I have been silenced.......................

[ConcentricCircles]

Where to begin.After knowing each other for 8 years, my partner persuaded me to live with him so that we could sort and decorate this house, then search for a joint house and thus have a 'rest of our lives' fabulous time together.
Well, it isn't. He's lazy. will only clean up when suggested to. Only bathes approx twice a week. Won't cook. Makes no effort to go out except to do what suits him, spending most of the time in the corner of the room on his screen telling me he expects me to be silent and not disturb him. etc.
I feel I have been lied to.
I'm now in the spare room as the bedroom stinks so much due to his lack of hygiene.
He tells me he has anxiety, so I've worked with that. Tried to boost his self esteem/confidence, bit my tongue when things don't get done as if I do say anything he closes his eyes, does big sighs, then goes to bed, making me feel bad.
Yesterday - and not for the first time - he blew up at me, no sign of anxiety , yelled, swore and stormed off to bed. He's still there. He did get up this morning, but for once I was really cross and told him in no uncertain terms that after 4 years of this, I've had enough, that he needs to see a doc if his anxiety is that bad. He then closed his eyes, sighed and went back to bed, and is still there.

Is this really how anxiety manifests itself? I knew him for 8 years previous to moving in and had no sign of it apart from him cancelling a couple of weekends as he needed 'some quiet time', which I though nothing of.

So, I have learned to know my place. I have been silenced...........he thinks!

I've decided to leave and move somewhere I've always wanted to live. I've spent the day searching for jobs and places to rent. I've found a place where, in my head, I'm living already..................

............and I feel so bloody sad. What a waste.

[MulticolourMophead]

Good luck for your future, OP.

[Quackersandcheese3]

He sounds like a dick. Move on from him .

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

Only bathes approx twice a week

Grim



I've decided to leave and move somewhere I've always wanted to live. I've spent the day searching for jobs and places to rent. I've found a place where, in my head, I'm living already..................

............and I feel so bloody sad. What a waste


That's great Op. Doubt it's any thing other than LFS. Lazy Fucker Syndrome.

I hope you get to really leave soon and please let us know , I'd love to see updates about your new stinky wanker free life 😘💕

[Khione]

The only thing he's anxious about is that you will wake up to the fact that you really don't need him any more.

[Longwhiskers14]

That's not anxiety, that's sheer laziness. I couldn't be with someone so stinky I had to sleep in a different room! Enjoy your new life away from him, OP.

[Ellie56]

Eww OP he sounds gross. You do not have put up with his stinky disgusting behaviour.

Well done for finding a way out.

[Progress2019]

I’m so happy for you!

Sometimes threads start like yours, then ask ‘should I leave him’, and everyone says yes, then the OP starts making excuses for him. You're not doing that, you’re making plans and it must feel SO good.

I truly wish you a wonderful, happy, clean future

[LuluJakey1]

I am delighted for you that you are escaping but if he is so disgusting that you haven't been able to have sex with him for 3 years why did you move in with him? Were you expecting him to change suddenly?

[LizB62A]

Don't waste time being sad - it's not your fault.
Instead look forward to your new life - it's going to be fab!!

[LuluJakey1]

I can not understand why people choose to be filthy and have disgusting personal hygiene (mental health issues aside). It can't just be men, there must also be women like this. Clean feels so much nicer.

[ConcentricCircles]

I know some of you have gone through similar things to what I've said here, and you've come out of the other side. Well, my lovelies, once I decide upon a thing, then that's it, I'm doing it....and it's all down to you.
At one time, I'd have felt guilty for writing this. And would have caved when he took himself off to bed, offering tea to coax him out from under the duvet, feeling sorry for him, apologising for upsetting him. I can't believe I did that.
But today I have ignored the fug crawling out from under his door and have totally ignored him. No tea, no sympathy.

The original plan was for us to do up this house then sell and buy somewhere together. But yep, it never happened. So I've lived in a half done house with most of the decor done by me - including totally tiling 2 of the rooms.....and sorting the garden. But like pps have said, thank god I didn't buy with him.

[EwwSprouts]

Unfortunate but one of life's unexpected lessons. It couldn't be foreseen & you've learnt the reality of him. You are worth so much more. I hope your new life takes shape soon.

[McCanne]

He may well have anxiety but he would still also be an absolute dick. You deserve better and I’m glad you know that! Good luck in your new life, living for yourself!

[Cindie943811A]

Very best wishes for the future OP. You are sounding more positive already. Life is too short to spent it on someone who does not deserve the care and consideration you’ve given him. What about the anxiety he has caused you? Sounds like he really wanted a mother to care for him and to humour his moods.
Go and enjoy life, pick up old friendships, make new ones, enjoy activities and LIVE. Good luck

[Standrewsschool]

Onwards and upwards. Wishing you all the best for the future...without him.

[ConcentricCircles]

@LuluJakey1 - I am delighted for you that you are escaping but if he is so disgusting that you haven't been able to have sex with him for 3 years why did you move in with him? Were you expecting him to change suddenly

^ when we met we lived a fair way apart, so only saw each other maybe once a week or fortnight. He visited me and bathed/did ablutions etc, I visited him he bathed/did ablutions, cleaned up, changed sheets, cooked....all well. No indications to contrary. I moved here just over 4 years ago. In the newness of it all everything was ok, but a few months down the line things began to slide. This is when he told me of his 'anxiety', and also when he began to shout if I suggested he had a bath/shaved/changed clothes etc.
The day he shouted he couldn't be bothered with it all was the day I sat on the bed and thought 'what do I do'. the answer was to move into the spare room and a standoff began. No bath, no sex. After much prevarication yesterday was the day the light switched on in my head after a comment he made. And so here we are.

[TooTrueToBeGood]

Even if he does have anxiety that's his problem, you don't need to make it yours. Presumably when you got into this relationship you saw your role as one of partner/girlfriend/soulmate etc. Instead you're getting the role of carer, social worker and emotional punch bag. Fuck that shit. You deserve better and if he needs support there are plenty of agencies that can help him. Leave and do not waste a second feeling guilty or sorry, that will just risk luring you back in.

[ConcentricCircles]

@Progress2019
Sometimes threads start like yours, then ask ‘should I leave him’, and everyone says yes, then the OP starts making excuses for him. You're not doing that, you’re making plans and it must feel SO good

I've made all the excuses I can for him during these past few years. TBH I've cried, cajoled, been exasperated and all the time have read so many threads very similar to mine, here on MN and have steadily absorbed all the info' given to those OPS.
This past year I've fantasised about my own place - the one I used to have - and weirdly last night I had a dream which was full of people and events from my past.

This morning though I told him for the 1st time that I wish I had never moved here. and I mean it.

So, it's done. My plans are in my head and are staying there. He won't cause a fuss as he probably can't be bothered - not even to save our relationship, small though it now is. But I need my plans to be finalised before I tell him.
He will know when I 've left as there will be very little or rather no furniture left. It's mine.....and the house is his.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

Good luck with the job OP, fingers crossed! And well done for plotting Out. Definitely the right thing to do.

[Happynow001]

He will know when I 've left as there will be very little or rather no furniture left. It's mine.....and the house is his.
Good plan. Just ensure you have a couple of strong people to help you move, preferably in one go, in case he kicks up a fuss. Also remember to factor in getting your mail redirected. You can do it online and I think it takes about seven days before redirection starts.

In the interim it wouldn't hurt to ensure that all your devices, Email and bank accounts have a strong password. Plus any important documents are offsite somewhere safe ASAP and certainly before you give him the news if your departure.

Finally, in case he tries to lock you out before you are ready, have another set of keys cut and keep them safe.

[BumbleBeee69]

Oh I do enjoy a happy ending.. good luck OP...

and please... DO take your furniture

[Supersimkin2]

Something tells me a certain stinky skank will be pulling a MH crisis when you leave.

Good.

All the proof you need to keep on driving away.

[Pinklynx]

The thing is you're doing all the work. Cajoling him, soothing him, tiptoeing round him, cleaning round him. It's exhausting just hearing about it.

Many people with anxiety can and do get help. They do go to doctors, counsellors, support groups. Your partner isn't doing any of those things. And yet he has enough energy to do the things it suits him to do, like shouting at you, controlling you, going on his screen etc.

Your life without this weight round your neck could be wonderful. You sound so nice. Good luck OP

[Opaljewel]

I've had anxiety 10 years. Panic disorder in fact. And no I don't do any of this. Get rid!

[AngryPrincess]

Great that you found out now. Leave asap. Enjoy not being with a twat!