AIBU To be exhausted by the end of the day and not accepting that kids, cooking, cleaning, etc are my jobs and husband should not treat his share of house work as “help”

[Alison18031]

A family with 2 primary school aged kids and 2m old baby. Husband works 9+ hours a day from home in front of his laptop.

I do:

1. online grocery shopping, meals planning, cooking (I start cooking lunch at 9am, dinner straight after lunch as can only do things in 2 min/5 min intervals in between other things).
2. homeschooling these days (going through what schools are sending, making sure things are done by kids, assisting as needed).
3. cleaning: big clean during weekends, daily tidy ups (no one else is bothered, I hate mess).
4. baby is with me 24/7, not a great sleeper, more like a catnapper. I BF. Baby just lives on me, wouldn’t stay anywhere else for more than 2 min without making a fuss.
5. I manage to get a cup of tea and 5 min to sit down around 10pm and then I crush into bed, every other day I have to get all my remaining energy to have a shower.

Husband:

1. wfh in front of laptop for 9+ hours a day.
2. takes older kids to park twice a day for 1-1.5 hours each time.
3. loads/unloads dishwasher and washing machine if I ask.

I feel like being torn apart every second of my day (running between baby, kitchen, kids), trying to do 5 things at the same time. By lunchtime my back hurts badly from carrying the baby. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. And here at 10pm comes my husband asking for sex and telling me that I just imagine things and come up with excuses and that he is also extremely tired but he needs sex and if I refuse he would have to find someone else to meet his sex demands. His argument is that he does all he could to help me and I can’t then spend 10 min with him. I tell him that what he does is not help to me but his share of housework and I don’t make up excuses I just genuinely exhausted beyond every limit and it’s unreasonable for him to expect the normal level of service these days.

Am I just a lazy cow and need to get myself together and let my husband do whatever he wants with my body or I can just be tired and can go straight to bed?

@SkyscraperStreets

I would add I think it's important to have almost an employee-line manager relationship between working parent and SAHP.

The SAHP role really should be supporting the working parent and the rest of the household as best as possible so I think it's important to have regular check ins and to ask the working parent how satisfied they are with how your role is working and if they have any comments on the quality of your cooking and cleaning etc.

It helps avoid conflict and nips issues in the bud.

Rightio.

Hopefully you’re a troll. Otherwise I really, really pity you.

The housework is the least of your problems. We didn’t have sex during either of my pregnancies or for a long time after due to a) extreme morning sickness and b) birth injuries and my DH did not even mention it once. This is not what love is supposed to look like OP.

Just when you think you’ve seen the lowest of the low on Mumsnet, along comes this thread. A vulnerable woman, two months pp, at the end of her tether coping with three kids during lockdown including a tiny newborn, all the while being sexually harassed/abused by her so called ‘D’H. And posters on here see fit to pile on and criticise her housekeeping skills.

This actually makes me want to leave this site once and for all. For all the wonderful good there is on here there are some people that make me despair for humanity. Nasty, poisonous arseholes.

I hope you’re ok OP.

You're doing all the wifework with a grim line of added sexual harassment and jokes about not being up for sex 😓. 'Sex is not bartered for housework'. Your sexual pleasure is not my job. Half the housework is your job.' 'You should want more than my consent for sex, and refuse unless you see I am enthusiastic, what about waiting until I actually want it too?' 'How about the next three times we have sex are just about my pleasure not yours'.

Totally agree @Rainycloudyday this is the crappiest of crappy. So sorry OP

And posters on here see fit to pile on and criticise her housekeeping skills.

Some of them are goady trolls who aren't even trying that hard to hide the fact. MN always does seem to attract its fair share of "lol women should make me a sandwich" knuckle-draggers who think that giving themselves a username like "LovelyKatie232" will fool us manhating harpies.

Anyway.

OP, I'm sorry, he's being a totally unreasonable arse. Seeing the housework/home education stuff as all your job is entitled enough, but the sex stuff is not something I'd ever be able to move past. It seems like he sees you as a domestic appliance and is complaining you aren't functioning up to standard. Really sorry.

This is horrible to read.
OP you would be better off divorcing him and getting an au pair.
He sounds like a really vile man.

SHE'S NOT A SAHM FFS FFS FFS FFS FFS FFS FFS.

I really hope you lot are trolls and not women who thought The Handmaid's Tale was a self-help guise to satisfying your man.

And yes don't have kids with someone if you're not happy with how you're treated for God's sake.
That's not how abusive relationships work and you know it.

OP, at two months I was rocking my baby to sleep for 20 minutes at a time 7 times a day; it was horrendously hard work (yes, work, shoutout to the trolls on this thread) and I wasn't dealing with homeschooling two kids and an abusive partner. YANBU to be exhausted by this. When you're back at work and therefore more financially independent I would LTB, I really would.

I hope the OP @Alison18031 starts a new thread on the Relationships board, because this disgusting misogynistic pile-on from the likes of Skyscrapper and purplewhatsit is not in the spirit of Mumsnet, and something that @MNHQ should be stamping down on hard.

@SkyscraperStreets

I would add I think it's important to have almost an employee-line manager relationship between working parent and SAHP.

The SAHP role really should be supporting the working parent and the rest of the household as best as possible so I think it's important to have regular check ins and to ask the working parent how satisfied they are with how your role is working and if they have any comments on the quality of your cooking and cleaning etc.

It helps avoid conflict and nips issues in the bud.

There's just one small issue I have with this. We are not in an employee/manager relationship.

Marriage is a relationship of two equals.

If DH has issues with how I cook, clean or anything else, then he knows what he can do. Do it himself.

I am not paid. Do not get annual or sick leave. Do not get benefits. Do not have set hours. No chance of promotion. I have enabled him to pursue his career in the way that he has been able to, at considerable detriment to my own prospects. He is wise enough to see this, and big enough to appreciate it.

And sexual harassment and co-ercion is unacceptable and criminal in either bloody context.

Some people on MN just come on to try and wind everyone up.

This Skyscraper is a bloody nutter. Take no notice OP.

It’s very draining with a small baby and bf, of course it is. But what’s more draining actually is the boredom, the claustrophobia and the guilt. When I say guilt, I mean the guilt that you’re not doing enough for your other kids (especially when they’re homeschooling)! But also, you can’t think straight because you feel like you’re in a piece of elastic to the baby and you’re going to have to do a feed any minute. So your just doing bits, rather than planning. You feel like you’re treading water and getting nowhere. When you’re in broken sleep you tend to just think day-to-day. It’s hard to plan ahead and you can feel as if you’re in a fog.

I’m sorry, but I have to tell you that if my DH ever said he might have to get sex elsewhere.... well, he most certainly would be “elsewhere” very quickly. This is wholly unacceptable and emotionally coercive. Horrible. I’m sorry you think this is normal..

I’m not going to tell you to leave him because I know it’s not as simple as that. But I think you should consider it.

What you could do perhaps, for a start as soon as possible, is book the cleaner again and just go out with all the kids while she’s there. I know it’s not exactly a break, but at least it’s a change of scene. Sounds like you need it.

Be kind to yourself and don’t worry about the housework as much. When you do have a moment to sit down, make sure you take it. You have to look after yourself.

Next time he asks for sex, ask him if he would feel like sex if he’s been carrying a baby all day and feeding non-stop. Tell him there is nothing less attractive than being pestered for sex and it’s sexual harassment. Because it is.

Ask him why he would want to be having sex with you if you’re not in the mood. What does that say about him? Because this is the root of your problem.

I agree, @Alison18031- be kind to yourself and ignore the nutters.

I'm afraid you do have serious issues to think about regarding your husband and his dreadful behaviour and attitudes. You may need to be stronger than you ever thought you'd need to be; but you are strong. I can tell from your posts. You are a bit confused by years of being played the same old record - but you are not weak, far from it.

Thank you all for support and encouragement, so many red flags along the way, like our first newly weds night where he was more interested in how many times he actually managed to finish during the night not the quality or if I enjoyed any second of it.

I’m a high achiever but quite shy and have low self estim. My husband has been profiting from this all these years.

And I’ll definitely be happier and better off overall without a husband with just an au pair. His behaviour started to project onto kids as well, he manipulates them to do things they don’t want in not a very kind way, nothing offensive, things like making them read books when they are not up for it, they would cry, say they hate reading, etc.

I’m sorry but it’s so annoying . Her husband is working 9 hours from home on a computer ? Are you trying to tell me he doesn’t get breaks , lunch, he can help to make lunch couple of times a week . He can hold the baby why she takes the kids to the park . He can help in numerous other ways . Yes there are things she can improve herself to streamline stuff but with a two month old baby and homeschooling two other kids as well as doing all the housework and lunches it’s crazy . She is going to have a big breakdown . He needs to help more .

You sound bloody awesome to me.

Personally, I'm loving the thought of the look on his face when you tell him to go do one.

Also @Alison18031when he takes the kids to the park ask him to take the baby also as well that will give you time for a decent nap and baby free time. Weathers good if bf feed the baby and hand it to him and they can all go to the park and you can get stuff done or just have a nap

My husband and I had sex ONCE in between DS being born and his first birthday, and not once did he mention the lack of intimacy. And that was without Covid and lockdown. I was so touched out and my brain felt like it was exploding daily from the constant demands of two, and I had the luxury of dragging myself to the M&S food hall daily, which I basically used as my pantry because I couldn't form enough of a coherent thought to meal plan. Seriously, I once ordered £140 on an Ocado and all that turned up were Ella's pouches, two bottle of wine a a few blocks of chocolate. You're doing amazingly and you DH can GTFO with demanding sex.

He has to fit walk to the park around his calls which are not always predictable and baby has no routine yet, gets cranky 30-40 min after last nap. And I feel sorry for older kids, not their fault baby is there and want them to have some baby free time, they already have enough from me of ‘can’t help you sorry, baby needs me right now’

OP.
I have just realised this is in AIBU. You always get the goady people on here.
Ask MN to move this to relationships.
Read some of the threads on there too. So much wise and kind advice. You are not alone.

I am confused at how you are struggling to get stuff done- like how you don't know if you can't walk into your own kitchen for hours? It sounds madness to me. I've got (well had, they are slightly older now, but not much) 2 under 2, and surely if you need to go into the kitchen you just pick up your child and go... If you need to make food, you put your child in the bouncer, or the sling (depending on what you're making), and just continue. You're in charge here. If you want to go into the kitchen to make food, then you do it...

Your older kids if school age shouldn't require constant supervision, should be able to clear up their own spills, do some tidying after themselves etc.

I still have no idea why you are doing 2 cooked meals a day - trust me, the rest of us are not we are eating sandwiches and beans on toast, even with tiny babies. Either you are quite inefficient at it (not surprising given you haven't been doing this juggling before, had meals cooked for you, had a cleaner etc) or your expectations are way way too high.

I think it's a shock to your system, but the juggle is a pretty normal thing even on regular times. I remember when my baby was about that age, mixing Yorkshire pudding, whilst breastfeeding in a sling, and doing a jigsaw with my not yet 2 year old, and thinking it's madness!! but it's what having multiple kids at home is like.

Your husband is clearly a sex pest, and I'd give serious consideration to leaving him. But the domestic stuff is pretty normal really. I don't think he needs to be doing more, as opposed to you working out what can be cut out, and becoming more used to the juggle.

It's been asked before but do you have a sling? It makes a massive difference to me in what I can get done with a velcro baby around.

Do you think your baby might have reflux? It does sound like it to me. Can you consult your gp? It might explain the lack of naps and needing to be held all the time.