Help! Family divided...

[DistraughtFather]

Hello,

A few months ago, I left my wife. No one else involved, but we had just grown apart and the romance was gone completely. We were just living as friends really, and I felt I needed more than that. We did go to therapy etc., but nothing changed, and I was comfortable it was the right decision. Or at least I was until last night.

We have two young children together (both under 10). Also, I have another child, 12 years old, from a previous relationship, who lived with us for part of the week, and with his mother the rest of the week. Immediately after the split I moved in to a friend's spare room until I could find a place to live. Because of this, I could only visit the children (of both mothers) and take them out, not have them live with me. A couple of months ago, I got my own place, and since then the children (from both mothers, but not necessarily at the same times) have stayed with me frequently (2 or 3 nights each week), although we had not yet agreed to a particular schedule.

Yesterday, my STBX wife told me that she is moving 7 hours away to the town of her birth, to live with her sister. She's taking the children with her. She's being given a job in her family business (which does sound really good for her), and says that this, combined with better access to her family for support, is a good enough reason to relocate. I don't think she's trying to be malicious, she genuinely feels that this is the right thing to do.

I don't know what to do. 7 hours each way is too far to see my kids on a weekend, so I'm going to be confined to holidays only. I only get statutory minimum holidays, so at the very best I am now going to see my children for only 5 weeks of the year.

I can't move to be nearer to them either, as I can't leave my other son behind, and there is no way his mum would move up there with us! Also, my mother is quite elderly and relies heavily on me for practical support and companionship (I am an only child, so there's no one else), and there is no way she would agree to move!

I could try going to court to stop my wife moving away, but I'm worried that the court would count the benefits of the move (really good job, family support for my wife) to adequately compensate for dramatically reduced access to their father.

What the hell am I going to do? I can't stand the thought of seeing so little of my children.

I suppose I could ask my wife to take me back, but I doubt that she would agree now - and she seems to be very much looking forward to starting a new life.

I'm so sorry for you. This is a heartbreaking situation for you.

My brother has a daughter and his ex moved to the other side of the world with the courts permission because she'd have a better life there.
The court stipulated she had to let him speak to his daughter on the phone and that he'd get school photos updates etc and be able to write to her.

Needles to say he never heard from them again. The address and school details were all false.

My advice would be don't bother fighting it in court. 7 hours is long but if you stay a few days and the kids come down for holidays then it's doable.

I hope you work it out. It's a no win situation.
Good luck

I wouldn't stop it but I would be legally nailing down everything that has been offered.

A 14-hr round trip isn't really regularly possible over a normal two-day weekend so when would you realistically be able to visit and stay?

Will you always feel welcome and comfortable, staying in the family's property?

I think you should negotiate her bringing them to you at least 50% of the time, say for longer visits in school holidays. Or she brings them to you, and you return them.

Will they be happy with this as they become moody teens and only interested in their mates and phones?

Since she'll be working for the family business, I assume she can work flexibly and do some of the running about.

They don't get to have everything their own way. Hopefully you'll get good advice from a solicitor.

"but that they had sought legal advice and had been advised that in these circumstances it would be unlikely that a court would prevent her moving "

Of course they have, no need for you to get advice then as they've so generously passed on the knowledge they've gained.

Hey a lawyer, get ready for a fight.

If (a solicitor) said she would win then they wouldn’t be offering you all this!!

Exactly this - and yes, it does sound very much like paying you off for the kids, especially now you've mentioned the in-laws' attitudes towards your marriage

On the whole a solicitor's advice sounds very much needed

Sorry - bold fail on the header there ...

Can I ask what is the financial plan if she stays? Practically speaking I'm wondering if she can afford to live on the wage she can reasonably earn if she stays where she is or if you are in the position to pay spousal maintenance until the children are older? We are coming into a recession, there are more people looking for work than at any point in recent history, she has a large gap on her cv and no specific qualifications, a lot of lower paid work is shift work, 0 hours contracts or anti social hours, it's likely some kind of childcare will be required, she may well struggle to find anything for a while in the present climate, can you afford to support both households longer term?

I 100% believe children benefit from regular access to both parents, but a court will consider the income currently coming into the households and if those households can support a reasonable standard of living (I'm not talking about saving a deposit for a house or multiple holidays a year, but can you both live where you are now and not worry about paying for school uniform, trips, two lots of rent, council tax, food etc) when making a ruling and you need to have a workable plan before either discussing with her staying here, or taking legal action.

For what it's worth my husband and I worked in different countries for 2 years, it would have taken us 12 hours without breaks to drive it (realistically longer as would have to arrive early for the ferry etc) so one of us flew each way every weekend, which was around 6 hours door to door including turning up to the airport early, check in etc. On one side there was a 2 1/2 hour drive to get to the airport, on the other side just over an hour. I can't pretend I loved doing it, but we made it work, and actually we had a blast because our weekends were just set aside for time together, we really made the most of them, and because we were both in the location that enabled us to have a career it set us up to be in a much, much better position to be financially secure.

I am in no world saying you shouldn't have access, however it may be that travelling up 15-18 times a year and having the kids half of all the school holidays gives you good, quality time with them and allows both you and your ex wife to move forward from your split financially and independantly from one another.