No intimacy or passion....for 6 years!

[Confused15551987]

Sorry I'm a new member so posting here as it wouldnt let me post in the 'sex' thread....I am hoping to get some advice or talk to some people in a similar situation to me....

So basically I have been with my OH for 12 years and we got married last summer. We live a nice life, we both have good jobs, we share similar interests and spend lots of time together generally. But we haven't had sex for 6 years....! I will go back a few years to give some background...when we first met our relationship was passionate and we regularly had sex (although I would often initiate it) and I remember even back then thinking my sex drive was higher than his. We moved in together after 1 year of meeting and it was from that point that our sex live started to deteriorate. We went from having sex once a week, to once a month, to a couple of times a year, to nothing at all. I cant pinpoint anything that happened back then that could have triggered this to happen. I used to try to talk to him about it, I would get upset and cry myself to sleep because he just didnt seem interested in me but I would say for the past 4 years I have pretty much given up asking. We got married because it felt like the right thing to do after being together for so long in my opinion. We didnt talk about our lack of intimacy before getting married, we didnt have sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon. I am embarrassed writing that!

We are both young and both want to start a family. I am on the verge of leaving because he isnt willing to open up and talk about our issues. He keeps saying 'we just need to have sex' but then nothing changes. If I am being completely honest with myself, I think I have lost all enthusiasm too. I feel like giving up and just accepting that we are only friends.

Is there anyone else who has experienced anything like this and who might be able to give some advice or just to talk to me? I dont feel like this is something I can share with my friends....I am genuinely embarrassed!

Thank you in advance x

You really need to get out. Why have children with someone so detached and cold. Children are the biggest tie and the worst way to be financially independent. You just need to cut your losses and move on. 6 years and nothing sorted means nothing will be.

@Confused15551987 Well done for making the leap, it was one month today for me, (well 5 since the initial break up but CV delayed moving out) I’m still feeling sad it didn’t work out, but have decided that I definitely did the right thing, and have started to consider asking for a divorce, though I am dreading that conversation.
Even if this isn’t the end for the two of you, you needed to have a massive shake up and you’ve done the hardest part already but I’d strongly advise against going back unless you’re confident you can have the relationship you both deserve long term, personally I can’t see a way back so I’m done and I’m feeling relatively good about it now.

@Stuckfornow what is the background to your situation? Do you have children and how long were you together for? Well done for making the leap too, I know how you feel, its certainly not easy but sometimes we have to learn to put ourselves first!

A question for those of you who have been in a similar situation to me....have any of you tried counselling/sex therapy and if so did it work? I haven't moved back in with my OH but I'm wondering whether we should have tried therapy...although I don't know whether he will be willing to try it!! Thanks x

You have done the right thing. It is absolutely not normal for a man not to want sex. Men have a physical need to ejaculate regularly, if they resist the desire to do this it will eventually result in sexualised dreams and, ahem, damp sheets. But resisting the desire is very difficult. I'm 61 but even now I would struggle to go more than a week without. If your DH does not feel these desires then he has a serious problem. And if he is satisfying them without you, and I guess that is the case, then you have a serious problem.

Six years without sex is proof beyond any possible doubt that this relationship has no future. You have made a brave and correct decision to move out. Don't look back, there are better men out there.

Yeah i know sex can become less frequent when you’re tired, stressed, have kids but six years is just crazy I don’t know how you put up with it that long.

(I do find having too much dinner puts me off though!)

I didnt just put up with it for a long time, I'd say for about 2 years I tried everything except suggesting counselling but nothing seemed to work. He said we needed to change but then nothing happened. On our honeymoon it was awkward because we knew we 'should' be at it like rabbits but neither of us knew how to instigate it after 5 years of no sex. I'm not saying it's his fault, I know it takes 2!! I've actually now suggested counselling but think he's just pissed off with me for leaving so currently says he doesnt want to try it. I know many of you will say I'm crazy for staying for so long, but I still love him and miss everything else about our relationship.

I know this is an old thread of mine, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted encouraging messages and made me feel slightly more stable in my decision to leave my sexless marriage. I have come back to this thread numerous time since I left him in an attempt to feel less miserable about life and to try to remind myself that I have done the right thing! I still have really good and really bad days. I miss him terribly as a person and companion and there are way too many things that remind me of the good times we had. Today is a bad day, hence why I have logged back on to read some of the messages. I regularly wonder when I will actually feel like I have truly made the right decision and won't feel like I need reassurance from strangers...perhaps never and perhaps this will always hang over me like a black cloud. I know it won't be forever deep down, but at the moment it's so tough! Anyway, thanks again to you all, the mums net community really is amazing!

Ahhh OP. It sounds like an untenable situation, I’m not surprised you walked, sounds entirely justified to me.

'' He has never been the sort of man who holds my hand, tells me I look beautiful, cuddles me on the sofa etc. I had kind of accepted that was him a long time ago but now ita effecting me more than I could ever have imagined. I never knew a man could have such a low sex drive!!''

I'm so sorry. I lived through this too. What stuck out to me in your posts is this. It's not just about the sex, it's about the lack of anything, of any intimacy and touch and specialness. I could have written the above. You don't realise how much someone has destroyed your confidence until you're out of it. You accept him for who he is and dampen your own needs and desires, the years go by and the bar gets lower, expectations get lower.

Like you, when I look back and think, I have calmly, lovingly tried to discuss it with him many many times, he'd seen me completely and utterly distressed and at my lowest, crying and upset and still he DID NOTHING. No actions. He'd say exactly the same 'we just need to do it' or fob me off with 'we will soon'. How can you love someone and see them so upset and do nothing??? No solutions, no actions. I left and he has now decided he regrets it and now 'knows what he needs to do'. I can't think of anything more mechanical. No thanks. And I still love him, but I realise, as a friend. He's your friend and he has been for a long time. Some would say stay and work at it but I would say, throw the towel in and don't delay. Why should you have to wait around for someone to begrudgingly catch up and give you the basics of a partnership? Children will make things worse. You deserve kisses, touch, sofa cuddles, hand holding, compliments, spontaneity, passion! You will never get it from him.

Leave and reassess what you deserve and what your minimum requirements are for what you need out of a relationship. Relearn how to put your needs first. And again I am so sorry, I know it's so hard, especially when that person isn't terrible, they are your friend, you still love and care for them. But if you were honest with yourself I bet even you aren't in love with him anymore.

Oh gosh OP I didn't see your last post or that it was an old thread. I feel exactly the same. The guilt and missing the person who is your friend is sometimes all consuming and harder than you could ever have imagined, but it will always be worth it. You will find what you need and deserve and one day we won't feel as bad. I have to remind myself, I can't feel guilty for the result of someone else's lack of passion for me. Keep going x

I haven't read the rest of the replies. I just want to say. Been there, done that. It's a kind of Lobster in the pot torture.

Listen. This will not change. He is avoiding talking to you because he DOES know the truth. After years of no sex, dissembling, putting up with, me constructing complex analysis as to why it wasn't happening. My long term partner finally told me he had lost attraction to me years ago.

I think there was more complex stuff actually involved as well - but nothing I could solve.

You cannot solve sexual stuff like this - you can't - and yours is entrenched. I'm speaking from the hard edge of experience here.

Further more if he really cared about YOU as a person and not just a convenience and a trap he would want to solve it. He doesn't - he hands you the odd platitude and goes on. Rinse and repeat.

When I look back and I think of myself crying into my pillow - I think how could I have stayed with someone who didn't care? because he knew I was crying into my pillow - as does your husband. See the truth. It's tough, but through pain will come freedom. I wish I had woken up and smelled the coffee - instead I wasted another 6/7 years of my precious life (now 59)

Get out.

Oh - you left!!!

I should have read on! Forgive me.

I know it is tough. But you need to imagine the misery you would be feeling if you had stayed and let the situation continue. As for the missing him thing - well that is always partly as illusion. I get that still after 3.5 years. But I just wish I had left sooner. You did. Well done.

@LumpyPillow thank you so much for your post, that was exactly what I needed to read today. I can relate so closely to everything you said! I know its an awful thing to say, but I wish sometimes that I could hate him, that he had done something really awful, or wasnt a nice guy but I can`t. I still love him, but like you, I am coming to terms with the fact that I only love him as a friend. I miss our old life together, in terms of the lovely things we did together, the holidays, the weekends spent together, his family....but I realise now that we did all of those things as friends and not as a couple. I want and need more than that. I spent a long time wishing he would hold my hand or give me a cuddle but then I realised that was never going to happen so I gave up wishing.

You are also 100% right about destroying my confidence. I have absolutely zero confidence now. I don`t think I was ever a particularly confident girl, but staying with him for 12 years with not an ounce of affection, compliments, love or cuddles has definitely left me feeling pretty hollow!!

Thank you again, and sorry that you have gone through something like I have. I appreciate things could be worse, and I am sure I will end up in a much happier place, but right now it`s really tough!

I'm glad you left, you have a lot of grieving to do so I'm not surprised you are still having bad days.

If you never consummated your marriage you could apply to have it annulled?

If everything else is fine with you too i think i would try to give it one more shot and power through for a while. Schedule sex for every second day for a month or so, no excuses.
Maybe try to talk to him about it again and when he says "yea we should just do it" then say "alright, lets come up with a plan/schedule for that and stick to it!"
If you properly schedule it and he still pulls out, i think you have to consider ending the relationship since you are clearly unhappy like this.
I have a friend who kick started her sex life like this after a few years of barely any intimacy and she said it worked wonders. They still have to stay on top of it and when it starts to fizzle out again they usually do a week of daily scheduled sex, which starts things up again. Its not the most romantic thing, but it did wonders for her marriage and they are much more happy now.

“I'm glad you left, you have a lot of grieving to do so I'm not surprised you are still having bad days.”

This. You did absolutely the right thing to leave but it’s bound to hurt. You were with him for 12 years from the age of 20. Leaving was the right thing to do but it was also a very brave thing to do. Naturally you’re going to grieve for the loss of the good bits of the relationship even though it was not right for a marriage. In the context of a 12 year relationship, it’s still relatively early days. But I just want to repeat – you have done the right thing, OP, and you will reap the fruits of your brave decision in the years to come, I’m sure of that.

Really sorry but after 6 years I don’t think you can fix this. You said your only young is this how you want to spend your life. You are in a friendship not a marriage Life is short

What happened since you left? Did he suggest you try to work it out?

I think you did the right thing, for what it's worth. When you're ready, you'll meet someone and have great intimacy and sex. You will wonder why on earth you went without for so long!

I am in the same situation as you OP. Been married for 6 years and have been intimate only once a year for the past 5 years. DP has been wanting to have children...I have kept putting it off as I was hoping the relationship would improve. Now I am 35 years old and have had severe depression for the last couple of years due to the state of the marriage. I have put on 20 kgs and made myself overweight and unhealthy eating my feelings. The lack of intimacy has lead to the decline of my physical and MH.

I wish I would have left two years into the relationship when I was in my early 30's but my DP convinced me otherwise. I want to have children and now feel my best chance is with my DP as I don't see how I could get out of the marriage, heal and find someone else ( Do not want to be a single mom) So I keep hoping and working on the relationship.

But then I remember the months of laying on my side of the bed crying myself to sleep because I felt so lonely and ugly ( why else would my husband not want to touch me?) being touch starved, the erosion of self esteem and self respect.

It's just not worth it. Please leave. I wish I could do and I would if the circumstances were different. You can do it... Just leave.

This was me too OP. Barely any sex life, got married, no sex on wedding night or honeymoon. We did end up having children, just about as sex was very sporadic, then he moved out of the bed when I was pregnant for various reasons and never came back. 10 years later we split up.

If I'm honest, and I never told him this as it would have upset him, I lost my sexual attraction to him long before we split. He also had a fetish, whilst harmless, was a huge turnoff and he ignored my increasing dislike of it. Sex was never that great anyway, always the same thing, he never had any ideas or wanted to try anything else and I don't remember him initiating much so when I stopped, it hardly happened then not at all when he left the bed. After 10 years he thought he could fix it by suddenly coming back to bed but far too little too late. I made it clear initially how I hated the fact he didn't sleep in our bed but he had various reasons, which seemed valid but now I'm not so sure.

I've never regretted leaving for a second and I now have a fulfilling sex life where I realised what I'd been missing all that time.

It won't get better OP. If he wanted to do something about it, he would have done. My DP went through this with his ex and he tried everything to get things going/get her interested but she also didn't do anything and he gave up 3 years later he left too as it's soul destroying.

This was me too OP. Barely any sex life, got married, no sex on wedding night or honeymoon. We did end up having children, just about as sex was very sporadic, then he moved out of the bed when I was pregnant for various reasons and never came back. 10 years later we split up.

If I'm honest, and I never told him this as it would have upset him, I lost my sexual attraction to him long before we split. He also had a fetish, whilst harmless, was a huge turnoff and he ignored my increasing dislike of it. Sex was never that great anyway, always the same thing, he never had any ideas or wanted to try anything else and I don't remember him initiating much so when I stopped, it hardly happened then not at all when he left the bed. After 10 years he thought he could fix it by suddenly coming back to bed but far too little too late. I made it clear initially how I hated the fact he didn't sleep in our bed but he had various reasons, which seemed valid but now I'm not so sure.

I've never regretted leaving for a second and I now have a fulfilling sex life where I realised what I'd been missing all that time.

It won't get better OP. If he wanted to do something about it, he would have done. My DP went through this with his ex and he tried everything to get things going/get her interested but she also didn't do anything and he gave up 3 years later he left too as it's soul destroying.

Just read your updates... Happy you got out. It's going to be tough but it was the right thing to do.

Just read your updates... Happy you got out. It's going to be tough but it was the right thing to do.

I was told this on here and i lived to experience it’s the truth- it doesnt get better. He might have porn addiction. 6 years is a clear indication this is what you will have for the rest of your time with him.
You’re young so make up your mind, i can tell you from experience, after 6 years you will not go back to being intimate, it’s dead end.