Is oversharing about an ex a red flag?

[Simpledaisy262]

Hi everyone , just looking for opinions on this .

New relationship. he is giving too much information about the ex (wife , married for a long time) , some of it private . The kind of thing I would not be happy someone knowing about me but I am a private person.

Would you see this as a red flag or watch and see?

Some of it I wish I didn't know but not like really awful .. like things she was insecure about (her weight and some other things) or things that were said in arguments when they split up. (She doesn't come out well but it's understandable). But nothing really bad, just hints of something bad?

Is the fact I'm uncomfortable a red flag?

I think 1 red flag can sometimes be a fluke. But if theres 2, run for the hills.

I would probably be more worried if it was the opposite and he kept his past relationship from me and was secretive. I would feel better knowing he is being open and honest with me.

@NoseyfriendNC The thing is he isn't sharing things that it's helpful/relevant for the OP to know IYSWIM. He's sharing another woman's private issues with a stranger. Maybe if he'd been seeing the OP longer then yes, but not early on.

@Simpledaisy262 I suppose it depends how unpleasant/annoying the red flag is to you personally. I would find this annoying/unpleasant and I think you do too, and it's also a red flag in another way because he's already kind of relying on you emotionally maybe, expecting a high level of support and affirmation.

If it was a minor red flag like, erm, IDK lol but if it wasn't something that really grated I agree with Bunnymumy and would probably wait for 2.

Don't have any qualms about binning any of them quickly tho. There are plenty of men, no point in putting up with an annoying or potentially dodgy one.

And being man-free is pretty awesome anyway IMHO.

To me it depends how long they were together. My parents were together from being 16 and split up after 40 years. It hit my dad hard and he still brings her up (even though the relationship is DEFINITELY over). It's almost as though he doesn't know how to speak to new women because he's not been in the position of 'dating' so to speak, in so many years.

In your situation, it's either because he's still processing the break up if it was particularly difficult or recent or because he's simply come out of a long term relationship and he's forgotten how to have a conversation with a woman he's interested in and obviously talking about the ex wife isn't how to do so!

I would say red flag from your first post. The way you describe him mentioning her doesn't sound like processing because the outcome of processing would be him talking and gaining increased understanding or perspective. It sounds like he's trying to subtly push an impression on you that his xw is (insert negative thing here) so that you can look down on her too.

I think that's why you feel odd about it, because it's manipulative to drag you into the dynamic of their finished relationship; better to have a partner who wants to spend time with you for you, not so that he can score points for his ego by comparing you to xw (and double them by getting you to join in).

@backseatcookers

That's actually really funny you saying that, about being in alignment because I kind of wrote a list of things that I would want or prioritise in a relationship and that is exactly what I'm looking for as a priority. I just want someone I can trust and someone who 'gets me' and who I 'get'. And I don't 'get' this guy. I dont. I'm trying to because he ticks a lot of boxes and he is nice to me in other ways.

Money, looks are less important to me than what you described.

@NoMoreDickheads

It is grating on me , I don't like it. I don't mind so much when it isn't negative. And like I said it's never anything really bad but there are times when it feels like he wants me to be slightly bitchy with him about her, there's been a few awkward silences when I'm obviously supposed to say 'really?, Tell me more' and I just say nothing.

Yeah. I think this could be enough to just call it a day.

there's been a few awkward silences when I'm obviously supposed to say 'really?, Tell me more' and I just say nothing.

Lol, good for you.

I am recently divorced and female.
I think he is still processing it all. It doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t ready to date.
Just that his life changed after a long time of being with his ex and he is still getting used to it.
I think it takes people a while to switch mindsets and get used to their next phase. Like for eg, I still refer to my Ex as my H, even though he is almost not that technically, and we have been going through divorce for more than a year. It’s just a habit I am need to get out of.

Rather than considering it a red flag - I’d just tell him. He is probably not even aware he is doing it or that it is bothering you. It’s just a part of what he has been going through recently and so he talks about it.

As to the specific bits of information he mentioned - like her having insecurities about her weight - not sure why you are bothered by that. If it’s part of the story of what went wrong in the relationship - why not.
I am sure if I meet someone - and we end up talking about our respective pasts - I’ll say smth about my Ex from my perspective, about why I think relationship broke down. Some of what I would say will be negative.
But obviously - I’d be careful not to dwell on it.

Anyway - if you feel he is still hang up on his past - or if he doesn’t respond to you asking him to not bring his Ex all the time - then go.
Or if you are just not that into him

I think you're right to put the brakes on and move on, your instinct has told you he isn't right for you.

I finally started listening to my gut and red flags and I'm now with (please excuse me saying this as I usually think it's a dick move when others do) someone I'm so happy with.

It's easy, we just 'get' each other, we are really different in lots of ways but aligned in the ways that matter. I've had years of abusive / shitty relationships, lots of therapy and now I can honestly say he's basically an absolute best mate I also really fancy and if someone said we will still be together in 10/20/30+ years I'd think ah that's ace.

It's never been stressful, it didn't go too fast or too slow, I didn't have to think of pros and cons, it was natural and easy. I am so glad I met him after the shit ones and the wtf was I thinking ones.

I used to call people wankers for saying stuff like that but honestly, listening to my gut and acting swiftly on red flags changed my life

I am of the mindset that if he is processing fine, but it is not appropriate that it is with you to that degree. You are very self-perceptive in saying you excuse things in people easily. Things that perhaps do not sit well with you. Embarking on new relationship is the perfect opportunity to take a growth path, and heal old ways of being. Taking on new, more empowering ones that can give more of what one truly desires. You may want to find a gentle way to let him know how you feel. His reaction & subsequent behavior will tell you a lot about him/relationship potential. I`d call it a very bright yellow flag for now. Best wishes...

I went out with someone who did that "waiting" for the negative from me response when talking about his ex (who i didn't even know!). He turned out to be a jerk.

Anyway if something's bothering you ... there's probably a reason. Up to you to see if you want to "hang around" to confirm it further. I would definitely keep my ears "pricked up" to see how he talks about women generally. And how he treats you (especially in relation to sexual matters).

I'm wondering the "real" reason they split up too.

What backseat says sounds the way to go ....

If he refers to her as 'crazy', move on!

It isn't until you yourself are trying to get rid of a dickhead that you realize you will be referred to as another 'crazy' just like his ex wife!

Always bin at the first red flag! You’ve admired you’re a people pleaser, you’re uncomfortable with his talk about his ex. Nah walk away now, before you start making even more excuses for him.

It’s amazing the amount of first dates with OND and the date talks about their ex!!! I mean WTF!

Yeah these men are not ready to date!!!

I am quite a private person too so I would be uncomfortable knowing someone was sharing private details about me but I was dating a guy that never talked about his ex which I thought was strange as he had been with her for years and if I mentioned her in conversation he would get really defensive and not want to talk about her. This made me think he still had feelings for her/wasn't over her.

I talk about my ex but not excessively to make someone jealous or think I still have feelings for them.
I think though that when you have that gut feeling about someone you should probably trust your instincts and see it as a red flag.

Telling you the bad stuff is to make you want to be better than her. Telling you good stuff is to make you feel bad about yourself and make you strive to be better than her. He's setting you up to compete with her.

For example: "I won't pull him on being late for dates because his ex used to do that and I don't want to be like her."

He's basically laying out what he likes/dislikes in a partner without actually saying it. It's all encoded in talking about ex.

good point Things

As to the specific bits of information he mentioned - like her having insecurities about her weight - not sure why you are bothered by that. If it’s part of the story of what went wrong in the relationship - why not.

@Jsku Because some people mightn't mind others knowing that, but to his ex that might be a private thing she mightn't want him to go on about. Sharing it means he can't be counted on to keep people's confidences.

IDK if I would personally mind someone sharing that if I'd told them that, but some people might.

It also depends on the context. Like if he'd said 'she was insecure about her weight, which effected our sex life,' that would've been even more private.

@NoMoreDickheads

When people breakup after a long relationship - of course they will talk to their new partners about their past and issues that lead to it. If it was sex life - for example - and it stemmed from insecurity about weight - it’s just part of the story. It’s not a privacy thing at all.

I am just divorced. When I get close to someone, or meet someone and they would ask me why my relationship didnt work out - I would tell them. It would of course be my side of the story.
But somehow suggesting that I can’t say anything about the way my ExH was in a relationship - as it’s private to how he is - is strange. And not how people communicate.
And I equally expect exH to talk to his new partners and tell them his side.

It’s different from excessively talking to new partners about the past relationships, of course.

I don't think talking about an exes insecurities to a new partner is okay. I just don't. Maybe in a longer relation as has been said previously.

The weight thing . The discussion was about how we wear different clothing as you get older , I said I wear dresses a lot more than I used to. For work wear, on warm days etc. I like them. He said his wife wouldn't wear dresses even though she wanted to because she felt self conscious, in fact her insecurity about her weight affected days out, holidays, all leisure activities. She could get very upset. Nothing about sex. But I still feel like the fly in the room of their relationship. The detail was unnerving, she wouldn't try clothing on in store etc.

This is something that she felt badly about and it's not my business. Am I oversensitive ? Anyway , regardless if that he talks about her too much. Everything gets turned round to her.

This is something that she felt badly about and it's not my business. Am I oversensitive ? Anyway , regardless if that he talks about her too much. Everything gets turned round to her.

Trust your gut on this OP. You know his comments on her are off for two reasons - they are overly intense / personal for a new relationship and they are overly frequent too.

You sound perfectly, sensibly sensitive to me!

You know it's off, trust yourself

Ltb

"He said his wife wouldn't wear dresses even though she wanted to because she felt self conscious, in fact her insecurity about her weight affected days out, holidays, all leisure activities."

I thought dresses were most flattering as no muffin top?

How did her weight impact leisure activities?

Genuinely interested. I know I've missed the point.

It sounds like he's trying to give you a sob story to manipulate you into doing things he wants, by saying his ex stopped them from doing lots of things.

How did her weight impact leisure activities?

I agree that dresses are prettier BTW. Personally I wouldn't swim much as I don't like to reveal much of my body, so IDK if one of the activities is that.

Anyway, he's not for you OP. You don't like his personality or feel like your feelings etc are safe with him.

I agree with backseatcookers

This happened to me OP and at the outset, like you, I felt uncomfortable with it because at that time my grip on reality was still in place and like you, It hadn’t ever been an issue in previous relationships And just didn’t seem right or very adult. I did speak to him about it and he said he was aware he did it, that it wasn’t right and he would stop. Over time though, it transpired it was just the type of person he was ....perhaps in his case it was because by relaying the ex’s insecurities he was trying to cover up his own, maybe he felt his was uninteresting so had to reach into other people’s private issues as a source of conversation...God knows. I found out over the years that he hadn’t changed when he treated my private life in the same way he had his ex’s before I even was the ex...worse still he would twist things. Be careful.

He is not for you.

He could also be quite toxic.

End it.

It put me right off someone I was dating.

I had to point out she was the mother of his children and can't have been 'all bad' - it just made him look stupid. Really undignified.

I also didn't want to give divorce advice (I'd had an amicable split with my exh). It just made me think less of him. It completely backfired as he thought I'd take his side.

He whines about 'babysitting' his kids whilst she worked. Idiot.