No intimacy or passion....for 6 years!

[Confused15551987]

Sorry I'm a new member so posting here as it wouldnt let me post in the 'sex' thread....I am hoping to get some advice or talk to some people in a similar situation to me....

So basically I have been with my OH for 12 years and we got married last summer. We live a nice life, we both have good jobs, we share similar interests and spend lots of time together generally. But we haven't had sex for 6 years....! I will go back a few years to give some background...when we first met our relationship was passionate and we regularly had sex (although I would often initiate it) and I remember even back then thinking my sex drive was higher than his. We moved in together after 1 year of meeting and it was from that point that our sex live started to deteriorate. We went from having sex once a week, to once a month, to a couple of times a year, to nothing at all. I cant pinpoint anything that happened back then that could have triggered this to happen. I used to try to talk to him about it, I would get upset and cry myself to sleep because he just didnt seem interested in me but I would say for the past 4 years I have pretty much given up asking. We got married because it felt like the right thing to do after being together for so long in my opinion. We didnt talk about our lack of intimacy before getting married, we didnt have sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon. I am embarrassed writing that!

We are both young and both want to start a family. I am on the verge of leaving because he isnt willing to open up and talk about our issues. He keeps saying 'we just need to have sex' but then nothing changes. If I am being completely honest with myself, I think I have lost all enthusiasm too. I feel like giving up and just accepting that we are only friends.

Is there anyone else who has experienced anything like this and who might be able to give some advice or just to talk to me? I dont feel like this is something I can share with my friends....I am genuinely embarrassed!

Thank you in advance x

Dont be embarrassed op. Its not your fault. You have tried to talk about it. It doesn't seem normal though not to have sex on your wedding night or honeymoon esp as you are young. What does he say when you bring it up?

To be honest I very rarely bring it up anymore! He used to come up with an excuse...tired, busy at work, eaten too much dinner (I know, ridiculous) or he would blame it on me not putting in the effort. To be honest, we dont even kiss or cuddle anymore. I would say it's got worse since we got married. I think its probably the pressure of both wanting children but knowing we havent had sex for 6 years. I am at the point now where I feel completely emotionally detached from him and I suspect he is probably feeling the same way.

6 years! That would be ok if you were both happy with a sexless relationship but you’re not. I think you should get out and find somebody who desires you. You can still be good friends with him. It sounds like you have a good friendship and that’s it.

Hi op, so im in the exact same situation except we've been married 12 years. I have no advice for you because ive done nothing about it, like you I just gave up...many,many years ago. Do you want to be like me? It's a lonely place to be and it does nothing for your self esteem. It's difficult because we get on fantasticly well and I know I've settled for that rather than risking having no-one.

Hi op, I have been with my dp for 12 years too, have a 9yr old dd together and I have an older teen from a previous relationship.

We haven’t had sex for over a year. I ended things at the end of last year because I was talking to someone on Twitter that I met totally accidentally and he asked me out and I had been honest about my situation from the start. What followed was a few months of feeling very much wanted and desired, both men exactly the same age(43) and couldn’t be more different.

I ended things because he was hard work and wanted too much too soon and am still stuck here miserable. He sleeps downstairs so he doesn’t have to come to bed, is miserable and I’m verging on hating him which upsets me as he is such a good person regardless of his lack of sex drive.

What I will say though is that eventually you will feel massive resentment, that leads to either hate, indifference and a million other negative emotions.

In order to start a family he knows you need to have sex. Have you had that conversation?

Sadly, I know some of my friends are in a similar situation too. It is not normal. It is not nice and my self esteem is very low.

I am suffering with MH issues and a chronic illness. I pray that we can end things properly and be civil. He has nowhere else to go and that makes me feel responsible for him. Please don’t waste the best years of your life.

I've recently separated from a 20+ year marriage, which was completely sexless for 12 years. It has destroyed my confidence, and it's harder to leave after children arrive. I realised that I didnt wat to live a sexless life forever. Originally I thought things could change that he could change, but that wasn't the case. We remain good friends.
It's up to you, but if you wish to find a relationship in which you feel desirable and fulfilled, dont wait.

Thank you for your comments, it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone although of course it's awful that others find themselves in the same position!
@Zoflorabore yes I have tried to have that conversation with him however its met with the same blunt response...usually something along the line of 'yeah I know, we just need to do it' and then he changes the subject.

He is now sleeping in the spare room and if I'm honest I'm not really bothered. At the moment it would feel like sharing a bed with a friend or housemate who I'm really frustrated with!

He has never been the sort of man who holds my hand, tells me I look beautiful, cuddles me on the sofa etc. I had kind of accepted that was him a long time ago but now ita effecting me more than I could ever have imagined. I never knew a man could have such a low sex drive!!

The one thing I am very much aware of is that this is a 2-way relationship and I need to put in the effort but whenever I have I get knocked back, so I can definitely relate to those of you who have low self esteem!

Thank you again x

I'm so sorry. This is not a marriage. This is a houseshare between friends. You just need to end it and move on. How old are you?

I'm so sad reading it, but also incredulous you got married after not having sex for 5 years. I mean it must have already been living with a friend and not your lover.

Clearly he deserves a chance to rectify things together, but in reality a bloke who doesn't want sex all those years is not going to change. I would end it now as a lifetime like this is miserable

@DorisLessingsCat I am 32, he is 40

32!!! It would be bad at 62! Why on earth did you get married? You’ve been with him pretty much all your adult life! You are allowed to end relationships you know.

“I'm so sorry. This is not a marriage. This is a houseshare between friends. You just need to end it and move on. How old are you?”

This. I also think you need to scrap this relationship and start again with someone else. It started going wrong years before you got married and your DH is paying lip service to sorting this out. I think you may be worrying too much about what other people think rather than what’s right for you: you got married despite the fact that sex had stopped happening years before because it seemed like the right thing to do and you’re also saying you can’t talk too friends because you’re too embarrassed. If you’ve been together 12 years and are still young, it sounds like you got together in your teens. Passionate and intense as they may be, it is rare for teen relationships to stay the course for life. There is no shame in realising this has run its course and you need to move on. It would be a terrible shame, however, if you were to spend decades in a sexless marriage.

Get an annulment and move on. Stay friends if you like, but there's so much more to life, it's time you discovered that!

This has been a total waste of your time. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you are 32 and haven't had sex since you were 26!

Marrying was insane, I don't know what you were thinking. Did you think they'd lace the cake with Viagra??!

But what's done is done. But now it needs to be undone pronto. Don't waste more of your life.

By the sounds of it he wouldn't even care that much if you were to split. You're just his pal.

When I did divorce years ago saw several late 20s women who had been with the man forever seeking divorce within a year of marriage. Think some people reach split or marry choose marry thinking it will fix things...

OP, separate now before you have children. Having children makes it much harder to leave. Then the bitterness and resentment will fester and your poor children will be able to pick up on the terrible atmosphere at home. You are wasting your life. It is better to be alone than to settle in a loveless, sexless marriage.

I had a low sex drive in my 20s thanks to the pill. But I still wanted it a few times a month.

You’ve got no kids op. Get out of this house share and move on life is too short x

I don’t mean to stereo type here, (all men that don’t want sex must gay type thing) but is there a possibility he could be gay? It’s a long time to have no sex and not desire it at all! Are his parents homophobic or religious? Xxx

If you could resolve this situation, would it be a good relationship? Is it worth investing somme time and money into some relationship counselling/sex therapy? If he's agreeing that he wants to start a family, it may be that there's some mental/emotional block that he needs to get past to do that.

When you both got married, how did you think you were going to have children when you hadn’t had sex for five years at that stage?

I’m sorry but that sounds like such an obvious thing to have sorted out when you both want a family.

This isn't a marriage.

No, really. Non-consummation means it's voidable.

Get an annulment and start again. You have a housemate who married you out of... well I don't know. Not obligation but just cos it was about time?

You will never have children if you can't even have sex. You need someone who not only loves you but finds you sexually attentive too. At 32 there's plenty of time left but I wouldn't hang around too long.

Lots of people get married or have children thinking that it will help their relationship. You've discovered that marriage didn't fix the issues between you. Please don't add children into the mix.

If you can't talk with friends, can you find a counsellor to see on your own?

Just to reiterate what a lot of previous posters have said , not having sex for the last six years and very sporadic sex in the previous years is untenable. I think if your husband was going to do anything to correct this , it would be done by now , or even explained properly!

Is an annulment a possibility? Seeing as you never consummated the marriage? Does anyone know about that or is that just a myth?

Are you in England or Wales , infoud this.bit says you can apply for an annulment years after the marriage but you have to explain it.

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

Why the hell did you marry him! It won't get better. You need to accept that or leave.