Can't control my anger.

[Hungrylikeadragon]

My anger/temper is problematic. It is all directed towards DH. No matter how much I tell my self I won't lose it with him, I still do.
My anger/rage causes me to shout and say offensive things, I grit my teeth and talk very aggressively, I point and have even thrown things. I have been in counselling for 2 years now and told all 3 counsellors what is going on. They always say that my anger is understandable and to try and walk away, deep breaths, go for a run etc. But at the time, I get sucked into whatever he has done to piss me off and I become a crazy ball of rage. Afterwards, I always wish I'd walked away,but at the time,all I want to do is release my emotions by shouting at him.
Afterwards, my wellbeing crumbles for up to a week. I hate myself, eat sugary foods, get depressed, can't get up in the morning and become a social recluse.

I am unhappy in our marriage and I have been planning to leave him since I've been in counselling. However, due to finances, career changes and my 2 young children who were born 18 months ago,it's been extremely tough to do little other than plan to leave. I will leave when I finally have the stability to stand on my own two feet- I am planning 1 year from now.
My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish. I am completely unheard in this marriage and there is a huge lack of care, sensitivity and understanding from him.
I do not have PND. I have been screened for this several times. My doctor has concluded that my rage is primarily due to a lack of support in the home.
DH was a great partner it seemed up until the point that I became pregnant, I was ill throughout the pregnancy and he became seemingly resentful and irritated by me becoming more needy.
We tried relationship counselling, but DH was showing up completely differently than how he does at home.
At home, he seems apathetic and selfish. I feel trapped and want to burst free.
Although I can't leave the home, he could, but he refuses to do so. He is a nice, loving, playful father who enjoys spending time with the children. But he won't be more responsible with finances, time, organisation or take any responsibility for our marriage.
I know all of this is no excuse for my behaviour but I just wanted to create a clearer picture of what is going on. I am only like this with him. I thoroughly enjoy the children most of the time and love being a mum.
The counting to 10, walking away, screaming into a pillow.... none of it is working for me. What else can I do?

See a solicitor. File for divorce.

I am in your DH's position. I still think the fault is on both sides but my advice would be to end the relationship / marriage.

You've tried counselling and 3 counsellors have said that your anger is understandable. A doctor has screened you for PND and said that you don't have it, you're just in an intolerable domestic situation.

You aren't the problem, OP. Your home life is. You need to get out. You sound like someone standing in a burning building, saying "I know the fire's a problem, but I need to find ways to cope with it. How can I stop feeling so hot?"

Why do you have a to wait a year to leave?

In the meantime, get out of the house more when he is there. Sit in separate rooms when you are both there - basically, live separately. If this is just the period before you leave, there's no reason not to just call it being separate in the same house, is there?

If he won't move out, presumably he has it quite comfy in the house? Do you wash his things, make his dinner?

When you have to be in the same room, if taking deep breaths doesn't work, how about something that channels your rage but doesn't involve actual yelling? Banging your fists on your knees? Jumping up and down? Buy an air horn?!

It seems like you have already tried everything you can think of .... Is this maybe a bit about managing expectations ? Although intellectually you have accepted your husband is not meeting your needs and you have decided to leave, emotionally you haven't ?

Em... Have you looked at grey rock , it's a way of not reacting to triggers ,( it's mainly used by people who are dealing with narcissists ) .

I think you need to turn the focus to yourself more .

The problem isn’t your anger as such, it’s that for the next year or longer you’re stuck living with someone you no longer wish to live with, or have a relationship with! You are clearly at the end of your emotional tether.

All I can suggest practically is you try the “ grey rock” technique of learning how to completely emotionally disengage. A good way to go about it in a practical sense is agree with him, say yes to whatever to end any potential disagreement, but just do what you want any way. Be all “yes dear” with him until he goes away. Turn it into a little game you play with yourself. You have to break the anger pattern. Depression can often manifest as anger & you are obviously sad to be stuck with him for the foreseeable future. Sounds like you have the “ick” and everything he does is going to get on your nerves.

If he is like this unsupportive at home he is not a nice father to his children either. He is certainly not a nice husband to you but a selfish and self absorbed one instead.

Further firm up your plans to leave via a Solicitor with a view to divorce; do not wait another year. You will find the next 12 months miserable not just for you but for your children as well. What is the atmosphere like for them indoors; they will too pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. This is clearly not the model you want to be showing them and for them to learn from.

Try to leave sooner if you can. Make a list of what you need to do in order to get you and the kids out into your own place, if he really wont leave (my ex wouldnt leave either)

In the meantime go grey rock x Good luck

The burning building analogy has really hit home!

It's all about finances.
From next year, I have more of an independent income again. At the moment, I am balancing income with childcare costs (2 pre pre-schoolers) so could not afford to go alone.
He could stay elsewhere and continue to pay our mortgage etc until I am financially independent next year, but refuses to leave. I have no family close by to stay with either. I am trapped at the moment, but have been working towards leaving for some time. In many ways,it has been positive in allowing me time to really think this through, to save and gather information. On the other hand, yes I am at the end of my emotional tether.

As a PP said- professionals have said they can see why you get angry and it is your DH/marriage.

You are not pathologically 'wrong,' you're just in a situation which isn't suiting you.

LTB- there must be a way you can do it. xxx

He is aware that the marriage is over, though?
The less you are together, the better. Are you separated in one home or still acting like a married couple?

Can you control your anger with your kids?

Are you sure you can't separate sooner? If not can you agree to live separately in the house?

TBH if someone shouted at me I would not be making any effort to support them or to listen to them. I just wouldn't care about them or their opinion at all. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband though the same.

I think shouting, losing your temper and even throwing things is really really bad especially when their are kids in the house. Even is its yours husbands 'fault' you behave like that. What would you say if he lost his temper back at you???

I'm shocked that you have had professionals tell you that you losing your temper is t your fault. Did you tell them you throw things?

You need to separate ASAP

My anger/rage causes me to shout and say offensive things, I grit my teeth and talk very aggressively, I point and have even thrown things. I have been in counselling for 2 years now and told all 3 counsellors what is going on. They always say that my anger is understandable and to try and walk away, deep breaths, go for a run etc. But at the time, I get sucked into whatever he has done to piss me off and I become a crazy ball of rage. Afterwards, I always wish I'd walked away,but at the time,all I want to do is release my emotions by shouting at him.

He makes you throw things?

He makes you shout?

He makes you say offensive things?

He has to leave, pay the mortgage and keep you when you're the person demonstrating abusive behaviour?

It's his fault you behave like that because he doesn't respond in the way you want him to when you're pissed off about something/want to have it out with him?

It's his fault? All of it? And you just can't help it?

Anybody hearing that might think the guy is trying to navigate life with an abusive partner.

@MitziK do tend to agree with what you’re highlighting here. It sounds like it’s easier for the OP’s narrative to be treating this as though she has a mental issue out of her control. In reality she can control whether she stays or goes. As it stands it does not sound like they are formally separated under one roof ? Why not just pull the plug & separate now as it’s all so toxic?

People sometimes stay even when it’s bad & plan to leave one day but have a lot of reasons - practical & financial why they just can’t leave. But in reality all it takes is for it to get bad enough then one day you could snap & leave, letting the pieces fall where they may.

Right now the OP seems to be in a toxic state of limbo & it’s like a slow poison. It’s likely she is also being abusive by her description.

we need to stop pretending that it is ok for us women to throw things & get physical because we are what, the weaker sex? You see that a lot here & it’s not exactly fair.

"My doctor has concluded that my rage is primarily due to a lack of support in the home." That's a useful way to put the blame for your external behaviour on someone else. You do have some support in the home.
What's happening is you have an Attention Problem. When you are not able to get attention from your partner you stage a Protest. Like a child throwing a tantrum. The more the parent ignores and turns away the more the child scales up the protest. So first you start with a belittling humiliating remark, then he ignores that, so you move to Phase II, pointing, forcing your body into the fight system, then Phase III, throwing things. In this phase you are blinded to your own behaviour, your kids could be distressed at these scenes and screaming and crying but all you feel is How Dare He! How Fucking Dare HE. IGNORE. ME. LIKE.THIS!
Fighting is a great way to get attention, isn't it?
You are 'only like this with him' because your attachment dynamic is being triggered. You are reacting 'as if' he is a parent of yours that you could not get attention from. The threat of being not 'seen' means your body goes into survival mode, because it thinks he is rejecting you. Threat of separation from an attachment figure is an infant's greatest fear, as that child part lives in us adults.
You need to find a way to soothe your body, by slowing down and taking time with yourself when this starts happening. First you have to learn awareness of when the triggering is starting to happen.
Specialist Anger management courses can help with this part.

Your rage might be understandable but your behaviour isn’t.

Thank you for every piece of advice/ perception of what is going on.

In terms of leaving though, leave and go where exactly? I have absolutely nowhere to go to, even more so with a pandemic. I do not earn enough money to pay for a home for myself and my children myself. I can not work more right now as I can't afford the childcare.
I don't have any options.
I think, unless you have been in a situation then it's very difficult to point and say you should do this/that.

There are usually always options, they just are less comfortable than your current set up. Have you sought out what benefits you may be entitled to ? Seen if you could get a council house in some location ? Seen a solicitor to find out what you would likely get in a settlement ? The way you just say “nope can’t afford anything” without giving any context as to prices in your area or mention that you have searched leads me to believe you may have options, but you may not like them & actually prefer your current setup on some level.

Do you have parents you could go to ? Would you consider he keep the children and you go, as it is your volatile anger which is causing chaos within the home ?

You don’t even mention if you’re looking to rent or buy if you leave. Do you mean you can’t afford a private rental in your area ? Well ok so what would be plan B? Then C? Then D? etc. if one door closes you open another. You find a way. Or you don’t & you stay. It’s up to you, are you a passenger on the boat of life or take control & steer your ship?

It can be scary but also liberating to achieve something which you previously thought you could not do. You sound unhappy. Only you can change that.

Does he agree that you have to break up? Have you bought a house together, and if so, have you discussed what is going to happen about the house? It's not unusual for the main caregiver to stay in the house until the children are a certain age. If you have't started sorting this out, you're going to have to do it sometime. Or do you have no claims to the house and are just going to move out next year without getting anything?

You still haven't described what is stopping him from going.

It sounds to me as though your hormones might be seriously unbalanced.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

You've tried counselling and 3 counsellors have said that your anger is understandable. A doctor has screened you for PND and said that you don't have it, you're just in an intolerable domestic situation.

You aren't the problem, OP. Your home life is. You need to get out. You sound like someone standing in a burning building, saying "I know the fire's a problem, but I need to find ways to cope with it. How can I stop feeling so hot?"

This. You'll never have the energy or resources to leave - he makes sure of this. You really are going to have to embrace discomfort, financial difficulty and the seemingly impossible and leave. Otherwise it will never get better and right now you risk this man being able to frame you as the abuser and to gain sympathy and assistance to take your kids away. Do not allow him this ammunition. You need to end this and you need to leave.

The behaviour you describe is abusive. Throwing stuff etc. You need to leave before you do any more damage.

@ravenmum he just refuses to leave... says it's his home and he's not leaving it. We are sleeping in separate rooms.

We own the house jointly.