my own sake, I can handle his fuckwit ways I just don’t like the kids seeing it.
It’s a mixture of so many things his behaviour is shit in all fields really, some days I think he’s very narcissistic then other days he’s just a petulant child. I think it comes from childhood, he’s an only child only grandchild and he’s been spoilt rotten especially by grandparents that brought him up they think the sun shines out his arse he’s been a little long since the day he was born. Now because he’s been brought up in an environment where his wants and needs are superior to everyone else’s he just can’t shake it off.