AIBU - Black Lives Matter

[Melandri]

Hi all,

This is a highly sensitive issue I know and I’m not looking for opinions on the topic or to spark any confrontation between people, I just need to know if you think I’m being unreasonable in the discussions I’ve had with my partner.

I am fairly well read on the current situation and firmly support Black Lives Matter. He isn’t and is adamant that “they’ve phrased it wrong” and is in the camp that believes it should be All Lives Matter.

I’ve asked him what he agrees with and what he doesn’t but he can’t really explain and he openly admits to not being informed on the situation but that it’s his opinion so he should be allowed it. On the one hand he says it is awful what happened and he thinks black lives are important but then he says “what about me? I’m not happy with my job. I’ve got hardships” and he doesn’t seem to get the point.

We’ve tried talking and I honestly hoped we could have a grown up chat but instead he raises his voice, gets worked up, and says he’s not interested.

He’s also the one to raise it as a topic of conversation, not me, I know we have differing views and having tried to talk previously I know it’s likely to end in an argument.

We fell out last night and now this morning we haven’t really spoken to each other. To me the issue between us is more than BLM, it’s a sign that we see the world very differently.

Am I being unreasonable for hoping we could talk about what’s going on in the world even if we see it from 2 different standpoints?
Would you be concerned about his reaction and attitudes to the current situation?

Thank you and I hope it’s ok to ask the question about how you’d handle differing views in a relationship.

To me the issue between us is more than BLM, it’s a sign that we see the world very differently.
This. I personally could never be with someone who thought like this.

If he is feeling hard done by maybe he should start his own "miserable white men who hate their jobs matter" movement. No movement, support group or charity can center everyone, they need to pick an issue and focus on it.

Thank you both for replying, I appreciate it.

I’m struggling with the fact that he doesn’t understand or doesn’t try to understand.

He says he fully agrees that black lives do matter, he thinks what happened in the US is tragic, but then he makes comments such as “should I protest about my job” and “they’ve phrased it wrong” and just really doesn’t seem to get it.

I’m not sure how to move forward with it or what I should do next. He’s very loving towards me, is open, funny, hard working, but his lack of awareness and willingness to stay uninformed is really troubling.

@SnuggyBuggy - we were posting at the same time but funnily enough that’s exactly what he thinks he should do.
“Should I protest about where I work? Should I protest that I’ve had hardships?”
No. You’re missing the point.

I even gave him the analogy that if you were to attend a charity event for breast cancer you don’t find people saying All Cancer Matters but still he doesn’t get it...

You say he keeps raising the topic. That suggests it is troubling him. I'd not argue just let him talk through what he feels. It could be that he is not really talking about BLM, he is trying to tell you he is seriously unhappy in his job.

Get him to watch 13th on Netflix. It explains extremely well the direct connection between slavery and the brutalisation of black people at the hands of the state.
If he doesn't get BLM by the end of that, there really is no hope.

the fact he's making it about him i don't understand - maybe he means that there are other terrible crimes that also matter - the 1 million Uighur people that have been held in prison without trial for example, also matter.

So because the issue doesn't revolve around him specifically he doesn't like it? Is he a very selfish / egotistical person? Incapable of empathy? Lacking in intelligence? If he genuinely can't see the difference between racism and not enjoying his job then, yes, I'd end it.

@bluejelly - thank you, that’s a really good suggestion. Wish I’d thought of that! You’re right, if he doesn’t understand after watching it then we really do have a problem.

@travellinginavacuum - I don’t get it either really but I feel confident in saying it isn’t about other crimes and atrocities. He wouldn’t have a clue about the Uighur people, he says openly that he doesn’t read and will stay uninformed...

Just don’t talk about it. Keep your views to yourself problem solved

Is your partner subject to verbal abuse because of the colour of his skin? Is he subject to harassment, violent arrest and potential death at the hand of the police for minor infractions or on the word of someone with the right colour skin? Is he routinely over looked for jobs and promotions without a reasonable cause?

I'm guessing not, and all the working class black people have the same problems he has on top of that.

All Lives Matter is a racist counter slogan that fails to recognise that Black Live Matter is just shorthand for Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic Lives Matter As Much As White Lives.

So, as far as I am concerned your partner is taking part in a racist counter-movement that seeks to undermine the legitimate calls for us to do much more to tackle systematic racism. I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

I think anyone unwilling to learn about anything beyond their own little life is always going to be a small unhappy person.

@SnuggyBuggy summed it up for me. I couldn't be with someone like this. At the least he is ignorant, at worse bigoted and neither of those are qualities I want in a partner.

I don't happen to agree with him but... taking the immediately emotive subject matter out of the reason.... Lots of people have different opinions about things. An awful lot of people have, scarily, almost no opinions about things. And even more people sit on the sidelines and pontificate about things whether or not they know what they are talking about. "Caring" about "politics" doesn't seem to be a big thing in a country were lots of people don't even bother to vote.

So my questions would be, why does he have to care; why isn't he allowed hiss own opinion; and why do you keep on pushing a discussion on him that he clearly doesn't want to have? If you have one issue that you don't agree about, that's pretty impressive. If the real issue is that you have nothing in common, then this isn't about BLM - it's about why on earth you stay in a relationship with someone you don't respect at all.

he says openly that he doesn’t read and will stay uninformed

How do you feel about this? I admit, I couldn't stay with someone like this.

Personally I couldn’t be with somebody who held this view point. It doesn’t sit right with me and goes to the fundamental core of my being. I’m rich and white and privileged but I would immediately finish the marriage over this. He is selfish and is not compassionate enough to get the reality of this. It goes without saying that all lives matter but it’s not appropriate to say that as a response to BLM. You say to him “you do not walk out of this house with the underlying fear and possibility that you might be arrested or murdered just because you are black” that’s why it has to be BLM and not ALM.

Print this off for him. Hoping it posts

@dreamingbohemian

he says openly that he doesn’t read and will stay uninformed

How do you feel about this? I admit, I couldn't stay with someone like this.

@dreamingbohemian beat me to it.

Also someone with that outlook is unlikely to change his attitude to anything. He doesn't want to know stuff, so he will equate your conversation with having to actually read and learn.

Oh and you don’t have to be with somebody who holds different viewpoints to you. It’s ok to end the relationship because the views that somebody holds disgust you. You don’t have to tolerate intolerance.

A lot of people have totally missed the point of BLM. It's not saying: "Black lives matter more than other lives", it means "Black lives matter as much as other lives". People saying "All lives matter" just dilutes the message, whether intentionally or not.

If you are both happy to disagree with respect then I think it's ok. If one of you has to 'win' then I think it's a different matter. You also should be able to view your opinion without fear of a blow up. If he keeps bringing it up perhaps steer the conversation away or shut it down in someway.

The analogy with working is incredibly short sighted. If he doesn't like his job or working, there are things HE can do about it. Institutionalised racism removes the power to have access to the full range of options available to others.

I don't think I could be with someone who doesn't read, is ill informed and has such different views and values to me on important subjects (like BLM).

Exactly saraclara if he's not willing to learn, he will never change.

Broke the silence on it this morning and he’s flown off the handle and told me to fuck off.

I’m devastated.