Husband dragged me, is that acceptable?

[opmamatrist]

So my brother in law is due to get married in August (which likely will be delayed due to pandemic), I personally have outfits for the wedding and won't be buying anything however my mother in law would like to travel to Manchester to shop for wedding outfits. I have a one year old baby who I breastfeed and so I haven't really travelled very far since having him due to not feeling comfy feeding him in public. So I've said I don't want to go and my husband went ballistic, accused me of always causing problems when it comes to doing things with his family. I got fed up of arguing and went into bed and he dragged me out and chucked me on the floor to carry on talking. I don't think it's appropriate to travel unnecessarily during the pandemic and do not want to put my baby at risk hence I said no, is that so unreasonable? Should I be going out like normal? I haven't been to a shop since February!

This is highly likely to escalate.
You need to make a plan to leave if you need to.
Have somewhere to go, squirrel away some money, get screenshots of any online accounts and find out if he has a pension.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

It is also because of your child that you should be leaving this violent individual. He will do this again and this is likely to be a further escalation of his wanting power and control over you. Such men hate women too, ALL of them.

I rarely say this but you need to leave OP. This will escalate.

So toxic MIL causes issues in your relationship......and he's prepared to get physically violent and aggressive to force you into obeying HIS commands?????
So you have TWO people bullying you!

Are you waiting for him to do it again?
Cos he will.....he's just going to avoid the conversation - or twist it round on you - and then the next time you don't fall in line with what his mother or him want he'll get violent again.

What are you waiting for?
Report it to the police for your own and your child's safety.....then it's on record for the future when he wants unsupervised contact with your child.

Call your parents, pack a bag for you and your baby, and leave. No ifs, no buts.

I do wonder what you learned about relationships growing up?
Are your parents loving and caring towards each other?
Are they supportive of you?
If so then pack up right now and get the fuck away from this physically violent man.
You absolutely should NOT go shopping with a 1 YO and you shouldn't have to anyway if you don't want to.
Why does his mum need you to shop?
Is she not capable of going on her own?
All of that aside, leave - fast!!!!
This WILL escalate.
Protect yourself and most of all, protect your child!

OP how old are you? Also do you belong to a particular culture? I am asking because you sound young and potentially brought up to have beliefs that a wife needs to excuse the unexcusable. Apologies if I am completely wrong. Please raise your expectations and realise this behaviour is abusive. You deserve more and your DH will be the wrong role model for your child. Leave him.

OP you know you should leave, I wondered if you were Asian as you said about involving your parents? This is quite common in Asian families, if this is the case and you think your DPs will support you then call them asap. Please leave for your DC. You haven't said but the fact that you don't seem shocked comes across that it has happened before, how many times has been abusive? Has this already escalated as it will keep escalating.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this OP- it’s absolutely disgraceful and not what anyone with ( or indeed without ) a new baby should be experiencing
My EA husband ( now ex) once stormed upstairs when I was sleeping when his parents were visiting us and ripped the quilt clean off me as I was waking up onto the floor- in such speed like people try to do when they rip off a tablecloth but want to leave the crockery untouched . It was done in a very serious way and his face said it all when he muttered ‘ Get. Up’ . That was one of the last straws for me.
Had I been dragged , I’d have left the same day .
Please don’t accept this - it will only get worse over time . You don’t deserve this - you deserve so much better and so does your baby . Good luck .

"He made me feel like I was such a rubbish wife, he said he wished he had a wife who would just listen and not cause a fuss over everything."

He's an abusive misogynist. He wants a wife with no opinions of her own who does what she's told. His way of getting you to behave how he wants is to scare you into submission. This is a horrible way to live. You shouldn't have to 'behave yourself' to be treated kindly and with dignity. He has no respect for you. This will only get worse, he'll get more controlling and use violence to get you to 'behave', you'll be tiptoeing around on eggshells trying not to annoy him, going along with everything he wants as you're scared to voice an opinion. Please tell your parents what he's done and think very hard about whether you want this relationship.

I grew up in a household where we all tiptoed around my father and his moods, it made for a miserable childhood, I left as soon as I could.

For those asking yes I am south Asian, we were together 4 and a half years before we got married 2 yrs ago almost now. Things were fine until we had our little one but issues with the mil started since we were planning our wedding.
He has apologised for his actions and said that it was not acceptable to do that regardless of what the situation is. So for now we are going to continue working on our marriage and try resolve any issues as best as we can. I do have a lot of anxiety and lockdown has not helped at all. Thank you all for your advice. Rest assured if anything ever happened again I would be out the door straight away.

he said he wished he had a wife who would just listen and not cause a fuss over everything.

He means a woman who STFU and does what he says. That's what all abusers want OP. There is no way this came out of nowhere. Abusers escalate when they sense they are losing control and their former strategies for maintaining power and control no longer work. That's why the victim is most in danger when she leaves - killing her is the ultimate form of control.

I'll be honest if I never had my little boy I would have walked out and never come back.

Your little boy is the reason why you should walk out and never go back OP, not the reason you stay. This is going to escalate. You are living with a bully and your boy is going to emulate his behaviour. Why would you want a child to be brought up in an abusive home where you are both walking on eggshells around a bully who could grab you at any time and drag you to the floor?

@opmamatrist

For those asking yes I am south Asian, we were together 4 and a half years before we got married 2 yrs ago almost now. Things were fine until we had our little one but issues with the mil started since we were planning our wedding. He has apologised for his actions and said that it was not acceptable to do that regardless of what the situation is. So for now we are going to continue working on our marriage and try resolve any issues as best as we can. I do have a lot of anxiety and lockdown has not helped at all. Thank you all for your advice. Rest assured if anything ever happened again I would be out the door straight away.

Sorry OP.

He knows he can do it again and there will be no consequences. There will be a next time.

Lay some ground rules now OP.
You don't want anything to do with his mum!
Yes HIS mum!
When he visits you can go if you want to but you do not want to do anything alone with her.
Make that very clear and ensure he has your back on that or you are just delaying the inevitable.
I think he's shown you who he is and you should pay attention.
But it takes the average person 7 attempts to leave an abuser.
Please know we will all be here to support you when this happens again.
I do wish you well.

As ever was, women think they can change a man

We will be here when you need us again

Missing the point here, I know, but-Why on earth did his mum wanting to go shopping involve you?!

He has shown you who he is.
He will do it again.
He will continue to do it again and again.
Make sure you tell your family and friends.
Did he witness his father abuse his mother.
I’d tell him he needs to do “an alternative to violence course” or contact the Everyman project.
Lots of us have been where you are and wished we had left sooner.
What messages is this giving to your child.

You could contact women’s aid.
Abusive thrives on secrecy. Please let others know.

Here is the cycle of abuse.
Tension building.
Acute violence.
Reconciliation/honeymoon.
Calm.
Tension building.
Acute violence.
Reconciliation/honeymoon.
Calm.
Tension building.
Acute violence.
Reconciliation/honeymoon.
Calm.

You’re a fool to just accept his apology. You are bringing up a son, who is old enough to start noticing and thinking this is how men behave. The best gift you could give to your son is teaching him that his dad’s behaviour is wrong.

Your at the beginning of what will be continuous escalating behaviour of which because you will learn to accept each act it will become harder and harder to leave.

He dragged you to the floor but it didn’t hurt, next time when he drags you to floor he’ll kick you in the stomach but that bit will be an accident. Maybe his rage will be directed at an object and he’ll throw it at the wall but next time he’ll throw it at your face.

Even at 1 years old your child we’ll absorb the energy being created in this house and he’ll manifest this In behaviour and physiological ways. It sounds like your worried about shame from your family, if you don’t think they’ll help you then please contact women’s aid.

OP I've been where you are and will say with great certainty what I would now say to the me back then.
You're off your head and this will not get better, in fact it will get considerably worse.
Good luck nonetheless x

Rest assured if anything ever happened again I would be out the door straight away

You may be South Asian, OP, but you are just as much a fool as the rest of us, that is why we are screaming at you to leave. I'm Irish and stayed after such an apology and I'd say a lot of the ladies commenting here made the same mistake.

Get him out. If he won't leave then get out yourself.

If he physically assaults you now, while you are pregnant, he will do it again.

Get your ducks in a row and get you and the kids set up without him.

His apology is worth nothing.

His abusive behavior isn’t something you can ‘work on’.

Rest assured if anything ever happened again I would be out the door straight away.

"Again" will be happening much sooner than you think.