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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ruined my bday celebration

83 replies

overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 00:43

It's my 30th bday this week and my boyfriend had a nice idea of inviting some friends to my garden for a socially distanced little party. I am not one for celebrating my bday really so this was a big deal for me and I was anxious for it all to go well.

We were having such a nice time until he and one of my friends (probably after too much alcohol) had a heated debate about black lives matter and she called him racist (to clarify, he is definitely not). It was really awkward and both of them should have known better. For me, it clouded the day, especially as it happened towards the end. My friend, to her credit, apologised multiple times. Later that evening when everyone had gone home, he was still going on about it despite her apology. It totally ruined the evening and he knew I was upset. I went upstairs on my own. He asked what was wrong, I said I was upset and he said I should get 'un-upset' because he was round my house. He left this morning and I was very cold towards him - I can't hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok when I'm not.

My issues are:

  • it was my 30th birthday AND the first celebration I had in my new house and it should have been a happy occasion
  • he should have known better than to get into a debate like that and I feel like he showed me up
  • he kept going on about it despite my friend's apology and the fact that he could tell I was upset about it
  • his lack of consideration for my feelings.

I didn't sleep much last night so this morning was not the time to raise it with him. I am not due to see him again until Wednesday but I don't want to wait until then to discuss it really. I am wondering whether I should message him tomorrow and say that we need to talk about what happened and give him the option of talking over the phone or meeting halfway between us (he lives about an hour away) to discuss it. Or would it be better to wait until Wednesday?

I'm upset because I had fears that we weren't compatible long term and I raised these about 5 weeks ago and since then everything had been great. I feel like this has just sent us backwards now.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2020 08:34

BLM is a current topic that everyone is talking about. It sounds like it was brought up by your friend, not him. I’m not sure why you’re not annoyed with her.

It’s not real life to expect all conversations to be rosy and happy, just because it’s your birthday.

Saladmakesmesad · 15/06/2020 08:35

You need to be on his side and it doesn’t sound like you were. Did you call out your friend? Are you going to call or meet half way to tell her she’s upset you? It’s appalling to call someone racist and it’s flying around far too freely at the moment (and no, it absolutely isn’t always justified). Your boyfriend must have been doubly hurt by the slur and then you not supporting him and making it all about you.

Lynda07 · 15/06/2020 08:36

Please tell us what he said to provoke that comment from your friend. How can we assess the situation without knowing the facts?

Macon · 15/06/2020 08:37

I am a believer in working on problems rather than just ending things and he usually does adapt his behaviour once I've spoken to him but it's like whack-a-mole

The whack-a-mole comment amused me - but the idea of him changing his behaviour "once I've spoken to him" sounds to me not entirely pleasantly reminiscent of a parent talking about a naughty child.

I suspect your boyfriend will become very, very pissed off with you "speaking to him" about his behaviour, and will find someone who is willing to accept him as he is, not as she wants him to be.

scubadive · 15/06/2020 08:41

I imagine your boyfriend was upset about being called a racist and if he was ‘ still going in about it’ it sounds that you were dismissing his feelings too. He told you to be unupset and you were effectively saying he should get over the argument.

I think you are being too precious about your birthday, saying one argument spoilt your day and then being cold with him that night and in the morning. It seems to me that your behaviour spoilt your birthday.

scubadive · 15/06/2020 08:44

Also you wouldn’t talk to him about it this morning and now that you want to talk about it you want him to drive and meet you to talk. I wouldn’t be surprised if he said no, I would if I were him.

GrandAltogetherSo · 15/06/2020 08:57

So you have to be ‘un-upset’ whilst he’s gracing you with his presence but he didn’t manage to curb his drinking after feeling tipsy so went for the full on ‘getting drunk’ at your birthday party and arguing with one of your friends. Charming!

Life’s too short to wait for someone to grow up.

You can do better, OP. Get him binned.

whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens · 15/06/2020 08:59

Interesting the friend has got away scott free - perhaps you are looking for excuses to end the relationship?

You do come across as rather precious.

TranielleRadcliffe · 15/06/2020 09:00

@Macon

I am a believer in working on problems rather than just ending things and he usually does adapt his behaviour once I've spoken to him but it's like whack-a-mole

The whack-a-mole comment amused me - but the idea of him changing his behaviour "once I've spoken to him" sounds to me not entirely pleasantly reminiscent of a parent talking about a naughty child.

I suspect your boyfriend will become very, very pissed off with you "speaking to him" about his behaviour, and will find someone who is willing to accept him as he is, not as she wants him to be.

Have to agree. You’re not his mother and do not need to discuss his behaviour. What if he wants to discuss your behaviour?

Personally, I think you’re both being a bit silly. Yes, it’s unpleasant to be called a racist (assuming he’s not) but to go on and on about it all evening is ridiculous. No, it’s not nice for people to have an argument at your party but to go off stripping after your boyfriend arranged it for you is immature.

Both of you sound like hard work.

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/06/2020 09:07

I felt he showed me up.

Why would you feel this? Do you feel that you need 'the perfect boyfriend' to go with the house and the lifestyle or something? Or did you want to trot him out in front of your friends?

Because his behaviour doesn't reflect on you, he's an adult. You aren't responsible for him. He shouldn't have gone on about it but, quite frankly, if someone called me a racist I would have taken quite a severe hump and gone home. He stayed, presumably helped you clear up, and went on about it because drink had been taken.

If he doesn't suit you, bin him. But this sounds like you are looking for reasons to get rid of him, something 'solid' to pin the ending of the relationship on. You don't need that. You want rid, get rid.

Dontbeme · 15/06/2020 09:10

I said I was upset and he said I should get 'un-upset' because he was round my house

This would get to me, His Lordship letting you know that you should be grateful for his presence.

Honestly OP you don't sound suited to this guy, this is what dating is about, finding out how you rub along together, I would be inclined to end it if there was this much angst.

Sally872 · 15/06/2020 09:20

If your boyfriend is definitely not a racist then I think you should have been more understanding. I would have been really upset to be called a racist, and would have expected partner to reassure me people dont think that, friend has apologised, you haven't said anything racist. World doesn't revolve around you birthday or not.

Interested to know what he actually said though. As a lot of people say "I am not racist but........."

Aerial2020 · 15/06/2020 09:29

What did he actually say??
There's a trigger somewhere. The outcome is not the root of what's going on.

PicsInRed · 15/06/2020 09:36

The longer we wait to hear what was said, the more likely it is that what he said did warrant calling out, even at a birthday party.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 09:38

I don't think we'll know what the bf said but given the friend who said he was then apologised several times- and OP said it wasn't- I can't imagine what it would be!

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/06/2020 09:40

Nice bait picsinred. Because keeping things private = something to hide, no?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 15/06/2020 09:42

I think PicsInRed has it - in the absence of further details, I think he was rightly called out for his views being racist and he didn't like it, so the whole thing became about him being upset. And I think seeing OP still upset about it all made him more angry; it meant he couldn't just forget about it and pretend he wasn't All Lives Mattering it up during her birthday party.

whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens · 15/06/2020 09:43

@PicsInRed

The longer we wait to hear what was said, the more likely it is that what he said did warrant calling out, even at a birthday party.

Eh? Confused How do you deduce that?

AgentJohnson · 15/06/2020 09:48

You aren’t suited and neither of you come out of this particularly well.

Consideration of feelings is a two way street and it appears you feel (not unusual with an anxious person) that your feelings take precedent.

PicsInRed · 15/06/2020 10:30

@PlanDeRaccordement

Nice bait picsinred. Because keeping things private = something to hide, no?
It's not bait, its common sense. If what he said was reasonable and the friend was barking, OP could just write what he said. Bit awkward though if he's been all "all lives matter" and "they get shot cos they're crims", and "if you don't like it here, go back to etc etc".

Would certainly result in a lot of LTB replies.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 10:37

Or maybe op does not want to say as it definitely wasn't, again given she said it wasn't at the time and friend apologised?

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2020 10:42

I do understand the fact you’re upset about your birthday but one of your friends called him a racist, and publicly so, when you’re sure he isn’t. This would upset most people, even with an apology, it seems though he is getting the blame. And you feel it was all his fault.

If one of my husbands friends called me a racist, even with an apology I’d be really fucked off about it and I’d expect my husband to allocate blame fairly for the argument, not all on me.

Is there something missing here, why do you feel he was fully at fault, or have you equally fallen out with your friend?

Danni91 · 15/06/2020 20:41

Did you not defend him when he was called racist in front of everyone?
This could be the most self absorbed thread I've read all week.
Although, he shouldn't have try to dictate your feelings. But then also you shouldn't minimize his either, he was clearly hurt by it hence the late night rambling.

Danni91 · 15/06/2020 20:43

Plus the fact you said you was purposely cold to him this morning because you wont hide your feelings, was he not just doing the same last night?
He was angry as well.

I think both at fault and if your questioning the relationship over this one incident then there probably wasn't much of a relationship to begin with

AlwaysCheddar · 15/06/2020 21:26

The relationship is over.