No intimacy or passion....for 6 years!

[Confused15551987]

Sorry I'm a new member so posting here as it wouldnt let me post in the 'sex' thread....I am hoping to get some advice or talk to some people in a similar situation to me....

So basically I have been with my OH for 12 years and we got married last summer. We live a nice life, we both have good jobs, we share similar interests and spend lots of time together generally. But we haven't had sex for 6 years....! I will go back a few years to give some background...when we first met our relationship was passionate and we regularly had sex (although I would often initiate it) and I remember even back then thinking my sex drive was higher than his. We moved in together after 1 year of meeting and it was from that point that our sex live started to deteriorate. We went from having sex once a week, to once a month, to a couple of times a year, to nothing at all. I cant pinpoint anything that happened back then that could have triggered this to happen. I used to try to talk to him about it, I would get upset and cry myself to sleep because he just didnt seem interested in me but I would say for the past 4 years I have pretty much given up asking. We got married because it felt like the right thing to do after being together for so long in my opinion. We didnt talk about our lack of intimacy before getting married, we didnt have sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon. I am embarrassed writing that!

We are both young and both want to start a family. I am on the verge of leaving because he isnt willing to open up and talk about our issues. He keeps saying 'we just need to have sex' but then nothing changes. If I am being completely honest with myself, I think I have lost all enthusiasm too. I feel like giving up and just accepting that we are only friends.

Is there anyone else who has experienced anything like this and who might be able to give some advice or just to talk to me? I dont feel like this is something I can share with my friends....I am genuinely embarrassed!

Thank you in advance x

OP its sad but I think you need to consider your options. You need passion in your life and fun and raunchy sex. It sounds like all of that is in the past with him. He may be a nice friend but hells bells - there there is more to life than that.

OmG, I am shocked reading these....

I'm a single parent but have amazing sex with my man....

God gave you the gift of your body and the sexual desire for your pleasure.

If one doesn't do it for you, find another.

OP it won't get better. Just give up on him. I separated from my husband of 12 years a few months ago - we went from being happy together with sex now and then, to very little sex, to no sex at all. I put up with it for years because of not wanting to rock the boat and disrupt DD. But eventually the lack of physical closeness lead to emotional distance and dislike/disdain.

Over the past couple of years I began to realise I was happier and felt more like myself when he was working away. We didn't argue but felt more like housemates. When I discovered he was having an affair I was actually relieved because it felt like a 'get out of jail free' card - a more socially acceptable reason to end a marriage and dismantle a family. He isn't really interested in having much sex with his mistress - he actually said this! I think it's mostly ego boosting because she gushes about how much she loves him and sends him romantic gifts etc. I actually feel sorry for her, because when the first flush of romance fades she might realise she's got herself a dud, and she seems like a lovely person who had no idea he was still 'together' with me.

Now we live separately and can be friends and co-parent nicely. Sometimes I feel sad, but I only miss how things used to be and the man he was - not how things were and the man he became. So, the future doesn't look like I expected it to any more, but that's okay. I can make a new future for myself, I have new options now - like perhaps fostering when DD leaves for Uni in so many years, which would never have happened with DH in the picture - too emotionally stunted! I'm not interested in looking for another man at the moment, but I'd never say never. My DM met my wonderful and much missed step-dad after 12 years of deliberately staying single post-divorce. Her years with him were the happiest of her life (he died in January) so I know how successful later, second marriages can be.

Chin up OP - you're worth more than this. You deserve better and you're still young. Life has so much to offer you and your future really can be anything you want to make it - but not with this man. It's okay to end the marriage. It's okay to feel sad and have doubts. But it's not okay to stay in an unhappy situation - you are responsible for your own future.

I haven't been on MN for a while, but just dipped into this tonight, and this is just what I needed to read - it doesn't get any better- Here I am avoiding my husband and finding things to do around the house, rather than face facts. I am wasting my life. I can't spend the rest of it avoiding. I need a good kick up the bum. Good luck to all of you in the same boat X

@Confused15551987
Sorry, I totally missed the tag. Don’t know if you’re still reading this thread but just wanted to say well done for making the break. I promise it gets better. I’ve been dating a lovely guy for a couple of months and the difference in the way I feel about myself is incredible.
Our situation was slightly different in as much as the problem was definitely his, he put on a lot of weight, hated his job, complained about everything incessantly and was a completely different person to the man I fell in love with. I believe he was depressed, but he just wouldn’t do anything to change his situation and after years of trying I realised there was nothing I could do to help him if he wouldn’t help himself. In hindsight I should never have married him but I believed it would get better. Like you we had the awfully awkward honeymoon...we actually married in Mauritius and spent two weeks in an amazing resort where we should have been all over each other. Pretty much zero sexual contact for the duration. No children thankfully. We are still amicable but have limited contact, just checking in every so often really.
Hope you’re doing ok!

@WakingUp55643 please always remember you are not alone! I hope you are ok. I regularly log on to MN to remind myself I'm not alone too, and to generally give myself a slap on the wrist when I am feeling weak and like I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am really missing his company today and the life we built together, but logging on here has reminded me of what was missing and what would have never changed! I know I didnt make a mistake leaving, because I know I deserve more. And so does he. Whatever the reasons were as to why it didnt work for us, we both deserve something better! X

@WakingUp55643please always remember you are not alone! I hope you are ok. I regularly log on to MN to remind myself I'm not alone too, and to generally give myself a slap on the wrist when I am feeling weak and like I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I am really missing his company today and the life we built together, but logging on here has reminded me of what was missing and what would have never changed! I know I didnt make a mistake leaving, because I know I deserve more. And so does he. Whatever the reasons were as to why it didnt work for us, we both deserve something better! X

Leave him and definitely don't have children with him because it will be a million times harder to leave once you have a child. Really do consider leaving if you are not happy. Wish I could go back in time and tell this to myself! Good luck.

@Fancycrackers

Leave him and definitely don't have children with him because it will be a million times harder to leave once you have a child. Really do consider leaving if you are not happy. Wish I could go back in time and tell this to myself! Good luck.

Read the thread.

If you had already had children and you were both completely happy living like this then I guess it would be ok. But with no children involved and you clearly not happy, you should really end it. It will only get worse. Definitely do not have children with him!!

This isn’t The right relationship for you. You are going to end up resentful and bitter. I’d cut your losses now,and find somebody who wants more than friendship

This is a huge and growing social problem for women, not for men. How many of these guys are closet gays or bi where they don't want to acknowledge these tendencies even to themselves is anyone's guess. A search into their porn habit may be very revealing.

The flip side is that this easy access to porn has created a generation of men who can get off through masturbation and many of them are put off by having to please a partner and so they would rather go without real intimacy.

It has a devastating impact on their partners, and no, in the majority of cases sex therapy will not work.

This is because men can and do get performance anxiety and so it is often easier that they just get off by themselves.

This is not ever something they would want to discuss.

I would say it's a tsunami of a social problem for women also because porn distorts and numbs so that a man might end up only being able to get off on really extreme stuff which he would be too embarrassed to talk about in real life.

Some men are just simply selfish and don't want to satisfy a partner and have no interest to due to work/ DC/ pressure from partners. Bringing it up will makes it worse as he will feel embarrassed and humiliated even though he might tell you what you want to hear as a way of not wanting to hurt you.

Unless you like the status quo then stay. If this is your life before DC then the resentment will eat you up so is best to leave.

Good luck everyone in this boat. But don't think finding a new partner will mean the problem won't happen again.

From what I understand it might do so best to crack on and have the DC you want if you do find someone new early on!

@Smudgingpastels thank you for your interesting take on things. I had considered in the past whether he might be gay/have a porn addiction. I had occasionally searched for evidence of porn and only once or twice found something in his browser history....it didn't really surprise me to be honest.
Back when I actually cared about why he didn't appear to want a sex life or any intimacy with me, I remember asking him whether he masterbated/watched porn which he obviously denied. In some ways I would have preferred it if he had said yes, because then I would have felt like there was a reason why he didn't want me! Anyway, thanks again for the response, let's just hope you're wrong about it happening again :)