No intimacy or passion....for 6 years!

[Confused15551987]

Sorry I'm a new member so posting here as it wouldnt let me post in the 'sex' thread....I am hoping to get some advice or talk to some people in a similar situation to me....

So basically I have been with my OH for 12 years and we got married last summer. We live a nice life, we both have good jobs, we share similar interests and spend lots of time together generally. But we haven't had sex for 6 years....! I will go back a few years to give some background...when we first met our relationship was passionate and we regularly had sex (although I would often initiate it) and I remember even back then thinking my sex drive was higher than his. We moved in together after 1 year of meeting and it was from that point that our sex live started to deteriorate. We went from having sex once a week, to once a month, to a couple of times a year, to nothing at all. I cant pinpoint anything that happened back then that could have triggered this to happen. I used to try to talk to him about it, I would get upset and cry myself to sleep because he just didnt seem interested in me but I would say for the past 4 years I have pretty much given up asking. We got married because it felt like the right thing to do after being together for so long in my opinion. We didnt talk about our lack of intimacy before getting married, we didnt have sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon. I am embarrassed writing that!

We are both young and both want to start a family. I am on the verge of leaving because he isnt willing to open up and talk about our issues. He keeps saying 'we just need to have sex' but then nothing changes. If I am being completely honest with myself, I think I have lost all enthusiasm too. I feel like giving up and just accepting that we are only friends.

Is there anyone else who has experienced anything like this and who might be able to give some advice or just to talk to me? I dont feel like this is something I can share with my friends....I am genuinely embarrassed!

Thank you in advance x

I would honestly leave, having been in a relationship like that, it honestly won't get better. It has now probably gone past the point of recovery, you are friends and not lovers. Yes it's embarrassing to be splitting up after so recently getting married but if you don't you run a very, very real risk of still being in this situation in 5 years and no children in sight.

I think, while tempting, leaving him probably doesn’t meet your objectives right now. You both want a family, you love him, you just need him to give you intimacy as part of your relationship. You also deserve answers, because this must be damaging to your self esteem.

I think you should tell him that your self esteem is hurting, that you want a family, and I’m order to achieve that, you need to understand why he will not have sex or show romantic interest in you. You plan to go to counselling, and he comes. You give him the time, date and place and he makes himself available. If he doesn’t, that is informative and you can leave him knowing you tried.

Having a low sex drive is one thing, but not pursuing other forms of intimacy that make you feel wanted isn’t reasonable.

It is absolutely not normal for a man not to want sex at 40, if he has no desire at that age then there is probably a medical or psychological problem. But if he doesn't want to engage with it then as others have said your position is hopeless, time to move on. An LTR is much more likely to endure if partners are sexually compatible. You are clearly not.

Oh how crap for you I don’t understand why you married but I would get a annulment ASAP he hasn’t desired you once how are you expecting to have kids go with your gut and leave like others say it won’t get better and if he isn’t doing anything to get it started he doesn’t want it. Most men cheat because they’re not getting any or enough you will definitely start to resent and being trapped with kids won’t help you get someone who deserves you and get the passion you need and desire just tell him your applying for annulment and you want to be wanted and he cannot give you this or even try to pretend good luck.

Please go now. I know that's harsh but I should have got out pre children and while they're amazing I wish I'd gone earlier. It took my now ex dh 3 months to deign to sleep with me after our wedding day and then once we'd had kids he didn't touch me agsin after the second baby was conceived. I left when he was 8! I'm so screwed up in the head now that I actually need therapy as it is classed as abuse. My new dp is amazing but is having to pick up the pieces as my self esteem is shot. Please, just leave now xx

Thank you again to you all for your comments and advice! To those of you who are asking why I married him, your guess is as good as mine! Comfort I suspect, and fear of being alone. We've been together since I was 20 so it's a big step to leave....

Sweetheart I am you, except we have 2 young kids so it's harder for me to leave.

Please, please, please leave him. Find someone else who will give you what you deserve. I feel like I am trapped, but you are not. You can start again.
We hardly had sex once we moved in together, decided we wanted a child as we're still happy back then. It only took 3 attempts then no more sex. A couple of years later we had sex again once, and i got pregnant again with our second child. Since then, no sex! She is 6 now! We sleep in seperate rooms. You do not want this for yourself, i promise you.
We got married, small registry office, not for love, but because I wanted the same name as my children and also I think I was kidding myself it would make everything better. We also did not have sex on our wedding night. We've been married 5 years. Not had sex for 6 years. I'm so embarrassed. Please don't be like me

You could look on the bright side: After you have children you'd probably never have sex again anyway, so at least this way you're both used to it and it won't be a surprise.

But there is the small matter of conception...

I could have written your op, together 10 years, married for almost 5, we had a great sex life for the first 3 years, then we got engaged and moved in together and it slowed up a bit, no sex on the wedding/honeymoon, thought it was a blip that would get better, probably slept together 10-15 times in the first 8 months, sexless/no physical contact since April 2016, I moved out 3 weeks ago after initiating numerous awkward conversations and him promising we’d fix it. He’d occasionally say things like ‘when we have a child’ and I’d wonder when I turned into the Virgin Mary. Honestly, I don’t regret it at all. I’d gotten to the stage where actually the idea of having to kiss him made me feel a bit ‘ick’. Worried I may not ever get to have kids now (I’m 5 years older than you) but that’s preferable to being stuck where I was.

I really feel for you OP. Please know you are not alone. I was in the exact same situation as you but my ex was very tactile, which in some ways made it more confusing. I actually did the same as you and came to mumsnet for advice and although some of the opinions were difficult to read, it opened my eyes to the fact it was a very damaging & dysfunctional relationship to be in. I ended up leaving my ex before we got married and whilst I won't pretend it hasn't been awful, ironically I have more chance of having the family I want being single than I did with him. I think deep down in your heart you know you need to leave but you're scared, which is completely understandable. Please be kind to yourself & think about the fact you deserve so much more than this. Just like my ex, he is making no effort to fix the issue & wasting your time. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't do that. The family you want is extremely unlikely to happen if you stay in this situation. Love yourself enough to leave it.

Hmmm..it seems like a glorified friendship
Are you less involved sexually because there have been changes in your bodies? Has anyone let themselves go? It could be that you just need to have sex and break this spell/curse..it's gone on too long. So.much time has passed. It's almost easier not to have sex at this point. Talk to him and see if things change....initiate sex...Try marital counselling if things don't improve.

I think you guys are in a very unhealthy pattern, but if you truly truly love him, try another few months. You've got to let him know what's on the line: you leaving. You've got to both make this work...but I think the passion is gone, but can be reignited....You've had too long of a relationship without making big moves.

You were together too long before marriage and lost your mojo long before. This happens when drifting. So.make the conscious effort to stop drifting, together.

If he's unmotivated: leave.

He'll have many more chances to have babies. You, as a woman with limited fertility will not.

Get those eggs fertilized before it's too late.

Thank you to each and every one of your for your supportive messages. So I actually plucked up the courage to move out and into my parents temporarily on Thursday last week. To start with I felt empowered and strong but now I'm wondering whether I've made a huge mistake. I am confused and feel lost. I dont know if I miss him, miss his company or just miss the life we had. We were together since I was 20 so I know he has even a part of my life for pretty much my whole adult life. What hurts a lot is that he didn't even fight for me to stay, he was obviously annoyed I was going but didnt say anything which made me feel like I shouldn't go. I dont really know what I expected him to say, he has always been a man of few words and even fewer emotions.
Again I thank you all for your support and I just hope this gets easier. I don't necessarily think staying was the right thing to do but at the moment I dont know whether going was either.

He didnt fight for you - you definitely did the right thing. It's completely normal to feel lousy about it, it's a big step but don't let that shake you. The next part is about healing and finding normality. Surround yourself with people who love you and do whatever it is that makes you happy for as long as you need to. You've been so brave and strong, be proud of yourself x

I think you were absolutely right to leave, he will not change and you will eventually be even more unhappy than you are atm. Feeling upset now is to be expected and IT WILL PASS! You really have done the right thing - read back your original post, what would you say to a friend who’d written it? And if he he is a ‘man of few words and even fewer emotions’ he won’t make a good father will he? Good luck with your new life, I’m sure you’ll find a lovely new man.

I've been there. You only get one life. Get out, it will ruin your self esteem. I agree that it's taboo. I am so open with my friends but yet none of them know that I was in a sexless marriage, I could never bring myself to tell anyone that, I'm so ashamed.
But it's not your fault. Him not addressing the problem or shedding real light on it is cruel or at the very least negligent/ selfish. I wasted hours writing and reading similar threads to this and wondering if he was gay etc. You still could have children with someone who really desires you and values your happiness. Good luck.

Just read your update. Well done on having the courage to leave. I know it must be so hard, but it sounds like the correct decision. You can do it!

Well done for having the courage it will hurt and you will miss your old life but the fact he didn’t stop you tells you he doesn’t want you in his life unless he comes running back promising to change but you were heading down a long and lonely path and kids can’t fill the intimacy void and if your serious about having kids u need to have sex and he wasn’t willing why force the situation you could go on to have a very satisfying sex life With someone new then have your kids good luck op.

Well done OP for being so brave. I just started reading your thread just now and feel proud that you got out.

I wish I’d known about mumsnet back when I was earlier on in a sexless relationship. Stupidly I married mine, so ridiculous! Like a PP, I conceived really easily, so got a bit stuck. I kind of wish we’d not been able to have DC, which is a horrible thing to think, as our DC are wonderful.

My husband’s excuse for not wanting sex on our wedding night or honeymoon is that he didn’t like his own body then. Many years later his excuse for not wanting sex now is that he no longer finds my (post babies) body attractive 😂 I’m laughing, because it’s a bullshit excuse. I should have walked away a long time ago.

Anyway, we have a seemingly very happy life to the outside world and I’m mostly happy. But when I look at my husband now I just think “ick”. Objectively he’s probably attractive, but I’m over it. Too much rejection. One day I’ll walk.

But in the meantime, I’m glad that you’re not stuck. Stay strong OP 🥂

I'm 44 with a sex life that has slowed to zero. We haven't had sex this year- largely because I've stopped initiating it. It was always me and I got sick of it so I stopped and here we are. We have two children and I won't be leaving but there is no intimacy at all, no I love yous, no kisses (not even a peck on the cheek). We live together in a steady and contended way but with no passion at all. OP- you've done the right thing. There's a life out there for you. Grasp it now before you can't.

@BirdieDance Can I ask, have you given up on your sex life, and are you just planning to plod on? I'm in a similar position, 43 and no intimacy of any kind (zero pecks on the cheek here too) for 9 years. It's as if he has no need for it. Recently I've tried dressing extra sexy and literally bending over in front of him to try and get some reaction, but nothing. Not that I want anything from him, I couldn't even kiss him now, never mind anything else. Anyway, it's a long story. I want my life to change, but I can't face the upheaval. Is this the problem for you?

@Bearski77 I think I have just given up to be honest. He's a decent man who loves his kids and works hard. I could be worse off I guess. If I were younger and didn't have kids I'd feel different though but at this point in time I'm ok as I am.

I could've written this myself and strangely we're the same ages! You're lucky you've got out before having kids that would've only made it worse (not that you could have Sex any less than not at all!) but it puts so much pressure on you you have to be 100% happy to throw a baby into the mix as it tests even the most strong couples.

I'm 43 as well... I lived in a sexless marriage for about three years (due to medication my husband was taking), it was soul destroying for me , I couldn't have taken much more . Thankfully he managed to get off the medication and our sex life resumed ( after much effort) . It's not a compromise I would be willing to make for at least another 10/15 years , to not have a sex life with my husband , it's very difficult. I'm sorry .

@BirdieDance I think I feel a bit like you but I just havent had the kids yet. I wonder whether 'I could be worse off' because actually other than the fact we didnt have any romance or intimacy in our relationship, we were happy and I know he would make a good dad. We have loads in common, I think we just didnt work hard enough on us, or communicate with each other!! My biggest fear is looking back in the future and regretting my decision. Right now is the worst feeling I have ever experienced, I know it will pass, but I dont want to have regrets! But I've made my bed now so I better lie in it!