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Original poster

Ruined my bday celebration

83 replies

overthinker121 · 15/06/2020 00:43

It's my 30th bday this week and my boyfriend had a nice idea of inviting some friends to my garden for a socially distanced little party. I am not one for celebrating my bday really so this was a big deal for me and I was anxious for it all to go well.

We were having such a nice time until he and one of my friends (probably after too much alcohol) had a heated debate about black lives matter and she called him racist (to clarify, he is definitely not). It was really awkward and both of them should have known better. For me, it clouded the day, especially as it happened towards the end. My friend, to her credit, apologised multiple times. Later that evening when everyone had gone home, he was still going on about it despite her apology. It totally ruined the evening and he knew I was upset. I went upstairs on my own. He asked what was wrong, I said I was upset and he said I should get 'un-upset' because he was round my house. He left this morning and I was very cold towards him - I can't hide my feelings and pretend I'm ok when I'm not.

My issues are:

  • it was my 30th birthday AND the first celebration I had in my new house and it should have been a happy occasion
  • he should have known better than to get into a debate like that and I feel like he showed me up
  • he kept going on about it despite my friend's apology and the fact that he could tell I was upset about it
  • his lack of consideration for my feelings.

I didn't sleep much last night so this morning was not the time to raise it with him. I am not due to see him again until Wednesday but I don't want to wait until then to discuss it really. I am wondering whether I should message him tomorrow and say that we need to talk about what happened and give him the option of talking over the phone or meeting halfway between us (he lives about an hour away) to discuss it. Or would it be better to wait until Wednesday?

I'm upset because I had fears that we weren't compatible long term and I raised these about 5 weeks ago and since then everything had been great. I feel like this has just sent us backwards now.

OP posts:
octobersky19 · 15/06/2020 07:20

This would really hurt me, I don't see how I would get over that. It's a complete lack of consideration for your feelings

ivfgottostaypositive · 15/06/2020 07:23

Are you also cross at your friend?? Seems to me like you are looking excuses to fall out with him? At the end of the day it was him AND your friend who got into the discussion

Collaborate · 15/06/2020 07:39

Complete cognitive dissonance going on here, by which you complain he doesn’t care about your feelings yet you got annoyed when he got (you say justifiably) upset. Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean to say only your feelings count.

And to top it all you come on here knowing full well a sizeable percentage of posters will without doubt tell you to ditch him and call him all sorts of pejorative names. Let’s face it, Rose West could have posted on here and got plenty supporting her.

Maybe he’s rethinking things too.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 07:44

I think being called racist feels insulting when you believe you are not and try to act in the best possible way to be caring toward everyone and treat all people the same. Although what did he actually say?

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 07:45

Then again she called him racist (to clarify, he is definitely not) so he didn't actually say something racist?

ivfgottostaypositive · 15/06/2020 07:47

@Collaborate

Loving your post! And so true!

ScrapThatThen · 15/06/2020 07:59

There's a societal context to this. People like your friend are feeling and hearing that they cannot and should not let racism lie, so she probably approached it in a much more heated way than any of you are necessarily used to. And I am guessing that people like your boyfriend are confused angry and upset by hearing this view of their motivations.
However, your relationship sounds like a lot of hard work for you, and you can do better.

WilheldivaHater · 15/06/2020 08:01

I know you've said that he's not a racist but I do have to wonder what he said to your friend that made her think he was being racist. I've personally never known somebody be accused of racist behaviour without them saying or doing something to prompt the accusation.

If you feel like he has ruined your birthday, not taken your feelings into account and you don't live together or have any ties and it's more a pattern of behaviour than a once off, I'd call it a day.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 08:01

But scrap op has said that her boyfriend wasnt being racist?

Tappering · 15/06/2020 08:01

I can't comment on whether he's racist or not because there isn't enough info there. However I'd flag that if your friend has called him racist, then there's likely to be something there - people don't call others racist out of thin air. Racism, however subtle and casual, would be an instant deal breaker for me.

But what really stands out for me is your comment about his behaviour being like whac-a-mole. No sooner do you get past one thing, but another pops up. That's not a viable long term relationship. It's not your responsibility to fix him and his issues. If his behaviour is an ongoing issue, then dump him. Find someone who suits you better. Relationships are supposed to add to your life and make you happy.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 08:04

By that logic Op is a racist as well then? If she didn't think it was racist but her friend does?

UntamedWisteria · 15/06/2020 08:05

How do you know he's not a racist?

We had a similar situation this weekend for a milestone birthday & I had to endure drunken political rants from someone who probably doesn't think they are racist, but from a position of white privilege, they just can't see it.

I was the co-host and it really upset me. I have vowed now to call out racism every time I see it now, regardless of not wanting to hurt people's feelings or because it may be inappropriate in the social context.

Because if we don't, it will just continue the way it's always been.

Agree completely with ScrapThatThen.

SunshineCake · 15/06/2020 08:05

You should get un-upset? Patronising shit. That would have him out and over for me.

alittlelower · 15/06/2020 08:05

I am a believer in working on problems rather than just ending things and he usually does adapt his behaviour once I've spoken to him but it's like whack-a-mole

I believed this and it led me to waste my life with someone I should have dumped much earlier on. One of the life lessons I have learnt is that relationships shouldn't be hard work. And it certainly, certainly shouldn't be all about you 'fixing' the relationship.

Cut yourself loose and find yourself someone you are more compatible with.

UntamedWisteria · 15/06/2020 08:07

If it was a debate about statues, there can be a lot of racist views hidden behind the opinions about 'not erasing history'.

FreeKitties · 15/06/2020 08:10

The thing is OP you can’t expect all events and gatherings to follow a script or be ‘perfect’, life isn’t like an advert! people chat, argue, fall out etc, it’s human nature. So an argument happened at your party, honestly why does it matter ? And how does rehashing it afterwards with your bf help? It won’t change it!
I’m not saying your are not entitled to feelings because you are, and it’s ok to express them but sometimes there aren’t any resolutions as such.

youareoursunshine · 15/06/2020 08:10

As others have said context is massively important here, especially around what he actually said about BLM. Lots of us have learnt we need to

@Collaborate comment is spot on, if we flipped the conversation would the advice be the same? If you had planned a party for your boyfriend, got a discussion with his friend about BLM, called a racist despite you not believing you were, and then he went off into his bedroom leaving you downstairs at his house...

Instatwat · 15/06/2020 08:14

You sound like hard work to be honest. He was a bit of a dick, probably not helped by the booze, but you’ve really drawn it out.

You get to have other parties at your house, you know? The “first one” isn’t that special!

I’d be really upset to be called a racist and would probably still be mulling it over in the evening too. But apparently only your feelings of upset matter?

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2020 08:15

Mm. Hard to say without knowing what he said but maybe he was being racist in his views about blm. I don't think there's anything wrong with a healthy debate at a party after a few drinks and you can't expect to control all the conversations between others.

Sounds like he's a bit of a knob though

theendoftheendoftheend · 15/06/2020 08:18

Don't message him, leave it til Wednesday when you have had time to think it over and can talk face to face.

sonjadog · 15/06/2020 08:19

I have sympathies with your boyfriend. It is horrible to be called racist and I would be very upset, like he was, about it. And I wouldn't expect to have to apologize for being upset about being called it because it was my partner's birthday.

However, your later posts make it sound like you two aren't compatible. You shouldn't be working on issues every couple of months at your stage. I would end it for that reason.

rookiemere · 15/06/2020 08:25

I invited work friends to my wedding and they got drunk and had a very public argument with admittedly rather annoying other work friends DP. I have seen very little of them since and it completely changed my opinion of them.
If you're there to celebrate an occasion, the polite thing to do is to remember that anything you say or do could impact on that so button your lip accordingly. My BIL once made a horrendously misogynistic remark to me jokily, but as the occasion was to celebrate the adoption of their foster DCs I have seethed for years about it rather than responding.
This bloke puts his feelings before yours. Be warned and see what he's like in the future.

Quarantimespringclean · 15/06/2020 08:25

If it was a good night then two people having a drunken argument at the end of it won’t ruin it for the other guests. It’s pretty standard. I doubt your other guests will even remember it so from that POV you are being a bit dramatic.

However your boyfriends attitude afterwards was a bit shitty. If his behaviour has changed your opinion of him or your feelings for him then you know what to do - dump him and find someone who will treat you better. What you shouldn’t do is try and wring some sort of half hearted, insincere ‘apology’ out of him by sulking or giving him the ‘cold’ treatment.

TitianaTitsling · 15/06/2020 08:28

If your friend apologised to him, does that mean he wasn't actually being racist? Why are you not more annoyed with her then?

Pinklynx · 15/06/2020 08:34

Over the years I've come to believe that a large part of compatibility is how you both deal with conflicts/disagreements. For whatever reason, your boyfriend's unwillingness to engage with you in the way you would like doesn't work for you and for that reason I don't think the relationship has a long term future.