Could he be gay ?

[Underpressure13]

Earlier on, my OH was being a bit suspicious around his phone after having a nap. I showed an interest in what he was looking at- but when I got closer to his phone he leaped to grab it . Feeling very suspicious , I felt he was hiding something so leapt to see and kept hold of it. I told him to let me see what was there, saying that if he had nothing to hide he wouldn’t mind or be reacting that way . It turned into a full on wrestle - he was laughing the whole time but using all his strength to get it off me. He said’ wow you’re quite strong’ ( I wasn’t giving in) .
When I said ‘what’s on there that you can’t show me ?!’ He said something along the lines of ‘ I would rather you didn’t see anything and just keep doubting’ so I got even more suspicious then.
Anyway I managed to check a few pages as I got away from him - it was all a bit silly really . Nothing major came of that ( there was one person on Signal he claims not to know , no picture and only one message) , nothing I could really pin to anything . He has so many apps and pages it was hard to look. Afterwards, his male group chat popped up on WhatsApp ( a group of around 10 men he talks to about computers etc ) - he was saying ‘ it’s just guys , nothing going on, old friends’ I saw a few messages on it ( have in the past too) and suddenly I realised that I’ve never - in around 2 years- seen any photos of any women on there, not one. Which I find a bit strange for a group of young men. But within the conversation this last week , there are quite a few pictures of - wait for it - sausage dinners and sausages laid out on plates to look like men’s parts 🤔?! One guy had said ‘ count me in for the dic pics’ . When I said ‘ hang on a minute ...’ he said ‘ oh that’s nothing , just guys joking , it’s banter , just being stupid etc etc . I told him that I didn’t think guys usually had that content on private chat. Then I remembered that he speaks to one of them privately too and in the past has sent the 😘emoji, which I thought was odd at the time. He said that emoji is used ironically Between guys in his country ( he’s not from UK) . I just feel a bit baffled?! Am I really overthinking this ? Has lockdown turned me totally loopy? Do I have reason to think anything ? He denies it all and says I’m being super paranoid and that I should just be glad the guys don’t talk about women . If all that were true , I’d be happy that they’re just ordinary, nerdy guys talking computers and , er, sausages . Somehow though, Something doesn’t feel right .
I’m ashamed that I didn’t trust him , but his reaction was quite extreme- he was absolutely desperate to get the phone. Otherwise I wouldn’t have tried so hard.
Sorry this is long 😬

One of the latest images was ‘ that’ German symbol (S) made up using penises . What sort of decent person carries on being party to a group who are happy to share that ...
You think you know someone ...

How does he know these men on his what’s app group if he’s never met them? What do they have in common.

Years of online gaming - some battle/ war gaming thing where they all work as a team . He hasn’t played since he moved to UK 1.5 years ago - but still follows the random Chat thread. I suggested he leaves it if he’s not playing anymore and if the content is a bit weird and underhand which it seems to be , but he says he likes it , it’s his ‘thing’ and if he leaves he can never get back in .
So what I’m thinking ?! They sound awful to me but he’s different and they are ‘ friends’ he’s played with , albeit just online .
This is just one aspect though and only minor for me ( not the content however ) .
I’m more concerned about the secretive friendship he has ( online since moving to Uk , before then friends since Uni) with a female best friend which he has kept from me for 2 years ( I’ve described up thread) .

@DoctorHildegardLanstrom @draughtycatflap @yousureaboutthat
Very very good replies.

Just caught up- this guy is really very weird.Anyone that is in a group that shares the swastika as a meme is pretty messed up. His "warped sense of humour" is a way to justify his homophobia and/or far right beliefs. I feel that he can't reconcile these deep seated beliefs with himself and that's causing him conflict and that's why he is the way he is.
And checking out a girl just to make you realise - and so that he can point out he did it deliberately and therefore you're wrong- that's some psychological abuse right there

Firstly wrestling his phone is not cool, and I think you already know that this relationship isn’t right.

It was probably just banter, I don’t get how seeing one sausage photo would make you question someone’s sexuality.

Maybe one of the guys was saying he likes a girl and the rest of them were egging him on to send her a dick pick- then someone is hungry so they send a picture of sausages and say ‘that’s the dick pics I want to see’

I say get a grip and realise that by invading his privacy you have just broken a part of your relationship that is pretty impossible to get back.

You dont need this person to :help" you round the house.
Pay a cleaner
Why are you with him ?
If you dont share his homophobic racist etc views ?

I found my partner in a group chat with his ‘lads’ a couple of months ago, they were sending porn to each other but it was women touching themselves etc.. sorry to say it OP but sending dick pics etc isn’t what I’d say straight men would be sending... it could’ve been immature memes though to be honest... maybe that’s there kind of banter. Does he have any other traits you deem as ‘gay’?? Not sure what to say x

My ex was gay. He wasn’t sending amusing sausage photos to his nerdy mates on WhatsApp. He was sending dick pics to muscle boys on Grindr.

I don’t think this is anything than a bit of a puerile joke on his part but just keep a watching eye.

He sounds like a wrong'un OP.

I think you excuse a lot of things because he's from another country. For instance if he has a sadistic sense of humour it's more likely to be because that's who he is, rather than due to where he's from. I bet most guys from there aren't like that.

He lies about stuff he's upto.

He probably shares private stuff- I mean it's fine for people to chat to their friends of course, but if they are criticizing us it is still unpleasant, depending what it's about.

He does sound emotionally immature at best, sharing 'sex life stories' etc.

Yesterday whilst out shopping he decided to ‘prove’ he wasn’t gay by checking out a young woman in the carpark . He said ‘sorry, that was a bit mean but I wanted to make a point’

He likes to hurt you, play games and manipulate you. With the thing with your male friend, he was trying to change how you interact with other men. Even though he then claimed to be ok with it, it will have altered how you behave, made you more careful of what you do etc.

ie if there are guys kissing on a screen he turns over . I used to love watching that programme ‘ naked attraction ‘ just for a bit of a laugh , but he couldn’t bare it and got really quite cross until I turned it over . Never really understood why.

He's uptight. He also controls what you watch on TV. He controls what you do using his moods.

my morals and values are the opposite as far as I can gather.

His enjoyment of politically incorrect stuff is probably the least of your worries, but could add to your decision to move on.

You will be fine on your own. xxx

By the time you’re in a wrestling match over his phone, whether he’s gay or not is a moot point.

Thanks so much to all of you- all very valid points , helping to open my eyes further to what’s been going on . He’s become quite distant and cold in the last few days . My youngest has been having awful tantrums - fed up of lockdown and missing school friends I guess, so I’ve had a lot on my plate but he has withdrawn his usual help and also physical contact has rapidly decreased. I get the feeling he thinks I’m on to something and now he feels exposed and rattled ,so I feel I’m being punished somehow. His personality has changed quite a bit these last few weeks and I’m seeing a new version coming to light . It feels like the mask is slipping .
I can’t quite believe I seem to have gone from one abusive relationship to another. I thought I was aware of what to avoid after last time but I think I was love-bombed this last year or so. Lockdown has brought things to the forefront . I feel unappreciated and unloved and the girl in the car park thing- as well as his ongoing friendship and phone calls with female best friend - has meant my self-esteem and self worth are on the ground. I’m usually a confident , happy person with lots of friends and very happy in my own skin .
I really have set my bar low. I see that now .
Does anyone have any opinion about the female friend he over-relies on? I’ve tried to be understanding and give space - happy for him to have friends of either sex ofcourse , but the secrecy and hidden nature has bothered me. At the least it’s another form of his control . When I tackle these issues with him, he seems to enjoy it and has this odd smirk and glint in his eye. But evil really Any thoughts ?

Fuck me, this is bonkers.

He's in a group that sends puerile shit around, it's an extended friendship group of people he just games with, and you've extrapolated that he's gay, he's not gay, he's a Nazi, and now he's controlling you because he's withdrawn.

Perhaps he's just not wanting to be affectionate because you wrestled his fucking phone off him and are quizzing him over every single interaction he has with anyone he's ever known including some he doesn't even really know beyond shared interests.

If you don't like it, leave him. But fuck me, some of the mental gymnastics to paint him as the embodiment of evil here are quite a stretch based on you thinking a sausage must somehow be fucking sinister!

Penis swastikas I teach teenage boys and it's the kind of thing they'd do.

He's very very immature amongst other things.

There is something wrong here op and I think you know it.

Thanks @simone1863, that’s really unhelpful actually . You’ve got the wrong end of the stick here . It was just a passing thought about the gay thing ( he did say the day before ‘ what would you say if I came out as gay like that guy on the tv ?!’ It was a passing thing which I responded well and maturely to and we moved on - so when I saw lots of ‘unusual ‘ pics and comments , I just wondered momentarily. I’ve already said I got over that quickly - I don’t think he is gay ( but he does have ED problems regularly so that had also made me wonder ) and yes I know it was silly to want to see what he was hiding but he made a silly game out of it - enjoyed seeing me try to see something that probably wasn’t even there , which makes me wonder if he enjoys seeing me suffer. Have you not read the remainder of the thread? I’m just trying to make sense of what the hell is going on with this person I’ve been with for 2 years , thought I had a future with , believed was a good guy - and as he’s not being open about anything and has no empathy and no remorse and is very secretive , it’s even harder.
I’m very aware that this relationship has come to a dead end and sounds like an absolute shitstorm so please don’t make me feel any worse . What I need is clarity and perspective .
I’m just wondering if he’s actually racist and homophobic that he feels fine to be part of that group . He wasn’t exactly supportive of all the BLM stuff recently either , which I thought was strange . He is fairly open about that group, but he won’t let me see his posts on there To the others or what he’s called ( they all have online names that aren’t theirs) .
I’m more concerned about the female friend part which I described above, but no-one seems to have advice on that . Not that it matters , there’s enough wrong with the rest To last a lifetime .
Your opinion is yours , however , so thanks for at least responding .

Secret female friendships and obsessions about sausages? Could be a possible wannabe trans (female) Is he into cross dressing?

I actually don't think he is the problem. He doesn't want to see you suffer, he's teasing you and playing around. Has that not happened in 2 years?
His friendship group that shares weurd memes, it's his humour and you don't have to like it. Personally, I find the thought of SS penises to be funny, a bit on the distasteful side but amusing.
Me and my older brother lived together for a while and guys actually do find dick things hilarious. The amount of times they'd go pee together 'cross swords', on a heavy drinking night was quite something. It's just dudes being dudes, there's nothing sinister or mean spurited behind any of it. They just don't always think and they are human after all.
As for his female friend, did you say he's known her 20 years? They obviously have a close bond. My best friend is a guy and is he had a girlfriend that wanted him to limit contact I'd not think too kindly of her. Furthemore, I think its ver controlling of you to limit the things he shares with his friends. People talk to their friends about very personal and private things and it's not your place to dictate what he may or may not share.
He may also be distant because you've suddenly changed and he doesn't kniw what's going on.
Has this kind of thing never surfaced in 2 years, at all?
(As a side note, not being supportive of BLM doesn't mean you're racist. It just means you don't support the group that calls itself BLM)

Is he from a country that would need a spousal visa?

@Kay2theT we’ve been together just over 2 years, but the first year was long distance relationship as he wasn’t living here yet. Since he’s been here he doesn’t live with me full time , just at long weekends when my children are at their Dads. He has his own flat , but he was furloughed so he came to live with us in lockdown . So we mostly just spend a few hours a week together Around very busy work schedules and then long weekends . Things have surfaced in lockdown as I suppose they would as everything is magnified and we’ve spent more time together , plus the stress of the children around ( he’s not a natural and never wanted kids, although he’s actually pretty good with them on the whole )
I don’t wish to stop his friendship at all - and I don’t want to stop him sharing anything with anyone as long as it’s not to do with me . But he has kept his friendship a secret for 2 years and hides all his contact with her from me . He doesn’t do this for the male friends and contacts them when he’s with me . He and female friend speak on phone every few days and message daily . I think this is quite over the top and he rings her in times of stress instead of me . I have best friends but don’t message them for days or weeks at a time - even in lockdown , nor them me . I just want him to be more open , but he seems to enjoy keeping this particular relationship to himself . When I bring my feelings up he always says ‘yeh ok you do have a point’ but then does nothing to change things and doesn’t apologise ever , or even try to explain .
We haven’t had very good innings I suppose since last year - two break ups in 2 months , loss of trust , lots of horrible things said to me when he was under the influence . I took him back thinking things could change but since lockdown it’s nosedived quite dramatically . I’ve realised that I don’t trust him now ( he hasn’t helped by being so secretive and glued to his phone - he even takes it to the loo , to read the news he says ) his phone is never further than half a metre away from him and I can’t understand much on in anyway as it’s not my mother tongue .
I came home from work one night and he’d been taking photos of ‘ Basic Instinct’ on the telly - frozen shots of the bit leading up to where Sharon Stone reveals her pants etc. He wanted to make a meme which said something along the lines of ‘ missed the moment’ and send it to that group . I thought it was weird , but only as I’m not into memes , group chats and putting that much effort into something so pointless . I guess I just don’t understand him and what makes him tick and I worry that we are totally different morally and with what interests us .
I definitely don’t think he’s gay atall - just someone who is revealing new and complex layers of himself to me that I’m not sure I like .

@Purplephonecover no, I don’t think it’s anything like that . We decided that he would move here quickly last year as Brexit was approaching and we wanted to get him established in a job etc before it was possibly too late . As it happens Brexit then went on and on. He doesn’t want to get married or anything like that , doesn’t want children ( so against that idea that he avoids sex quite a lot ) . When we split up last year , he went back home temporarily and blended back into life there easily enough, getting on with things . He’s quite adaptable like that and doesn’t get too bogged down emotionally . The second time we broke up , I ended it as he drank a huge amount One night and got a bit edgy with me and told me to go back to my stinking, filthy house ( I lived in a rustic cottage he didn’t like !) he got nasty when drinking , hence he has now been successfully tee-total for 8 months since that night . Ive always been proud of him for achieving this and I let him know that . I don’t think he will slip back into it- but it would be an immediate end for me if he ever did. The alcohol part is something I didn’t want to include really , it’s just another major thing in a list of lots of little things - albeit something he’s now conquered- but maybe it will help some people to see it’s not just me - it hasn’t been that ‘normal’ for a long while .

First of all, you can't ask him to not talk about you or your relationship to his friends. That is wierd and controlling, especially since you're here discusing him and the relationship with complete strangers.
Also how would you have reacted if you knew about this friend from the beginning? And you don't seem to have had a lot of time actually in each others presence, that could be a reason why you've not noticed the girl before. As for ringing her up when he's stressed, he should be able to talk to you but can he? Honestly and openly without being judged or causing a fight? Maybe he just appreciates her perspective? I know there are some things my husband would not quite understand and so I talk to my brother instead.
Furthermore, you socialise differently to him. Only chatting to your friends every so often. Some people just aren't like that.
You worry that you don't really know what makes him tick and you think you are morally incompatible and I think you are 100% correct in this observation. Trying to change him will only cause bitterness and anger. It may be time to go your separate ways and for you to learn to be confident and comfortable with yourself and by yourself so you don't find yourself with partners that are just not right for you.

I wonder what led you two to be in a relationship in the first place.

I'd be more concerned about the fact he seems to take pleasure from seeing you doubt yourself and stew over the whole thing.
He enjoys seeing you suffer. All sounds a bit sadistic, regardless of where he's from.

Thanks @Kay2theT , you’ve given me a lot to think about there and it’s helpful to see things from your perspective. He definitely likes talking to her for reassurance and to feel close to home I suppose . He hasn’t seen any friends and family for a year now ( obviously Covid 19 hasn’t helped with lack of contact or travel to them) so I think he feels homesick . Also I suppose although he can speak to me and does about a lot of things, it’s still in English and he’s not 100% fluent so he probably just wants to reel off stresses and anguishes In his own language to people who’ve known his character for years. It’s not that I mind that friendship one bit , the thing was that he only really ever made out that the singular female friend was a distant friend , yet she’s probably one of the top 3. I just feel left out and misled there. He mentioned a few weeks ago that she used to have a crush on him but that he only found out a couple of years ago - he was quite cross with their mutual friend for not telling him , but said ‘ but anyway there probably wouldn’t have been potential for it to develop into anything ‘ kind of thing . I think that has caused jealousy and worry from me and it’s nagging there in the background . I understand that . I’m a woman , She’s a woman ( I’ve never met) plenty of us would feel the same surely !
Anyway - food for thought though- I will try to reign in those thoughts .
Thanks for the other thoughts - our differences do worry me for the future .

We ended up getting together ( in hindsight probably as a rebound thing from my end ) following the end of my long marriage which had turned EA . The two of us had been penpals for years and always kept in touch , he was a very nostalgic part of my happier younger days and had always claimed to have had strong feelings for me . It never came to anything over the years as I met my then husband a year after and we were together until 2 years ago ( for 18 years) . I went on a spontaneous visit abroad to stay with him and mutual friends and we got together . Too soon really - but anyone who’s ever suffered in an EA relationship will know that you’re just desperate to be loved and appreciated . It was the fairytale - hugely romantic for well over a year. I thought we were soulmates- genuinely- but ofcourse in reality it’s never quite the same.
Now here I am , a year on , discovering nuances and making sense of many things which I find aren’t what I expected . And yes lockdown has me extra suspicious and a bit paranoid too probably . I’m trying to see things from his perspective or at least from outside Of the situation . I suppose time will tell and opinions have been mixed here so I will have to keep figuring it out. Do appreciate everyone’s input so far though - especially at lockdown when I can’t see my own friends yet . They also don’t really know him and I don’t want to ruin his chances of future relationships with them either, if we do end up somehow figuring out a way forward .
If anyone else has other views I’m very interested to hear . Thanks

Good thing you only see him when your kids aren't home. If he's taking pics of Sharon Stones crotch in order to get approval from the toxic gamers on his chat. Nice. God only knows what other photos are going up there.
Is abusive when drunk. Avoids sex because he doesnt want kids, that's pretty odd. Why not get a vasectomy then.
I never met a man who avoided sex. What does he work at?