Help! Family divided...

[DistraughtFather]

Hello,

A few months ago, I left my wife. No one else involved, but we had just grown apart and the romance was gone completely. We were just living as friends really, and I felt I needed more than that. We did go to therapy etc., but nothing changed, and I was comfortable it was the right decision. Or at least I was until last night.

We have two young children together (both under 10). Also, I have another child, 12 years old, from a previous relationship, who lived with us for part of the week, and with his mother the rest of the week. Immediately after the split I moved in to a friend's spare room until I could find a place to live. Because of this, I could only visit the children (of both mothers) and take them out, not have them live with me. A couple of months ago, I got my own place, and since then the children (from both mothers, but not necessarily at the same times) have stayed with me frequently (2 or 3 nights each week), although we had not yet agreed to a particular schedule.

Yesterday, my STBX wife told me that she is moving 7 hours away to the town of her birth, to live with her sister. She's taking the children with her. She's being given a job in her family business (which does sound really good for her), and says that this, combined with better access to her family for support, is a good enough reason to relocate. I don't think she's trying to be malicious, she genuinely feels that this is the right thing to do.

I don't know what to do. 7 hours each way is too far to see my kids on a weekend, so I'm going to be confined to holidays only. I only get statutory minimum holidays, so at the very best I am now going to see my children for only 5 weeks of the year.

I can't move to be nearer to them either, as I can't leave my other son behind, and there is no way his mum would move up there with us! Also, my mother is quite elderly and relies heavily on me for practical support and companionship (I am an only child, so there's no one else), and there is no way she would agree to move!

I could try going to court to stop my wife moving away, but I'm worried that the court would count the benefits of the move (really good job, family support for my wife) to adequately compensate for dramatically reduced access to their father.

What the hell am I going to do? I can't stand the thought of seeing so little of my children.

I suppose I could ask my wife to take me back, but I doubt that she would agree now - and she seems to be very much looking forward to starting a new life.

What did you expect your wife to do? Put hers and the children's lives on hold because of you and what you wanted?

No sympathy whatsoever. You should have thought this through.

You don't get to choose how she and the children now live their lives. You gave up that right the moment you decided it was not the life you wanted.

@RedDiamond

So I should have stayed in an unhappy marriage forever?

That's pretty much the opposite of the advice usually given on here.

Would you have given a different answer if it had been my wife who left me? Would she then not have been entitled to move away?

Go to court, your children’s right to a relationship with both parents is greater than her right to move. The court focuses more on children’s rights, if you can prove they’d be harmed by being so far away from you - emotionally, their relationship with you etc - the court can prevent it. But be prepared to accept you may not be as great a parent as you think in the eyes of the court.

Did you want 50:50? So you’d have them half the time?

I suspect the family court will not support this move suggested by your ex wife.You will need to go to court over this and have a formal decision made. You will need to have a proper home with you for your children. It sounds as if you have this anyway. Good luck. Most courts recognise the importance of fathers. Do make sure you do your best for your children.

@RedDiamond

What did you expect your wife to do? Put hers and the children's lives on hold because of you and what you wanted?

No sympathy whatsoever. You should have thought this through.

You don't get to choose how she and the children now live their lives. You gave up that right the moment you decided it was not the life you wanted.

What a horrible a message to give someone, you may have no sympathy but it also seems you lack compassion too..you maybe having a bad day but that give you no right to be so cruel.

He left an unhappy marriage, what was the alternative to stay? The relationship has broken down, he left his wife not the kids!! He seems like a devoted dad and hes trying to balance the right decision for not just himself but the children too!
It can have a negative impact on the children to be removed from their father and also their other sibling.

I'm sorry distraught father I have no advice but maybe engage with a mediator who wouldve seen cases like this before?

Would it be possible to move somewhere in between, to make the journey a bit shorter? Otherwise could their mum drop them half way?
I actually think 7 hours twice over a weekend is doable if the weekend is say, once month. Could you travel up, stay nearby then travel back on the Sunday?

@Glowcat

50:50 would have been lovely, but with the age they are I don't think they'd want to be away from their mum that much (at least that was my experience with my 12 year old - we separated (in that case it was her choice) when he was very little, and my contact increased over the years to suit him). I would be happy with one or two nights in the week and every other weekend, which is roughly what we seem to be doing at the moment (although have only been doing so for a couple of months).

@Diverseduvet

Thanks for the suggestions. I would consider moving half way, but it would be really hard. I'd then have to travel (in opposite directions) to see both sets of children, and I (obviously) don't want my 12 year old (or me) to lose out with our contact, which would be much less then. His mum doesn't drive, so she couldn't meet me half way with him (and she wouldn't want to, as it's certainly not her problem that her successor is moving away!).

There's also my mother to worry about. Despite having significant health problems she is stubbornly refusing to move out of her third floor apartment (no lift!), let alone leave the area she's spent her whole life in. I very much doubt she would move with me, but it would be very cruel to move away from her.

Meeting half way probably wouldn't work if I don't move - that would mean me and my ex both driving a 7 hour round trip twice in a weekend, and the children having 14 hours of each of those weekends sat in a car. Not much of a way to spend your childhood.

Really feel for you OP, no advice I'm afraid other than talk to your ex and try and explain to her the damage it might do to your children and you. The really important thing is to keep your relationship civil and ensure you and her never slag the other one off (even if she does end up taking them to live 7 hrs away). My children have come out the other side of a divorce completely fine because we remained civil/friendly (he was only 90 mins away but still really hard for him when I moved away), my step children (all adults now) are still an emotional mess as their parents fought/used the kids against each other and constantly slated the other parents. Good luck, I really hope you can persuade her not to move.

You need to talk to a family law specialist. If you were offering 50:50 then her move would seem very unreasonable but I don’t know how a court would view her plan when you’re looking at every other weekend and a weeknight. It might be that because of the distance involved you could get an agreement that your ex would facilitate contact (drive halfway?) in exchange for you not opposing the move. It might be worth looking at relocating yourself. Not 7 hours away, but as your 12 year old is approaching the age when they could cope with an hour and a half on a train, it might make life easier if you could cut down those 7 hours.

OP do speak to a solicitor. There is a good chance that a court would prevent STBX from moving so far away - if she has a stable job where she is now, for example. At the very least the contact between you and DCs would be formalised and STBX would be required to facilitate it - assisting the handover for example by driving half way. That might make weekends here and there possible. Please don't simply accept the situation.

As for your mother, yes, it would be difficult but you’re not responsible for her.

My friends parents separated when she was little and he moved 3 hours away, they used to meet halfway every second weekend to facilitate access, would this be possible?

Your ex is deciding on this move, seven hours away is huge. I would not expect any court to expect you to have to absorb this. If you can’t come to an agreement with your ex then you really should get legal advice.

Speak to someone with experience, you could have them every holiday for instance (and they attend childcare whilst you are at work) in theory if she's the ones moving, she has to do the transportation normally

@Glowcat

I definitely feel responsible for my mother - she doesn't have any siblings, raised me as a single parent, and I'm an only child. She has no one else in the way of family. As a separate note, she would be really upset about the my children moving so far away as they and my 12 year old are her only grandchildren. I doubt the courts take the interests of grandparents into account though.

Obviously if I had to save my mum or my kids from a burning building I'd choose the kids (sorry mum), but this is a bit different.

@SaladSeason

She doesn't have a job at the moment - she hasn't worked since our eldest was born. We haven't even separated our finances yet - we still have a joint bank account! I was waiting to get things a bit settled with the kids and my accommodation before sorting all that out fully.

In a year or 2 the dc will be able to travel alone. Me and exh live about 40 miles apart. Dc regularly got a bus /train at 11, 12 +13..Use tech to keep your relationship going if visits are reduced. Try and make the move work up.

Sounds like it's all about you OP. Your wife also has her family and her needs and I'm sure would love for her kids to see her family also.

This is really hard for everyone but you yourself admit that the move sounds like a really good one for your ExW (a better job and more family support). That means that it would probably also be a better move for your dcs.

I think you need to try to weigh up very very objectively what situation would be best for your dc. Would they in the end have a happier life living near grandparents with a happy and well-paid mum but only seeing you in the school holidays or staying in the area they are now with a possibly resentful, bitter mum fighting you in court?

I'd say avoid court if at all possible. You can sink thousands for no gain and a lot of heartache. Instead try to negotiate with your ex about contact as she will be wanting the same as you - the best for the dcs. Can you fly to the new region easily? Can she cover the cost of regular flights back and forth to you for weekends? Can you agree to taking weekend breaks in the area say once a month and have them with you for half the school hols?

I get that you like the kids being close but surely their mum having a good job and support network as a single mum is also important.

There is no reason weekends couldn’t still work, have you checked the distance time wise via trains rather than driving? That way it’s a fun trip too where you can interact with the children.

A court cannot force her to stay in your city either even if they said 7hours was too far they would compromise so you could still be 3/4 hours away.

OP, you have my sympathies. Walking away from an unhappy marriage must have been hard. I can't understand why some people are berating you for that. You are trying to be involved which is great.

My 2p worth, it sounds like the move would be great for her and I don't think you should stand in the way of that. Have a chat with your HR dept about Dependents leave (statutory entitlement to time off for parents of children under 18). It's unpaid but would give you more time off in the year to see your kids. You could also talk to her about meeting up for days out with them half way perhaps?

If you're committed to being there for them (and it sounds like you are) you will find a way to make it work.

@okiedokieme

Thanks - I didn't realise the parent moving away was responsible for transportation.

@Windyatthebeach

My youngest is only 6 I'm afraid, so travelling alone is not going to be possible for a long time. Also, door to door requires about three changes, including changing in London and using the Tube, so it's not a straightforward trip. We live on the South Coast now, and my wife would be moving up to not far from the Scottish border.

Are the kids attending school?

I think you need to really discuss this with your stbx, see if she has any thoughts or suggestions. We can all make sugestions, but they wont always be workable in your possition, such as spreading holidays so you have at least one 4-5 day weekend a month , using bank holidays too , if there isnt school involved can you get some local childcare in place such as your mum, so you could have them for a week a month, or when they are still young is your stbx family job sufficiently flexable to allow her travel to you with kids for a few days, you will have to move from your idea of a couple of nights a week and every other weekend, the kids will adapt to being away for longer periods of time if thats what has to happen.

Could you get the train up north once a month and stay in a hotel?

@OneForMeToo

Trains would take much longer I'm afraid. A flight would be quicker, if I could afford it. I actually have a fairly severe phobia of flying, and haven't been on an aircraft for many years, but obviously I'd work very hard to overcome this if it would make the difference.