I have been silenced.......................

[ConcentricCircles]

Where to begin.After knowing each other for 8 years, my partner persuaded me to live with him so that we could sort and decorate this house, then search for a joint house and thus have a 'rest of our lives' fabulous time together.
Well, it isn't. He's lazy. will only clean up when suggested to. Only bathes approx twice a week. Won't cook. Makes no effort to go out except to do what suits him, spending most of the time in the corner of the room on his screen telling me he expects me to be silent and not disturb him. etc.
I feel I have been lied to.
I'm now in the spare room as the bedroom stinks so much due to his lack of hygiene.
He tells me he has anxiety, so I've worked with that. Tried to boost his self esteem/confidence, bit my tongue when things don't get done as if I do say anything he closes his eyes, does big sighs, then goes to bed, making me feel bad.
Yesterday - and not for the first time - he blew up at me, no sign of anxiety , yelled, swore and stormed off to bed. He's still there. He did get up this morning, but for once I was really cross and told him in no uncertain terms that after 4 years of this, I've had enough, that he needs to see a doc if his anxiety is that bad. He then closed his eyes, sighed and went back to bed, and is still there.

Is this really how anxiety manifests itself? I knew him for 8 years previous to moving in and had no sign of it apart from him cancelling a couple of weekends as he needed 'some quiet time', which I though nothing of.

So, I have learned to know my place. I have been silenced...........he thinks!

I've decided to leave and move somewhere I've always wanted to live. I've spent the day searching for jobs and places to rent. I've found a place where, in my head, I'm living already..................

............and I feel so bloody sad. What a waste.

[Deathraystare]

I have always been shocked when passing a particularly smelly individual to find a perfectly smart, non stinky woman accompanying them. I thought they might be noseblind, but are just resigned!

[L0cked0utL0ck392]

No turning back now

Good luck for a better future and a new start

[BumbleBeee69]

good luck with the jobs OP..

[Cheesecakejar]

In response to anyone who suggested finding someone else to 'look after him,' the OP owes him absolutely nothing. Honestly I have been in this exact situation, he's just a lazy slob and it might actually do him good to be left so he has to face up to how he is acting, hopefully he even improves himself. Please keep us updated OP. You don't know how much I'm rooting for you to get an amazing job and live life to the full again!

[Collision]

You sound so strong so I hope your plans are successful

[ilikemethewayiam]

I have suffered severe depression and anxiety most of my life due to childhood trauma and an abusive relationship but I have never ‘blamed’ anyone else for it. In the depths of despair I still understood it was no one else’s fault and no one else’s responsibility . I was still able to pick up the phone to get help. OP’s partner no matter how down or depressed he is, is capable of this if he wants to get better. Like a lot of abusive people he doesn’t want to, he just wants to blame it on someone else and make it someone else’s responsibility. OP’s responsibility is to herself to have the best life she can for herself and that will never be with him.

Well done OP. We all, sooner or later, have that light bulb moment when we realise it’s never going to change. Go have the life you deserve and put your self first from now on.

[ConcentricCircles]

Thank you all for your comments and good wishes ,they're really helpful and it seems, almost unanimous.

Re the suggestion that I involve friends/relatives to step in when I've gone, I can't/won't do that to them. The guilt and stress I've gone through is awful and yes, I'm struggling. It's up to him now. What @Pinklynx Mon 15-Jun-20 06:18:22 said in her post sums it up so well. Thank you for that .

Right, time for an early lunch then get down to applying for those jobs. I don't know how long all this will take (weeks at least), but as pp's have asked, I will at some point come back and update.....how could I not after all your support. Thank you again.

[billybagpuss]

Good luck with the job hunting op 💐

[Pinklynx]

Is there someone you can ask to help him? His parents? Sibling? Friend? Since you’ve had enough and are leaving

I'm sure his friends and family have tried to help. The OP has tried to help. For years and years. If it's part of his condition that he can't seek help as been suggested here, then no amount of someone suggesting or cajoling is going to change that. I don't think we should put any more responsibility onto OP to help him fix himself, even by suggesting she speaks to others about it. He's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want this.

He hasn't said to OP that he wishes things could be different or he would love to change but he just can't at the moment. I don't think it's right for the baton of responsibility to be passed to someone else to fix him when it results in passive aggression or simply aggression. Even if he had treatment he would have to engage with it. He'd have to take the medication, or do the CBT exercises or talk to the therapist, he would have to at the very least attend the appointment. No psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist is going to go to someone's house who is well enough to get out of bed, to eat, to go out and make them have treatment.

[everythingbackbutyou]

Off you go, don't look back! You are about 20 years earlier into your relationship than I was when I finally set myself free, be proud that you were not gaslighted any further!

[MulticolourMophead]

@kateandme

some people with mental illness cant seek help.that IS one of the very real symtoms of it..its not the same as other illness in that regard.no matter how much they wish they could change things.just sayin...

Maybe. But that doesn't mean OP has to put up with this behaviour, she's not his therapist. It's on him to change, to sort out his MH, if that's what it is. But it does look to me as if he kept up his hygiene, etc, until he thought OP would just put up with it.

[AcrossthePond55]

I feel so bloody sad. What a waste.

No, no...it's not a 'waste'. This experience has given you the determination to live someplace you've always wanted to live! It may have no been the way you wanted to get that determination, but hey, the result is the same!!!

Fingers crossed for the job and a tidy, sweet-smelling new home!

[Coyoacan]

You remind me of myself when I split up from my abusive ex, I was walking around with my head in the clouds for weeks, it was so exhilarating.

[Guineapigbridge]

Even if it is anxiety or mental health, it's not your problem. You don't need to feel guilted into making it your problem. You're allowed to say no, this isn't going to be my life.

You have ONE life. One.

[expat101]

OP what you have written could very well have been said by my neighbour's partner. I posted on MN some weeks back, the thread was talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder which I'm positive is what my neighbour is/has/does.

His Partner also moved considerable distance to live with him and I know she knows he has feed her continual lies. The current one is exactly the same as yours, ie we will do this place up and then sell it, moving on (to where she wants to live). However he is doing very little to ''do up'' the property, so far its been others and the bits he is personally responsible for, haven't been touched.

I think what is happening for your partner and this neighbour of ours, is they have reached a point where they know they cannot control you/partner so have given up and are sitting it out. She is his 2nd partner at this property, no doubt there will be a 3rd.

Our neighbour's partner has told him if they don't go together, she will be going.

So just go and make a new life for yourself. If I was your neighbour, I would certainly give you a hand to load up to go.

[YouokHun]

Anxiety and depression do go hand in hand and it sounds like he’s really struggling with depression but it’s very hard if he can’t get help. You don’t have to stay, he either hid it well previously (like the smell) or he’s never had such a bad episode. Is there someone you can ask to help him? His parents? Sibling? Friend? Since you’ve had enough and are leaving

@OntheWaves40 I was just going to say that it sounds like depression to me; lack of self care, mood problems, lack of motivation, anger (based on my time treating both anxiety disorders and depression). It could be relatively simple to treat so let’s hope he gets himself to the GP. Or perhaps as a parting gift you can leave him with the self referral forms for IAPT. It might be You leaving which actually is the catalyst for him sorting himself out.

I think you’re totally right to move on OP, life is so short that you can’t waste it living with him. He’s got to sort himself out.

[PickAChew]

If t wasn't the timeline, I'd swear you'd been saddled with my ex, btw. He even did that awful throat clearing thing.

I mention the timeline because it's only 2 years since his more recent victim kicked him out. He treated her far worse than he treated me.

[B1rdbra1n]

He's too lazy too even be effective as a bad person😳
How did you get lumbered with such a lemon🍋OP😖

[PickAChew]

The good thing is that you discovered who he was before you made a massive financial investment. The loser couldn't even keep up the pretense for long enough to get you fully hooked in.

[B1rdbra1n]

Go you OP😄
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I hope you can come back and update us😊
pretty please
😊
🙏

[BlueJava]

Well done OP, embrace the future!!

[Chattycatty]

You can't fix him all that will happen is you'll be dragged down in to the pit of despair with him. Run don't feel guilty get out now

[Davespecifico]

Whether he has anxiety or not, you don’t have to have your life on hold and miserable for him.
Hurry up and get out!

[OntheWaves40]

Anxiety and depression do go hand in hand and it sounds like he’s really struggling with depression but it’s very hard if he can’t get help. You don’t have to stay, he either hid it well previously (like the smell) or he’s never had such a bad episode. Is there someone you can ask to help him? His parents? Sibling? Friend? Since you’ve had enough and are leaving.

[TheBigFatMermaid]

I suffer from anxiety, it doesn't turn me into an abusive twat. It does make it difficult to deal with my children arguing, so I tell them that. It does make some days so bad I can't face the world. It does not make me abuse my loved ones, it makes me tell them I am having a bad day and, because they love me, they protect me from the world.

This is abuse by another name/excuse!!