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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is oversharing about an ex a red flag?

50 replies

Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:02

Hi everyone , just looking for opinions on this .

New relationship. he is giving too much information about the ex (wife , married for a long time) , some of it private . The kind of thing I would not be happy someone knowing about me but I am a private person.

Would you see this as a red flag or watch and see?

Some of it I wish I didn't know but not like really awful .. like things she was insecure about (her weight and some other things) or things that were said in arguments when they split up. (She doesn't come out well but it's understandable). But nothing really bad, just hints of something bad?

Is the fact I'm uncomfortable a red flag?

OP posts:
ballyboy · 11/06/2020 22:03

I wouldn't run yet. I suppose it depends what he was saying. Im not very private though so maybe would see it differently

LightDrizzle · 11/06/2020 22:05

Red for me. I would be turned right off.

LightDrizzle · 11/06/2020 22:06

He’s maybe just not ready yet, to be fair to him.

NoMoreDickheads · 11/06/2020 22:09

I would say it means you know he can't keep people's confidences. Don't share your vulnerabilities or he may use them as ammo and share them with others.

Means he's probably not someone it's good to open yourself upto.

My0My · 11/06/2020 22:12

Well he’s a gossip and not capable of keeping matters private. He’s hardly likely to tell you his former wife was a saint, is he? He’s giving you the reasons why he’s divorced, why he’s not responsible and why his former wife was. I wouldn’t be keen and basically he’s talking about himself and looking for sympathy. Not a great start to a relationship in my view.

Original poster
Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:12

Yeah, I've been thinking that he's just processing but I'm also thinking maybe he shouldn't be processing with me?

I've been a people pleaser/problem solver my whole life and I'm making changes but I'm also trying to be fair and at the same time careful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:17

@NoMoreDickheads

That's it really isn't it. I've already started being more careful around him (not that I would be spilling my guts at this stage anyway).

I just don't really have experience of this, my exes didn't say anything about previous partners and I wouldn't unless it was relevant and sharable. I didn't know if it was normal.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 11/06/2020 22:18

Not ready? He's ready enough to splurge his ex-wife's most private moments to someone he's only met recently.mnot very honourable, is it?

My0My · 11/06/2020 22:18

I think some men won’t accept anything that went wrong in a marriage was anything to do with them and want sympathy and a strategy to move on. They often look for that in a new relationship. I think you are being asked to provide therapy, reassurance and confirmation that of course he was blameless when living with an unreasonable woman.

summerrose11 · 11/06/2020 22:19

Erm it could be but I guess when he's speaking about her what is his tone like? Does he blame her for alot of things? Mock her? Put her down? If so then I would say that's a definite red flag

summerrose11 · 11/06/2020 22:21

Just read your last post that you're a people pleaser. I also used to be one. I attract the wrong men so I'm trying hard to fix it. Hoping he's not a bad one

NoMoreDickheads · 11/06/2020 22:32

I am a people pleaser, but of course he shouldn't be 'processing' his last relationship on you. You're supposed to be on a date.

Tell him he's had his taster sessions now and any further sessions are £40 an hour. :)

Original poster
Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:34

Yeah. He doesn't really have a negative tone but she does come up a lot in conversation. And it can be negative/positive/neutral. I don't know if he's even aware of how much he talks about her. I have a really bad habit of excusing people for stuff. It's because he's processing , it's because of lockdown , he must be comfortable with me to say all this. Etc

It's not really my job to hear about her so much is it?

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 11/06/2020 22:34

I am also trying to stop people pleasing excessively. What matters is how people treat us. If they treat us badly they can bugger off. And of course bin at the first red flag.

I don't think this guy comes across as having a good character.

NoMoreDickheads · 11/06/2020 22:35

It's not really my job to hear about her so much is it?

Of course not.

delilahbucket · 11/06/2020 22:37

Just remember there are two sides to every story. My ex bad mouthed his ex wife from the first day I met him. He did the same to me when we split and said the same things about me he said about her, except it wasn't true. Then the penny dropped that his ex wife was more likely the victim than the perpetrator of the violence and bullying in their relationship.

Crystalspider · 11/06/2020 22:37

If was always her fault be wary, you only have his side of the story as to why she was angry and insecure, I would wonder what he did to make her that way.
He still feels quite bitter about whatever happened and hasn't fully let go which is why he's spilling it all out to you.
you could ask him not to mentions ex's no one really wants to know the gory details after all.

My0My · 11/06/2020 22:38

No. But if you don’t stop him you get the job by default.

backseatcookers · 11/06/2020 22:42

I would find this really unattractive.

There aren't hard and fast rules with lots of things in dating. There's no 'acceptable' or 'unacceptable' threshold for talking about an ex.

You've said it's 'too much' and that you're 'uncomfortable' - listen to that!

If it's too much for you and uncomfortable for you then that's what matters. If I felt the way you do, I'd be moving on.

Trust your judgement on this stuff, it's an important one Thanks

Original poster
Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:46

I'll speak to him about it and if it doesn't go down well or if he doesn't calm down then i will end it I think. Thank you everybody, you've given me something to work with and a plan.

It reminds me of one ex who had a very technical job and would spend hours telling me about the different things he did. We are talking engineering here. It might be interesting to do but it was NOT interesting to hear about. After months of this I finally said could we talk about something else during dinner. He went in a huff and never mentioned his work again. And I felt guilty for years. Which makes me laugh now.

OP posts:
NoseyfriendNC · 11/06/2020 22:47

I would probably be more worried if it was the opposite and he kept his past relationship from me and was secretive. I would feel better knowing he is being open and honest with me.

illclapwheniminpressed · 11/06/2020 22:55

Your not his therapist!
It's simple you don't need his issues filling up your cup.

That's his past and he needs to process it properly.

I'm all for sharing issues together but not for moaning and chatting but doing nothing.

Also you now know what his behaviour will be if you did split up.

Original poster
Simpledaisy262 · 11/06/2020 22:59

@NoseyfriendNC

That's interesting because I'm just thinking how I would feel if he was talking about me and I would not be happy at all if my insecurities were being told to my exes new girlfriend .... Actually, the thought of it kind of freaks me out. I really do value my privacy though and I know that can maybe make me overthink.

@backseatcookers

Thank you , that's good advice. I'm just kind of learning to listen to my instincts and I suppose strengthen my boundaries. It's all work I've started in the last few months.

@NoMoreDickheads

Do you think it's okay to bin at the first red flag? I usually wait until they have about thirty , that doesn't work for me anymore.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 11/06/2020 23:02

That's interesting because I'm just thinking how I would feel if he was talking about me and I would not be happy at all if my insecurities were being told to my exes new girlfriend .... Actually, the thought of it kind of freaks me out. I really do value my privacy though and I know that can maybe make me overthink.

I think this is really insightful for you and is the kind of thinking you should be pursuing, not putting down to overthinking. Liking your privacy and having boundaries are not character flaws, they are character traits. Nothing wrong with them at all.

Keep your focus on finding someone who is compatible. Even if you now say to him 'actually I find it uncomfortable you talk so much / so openly about exes' and he eases up, wouldn't you rather hold out and spend your time looking for someone who is naturally aligned with you on that kind of stuff and doesn't have to be told?

I think you have better instincts than you think and you're just not listening to them Thanks

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/06/2020 23:07

I heard chapter and verse on DH's ex wife, but not until further into our relationship. She was candid about how badly she had behaved too, so much of what he said was substantiated by her or by the children. He was (understandably) bitter, but they were civil. If he had slagged her off as soon as I had met him, I wouldn't have been very impressed.

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