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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Could he be gay ?

102 replies

Underpressure13 · 12/06/2020 22:22

Earlier on, my OH was being a bit suspicious around his phone after having a nap. I showed an interest in what he was looking at- but when I got closer to his phone he leaped to grab it . Feeling very suspicious , I felt he was hiding something so leapt to see and kept hold of it. I told him to let me see what was there, saying that if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t mind or be reacting that way . It turned into a full on wrestle - he was laughing the whole time but using all his strength to get it off me. He said’ wow you’re quite strong’ ( I wasn’t giving in) .
When I said ‘what’s on there that you can’t show me ?!’ He said something along the lines of ‘ I would rather you didn’t see anything and just keep doubting’ so I got even more suspicious then.
Anyway I managed to check a few pages as I got away from him - it was all a bit silly really . Nothing major came of that ( there was one person on Signal he claims not to know , no picture and only one message) , nothing I could really pin to anything . He has so many apps and pages it was hard to look. Afterwards, his male group chat popped up on WhatsApp ( a group of around 10 men he talks to about computers etc ) - he was saying ‘ it’s just guys , nothing going on, old friends’ I saw a few messages on it ( have in the past too) and suddenly I realised that I’ve never - in around 2 years- seen any photos of any women on there, not one. Which I find a bit strange for a group of young men. But within the conversation this last week , there are quite a few pictures of - wait for it - sausage dinners and sausages laid out on plates to look like men’s parts 🤔?! One guy had said ‘ count me in for the dic pics’ . When I said ‘ hang on a minute ...’ he said ‘ oh that’s nothing , just guys joking , it’s banter , just being stupid etc etc . I told him that I didn’t think guys usually had that content on private chat. Then I remembered that he speaks to one of them privately too and in the past has sent the 😘emoji, which I thought was odd at the time. He said that emoji is used ironically Between guys in his country ( he’s not from UK) . I just feel a bit baffled?! Am I really overthinking this ? Has lockdown turned me totally loopy? Do I have reason to think anything ? He denies it all and says I’m being super paranoid and that I should just be glad the guys don’t talk about women . If all that were true , I’d be happy that they’re just ordinary, nerdy guys talking computers and , er, sausages . Somehow though, Something doesn’t feel right .
I’m ashamed that I didn’t trust him , but his reaction was quite extreme- he was absolutely desperate to get the phone. Otherwise I wouldn’t have tried so hard.
Sorry this is long 😬

OP posts:
Underpressure13 · 01/07/2020 22:19

@peelingpaint , when you said :
‘ The pattern will be that when you are face to face, just the two of you, you'll feel happy and enjoy being in a relationship. And then when he closes his eyes, or leaves, you'll remember that you don't trust him and that you have serious doubts about the relationship. I don't think there'll be a time that you'll carry the bliss back into reality because it's only bliss when reality is suspended’ this is actually exactly how it is panning out from the weekend into the week. You got that 100%
@NoMoreDickheads - Thankyou - a good relationship shouldn’t have made me feel like this this past month , I know.
Oddly , all the ED problems stopped over last weekend - and he instigated sex for a change . Part of me is delighted that it worked and the other wonders if it worked only because he knew it was a risky time ( I was ovulating ) and he enjoys the thrill . If we were to do anything this weekend , there is much less risk. On weekends like those he seems to lose interest somewhat Hmm
Thanks for your comments - I am continually working on it , it’s not in vain, I can assure you Flowers

OP posts:
honeyytoast · 02/07/2020 12:53

Why are you still with him?

Just break up. Don’t offer a long explanation hoping that he’ll promise to change - just say a simple “sorry, this isn’t working for me and is not making me happy, it’s over”.

You will feel quite lonely for a few days, maybe weeks, and miss the illusion of comfort and security that the relationship brought you. But then you will suddenly feel so much better, and more powerful, and wonder why you didn’t do it ages ago!! Then, when you’re ready, you’ll find someone else who really really likes you and wants to give you the world.

Don’t settle for this

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