AIBU To be exhausted by the end of the day and not accepting that kids, cooking, cleaning, etc are my jobs and husband should not treat his share of house work as “help”

[Alison18031]

A family with 2 primary school aged kids and 2m old baby. Husband works 9+ hours a day from home in front of his laptop.

I do:

1. online grocery shopping, meals planning, cooking (I start cooking lunch at 9am, dinner straight after lunch as can only do things in 2 min/5 min intervals in between other things).
2. homeschooling these days (going through what schools are sending, making sure things are done by kids, assisting as needed).
3. cleaning: big clean during weekends, daily tidy ups (no one else is bothered, I hate mess).
4. baby is with me 24/7, not a great sleeper, more like a catnapper. I BF. Baby just lives on me, wouldn’t stay anywhere else for more than 2 min without making a fuss.
5. I manage to get a cup of tea and 5 min to sit down around 10pm and then I crush into bed, every other day I have to get all my remaining energy to have a shower.

Husband:

1. wfh in front of laptop for 9+ hours a day.
2. takes older kids to park twice a day for 1-1.5 hours each time.
3. loads/unloads dishwasher and washing machine if I ask.

I feel like being torn apart every second of my day (running between baby, kitchen, kids), trying to do 5 things at the same time. By lunchtime my back hurts badly from carrying the baby. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. And here at 10pm comes my husband asking for sex and telling me that I just imagine things and come up with excuses and that he is also extremely tired but he needs sex and if I refuse he would have to find someone else to meet his sex demands. His argument is that he does all he could to help me and I can’t then spend 10 min with him. I tell him that what he does is not help to me but his share of housework and I don’t make up excuses I just genuinely exhausted beyond every limit and it’s unreasonable for him to expect the normal level of service these days.

Am I just a lazy cow and need to get myself together and let my husband do whatever he wants with my body or I can just be tired and can go straight to bed?

@rottiemum88 Kids being off school for months was not my choice. I was looking forward to some quiet time with the baby with no cooking/cleaning to do when older ones are at school. I would be doing school runs with the baby in a pram which would help me being active/losing baby weight. Kids would be off to exciting holiday clubs in summer+annual holiday as a family.

Why on earth did you have another child with a man who thinks you are so far beneath him that you're there to be his maid and wank bucket?
All this and you earn more money than him.
What are you thinking??

Do you feel good about yourself posting that Isthisit22? Nasty, unhelpful and unnecessarily hurtful thing to say which adds fuck all of value to the discussion.

DH started torturing me for all sorts of sex when the baby wasn’t even 2weeks old. I was like what you want from me, I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours a day since the baby was born (baby mixed day and night and having kids at home I struggled to sleep during the day and just struggled to fall asleep first days) plus had huge painful piles, stitches, etc. and was very lightheaded.

Why on earth did you have another child with a man who thinks you are so far beneath him that you're there to be his maid and wank bucket?

Should she open her legs and shove the baby back in then?

Your comment was spectacularly unhelpful and rude but I hope you feel good having put the boot in. Well done, we all know who has the biggest balls on the thread now.

Oh gosh, what started off sounding like you are both knackered and overstretched is starting to sound really worrying. The sex thing really isn't on at all. You need to sit down and talk I think.

DH started torturing me for all sorts of sex when the baby wasn’t even 2weeks old

It sounds like you have far bigger problems than the division of chores and childcare. Has he always been like this?

Please read this, use an incognito tab and copy/paste the URL if you don't want it showing in your browser history:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

There is help out there, OP, you don't have to live like this.

Feel for you OP. H is a dick for not considering your needs.
For the sake of your own health and sanity I suggest lowering your standards.

You don't have to cook them lunch and dinner. Sandwiches which your DC could probably put together themselves will do. Do your make breakfast and luch for your DH? If so STOP.

Like someone upthread said, ease off the homeschooling. Supervise enough so they get through what the teachers set and that's enough.
Prioritise your health. You've had a baby priorities need to shift.

Ok, your husband is a disgusting abusive sex pest who clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. I presume he's shown signs of this before? Can you build up to kicking him the fuck out?

@Isthisit22 He is a great father and he genuinely thinks that he is doing his best (men are generally not bothered with tidiness, how clean things are, etc.). I normally manage all that with paying a cleaner to do the cleaning job. Nanny also cooks dinner for us all. It’s just very tough atm and I know things will get better, but don’t understand why my husband expects business as usual.

I'm not weak but there is no way I could carry a baby in a sling all day long.
Suggested new routine - only carry the baby for journeys. The baby may take a little bit of time to adjust (I.e cry) but it would be worth it IMO.

Realistically what are you expecting him to do whilst he's working ?

Not everyone employers have been flexible during these times and not everyone has the luxury of just going into another job.

He's working 9 hours a day

I would probably just suggest on top of his every tasks to make lunch

Sounds like you're trying to hard cooking full on meals every day (!!!)

Let him put together lunch for everyone. Kids won't die eating a sandwich will they?

@BankofNook Thanks for the link. I would say no to all of the questions and reading these questions I think my husband can call me an abuser;) In normal times just get so tired by having a full time job, kids and their schools (homework, book bags, uniform), nanny, cooker, cleaner to manage and have no energy to politely remind my DH yet again to get the bins out or to sort out the laundry. End up being quite annoyed. He is a kind of man who can happily forget about everything, just focus on kids in his own way (having fun with them) and his job.

Sorry OP aside from the sex thing I think it’s you being unreasonable. He’s working 40+ hours and still managing hours of childcare a day. I get that he’s only taking 2 kids but a newborn needs it’s mum so would be difficult to take them too for hours at a time. Maybe think about making some less complex lunches and order a takeaway now and again! The cleaning can wait, hopefully your cleaner will be back soon, if not can the older kids be given jobs for extra pocket money?

@Alison18031

DH started torturing me for all sorts of sex when the baby wasn’t even 2weeks old. I was like what you want from me, I haven’t slept for more than 2 hours a day since the baby was born (baby mixed day and night and having kids at home I struggled to sleep during the day and just struggled to fall asleep first days) plus had huge painful piles, stitches, etc. and was very lightheaded.

OP this is simply awful to read. And I think the worst part is how matter of fact and resigned to this you sound. You are married to a horrible, horrible man. It doesn’t have to be this way you know, this is not how normal happily married couples treat one another. How can you possibly say this piece of scum is a food father when he’s prepared to treat the woman who has just birthed his child like this? I feel a bit sick reading your posts

He’s expecting business as usual because he obviously doesn’t give a fuck about you OP, or that you need to recover from birthing his baby, or doing more so you’re not tired.

Your H is obviously not as knackered as you if he’s pestering you for sex so can certainly do a lot more around the house!

He doesn’t sound like a good father if he’s threatening to cheat on you so potentially risking breaking up his family to get sex with someone else (assuming you wouldn’t tolerate it if he did) and I’d be making plans now he’s shown himself for what he is and how he sees you.

So plan of action OP:

1. Alternate sandwiches and soup for lunch.
2. DP takes baby in sling for 1 of his 2 outings with the kids.
3. Take away 1/2 nights a week.
4. Fuck off all the cleaning every day.
5. Tell DH you'll bite his cock off if he tries to insist on sex, and if he cheats you'll divorce him in the blink of an eye.
6. Write up a list of essential housework for the weekend, and split it 50/50.
7. Use disposable plates/cleaning wipes for the rest of lockdown. Not ideal of course, but not worth the additional work in the short term.

Tell him to fuck the fuck right off.
Seriously.

I’ll start by saying the sex comment is vile and I’d seriously consider leaving my husband if he said anything like that to me. I’d not accept it twice.

But when it comes to housework and meals you do sound like your martyring yourself. Just do sandwiches for tea. Takeout and ready meals for a couple of nights. Cook some meals where you can double up and put in the freezer for the week after.

The house doesn’t have to be tidy every day. If the kids are school age they could and should be helping.

Give them some downtime from homeschooling so you don’t have to support them all the time.

I really don’t know what you’re doing which means you’re not done by 10pm.

Household tasks should be split 50/50 at the weekend but on a weekday it sounds like a fair split to me.

I'm working 40 hours a week, home schooling in my lunch break, buying and preparing food, taking my DC out for the occasional walk, bathing them, reading to them, making sure they have clean clothes, but PPs think your DH is doing too much!

Fuck off out of there, op and leave the kids behind. Him and his needs will have to deal with it. The only threat that is going to work with this endless stream of misogynistic, useless men is, "I will leave you and I will leave the kids with you."

No amount of self importance and seriously and patiently explaining to their wife just how much more important they are than her will help them with that scenario.

Her husband 'tortures her for sex' 2 weeks post partum. He is clearly a horrible man.
I'm sorry if I was way too harsh, but it infuriates me that so many women on this site allow themselves to be treated this way. I was trying to wake her up a bit.
I apologise and hope you see that you are worth much more than this OP.

Why is he not taking the baby out with the others kids, that would be a start.

No idea why you had a third child at all never mind with this prick. I'd be dumping all the kids on him and pissing off for a two week holiday alone and see how he likes looking after his own children.

Why did you have another child with him?