AIBU To be exhausted by the end of the day and not accepting that kids, cooking, cleaning, etc are my jobs and husband should not treat his share of house work as “help”

[Alison18031]

A family with 2 primary school aged kids and 2m old baby. Husband works 9+ hours a day from home in front of his laptop.

I do:

1. online grocery shopping, meals planning, cooking (I start cooking lunch at 9am, dinner straight after lunch as can only do things in 2 min/5 min intervals in between other things).
2. homeschooling these days (going through what schools are sending, making sure things are done by kids, assisting as needed).
3. cleaning: big clean during weekends, daily tidy ups (no one else is bothered, I hate mess).
4. baby is with me 24/7, not a great sleeper, more like a catnapper. I BF. Baby just lives on me, wouldn’t stay anywhere else for more than 2 min without making a fuss.
5. I manage to get a cup of tea and 5 min to sit down around 10pm and then I crush into bed, every other day I have to get all my remaining energy to have a shower.

Husband:

1. wfh in front of laptop for 9+ hours a day.
2. takes older kids to park twice a day for 1-1.5 hours each time.
3. loads/unloads dishwasher and washing machine if I ask.

I feel like being torn apart every second of my day (running between baby, kitchen, kids), trying to do 5 things at the same time. By lunchtime my back hurts badly from carrying the baby. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. And here at 10pm comes my husband asking for sex and telling me that I just imagine things and come up with excuses and that he is also extremely tired but he needs sex and if I refuse he would have to find someone else to meet his sex demands. His argument is that he does all he could to help me and I can’t then spend 10 min with him. I tell him that what he does is not help to me but his share of housework and I don’t make up excuses I just genuinely exhausted beyond every limit and it’s unreasonable for him to expect the normal level of service these days.

Am I just a lazy cow and need to get myself together and let my husband do whatever he wants with my body or I can just be tired and can go straight to bed?

Why are people replying like ‘batch cook, use a sling :) ‘ when the man is threatening the OP about sex?? He views her as an object to aid his ejaulation, and serve him and raise his kids that he keeps breeding. He’s a fucking disgrace. There are words for males who threaten women with sex, they have no place in society.

He's being vile with his demands for sex and you need to tell him to fcuk off.

During the day he is definitely doing a fair amount, over nine hours work and 3 hours helping with the kids is very reasonable. Can you not spend those 3 hours doing something relaxing or fun with the baby?

You definitely need to cut down on the cooking & cleaning, its just not needed every day.

Putting the sex pest issue aside, I don't think the problem is he's doing to little, it's that you are as a family used to far more help than the norm.

Most people with school age kids don't also have a nanny. Most nannies don't cook dinner. Most don't also have a cleaner. Most have 2 parents working (albiet maybe not as many hours as you guys).

And with Covid, your extra help goes, there's homeschooling and you have a baby, so the work that needs doing increases at the same time as your help decreases. This is tricky for both of you as parents, albiet it's probably more of a change for you.

I'm not saying this as a criticism, but as more context, most people wouldn't be cooking all day, most with just a baby in the house could get most of the basic maintenance tidying done in 3 hours, most people's husband would take the baby out as well. I don't want to say that you've been 'spoiled' in the past, because I get the feeling you made up for a it a lot with work, but domestically, you've probably been a bit sheltered, and the multitasking and drudgery has maybe come as a bit if a shock to the system?

Hang in there, we are hopefully coming to the tail end of all this now and things will get back to some form of normality soon.

Cannot believe people are saying 'puttung the sex issue aside'
He is coercing her into sex- that is rape.
There is nothing after that. Nevermind advice about alternating soup and sandwiches. I despair.
And no OP he is not a good father when he threatens their mother.

The issue here isn’t that op is cooking too much, it’s that ‘d’h is an abusive sex pest. And regardless of whether he is working, there is a newborn in the house which is difficult at the best of times, but I’m sure even more so during the current climate.

Op I hope you are doing ok. Now probably isn’t the best time for making big decisions, but I would be thinking long and hard about staying with a husband who would pester for sex when it is obvious that I was not ready yet, and then threaten to look outside the marriage when I didn’t oblige.

break it down

1. He's a sex pest and is coercing you into sex. bin him
2. Cleaning - can you afford a cleaner to help you? Do the big clean?
3. Small baby velcroed to you - I found a sling helped as it gave me hands free. I also found cosleeping helped in the night.
4. Cooking - ditch cooking lunch. Sandwich and crisps is fine. Can your H combine his break with the kids then? I don't think he needs to take them to the park twice a day but he could have lunch with them
5. primary aged kids - can you get a trampoline for the garden? mine love ours. Can you relax on the screens?
6. You . Can you hand the baby to your H in the evening and have a bath? Go for a run? Can he push the baby in the pram when he takes the kids to the park? or for 30 minutes in the evening?

Why are people replying like ‘batch cook, use a sling :) ‘ when the man is threatening the OP about sex??
Seriously! And I suspect any husband who uses threats to coerce his wife into sex – at any time, let alone 2 months postpartum – is also going to be of the "Sandwiches aren't dinner, I'm tired and I expect a proper meal cooked from scratch for me" ilk. There's undoubtedly a reason OP is committed to the endless cooking and it's probably not for the love of lasagne.

No way is his torture limited to 10pm sex threats.

To be fair it is has hard when you have small children on both of you but you sound like you are making life even harder than it needs to be OP. I would visit the GP for a blood test (to check your health is ok).

DH is out of order with his demands for sex and comments. But having a sex whilst not the be all and end all is part of a healthy relationship.

I would suggest your DH is being more than fair taking older DC to the park for 3 hours a day this seems a little excessive everyday. Could this maybe be reduced to 1 and a half or 2 hours and could he maybe finish earlier in the day, make lunch or could you spend time together (having fun at the park, going for a walk, enjoy a leisurely lunch picnic, play, whatever).

I think you either need to get better organised in the home don’t spend as long cooking and on housework every day or let your standards slip in these areas.

Is he actually ‘working’ for those nine hours.
Are you sure that he’s trying to avoid doing more by claiming to be ‘working’ for nine hours?
The demand for sex and the threat to get it elsewhere would be a dealbreaker for me to be honest.
Op, your dh doesn’t respect you or your efforts to look after the children and home.

A 2 month old alone is a full time job let alone having two more kids and a husband to feed and do basically everything for. He should be doing much, much more - taking on chores and allowing you to go for a walk and have some time to exist outside of the daily unending grind. It’s his baby too and it sounds like his life hasn’t changed since baby arrived but you’re picking up everything. Time to land the baby on him for an hour every day and get some time and head space op. You deserve and need it! And he’s an utter dick about sex. I can’t imagine how touched out you must feel by the end of the day

Thanks everyone, I’ll try to make some adjustments you advised on (sling, food, cleaning, getting husband to help with baby).

In terms of cooking I will probably struggle to stay in good health, breastfeed, be on my feet all day running around on just tinned soup, sandwiches and beans on toast for months. I cook simple things like salmon and small potatoes skin on into pressure cooker, wash cherry tomatoes/peppers - lunch sorted, I just do it in a few goes in between other things.

Cleaning is more to do with tiding up after kids: watermelon juice everywhere on the table, chairs, floor after kids had it for snack. Wiping table and floor after they did some artwork which involved paint, getting their Lego, toys out of my way so I don’t tip over carrying the baby.

Baby wouldn’t sleep for more than 10 min in one go after lunchtime, wakes up tired and I’m back to another hour of rocking/feeding/walking around just to get 10 more minutes of sleep. And unlike older kids this one wouldn’t settle for the night until very late (9:30pm on average) and awake 6:30-7am. I start bedtime routine at 6pm and by the time 9:30pm comes I’m ready to walk out of the window. Baby just screams in dads hands in the evening, the second I hand baby over to DH baby starts screaming. I wish I could just have 30 min in peace in the evening to vent, that’s how it worked well when older kids were babies (off to bed 7pm till morning). I cosleep and night feeds don’t bother me much.

Husband thinks that if he doesn’t have sex at least every other day (better 2x times a day) his devices will fall apart and blames me for this, telling me all the time how many days it was since he had sex and years since he had proper sex;))) and every time he asks if I want to put one of my office dresses on for him before sex. I usually say no as trying it hard to just stay awake at 10pm and lift my head off the bed.

OP you seem to be far more interested in advice about cooking than facing up to what a hideous piece of shit (sexual predator, borderline rapist) you’re married to. I understand you’re two months pp and this might all be a bit overwhelming, but is there any part of you that is questioning your marriage right now off the back of what everyone is saying, or are you dead set of ignoring that fundamental issue? I don’t mean to sound like I’m having a go, you’re very much the victim here, I’m just struggling to understand where your mindset is at with regards to the abuse you’re suffering. It worries me a lot hearing these kinds of posts where there are children being brought up in an abusive household and it seems like nothing will change. I dread to think of the influence this ‘man’ (and I use the term loosely), will have on older kids/teenagers

I have never thought my husband is an abuser, always thought sex was a basic need for all men. Does this behaviour sound abusive and is not like it is in many other families? Maybe I’ve just being naive...

Part of the issue is that I’m one of those who can go weeks without sex and not be bothered so the initiative always comes from my DH

Sex is not a basic need. If it were, men would be dropping dead when they don’t get it, but that doesn’t happen doesn’t it? Some men are just selfish arseholes who put their physical desires above the wellbeing of their partners. I am honestly frightened to think what you have been taught, that you are conditioned to excuse this kind of behaviour because he’s a man and he ‘needs sex’. Please, please get some therapy to understand this a bit more before you risk passing your views onto your children and sabotaging any chance of them forming healthy relationships themselves.

Kind, decent men who love their wives wouldn’t dream of behaving in the way you describe. I can’t even begin to explain how not normal, how not ok this is. My husband patiently waited about two months after I gave birth both times until I felt ready for sex and didn’t once complain when we often went weeks without when our children were tiny. We were both exhausted and knew it would come back one day. If he told me he would go elsewhere, I would have divorced him. End of. He shares the load of our life together and treats me with kindness, love and respect. I’m not trying to make you feel like crap or boasting, I’m just trying to demonstrate that most women do not live their loves being sexually harassed in their own homes. Please, please get some outside help.

@Rainycloudyday, thanks. Your message is an eye opener for me in case what you are saying is really a norm not what I’ve been told by DH all these years

@Rainycloudyday- agree with your posts.

Everything that @Rainycloudyday said. This is really not OK and no, it's not normal.

OP, I have a sleep-refusing one year old and I'm permanently knackered. My partner and I very rarely manage to have sex – the rare occasions we're both up for it at the same time, the toddler wakes up. His parts haven't dropped off; neither have mine. He wouldn't dream of demanding this of me, or blaming me; not just that he knows I would kick him out, he just isn't that person.

Be kind to yourself; seek help.

Your DH doesn't "need sex" he's just sexually abusive.

Threatening and harassing your wife for sex only happens in abusive relationships, not normal families.

Don't cook 2 meals a day. Sandwiches are fine for lunch.

Your husband is a disgusting sex pest.

What did I just read.

2 month old baby no it's not normal to be pressured into sex at all. Only a true bastard would do that.

OP what support do you have? Is there anyone you can talk to?

I have been there but I think nowadays women are exaggerating house work. I wake up at 740am and clean the house. My DC sleep up until 9-10am. By the time they are awake both bf and lunch is ready. They then shower and eat as they get to their business. DD is 2yrs and DS 5yrs. Am PG 14 weeks and before lockdown I was working full-time and managing my home. Husband will help with the DC as I run through cleaning and cooking. My babies were not breastfed and they are very independent as they shower by own and change clothes. DD can use the toilet seat so I really have it easy.
Just focus on your house work and finish everything by 1600hrs so u can seat and watch your favorite movie.

Thats nice for you @maurah - how does it bear any relevance to the OP. And whilst they're watching their favourite movie should the OP be giving her DH a quick blowjob - two birds, one stone and all that?

No, it's not normal. We are a pretty highly sexed couple, resumed within a couple of weeks after birth.its pretty important to us both.

But we don't nag
We aren't pests
It isn't on the radar when one of us is ill or busy.

He sounds awful, and it's really really not normal. Most decent men realise that things take a nosedive for a whole after having a baby, and even in 'normal' times, nagging, and sulking and threatening is really not on.