AIBU To be exhausted by the end of the day and not accepting that kids, cooking, cleaning, etc are my jobs and husband should not treat his share of house work as “help”

[Alison18031]

A family with 2 primary school aged kids and 2m old baby. Husband works 9+ hours a day from home in front of his laptop.

I do:

1. online grocery shopping, meals planning, cooking (I start cooking lunch at 9am, dinner straight after lunch as can only do things in 2 min/5 min intervals in between other things).
2. homeschooling these days (going through what schools are sending, making sure things are done by kids, assisting as needed).
3. cleaning: big clean during weekends, daily tidy ups (no one else is bothered, I hate mess).
4. baby is with me 24/7, not a great sleeper, more like a catnapper. I BF. Baby just lives on me, wouldn’t stay anywhere else for more than 2 min without making a fuss.
5. I manage to get a cup of tea and 5 min to sit down around 10pm and then I crush into bed, every other day I have to get all my remaining energy to have a shower.

Husband:

1. wfh in front of laptop for 9+ hours a day.
2. takes older kids to park twice a day for 1-1.5 hours each time.
3. loads/unloads dishwasher and washing machine if I ask.

I feel like being torn apart every second of my day (running between baby, kitchen, kids), trying to do 5 things at the same time. By lunchtime my back hurts badly from carrying the baby. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. And here at 10pm comes my husband asking for sex and telling me that I just imagine things and come up with excuses and that he is also extremely tired but he needs sex and if I refuse he would have to find someone else to meet his sex demands. His argument is that he does all he could to help me and I can’t then spend 10 min with him. I tell him that what he does is not help to me but his share of housework and I don’t make up excuses I just genuinely exhausted beyond every limit and it’s unreasonable for him to expect the normal level of service these days.

Am I just a lazy cow and need to get myself together and let my husband do whatever he wants with my body or I can just be tired and can go straight to bed?

skyscraper I agree OP has taken on too much with the cooking etc. But as the current situation isn’t working I think she and DH need to work together to come up with a better division of labour - maybe less time in park and more time for him to help with cooking cleaning etc. Or at least at the weekends he could step up and do more.

But imo the main issue here is the sex. That’s a real problem.

@SkyscraperStreets

What more can the DH do on top of working a 9 hour day and taking the DC out for 3 hours *@bumblenbean*? The issue here is with the OP not managing her time well and not having a good routine as a SAHM. It should not take anyone 3 hours to prepare lunch.

The OP isn't a SAHP, she's on maternity leave. The only reason she is not at work is that she is recovering from giving birth and caring for a 2 month old.

If we put aside the ML and pretend the pandemic happened while the OP was working full time, what would her DH have done?

The two other children would still need to be looked after and home schooled, housework would still need to be done and the cleaner would still be off.
He would have had to do 50% of the housework and childcare as well as his job, just like other families with two working parent have done.

@SandieCheeks Thank you!!! Exactly what I wrote above, I’m on mat leave with a tiny baby. 6 months down the line I’ll be capable of doing much more childcare/housework wise, now I just need more help/support that I’m not getting. Instead I’m being blamed for making up excuses for not being up for sex.

You've got plenty of time to be on mumsnet clearly 🤷‍♀️

It’s really quite frightening how many posters are still waffling on about housework and the role of a SAHP (not that the Op is one anyway) while completely unbothered about her husband being sexually abusive. No wonder so many women feel completely trapped, alone and unable to do anything when they’re living through such awful things. OP, please ignore the 1950s housewife brigade and listen to the chorus of women telling you that this isn’t normal ok, that you don’t have to put up with it, and that you deserve better.

@purplelila2

You've got plenty of time to be on mumsnet clearly 🤷‍♀️

Are you actually serious?! What is wrong with some people. I despair and hope you never need to turn to MN for support in coming to terms with sexual abuse. You are utterly, utterly horrible.

Leaving aside DH’s unreasonable sex demands, I think he is doing enough but what is really killing you is the baby’s continuous attachment to you day and night. If the situation were identical but minus the baby, it sounds like you would be fine.

Have you got activity mats/vibrating chairs etc which might distract baby for a while to give you a break? It’s been a while since I had a young baby but I’m sure lots of other posters would have ideas.

OP you're a single parent. Your oldest child bullies you into sex and has to be reminded to take the bins out. Even though you out-earn him, you've put so many systems in place to make up for his lack of care - nanny, cleaner - that he thinks it's fine to continue to be dependent on you even when you're just weeks post-partum with your older children needing care too.

This really is awful for you. His 2-3 hours of child-contact - on his terms and without combining it with anything useful - are nowhere near enough.

Please, go on strike. Look after the baby, and have him so absolutely everything else for a week. Other people are holding down a job while looking after young children, and he can too. You're at breaking point - he needs to step up. He can take holiday if necessary, but you need a break

@SkyscraperStreets SHE'S NOT A SAHM. SHE'S ON MATERNITY LEAVE.

RTFT.

Do you really think an average work day and possession of a penis means you don't have to cook, clear up after yourself or so any laundry? How are all the poor men without wives coping, starving to death in their dirty clothes..

Being on maternity leave is irrelevant!
Shes at HOME to look after the baby and the other kids for God's sake.

She isnt managing her time very well if it's taking 3 hours for each meal.

She actually didnt come on here to post about sexual abuse what was bothering her clearly from the posts is what she perceives wrongly as lack of input from her husband. He is working for 9 hours for heavens sake.
Then cares for his children for a further 3 hours that's 12 hours of the day .

All so quick to bash men and make assumptions which is so wrong .
Read the thread hes doing more than his fair share

Wow. You two have really low expectations of the men in your lives - or yourselves if you are men. Focusing on inefficiencies in the OP's lunch prep because if she could just have the baby be a few months older and her body a few months more healed get everyone fed quicker she'd magically be on top of everything.

And maternity leave isn't irrelevant - it's about bonding with the baby and healing from pregnancy and birth - something she hasn't had much time to do if she's been fending off a predatory H and running around after everyone else

We just dont have unrealistic expectations that we take out on others in our life.

The OP has been on this thread about how she has no time how shes so tired yet has time to be doing that. Nothing she has listed is something that WE ALL aren't already doing minus spending 6 hours a day making meals .

That clearly doesn't add up.
Ive got 3 kids myself so I know exactly what the baby stage is like .

This thread and the OP and men bashing as you often see on here .

If he was so awful why have a third child with him OP .

'If he was so awful why have a third child with him OP'

If OP is not allowed to refuse sex with her husband then maybe that decision was taken out of her hands too.

Don't forget that domestic abuse is rife at the moment with women trapped at home with their abusers.

OP you take all the time you like to reach out here for support and help.

And were you doing it all with a tiny high needs baby and sexually aggressive H with no break after childbirth Lila?

Do you think everyone should have it as shitty as you did or it's somehow not fair?

Do you honestly think that someone who otherwise holds down a large enough job to pay for a nanny and cleaner is having trouble now because she's 'inefficient'?

@SkyscraperStreets
What more can the DH do on top of working a 9 hour day and taking the DC out for 3 hours @bumblenbean? The issue here is with the OP not managing her time well and not having a good routine as a SAHM. It should not take anyone 3 hours to prepare lunch.

Well, he could stop demanding sex from an exhausted wife for one thing.

Way to spectacularly miss the point.

Again jumping on the man bashing jump wagon.

Having a well paid job has no correlation to being inefficient because the OP clearly is.

If taking 6 hours a day meal prepping isn't inefficient then what do you call it.

I used to plan my day and kept to a routine which is what's lacking here along with the other inefficiencies there is likely to be.

And yes don't have kids with someone if you're not happy with how you're treated for God's sake.

@SkyscraperStreets I don’t cook meals for 3 hours, I do exactly as you mentioned in your post: put meal in a slowcooker at 9:30 for it to be ready by lunchtime, in my case it’s a pressure cooker not slow cooker. After 9:30 I may not get another chance to walk into the kitchen

@SkyscraperStreets are you the H or the SAHM in this scenario?

And you can’t expect a routine from a 2 months old baby. Baby can have 7 naps a day, each 10-45 min and I can never predict how much time I would have once baby is in bed. And I consider myself highly organised, efficient at doing chores.