Would this worry you - comment from ds

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

On the way home yesterday I had some music on and ds said - do you like this mum? I said, yes. He then said, ‘would you like to go to a concert of them if dad said it was ok for you to go?’

He has also said to my own mum recently that in our house ‘dad is in charge and he’s the boss because he earns all the money so everything is his.’ I’m a sahm.

Does your DJ say that sort of thing?

I wouldn't worry about it but I would certainly note it and put work in to undo it.

Where has he heard those comments?

What did you respond?

Ergh.
I wouldn’t like the messages he’s learning at home and be worried about his future partner.
What’s your husband actually like? Because this snapshot isn’t good

Yes it would worry me. What is your husband telling him?
Don't let it slide. Correct him or discuss every single time. I would also have a conversation with your husband. Small children do see things in simple terms though so we have to educate them.

Ds is 11. So not super small.

Yes - he has heard dh say no to me and dh does talk about owning everything in the house and that the tv is his etc so ds is lucky he’s allowed to watch it. He says it in a jokey way.

Oh good grief I thought he would be about 5.
You need to have a serious conversation about all its he is nearly an adult.

Hmm. You need to correct this assumption, starting with your DH.

11?! I thought you were going to say he was 3 or 4!

Absolutely not OK and if he's 11, you've got a bit of battle on your hands to unpick ideas that are now properly embedded in him.

"He says it in a jokey way" - um, are you sure?

"I wouldn't worry about it but I would certainly note it and put work in to undo it."

This. If you are in a healthy relationship with your DH, you should be able to discuss these comments with him and get him onside in explaining how your contribution to family life is just as valuable as his and how, in the family home, ownership is shared. If you can't discuss this with your DH, then you may need to reconsider the dynamics overall.

I'm giving into my own prejudices here but I do think being entirely dependent on someone else for finances makes a person vulnerable. If your DS is in school, perhaps there is scope for you to take on a part-time job? Of course, it can be difficult to get one which suits school hours and you may have no wish to do that anyway. But I think it can be very confidence building even if the money is not significant.

That would really, really worry me. I'd be discussing with him and separately with his father.

I was hoping to go back to work in September but I have a preschool aged dc as well as ds and who knows what’s going to happen with schools in September.
I was a teacher. But I’m on the shielding list 🙄 so I don’t know if I should be rushing back into school.

I would absolutely flip if my husband said anything like that, it's no bloody joke! Its easy to see who your son is picking it up from. You need to nip this in the bud, I would be having serious words with both of them, but especially your husband.

OP, are you trying to tell us something here by proxy, i.e. by bringing something up that your DS said rather than simply asking us a direct question about your circumstances and your husbands behaviour? It certainly sounds like it.

Gosh - I missed your updates. Your DH may genuinely be joking but your DS won't realise. In any case, if your DS is 11, I think it would be a good time to try and find a job if you can. It will give you a greater feeling of independence and greater confidence.

Try not to fret too much: I made some serious mistakes with my DC and I am seeing those manifest now they are teenagers. For example, I think they are more anxious than they would be if I had been less anxious myself and I feel awful about it. Sometimes I am consumed with regret for not handling things better when they were growing up but mostly I focus on trying to handle things well now. And most of the time we do okay.

When i was a stay at home mum my dc said that
They werr 4 to 6 cant remember exaft agr and it was because they heard me talk about wanting to work and earn my own money and there were well intentioned conversations along thr lines of dad goes to work so we can afford this and that so i knew it was linked to this and we explained that in a partnership we both contribute to the family etc.

Im concerned that your child is saying this at 11. Honestly examine what your child hears and sees and work on walking the talk like dont dismiss your conttibution to the family, big up yourself and your self confidence, take pride in being an at home parent, talk to them as to why you arent working and how their life would be if you were working. My dc was shocked and really missed me when they ended up in breakfast and after school club from 7am to 6pm 5 days a week and every holiday in a club as i got a measely 17 days holiday a year plus bank holidays despite the office closing anyway for bank hols.

Sorry - keep missing your updates! I hope you do get to go back in September or shortly afterwards - it sounds like it would be good for you.

Yeah I've changed my mind as soon as you said he's 11!!

And your husbands comments about the TV? What a selfish git.

You need to work your relationship foremost as that's where your son is learning this from

I would definitely have a conversation with DS about the devision of labour in your home! ... and a conversation with DH how his comments affect DS and his respect for you.
Also, if not already, give DS some chores around the home, so he can experience and gain some knowledge of what it takes to keep his home clean and decent food on the table.

I was just a bit horrified I suppose - I mean no woman is going to put up with ds behaving like that in the future, so it could affect his future relationships.
I didn’t think he was aware of dh saying no to me. I was also slightly annoyed as I do EVERYTHING in the house, and my day is a lot longer than dh’s even if it’s not as difficult. Also I haven’t had a ‘day off’ since lockdown started.

I was just a bit horrified I suppose - I mean no woman is going to put up with ds behaving like that in the future, so it could affect his future relationships

That's not true. I mean, you put up with it from your husband.

Yes. But I think younger generation less tolerant of it.

You’ve got a lot of undoing to do OP. For your son’s sake, start now because if he ever meets somebody like my daughters they will be putting him in his place good and proper for comments like these 😂

Yes. But I think younger generation less tolerant of it.

Exactly. I’ve got 11 and 13yrs DDs. They already pull the boys up on stupid comments like these.

Whether the younger generation is less tolerant of it or not, they shouldn't have to put up with it.

I say this as a mum of a 3&5 yo who think similar because their dad said similar to me. I'm really worried about them carrying on another generation of misogynistic behaviour and ruining another family with it, so I've sent them to a psychologist to try and break these patterns.

You definitely need a conversation with the husband and son - though I don't necessarily agree that you need to go back to work. The problem is this attitude of 'I work so it's mine' not the fact that you currently don't have paid employment.

How are you reacting when he says these things at the moment? Are you explaining that you don’t need his dad’s permission? That his dad is joking?