Help! Family divided...

[DistraughtFather]

Hello,

A few months ago, I left my wife. No one else involved, but we had just grown apart and the romance was gone completely. We were just living as friends really, and I felt I needed more than that. We did go to therapy etc., but nothing changed, and I was comfortable it was the right decision. Or at least I was until last night.

We have two young children together (both under 10). Also, I have another child, 12 years old, from a previous relationship, who lived with us for part of the week, and with his mother the rest of the week. Immediately after the split I moved in to a friend's spare room until I could find a place to live. Because of this, I could only visit the children (of both mothers) and take them out, not have them live with me. A couple of months ago, I got my own place, and since then the children (from both mothers, but not necessarily at the same times) have stayed with me frequently (2 or 3 nights each week), although we had not yet agreed to a particular schedule.

Yesterday, my STBX wife told me that she is moving 7 hours away to the town of her birth, to live with her sister. She's taking the children with her. She's being given a job in her family business (which does sound really good for her), and says that this, combined with better access to her family for support, is a good enough reason to relocate. I don't think she's trying to be malicious, she genuinely feels that this is the right thing to do.

I don't know what to do. 7 hours each way is too far to see my kids on a weekend, so I'm going to be confined to holidays only. I only get statutory minimum holidays, so at the very best I am now going to see my children for only 5 weeks of the year.

I can't move to be nearer to them either, as I can't leave my other son behind, and there is no way his mum would move up there with us! Also, my mother is quite elderly and relies heavily on me for practical support and companionship (I am an only child, so there's no one else), and there is no way she would agree to move!

I could try going to court to stop my wife moving away, but I'm worried that the court would count the benefits of the move (really good job, family support for my wife) to adequately compensate for dramatically reduced access to their father.

What the hell am I going to do? I can't stand the thought of seeing so little of my children.

I suppose I could ask my wife to take me back, but I doubt that she would agree now - and she seems to be very much looking forward to starting a new life.

There you go then - Southampton to Newcastle flights are cheaper than the train. You could agree to fly up every other month and she flies down with the dcs the alternate month.

She'll probably be keen to reach a happy compromise with you rather than fighting so should be willing to fund some of the travel costs as she's the one moving.

I doubt any family court would support a move so far away. Possibly an hour or two at the most.
Do go to court. It is important your children's rights to see you are formally recognised. I know someone who did not go to court and hoped his wife would be reasonable. She wasn't and went ahead and moved (only a couple of hours). The court ordered her to do all transportation.

Crossed posts there. Your dcs will be worth tackling your flight phobia although of course it's not easy

@LifeSpectator

Yes, the kids are at school. They do have friends, but they aren't yet at the age (my 12 year old would be) that their friends are more important than their family.

@eggy1978

The train takes much longer than driving unfortunately.

Ah that sucks.
I think it’s a shit stick either way. Kids need their dad 100% but mum Also needs a job and family support to let her the best mum she can be.

The best interests of the children are obviously both of these things. Seeing dad and a happy capable parent.

I think by the time you hit court If you decide on that however all niceness between you and your ex wife will be done and won’t be repairable honestly. The kids will also see mum and dad fighting out over where they can live with isn’t going to be pretty either.

@Haffdonga

Southampton is roughly a 2 hour drive away from me, so not very easy. Newcastle is just under an hour and a half from where she would be moving to, so I'm not sure it would work out any quicker when you factor in waiting times at the airport and transit time. It might knock an hour off.

@RedDiamond - WTAF????
She cannot just take them 7 hours away.
It is not in the childrens best interests.
He didn't cheat. They were BOTH unhappy and decided to split amicably.

OP - this is an opportunity for your DW but is not necessarily what is best for the DC.
Please do speak to a solicitor.
You can try to stop this.

If the genders were reversed the responses here would be different. I wouuld go to court, I think it's really shit of her to do. If you don't go to the court then I doubt how much you actively care. Feel sorry for your children having their dad now 7 hours away from them - I would resent my mother if she had done that to me. I was fortunate and my mum, despite her family living hours away, chose to stay living in the same area for my childhood.

What did you expect your wife to do? Put hers and the children's lives on hold because of you and what you wanted?
Unbelievable! Kids can be brought up without the help of family. It's selfish move that will penalise the kids.

I've been in the exact same position as the ex. I desperately wanted to move back to my home town when my family and friends were but knew it would penalise my kids. I was myself that kids once, my mum moved miles away so only see my dad once a month at most suddenly and I missed him horribly. Thankfully, we moved back close by and I got to see him again weekly.

As for me, I made a life where we lived, made new friends who helped me when I needed it, and can now look back and know that I allowed my kids to grow up with both parents in their lives.

It's not about OP so much as his kids.

What do you honestly think will be best for the kids? I'm not saying you were wrong but from her perspective you left her and it's not unreasonable for her to seek a better life too.

This seems incredibly hard. There's a family we know at DCs' school with something similar but... in their case, the move the mum made was just 45 minutes. So the dad moved into the area too once their DC started school as prior to that, the drive was no problem but he felt that if was going to be around for school runs etc, h e needed to be closer. But this is an entirely different kettle of fish.

I suspect the court would stop her. I also suspect you don't want to go that route as it turns the situation into a highly confrontational one. Has she offered any ideas on how she thinks this will work? I mean, she must know the kids want to see you as regularly as they have been?

@SnuggyBuggy

I don't honestly know. I'm sure moving would be better for my STBX wife - free accommodation, a good job (almost certainly better than she could get down here), and more support (I have very little family, so less support around here). I really can't argue that it wouldn't be good for her.

On the other hand, I'm a pretty hands-on Dad, so it's difficult to see that she would get more practical support with the kids up there than she would get down here with me.

As for the kids, I'd like to think that they gain a lot from being near me, but how do you compare the benefits of having two parents around with the benefits of being with one parent who is living a "better life"?

Do you think the fact I left her makes a difference to this?

I don't think you leaving her means she can do whatever she wants in of itself but more to see it from her perspective, she's lost the security of raising her children with their father and its not unreasonable for her to want to take up an opportunity to get a better job and reduce her living costs.

My Dad moved to another country when I was 8 and he still managed to see us every other weekend. I think two happy parents is gonna be better for the children than one miserable parent but seeing the other one what? Two extra nights? Why not see your first kid every other week and these the opposite weekends?

@BlingLoving

We only had the one conversation about this so far (yesterday), and she said that I can stay in touch day-to-day using FaceTime, that her sister said I could stay in their annex for weekends if I can get up here, and that they can come to me for holidays.

That's fairly detailed so she clearly has thought about it.

Look, this doesn't seem ideal to me, but I do understand where she's coming from. If you can have holidays (and discuss the details of this - half terms etc), and can also swing a couple of long weekends, you may well find it's not as bad as you think.

The move may be in your wife's best interests, but it is not in your children's best interests. They have a right to a continued relationship with their dad and moving 7 hours away is going to make this incredibly difficult.

She wants to move for a job and for more support from her family. Why can't she look for a job where she is now? And if you shared child care 50:50 maybe she wouldn't feel she needs support from her family so much?

You need to fight this for your children's sake.

Some posters on MN allow their own limited experience to affect their advice. Do fight for your children to stay near you. You will regret it all your life if you don't.
The court will not want a family divide by the length of the country. It is equivalent to someone moving abroad to France.
Do stick up for your children's rights to have regular daily or weekly contact with you. You can do this!

@123th

Which country was it? I could get to France from here in less than one half of the time it will take me to get to where my wife is moving to!

Where did your dad stay when he came to see you? Did he book a hotel nearby and you stay with him?

How long do you think your ex sister in law will agree to put you up?
That offer might disappear at any stage.
You need to be really firm with your ex wife about your need to see as much of your children as possible going forward.
Honestly, it is best to go to court and have a formal agreement so that your children are not punished by seeing their father only in holiday time.

Go to court. I really disbelieve the intentions of dads when they don't bother.

@distraughtfather it was roughly a 3 hour flight. Where be stayed varied from with family to a hotel. He also had children in another part of the country so I do totally see where your coming from. But I think she is trying to make this work for everyone, and a long battle may not actually be in the children's best interests. You sound like a great dad, and I get this must be so tough can't imagine taking my kids away from their dad! But it there's a way you can make this work I think you should try.

She will need your permission to change the children's schools and relocate. As you have another child (their half sibling) and your parents in the area these are further reasons for the children to stay. The court would access the needs of the children.

For the record I did move away from my ex with my daughter for a better job and to be closer to my family and it was the best thing I ever did. However, I live only two hours away not the other side of the UK and my ex still sees children regularly. I was advised if it had gone to court it would have cost 10-20k! Get legal advice ASAP. You can get free 30 minutes from many solicitors. Get as many opinions as possible because lawyers will vary in experience and give different advice.

Tbh I just don't think situations where mam and dad are at each others throats going through court are ever in the best interest of they can help it. Obviously if you can't help it then fair enough!
You could always put the suggestion of them living with you full time too and visiting her a few times a month.

I feel a lot of sympathy for you, even if a couple of posters don’t!

Yes your ex wife would be much happier and more supported 700 miles for her, but she’s hardly putting her children first - they deserve a relationship with their dad, who clearly can’t just up sticks and follow her due to his other children and elderly mother. Perhaps the mother could just see the children in the holidays for a year so she realises just how hard this is for a parent! Could she not put this off for a few years - even in 4 yrs the previous child would be 17/18 and easier to leave (might be at uni), plus the elderly mother might be in care or more convinced to move with you. Even if not, the children might be able to travel independently. Really your maintenance should be minus the cost of a flight once a month (initially for you to fly up, eventually for the children to fly down). Another thing to bear in mind is that the children are going to want to see their friends up there in the holidays or go away, so you can’t even bank on having them for the holidays as they get more settled up there and more used to living without you around.