Ruined my bday celebration

[overthinker121]

It's my 30th bday this week and my boyfriend had a nice idea of inviting some friends to my garden for a socially distanced little party. I am not one for celebrating my bday really so this was a big deal for me and I was anxious for it all to go well.

We were having such a nice time until he and one of my friends (probably after too much alcohol) had a heated debate about black lives matter and she called him racist (to clarify, he is definitely not). It was really awkward and both of them should have known better. For me, it clouded the day, especially as it happened towards the end. My friend, to her credit, apologised multiple times. Later that evening when everyone had gone home, he was still going on about it despite her apology. It totally ruined the evening and he knew I was upset. I went upstairs on my own. He asked what was wrong, I said I was upset and he said I should get 'un-upset' because he was round my house. He left this morning and I was very cold towards him - I can't hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok when I'm not.

My issues are:

• it was my 30th birthday AND the first celebration I had in my new house and it should have been a happy occasion

• he should have known better than to get into a debate like that and I feel like he showed me up

• he kept going on about it despite my friend's apology and the fact that he could tell I was upset about it

• his lack of consideration for my feelings.

I didn't sleep much last night so this morning was not the time to raise it with him. I am not due to see him again until Wednesday but I don't want to wait until then to discuss it really. I am wondering whether I should message him tomorrow and say that we need to talk about what happened and give him the option of talking over the phone or meeting halfway between us (he lives about an hour away) to discuss it. Or would it be better to wait until Wednesday?

I'm upset because I had fears that we weren't compatible long term and I raised these about 5 weeks ago and since then everything had been great. I feel like this has just sent us backwards now.

Thank you everyone for your input.

My boyfriend was saying something along the lines of black people's disadvantage being due to a lack of social mobility rather than their skin colour and used the example of Asian people being successful and having professional jobs to illustrate that it's not about skin colour. Or something like that, I was trying to stay out of it. I think there was a misunderstanding on both sides.

I am more angry with him than my friend because she apologised for calling him racist and engaging in the conversation whereas he wouldn't let it go despite her apology.

I accept that I have not taken his feelings into account but I do think that if you engage in conversation about a controversial topic you need to be prepared for people to get heated and perhaps overstep the mark.

I also accept that this probably didn't ruin the whole party, and that it only ruined it in my eyes - I am a very black and white thinker.

I am also cross because I would never behave like that with any of his friends, especially on an occasion that I knew he was anxious about and wanted to go well.

I have spoken to him about it and he seems to think he deserves a medal for not kicking off and telling my friend to fuck off and get out. He seems to think he actually saved the party from being ruined.

It just goes to show that is not what happens that's important, it's how you repair things when you realise other people's feelings that matters.
Unfortunately there is a load of mental baggage in everyone's brain that gets in the way.
He feels he put a lot of effort into dealing with a triggering situation nicely, you feel your party has been ruined, maybe you just need a chat about your feelings and both to LISTEN properly and validate each others feelings, then it will be alright.
Good luck!

Yep, I'm afraid your boyfriend is offensive at the least and most probably racist.
Denying the prejudice against black people is offensive. He has no right to decide that black people are lazy and that if Asian people can do it then so can they.
Bin him

Get rid.

Your description of 'whack-a-mole' - you're not compatible. Simple as. And after 15 months, the 'not compatible' is chuntering happily forward into 'not happy' - because that's what happens.

Now, you could be not suited because you are very black and white and overreact and he's careless and more selfish and he upsets you. Or he could be an argumentative, difficult wanker.

It doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that you think VERY hard and do something about it... because 15 months is the start of the dangerous time where you start to think, sunk costs. I've put 15 months into this, we can work it out...

Don't. Bin him

(and for the record, he sounds awful and his 'point' about social mobility was 100% shitty white whataboutery).

You seem to be doing a lot of “talking to him”, I was perplexed by this comment earlier on......

. I am always the one reflecting on things and initiating discussions on how to make things work. I am a believer in working on problems rather than just ending things and he usually does adapt his behaviour once I've spoken to him but it's like whack-a-mole - as soon as he starts behaving well in one area it's only a couple of weeks until there's another issue...

It’s like you are behaviour training a dog? So sorry but I think you both are not compatible to each other. You are training him, he is complying to commands but when he steps out of line you get upset. I think you should find someone that has better behaviours for your personality and I mean that in the nicest way as some people just aren’t right for each other.

TBH the whole “drunken pressurised mixing social groups of people who don’t know each other and aren’t on the same wavelength” sounds like a fucking recipe for disaster

as someone who is a bit older than 30 and tried to do the whole “hosting parties thing” I’ve learned that the way to social harmony is not to mix too many friendship groups and just enjoy connecting with and valuing people on a 1-1 basis

It saves a lot of emotional energy and social drama if you’re not having to explain to Hannah the military employee not to say X in front of Justin your vegan mate. Or dealing with fallouts afterwards because Claudia felt no-one talked to her etc etc

Next birthday get your man (even if you have a different one by then) to take you for a posh meal then curl up on the sofa and watch a film. No hassle.

it really shouldn't be his hard.. you sound like terribly hard work.. end it

@overthinker121 yeah what your boyfriend said was racist and your friend likely apologized just to calm him down and to not further distress you. She was correct in calling it out though. The fact that he still kept going on about it shows his (racist) arrogance at the thought that anyone would dare challenge him. I’d cut him loose for that alone, even more so because he doesn’t take your feelings into account and doesn’t change. You can’t change him so stop bothering with him.