Would this worry you - comment from ds

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

On the way home yesterday I had some music on and ds said - do you like this mum? I said, yes. He then said, ‘would you like to go to a concert of them if dad said it was ok for you to go?’

He has also said to my own mum recently that in our house ‘dad is in charge and he’s the boss because he earns all the money so everything is his.’ I’m a sahm.

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

Oh his dad isn’t joking about the saying no part. That’s not a joke.

But the part about everything being his is said jokingly.

[Veterinari]

How did you respond? Did you tell him you don't need his dad's permission?
You need to speak to your husband and put your foot down about his 'jokes' and stop seeking permission. You're an adult!

Sounds like you're married to a misogynist and raising another.

[Destroyedpeople]

Yes you both work just that yours is unpaid.
Could you imagine the mayhem if you didn't do your job?
Your husband needs a sharp word. As for the stuff about the TV. ...he sounds nasty and immature tbh.

[crankysaurus]

What were you doing about that got the no from your DH? I hope you don't need his permission?

[Destroyedpeople]

And this whole 'joking' thing is bollocks. A joke is supposed to amuse people not make them feel uncomfortable in their own home.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Well what do you say when he says no?

I’m in a similar position in that I’m a SAHM and DP is a high earner. My kids swing from saying I’m the boss and daddy’s the boss. Sometimes my seven year old does say that daddy goes out and earns the money so he is the boss. I can’t blame him for saying that as I say it sometimes to the kids if they won’t go to bed or they’re being disrespectful to him and I remind them that daddy is currently the only person in the house warning the money that keeps everything ticking, so some respect wouldn’t go amiss. HE never says that though and never states things are his or stops me from doing anything I want to do.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you think of your H?

What do you want your son to learn about relationships and just what is he learning here from you two?.

Are you really being controlled by your H within your household, it certainly seems so and your son is picking up on it too. Both references in your initial post are concerning. Your H is not at all joking when he says such to you, his actions towards you are about having power and control over you.

[Crimeismymiddlename]

My mother was a sahm, working part time and my father was the main wage earner. We never got the impression he was the one in change-everything was theirs rather than his. We knew they had different jobs at home not that one was more important. You need to talk to your husband about how he talks and get him to talk to your son.

[Shoxfordian]

He's learning to be a sexist controlling man like his dad.

[crazychemist]

I don't think it would worry me IF we're talking about a one-off - I'd probably laugh! Children only know what they observe/are told, so I'd just correct him "darling, I'm an adult so I don't need permission. You aren't grown up yet, so you'd need permission from me and your dad before you could go to a concert".

BUT your updates are a bit more worrying. You need to have a sharp conversation about your DH's "jokes" - explain how damaging that attitude is. I assume your childcare/working arrangements were discussed before you had children, so your DH has NO RIGHT to act like he is more important for his contributions.

It's worrying that you say you do everything around the house. It's easy to fall into this (I certainly do more than DH) when you are at home more, and it is fair to argue that you may have more time for chores as you are at home more. But that doesn't mean you should be doing everything! It would be particularly bad if when you start work your DH still expects you to do everything. You need to have a conversation ASAP about which chores are going to be his responsibility. He'll be crap at them to start with, but don't take them out of his hands - he needs to learn!

Your DS needs to see his father doing things and speaking to you with respect. If that doesn't happen, fundamentally your marriage doesn't have a future.

[BluebellForest836]

What exactly is your DH saying no to?

[Cambionome]

How do you respond when your dh says no to you?

I would recommend a sharp knee to the groin.

[HollowTalk]

I'm with PPs - what does your husband say No to? Are you happy in your marriage? Your son has clearly picked up a real problem that exists.

[Quartz2208]

Oh OP yes it is very worrying and shows how unhealthy your relationship is that your DH says no and your son thinks you have to get permission.

No woman should put up with that at any age and now your son is being affected by it

[Aerial2020]

Has it always been like this?
Do you have to ask permission for things?
I very much doubt your DH will change. Fancy saying to a child they own the tv? Even as a 'joke '.
This is years of embedded behaviour. I'm not sure how you unpick it , unless you work on what you want out of this and how you want to change things for you. Cos he won't change.

[Yeahnahmum]

Set your husband straight right now!!! And your son too.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I do EVERYTHING in the house, and my day is a lot longer than dh’s even if it’s not as difficult. Also I haven’t had a ‘day off’ since lockdown started.

Why not? have you asked your h to do his share, at least on days when he's not working? Do you have any other dc?

Oh his dad isn’t joking about the saying no part. That’s not a joke.

What was that about? Does he regularly tell you you can't do things?

But the part about everything being his is said jokingly.

I'm not sure it is. I think that's what he really thinks. He sounds awful, and your ds is clearly internalising misogynistic messages from his dad. It's terrible that he thinks you have to get permission from your h to go out - this is the attitude he will take forward into being an adult, and he may treat his gfs the same way.

I'd talk to your ds and say that people are equals and adults can do what they want; they don't have to ask permission. But this will only work if your h changes his attiude and backs this up. So you need to speak to your h first. Good luck with that...

[pickingdaisies]

OP how do you intend to change the dynamics in these relationships? Your ds is on course to turn out as nasty as your DH. You need to stop accepting this control of you.

[PicsInRed]

Girls can pull boys up in comments like this. Women, married with babies, without steady employment cannot. As the OP has discovered herself as a woman in 2020.

OP, things havent changed much in the past 20 years (except for the worse IMO), and won't change much in the next 20 years, so I'm more concerned for the safety of your son's future wife than for his ability to keep a wife. 🤔

You need to very, brutally honest in examining your relationship. Is your husband committing coercive control against you? It appears that he is and that is the relationship behaviour which has been modelled to your son and which he is on track to repeat in his own family.

You need to break the cycle of family violence.

healthtalk.org/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/coercive-controlling-behaviour

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

[PicsInRed]

But the part about everything being his is said jokingly.

It's not a joke, though is it?
Because you do as your told and know that you'll be punished if you don't.

He says or jokingly so it's harder for you to address it. If you did, you'd be a humourless bitch, right?