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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ruined my bday celebration

83 replies

overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 00:43

It's my 30th bday this week and my boyfriend had a nice idea of inviting some friends to my garden for a socially distanced little party. I am not one for celebrating my bday really so this was a big deal for me and I was anxious for it all to go well.

We were having such a nice time until he and one of my friends (probably after too much alcohol) had a heated debate about black lives matter and she called him racist (to clarify, he is definitely not). It was really awkward and both of them should have known better. For me, it clouded the day, especially as it happened towards the end. My friend, to her credit, apologised multiple times. Later that evening when everyone had gone home, he was still going on about it despite her apology. It totally ruined the evening and he knew I was upset. I went upstairs on my own. He asked what was wrong, I said I was upset and he said I should get 'un-upset' because he was round my house. He left this morning and I was very cold towards him - I can't hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok when I'm not.

My issues are:

  • it was my 30th birthday AND the first celebration I had in my new house and it should have been a happy occasion
  • he should have known better than to get into a debate like that and I feel like he showed me up
  • he kept going on about it despite my friend's apology and the fact that he could tell I was upset about it
  • his lack of consideration for my feelings.

I didn't sleep much last night so this morning was not the time to raise it with him. I am not due to see him again until Wednesday but I don't want to wait until then to discuss it really. I am wondering whether I should message him tomorrow and say that we need to talk about what happened and give him the option of talking over the phone or meeting halfway between us (he lives about an hour away) to discuss it. Or would it be better to wait until Wednesday?

I'm upset because I had fears that we weren't compatible long term and I raised these about 5 weeks ago and since then everything had been great. I feel like this has just sent us backwards now.

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 15/06/2020 00:52

He sounds like a cock.

His behaviour upset you but now demands that you un-upset yourself whilst he graces you with his presence...

Do you usually do most of the accommodating in this relationship?

Interestedwoman · 15/06/2020 00:57

He sounds like a stroppy wanker. You don't have to put up with this. Bin. xx

Original poster
overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 01:37

@Interestedwoman

He sounds like a stroppy wanker. You don't have to put up with this. Bin. xx
yes, and I am always the one thinking about things, reflecting on things and trying to make it work...
OP posts:
Original poster
overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 01:39

@tobedtoMNandfart

He sounds like a cock.

His behaviour upset you but now demands that you un-upset yourself whilst he graces you with his presence...

Do you usually do most of the accommodating in this relationship?

quoted the wrong reply in my last message - but yes, I think I do tbh. I am always the one reflecting on things and initiating discussions on how to make things work. I am a believer in working on problems rather than just ending things and he usually does adapt his behaviour once I've spoken to him but it's like whack-a-mole - as soon as he starts behaving well in one area it's only a couple of weeks until there's another issue...
OP posts:
needhandhold · 15/06/2020 03:41

It’s really hard to live with somebody like him. Find yourself somebody non argumentative

JingsMahBucket · 15/06/2020 04:20

@overthinker121 how long have you been together? Maybe the length of time doesn’t matter because he was being a jerk no matter what, but if you say 6 months, definitely let him go.

Original poster
overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 04:25

[quote JingsMahBucket]@overthinker121 how long have you been together? Maybe the length of time doesn’t matter because he was being a jerk no matter what, but if you say 6 months, definitely let him go.[/quote]
We've been together 15 months. It's the total dismissal of my feelings that really upsets me

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 15/06/2020 04:42

He hasn’t behaved well, but you also sound like hard work. People make mistakes when they have had too much to drink. If happens more than once then it’s a problem.

Because two people had a heated discussion about an emotional topic it doesn’t take the shine away from you on your birthday.

LoveLoveLove2020 · 15/06/2020 04:50

I think you are over thinking it. It sounds like a heated discussion that got out of hand. He was probably quite hurt that your friend had wrongly accused him of being racist. Being drunk he might have just over thought this himself

I think give him another chance but make it clear that at your next event you don't want any debates going on as you are there to have fun.

JingsMahBucket · 15/06/2020 04:59

@overthinker121 if he’s constantly dismissing your feelings and you’re only 15 months into this, I’d cut him loose.

Coyoacan · 15/06/2020 05:00

I love heated conversations myself. It's a shame when alcohol is involved because things can get out of hand, but otherwise, different strokes for different folks.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/06/2020 05:16

I think being called racist feels insulting when you believe you are not and try to act in the best possible way to be caring toward everyone and treat all people the same.

Did he use unupset? You were supposed to get unupset. Why couldn’t he get unupset about being called racist?

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/06/2020 05:19

These things happen once you have a relationship that gets past the superficial, only talking about frivolous things. Not just for your bf talking with you, but also with friends.

I don’t think a debate about BLM should be taboo because it’s a birthday celebration. And when you start a conversation with a person, you don’t usually expect it to get heated or to be called a racist when you are not. So firstly, I think you expect too much by expecting to control what the people at your birthday party can talk about.

Secondly, it’s not your bfs fault that he was wrongly accused of being a racist. Your friend apologised several times because she knew she was wrong and hurling that is what made the party awkward. To then be upset at your boyfriend is victim blaming in my opinion.

Especially now that you’re going on about how this means the relationship is not long term compatible and you’re going backwards....what the fuck? Why? Because he has a nonracist opinion about BLM? Because you couldn’t control what he talks about, to whom, and then being the victim of verbal abuse? It’s his fault? Really?

It sounds to me like you are confusing long term compatible type relationship with a superficial, FWB, we don’t talk about anything serious or emotional because it’s no strings attached just having fun fun fun relationship.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/06/2020 05:22

We've been together 15 months. It's the total dismissal of my feelings that really upsets me

And yet you are totally dismissing his feelings when he was the one verbally abused! You seem more upset than he does, and he was the actual victim in being called a racist. Not you, because it happened (gasp) on your birthday!

Trews2019 · 15/06/2020 05:28

What did he say that led to your friend calling him racist?

Tianalia · 15/06/2020 05:39

What about his feelings? It surely would have been more credit to your friend if she hadn't called him a racist in the first place 🤷‍♀️ it's quite an unpleasant accusation if it's not true. I'm not surprised he's upset. Made worse by the fact that you want him to put up and shut up about it because it's your birthdayv🙄

AlternativePerspective · 15/06/2020 05:48

TBH you sound a bit precious. You wanted your birthday to go just so, and then when people happened to talk about something you didn’t approve of you blamed your BF because he got upset when your friend called him a racist.

And now you think he should be the one apologising? TBH I think you’re the one who owes him an apology for being angry at him for getting upset when he was called a racist.

vikingwife · 15/06/2020 05:49

I don’t see the problem here, if he is really not a racist being called one in a social setting would be embarrassing. He only ranted after everyone had left. It’s not like he didn’t want to celebrate you bday and that’s why it was ruined.

You sound like you had anxiety about the event going well & because it didn’t then you’re blaming him. It sounds as you describe your friend was in the wrong & saying sorry doesn’t automatically mean you are forgiven & everything is fine.

I think you could have put aside that it was the tail end of your bday night & could have been more sympathetic to your boyfriend.

Providing he is not a racist as you say.

SteelyPanther · 15/06/2020 06:15

I think you need to look at your relationship before your birthday. You admitted to being anxious about the party and alcohol was involved. Tensions are heightened at the moment.
Were there any cracks in the relationship before ? Has his behaviour on the night just added to your concerns ? Is this the excuse you’ve been waiting for or is this a one off ?

BoudicasBoudoir · 15/06/2020 06:41

Listen carefully to your doubts about not being compatible. If you know things aren’t right, it’s much easier to leave now than if you live together. And it gets really difficult when married-with-kids.

Windyatthebeach · 15/06/2020 06:48

My dh ruined my 40th.
He was an ex before my 41st....
Do not accept shitty behavior op..

Divebar · 15/06/2020 06:55

I definitely think emotions are all over the place at the moment - mine certainly are. So it could be the argument was a bit more vehement than it should have been but people feel passionate about subjects. If this situation occurred at the end of the party then I don’t see how the whole day was ruined - just it finished on a disappointing note. The suggestion to stop being upset was a bit glib and maybe he needed to take his own advice but if everyone was drunk / tipsy you don’t respond very rationally to situations ( which is why people fight outside nightclubs at 02.00 on a Saturday night or used to ). The test for me would be what he would be like under normal circumstances- if he sits there sulking for days then that would be more of an issue to me.

larrygrylls · 15/06/2020 07:04

I think that it is a truth that, if you are not yet living together, but still need to ‘work on’ a relationship, the sooner you end it the better.

If you were to ‘discuss’ it with your boyfriend, what would you want from him? Would an apology make it better or would you still feel ‘cold’ towards him?

PicsInRed · 15/06/2020 07:11

Is it possible that he ruined the birthday on purpose? Or, is your friend always an actual friend to you?

Who brought up BLM at a birthday party? What did he say that led to him being called racist? Did he say that in the presence of BAME person(s)?

livefornaps · 15/06/2020 07:18

Are you sure he's not just a little bit racist? Is he a white privelige denier or a "all lives matter" bloke?

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