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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Strange behaviour during lockdown

45 replies

EmeliaLily · 11/06/2020 15:11

Really need your help!

I've been umming and ahhing about posting this for a little while now, mainly because I thought I was being paranoid. But my gut feeling tells me there's something to suspect!

My OH has been spending a lot of time on his phone/laptop during lockdown. He always did to be honest, it's always been a pet peeve of mine, we used to have to have 'phone bans' when going out for a romantic meal. But now he's on the phone even more than our kids are and always seems to act embarrassed or like I caught him doing something when I mention he's addicted to the device.

I just have a bad feeling that he's been messaging another woman. I haven't confronted him yet, I'm not sure how to, he's always quite defensive and make me feel stupid for questioning him. We've been married for 8 years (together for 10) and I have felt at times that the passion has left our relationship, but he's my best friend.

What should I do? Am I going crazy? Maybe he's just bored as he's been furloughed. Should I speak to him or should I check his phone myself and see if he's hiding anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 11/06/2020 15:14

Any help would be much appreciated!!

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 11/06/2020 15:15

Shame if the Wi-Fi went down one day.. Await his reaction..

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 11/06/2020 15:18

@Windyatthebeach you know, that's an excellent point... how can I shut it down without him knowing it was me? Oh wait, there's always his internet on his phone..

I'm worried about bringing it up because he gets quite defensive about things, flips then on me and then I feel like we obsess over these things for weeks after. If I'm wrong I feel like he will take it very personally

OP posts:
Solomon1212 · 11/06/2020 15:20

Put parental controls on lol.

diamondeyes · 11/06/2020 15:23

Can't you see what he's doing on his phone or laptop, like glance over or is he doing it in private?
If he's never given you a reason to not trust him then I wouldn't bother worrying about it. It could be disastrous if you snoop, he'll feel his personal space is invaded and men need their private space in my experience.

TimelyManor · 11/06/2020 15:28

I'm worried about bringing it up because he gets quite defensive about things, flips then on me

Mine was the same. He was cheating. He also blamed me for everything but that was part of a much bigger abuse.

alicejen · 11/06/2020 15:29

Check iphone battery?

pooopypants · 11/06/2020 15:30

Could it be porn?

Crystalspider · 11/06/2020 16:13

When he's on it just go and stand or sit next to him and just what up you up then? he should show you if there's nothing to hide. It could be that he doesn't like being told off and thats why he's embarrassed.
Snappy or annoyed behaviour would suggest he's hiding something.

ravenmum · 11/06/2020 16:32

Is the phone set up so that messages show up briefly on the lock screen? Does he ever let go of it?

Normally there's other behaviour that's a bit weird, too, if they are having an affair. When you say that he always makes you feel stupid for questioning him, do you mean that you've suggested he's having an affair in the past?

category12 · 11/06/2020 16:34

Go for a walk together - forget your phone - say you have "something you want to quickly google" or someone you want to call briefly and ask to borrow his. His reaction will tell you something.

Jessy2903 · 11/06/2020 16:35

I would say comfort him and ask him out right, but IF anything is going on, he's likely to deny it.
I know it's not right, but if I suspected that I would get his phone while he was in the shower and snoop.
Hopefully it's nothing to worry about!

CoronaIsShit · 11/06/2020 16:42

Good god, don’t confront, he’ll only lie and hide it better if he’s up too something!

You need to get hold of his phone. When he’s asleep? Anyone who says just ask him and expect the truth is naive.

If you have reason to suspect, act on it.

Sicario · 11/06/2020 16:42

The big tell will be whether he is territorial about his phone. Not letting it out of his sight. Not letting you use it. Not knowing the passcode.Those would be enormous red flags that he is hiding something.

CoronaIsShit · 11/06/2020 16:46

Sorry if he’s up to something not too.

I’ve done checked up on DH myself in the past and would do again if necessary. Didn’t find anything but don’t feel guilt as I see it as self-protection.

bettybr2020 · 12/06/2020 11:51

I would say try and delve further. There is definitely something suspicious...

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 12/06/2020 13:03

thank you so much everybody for all of this advice! Wow, yeah, it seems that it may not be a bad idea to go through his phone. I've never done it before as i had an ex who used to be quite obsessive and do it to me. plus if you trust someone why should you? But he has become quite territorial about his phone it's super weird

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 12/06/2020 13:04

@Solomon1212

Put parental controls on lol.
This made me laugh lol!
OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 12/06/2020 13:05

@pooopypants

Could it be porn?
I don't think it is as he will be glued to his phone on the coach, you wouldn't really watch something like that in the living room round the kids. I don't think i would be upset if it was porn either
OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 12/06/2020 13:09

@category12 @Crystalspider @ravenmum @Sicario @Jessy2903 @CoronaIsShit @bettybr2020
I think you all make valid points to make me question why I haven't looked already! I think he's left me with no choice. He does get confrontational whenever I mention his phone - I think the idea of self preservation is more important here now then the guilt. We stand to lose a lot as a family if he is actually having an affair

OP posts:
Fox43 · 12/06/2020 13:25

You need to be 100% sure you don't trust him if you're gonna go in his phone. Going through someone's phone as you know, is really unhealthy behaviour. Does he leave his phone about around you? Does he receive notifications or are they all turned off? Does he take it to the toilet/bathroom etc? Sleep with it under his pillow, out of reach of you? Some really good points to think about. But if it's tormenting you and will put your mind at ease then you could do it but make sure it's in a safe environment and you won't get caught. I hope it all works out for you

Dollyrocket · 12/06/2020 14:12

Apart from his phone, are there other signs?

MinteeFresh · 12/06/2020 14:16

You need to be 100% sure you don't trust him if you're gonna go in his phone. Going through someone's phone as you know, is really unhealthy behaviour.

I totally disagree with this. If he's got nothing to hide, no harm done, you know you've got a good'un. Otherwise, always better to know what you are dealing with in my book.

ravenmum · 12/06/2020 14:25

I felt bad about looking at my ex's emails even when I had lots of reaons to think something was going on, going back months. Even though they proved me right, I still feel bad that I invaded his privacy in such a sneaky way. If I'd been wrong and he'd realised I'd snooped through his things, he'd have been entirely justified in leaving me.

frozendaisy · 12/06/2020 14:48

About a month ago I spent 3 days thinking DH was betraying me on his phone, always put it away when I walked past, looked ''guilty" when I walked in a room. It drove me to sadness and paranoia, so just said "ok your phone wins you've broke me I can't compete with your phone and the whole of the internet"

Anyway, he deleted his games, doesn't use his phone as much, almost no secrecy now, he thinks I was insane, much reassurance from him that " I got married to not have to do that dating shit again".

Yes we both had slightly unhealthy relationships with our phones. But we have purged and cleansed.

It's not always betrayal. Talk to him.

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