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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Strange behaviour during lockdown

45 replies

EmeliaLily · 11/06/2020 15:11

Really need your help!

I've been umming and ahhing about posting this for a little while now, mainly because I thought I was being paranoid. But my gut feeling tells me there's something to suspect!

My OH has been spending a lot of time on his phone/laptop during lockdown. He always did to be honest, it's always been a pet peeve of mine, we used to have to have 'phone bans' when going out for a romantic meal. But now he's on the phone even more than our kids are and always seems to act embarrassed or like I caught him doing something when I mention he's addicted to the device.

I just have a bad feeling that he's been messaging another woman. I haven't confronted him yet, I'm not sure how to, he's always quite defensive and make me feel stupid for questioning him. We've been married for 8 years (together for 10) and I have felt at times that the passion has left our relationship, but he's my best friend.

What should I do? Am I going crazy? Maybe he's just bored as he's been furloughed. Should I speak to him or should I check his phone myself and see if he's hiding anything?

OP posts:

Lauren83 · 12/06/2020 14:52

I would defo go through his phone, just be careful doing it as I suspected my ex and went through his at 4am when he was asleep and accidentally called his brother it rang before I had chance to cancel the call. He was messaging other women too the prick

cataclysmiclife · 12/06/2020 14:54

^Can't you see what he's doing on his phone or laptop, like glance over or is he doing it in private?
If he's never given you a reason to not trust him then I wouldn't bother worrying about it. It could be disastrous if you snoop, he'll feel his personal space is invaded and men need their private space in my experience.^

I've just discovered my 'very trustworthy' husband has been messaging prostitutes. All the signs are there - it's worth keeping your eyes open

NewNewt · 12/06/2020 17:16

Yeah just spend some time on here and see all the women who thought their husbands and partners "would never do such a thing". I thought the same about mine until I looked at his phone once after becoming aware of some dodgy activity (no snooping, he accidentally sent it to me) and found him researching prostitutes on Adultwork.

Original poster

EmeliaLily · 15/06/2020 14:34

@ravenmum

I felt bad about looking at my ex's emails even when I had lots of reaons to think something was going on, going back months. Even though they proved me right, I still feel bad that I invaded his privacy in such a sneaky way. If I'd been wrong and he'd realised I'd snooped through his things, he'd have been entirely justified in leaving me.

It just seems like a catch 22 situation. If I check his phone and there's nothing suspicious, I will ultimately feel like such a bad person for invading his privacy, and if I DO find something bad on there - that's an even worse result. I haven't checked, honestly, we've had such a lovely weekend this weekend I'm starting to think it's all in my head. Maybe lockdown is making me paranoid.

OP posts:

Original poster

EmeliaLily · 15/06/2020 14:37

@Dollyrocket Apart from his phone, are there other signs?

I feel like there has been, but I'm not sure if I'm imagining things. At times recently he's seemed distance and distracted, and then this last weekend we had a wonderful time together with the kids over a bbq.

I feel like he's jekyl and hyde sometimes, and then other times I feel like it's all in my head. Am I going crazy? It's like dating two different people.

OP posts:

nubeejinnings · 15/06/2020 14:37

Let the battery on your phone die and then ask him if you can borrow his?

CrowCat · 15/06/2020 14:55

When my exh was being cagey about his phone I tried plonking down next to him, all lighthearted and whatnot, and asking what he was up to, was it worth a giggle etc. He clammed up immediately and got very defensive. I had to 'let it drop' as I was 'acting crazy'.

Saw a message pop up on his unguarded phone one night while he was asleep. 'Missed you tonight, we'll make up for it this weekend 😍'

So that was pretty telling. Confronted him. He accused me of not trusting him. Well no shit, Sherlock. I couldn't get a straight answer out of him. It was me being crazy and insecure, obviously!! Isn't it always??

We separated but he was asking for a second chance within a few weeks. I forgave that first misdemeanour. More fool me.

Hope you get some answers, OP

PinkMonkeyBird · 15/06/2020 15:53

@CrowCat Oh I did the same with my ex and he also treated me the same as yours after confronting him...saying I was crazy and insecure. I was right all along!

Moral of the story...trust your instincts.

TimelyManor · 15/06/2020 16:07

[quote EmeliaLily]**@Dollyrocket* Apart from his phone, are there other signs?*

I feel like he's jekyl and hyde sometimes, and then other times I feel like it's all in my head. Am I going crazy? It's like dating two different people.[/quote]
This is quite classic behaviour of a cheat - messing with your head either hoping that you'll be the one to end your relationship so he can go off with his exciting new whoever or when you start questioning him or putting barriers up he'll say he had to go elsewhere because you were so unreasonable. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

CrowCat · 15/06/2020 18:24

@PinkMonkeyBird it's horrible isn't it. Awful that they'd rather make out you're crazy than actually own up to anything. Instinct is key.

Buggedandconfused · 15/06/2020 18:32

Trust your gut. I’d look at phone. Just be sure to close off the pages you’ve looked at by double clicking home and swiping them off.

Songsofexperience · 15/06/2020 21:05

I was on the receiving end of H looking through my phone. I hadn't cheated on him. I had however discussed marriage issues with a friend and some other problems that I wasn't ready to share with him at that point. I felt utterly violated. Be careful about the snooping.

ravenmum · 16/06/2020 08:42

If I check his phone and there's nothing suspicious, I will ultimately feel like such a bad person
As I say, I found somehing and still felt bad! Depends on the person, obviously, and I certainly wouldn't judge someone else for doing it. Personally, though, I would need to have a good reason, other than just a vague suspicion. I'd start out by looking out for pop-up lockscreen notices that you can see without actually touching the phone - I know that is more or less the same thing, but somehow it doesn't seem as bad if anyone could read them because he's failed to set up his privacy settings well enough!

GreyishDays · 16/06/2020 08:45

As others have said, just try and use his phone first. Leave yours in another room and then pick his up to check the weather. See how he reacts.
I agree that if you snoop, you’ve put yourself in the wrong.

Pleasenodont · 16/06/2020 09:04

I’ve been spending a lot more time on my phone during lockdown too, as has DH. Nothing remotely suspicious about it, just too many hours in the day to fill! It may be something and nothing.

madcatladyforever · 16/06/2020 09:10

if it was me I'd just sit him down and ask him outright if he's messaging another woman.
Explain why you think this and the guilty reaction from him when you catch him on the phone.
I would have known from his face whether my ex was lying to me or not because he was rubbish at lying and sure enough when i asked him he blushed to the roots of his hair before all the usual denials and I knew.
Sure enough he eventually went off with the OH protesting there wasn't one all the way.
It could just be that lockdown is making him crazy and his phone is the only way he can keep his sanity, I think we've all felt like that.
But of course he feels guilty because he knows your opinion on excessive phone usage.

ravenmum · 16/06/2020 09:43

When I asked my exh (before any evidence) if he was having an affair, he didn't blush or act in a typically guilty manner. He acted angry, asking how I could possibly accuse him of such a thing, as if I was a horrible person. The affair started shortly after his mother died, so he always said that his odd behaviour was due to that. If I questioned it, that meant that I didn't care about him or his mother.
People react in different ways and it's hard to work out what's going on.

FranCan · 16/06/2020 09:48

Oh my goodness! How long have you been together? I would be more worried I think if this kind of behaviour happened a long time into a relationship, if he is like this from the start then yeah he probably is cheating or hes addicted to his phone

FranCan · 16/06/2020 09:53

@Fox43 'You need to be 100% sure you don't trust him if you're gonna go in his phone.'

Sorry but I totally disagree with this. She needs to protect herself and find out right now

LemonTT · 16/06/2020 12:58

The decision is yours. But what will you do if you find evidence of an affair and what will you do if you don’t.

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