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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

don't know what to do

104 replies

Nicole0896 · 15/06/2020 19:33

so abit of back ground, ive been with my partner for nearly 3 years. We met when we was both at the lowest times in our life, for the first year of our relationship he cheated on me 10 times with his ex. I know I should of never let him back but I was in such a bad place that I always forgave him (also got told I couldnt have children so thought whatever). Anyway after the year we both moved into our own place, i sorted my life out and got a new job and he basically moved into my flat. We started having arguments and i was ready to break up with him but then the doctors called me and told me I was pregnant so decided I had to try.

So fast forward to now. I have a 5month old and a man who is basically living in my house but has nothing to do with us. He plays on his xbox all day and night. And I mean from as soon as he wakes up till he goes to sleep. Whenever he does speak to me its either to moan at me or call me names. I have asked him to leave a few times because I don't like the way he treats me or our son but he always says no and tells me to make him.

I really don't know what to do anymore, hes making me feel so depressed. Its not like we never had any good times because we did. But I dont know who this man is anymore and don't want to spend my life feeling like this.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 17/06/2020 11:03

it doesnt look like he went quietly.

LuluBellaBlue · 17/06/2020 11:24

Hope it went as well as possible for you OP Flowers

KittyKattyKate · 17/06/2020 12:30

Are you OK, OP? Has he gone?

Nicole0896 · 17/06/2020 13:47

Sorry I've not replied, yes he has gone, it took aqhile but finally he went. He took my charger with him also, so I had to go out and get a new one today.

Thank you for the support. I did know what I needed to do when I posted but I guess I just needed someone to tell me what I was meant to do was right.

OP posts:
getdownonit · 17/06/2020 13:49

Well done and a charger is a small price to pay. Hopefully you can relax today Thanks

Nicole0896 · 17/06/2020 13:54

I know. I raugher buy a new charger. I haven't heard anything yet but hes not normally awake yet but hopefully he gives me my space. His dad is coming over later to get the rest of his stuff

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/06/2020 14:17

Change your locks ASAP if he has a key.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2020 14:36

Good job Nicole. Take care of yourself.

Bunnymumy · 17/06/2020 14:44

Definately change the locks asap.
I'd be blocking him on everything bar one method of contact and only responding on that too if it was child related.

strawberry2017 · 17/06/2020 14:53

100% agree get the locks changed, he's awake on a different schedule to you and you need to be able to sleep soundly. Unless I'd course his parents made him leave the key behind x

Nicole0896 · 17/06/2020 14:56

I dont need to change the locks as he never had a key due to him never going out, I had one of his keys but he has got that back.

He cant get intouch either unless he has Internet as he does not have credit in his phone so unlikely im going to hear from him unless he arrives outside

OP posts:
SnowdropFox · 17/06/2020 15:17

So happy for you op. As pp said, a charger is a small price to pay. Do you have anyone to help you navigate parental right, access, maintenance etc? Or do you think any of that will be an issue?

Nicole0896 · 17/06/2020 15:59

I dont know anything about it really. I'm going have to sort something though as he hasn't paid anything so far and think it will be an issue. Also I think we will need mediation with childcare but I'm sure he won't want much to do with him

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 17/06/2020 16:23

OP enjoy your freedom ... your space.... your privacy ... your safe haven with your child Flowers

category12 · 17/06/2020 16:29

Apply for child support through the CMS.

Happynow001 · 17/06/2020 16:51

Well done @Nicole0896

You really don't want this character (I'm being polite here) in your life any more than you absolutely have to for your child's sake- if that!

I'm unsure of your financial situation but you could look at a couple of these to check you are claiming all you need to. Www.turn2us.org.uk
Www.entitledto.co.uk

Make sure all payments go into your account - not his.

Also contact your Council and apply for your 25% single occupier discount now you are truly the only adult in your home.

Good luck OP. 🌹

UnfinishedSymphon · 17/06/2020 17:09

well done on getting him out OP.

I'd still get the locks changed if you can, he could have sneakily had a key cut in the time you've been together, just for your own peace of mind.

Onwards and upwards!

AliasGrape · 17/06/2020 17:45

@Nicole0896 well done on being strong and getting him out.

You and your little one have a great life ahead of you now, you can really focus on the future without this loser dragging you down.

Go through CMS for maintenance, it won’t be much if he’s on benefits but it will be something and better it goes to your son that on his xbox live account or whatever he has.
Agree with previous poster definitely check out you’re receiving all the support you can via the entitledto or turn2us site.

It’s understandable if you feel a wobble or things feel strange for a bit. Please don’t doubt that you’ve done the right thing. Focus on having your flat and your life back. Do you have any friends/relatives you can reach out to, even if just you message/chat to a bit if you’re feeling a bit wobbly? Did you manage to meet any local mums prior to lockdown?

I’d not be tempted to contact your ex or his family. If he wants to arrange contact then he can instigate that, and like you say you can just say you want to do it through mediation as you’re not prepared to be insulted and threatened like he did when he was living with you, and you want to make sure you’re both coming at it from the position of doing what’s best for your son. There’s really no rush - in his current x-box addled state he’s no loss to your son at all, and I’d be very surprised if he even pulls his finger out to try and arrange contact.
I wouldn’t put it past him to try to use it as a stick to beat you with though, so don’t be surprised if you get threats of taking him/ getting full custody/ telling everyone how ‘crazy’ you are, accusations that you’re keeping his child from him and ‘everyone thinks’ you’re a bitch etc etc etc. It’s a script and it’s a load of hot air so just ignore it if it does come.

Norwolf · 17/06/2020 18:10

Nothing to add orher than Well done @Nicole0896 Flowers

Cat112344 · 18/06/2020 03:28

So he’s cheated on you an enormous amount of times, and now he’s a lazy fucker? Get rid OP

CodenameVillanelle · 18/06/2020 06:09

@Cat112344

So he’s cheated on you an enormous amount of times, and now he’s a lazy fucker? Get rid OP
Why would you come to a long thread and not bother reading past the first post?
Nicole0896 · 18/06/2020 10:44

@AliasGrape yes I am going to have a look at CM as he is on benifits but he does get around 1500 a month that just goes on his xbox, im lucky that I am financially stable myself so dont have to worry about that for now.

I'm not going to chase him either when it comes to visits, but like you said I do think he will try and get custody just to spite me and he might even try say something about me but I have a family nurse from social services involved with me already as I was a child in care and got offered the support. So I have no worries unless he took him for a visit and never brought him back.

I also know I might have a wobble as I kept taking him back in the past but my friend said she will help me move on with my life

OP posts:
SnowdropFox · 18/06/2020 11:32

You may be financially stable but your lo deserves contribution from her father. If you dont need it at the moment, put it into savings for her. It can pay for gymnastics or music lessons when shes older if interested.

Nicole0896 · 18/06/2020 11:41

I know what you mean, he has got a sav
Ings account which I would put the money in. Im going too look into CM and see what happens

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 18/06/2020 11:50

I also know I might have a wobble as I kept taking him back in the past but my friend said she will help me move on with my life

No wobbling! he's just a nasty habit you got into, but you're now free from. Your friend will support you, and so will we Flowers