Can't control my anger.

[Hungrylikeadragon]

My anger/temper is problematic. It is all directed towards DH. No matter how much I tell my self I won't lose it with him, I still do.
My anger/rage causes me to shout and say offensive things, I grit my teeth and talk very aggressively, I point and have even thrown things. I have been in counselling for 2 years now and told all 3 counsellors what is going on. They always say that my anger is understandable and to try and walk away, deep breaths, go for a run etc. But at the time, I get sucked into whatever he has done to piss me off and I become a crazy ball of rage. Afterwards, I always wish I'd walked away,but at the time,all I want to do is release my emotions by shouting at him.
Afterwards, my wellbeing crumbles for up to a week. I hate myself, eat sugary foods, get depressed, can't get up in the morning and become a social recluse.

I am unhappy in our marriage and I have been planning to leave him since I've been in counselling. However, due to finances, career changes and my 2 young children who were born 18 months ago,it's been extremely tough to do little other than plan to leave. I will leave when I finally have the stability to stand on my own two feet- I am planning 1 year from now.
My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish. I am completely unheard in this marriage and there is a huge lack of care, sensitivity and understanding from him.
I do not have PND. I have been screened for this several times. My doctor has concluded that my rage is primarily due to a lack of support in the home.
DH was a great partner it seemed up until the point that I became pregnant, I was ill throughout the pregnancy and he became seemingly resentful and irritated by me becoming more needy.
We tried relationship counselling, but DH was showing up completely differently than how he does at home.
At home, he seems apathetic and selfish. I feel trapped and want to burst free.
Although I can't leave the home, he could, but he refuses to do so. He is a nice, loving, playful father who enjoys spending time with the children. But he won't be more responsible with finances, time, organisation or take any responsibility for our marriage.
I know all of this is no excuse for my behaviour but I just wanted to create a clearer picture of what is going on. I am only like this with him. I thoroughly enjoy the children most of the time and love being a mum.
The counting to 10, walking away, screaming into a pillow.... none of it is working for me. What else can I do?

Late to the party here but finances....

Why are the childcare costs your sole responsibility- they are a shared cost, he needs to pay 50% you could then work more and save more to escape.

I have severe PMT that got way worse when I hit the menopause. I did a lot of research on PMDD and found the follow daily recommendation that have really helped:
Vit B6 50mg
Magnesium 100mg
Taurine 500mg
All available from Holland & Barrett

The miracle cure for PMDD is actually natural oestrogen, the stuff in contraceptives is synthetic and doesn't work. The cost for it was around £100 per month 😳 any fortunately the supplements have really helped without trying the natural oestrogen!

Beware blaming it all on your hormones. You might well just be finding it harder to cope with youyr dh's shit the week you are due. That doesn't mean there is no shit to deal with.

Your behaviour sounds unacceptable but your emotions sound competely understandable. I've been there.

Do you think your dh is passive aggressive? PA people know very well how to press all your buttons and sit back calmly and watch you go. They are fantastic at goading and sabotaging but maintaining plausible deniability.

The saddest thing to accept in a dynamic in which you scream and shout and they are passive aggressive, is that you are not on the same team but in a power struggle. You lose every time you lose your temper.

Unmet expectations cause anger. Sounds like you still have expectations of him but in a power struggle he isn't going to meet them because then you would win and he would lose. You can only throw off your anger by letting go of any expectations you have of him, even if those expectations are perfectly reasonable. Expect him to be an arsehole and just feel vindicated that your expectation that he will be an arsehole is correct.

Read up about passive aggressive partners. Don't let him know you're onto him though because he might up the ante to get the same reaction out of you. It's really sad and frustrating but you can't change him, only your reaction to him. This got easier for me once I realised my partner was textbook passive aggressive and how he used stonewalling and derailing and gaslighting on me and how I fell for it every time. It's upsetting that the only solution was to stop caring and stop loving him but it's better than banging your head against a brick wall.

I tracked my outbursts through my weekly diary which I've kept for years and it ws unbelievable. They all happen in the week leading up to my period. I called my doctor this morning, she spoke to me over the phone re all my symptoms. I have been having treatment for heavy periods but hadn't even considered the mood side of things and the crazy fatigue I always get. She diagnosed me with PMDD within 10 minutes and I have been prescribed a low dose antidepressant.

I told you on page one that you have a serious hormonal issue and you disregarded it, still blaming your husband. You say can control your emotions and work and with your children, but make your husband the target of your rage. This is abuse, pure and simple. Screaming, shouting, and throwing things is abusive behaviour. I'd love to see a man try to blame his wife for his lack of control. He'd be strung up on the village square.

I'm annoyed by all the ppl saying you are an abuser. Obviously the outbursts are awful and should be controlled. But you have two kids under 3 and an unsupportive spouse (from what you describe). That would also cause me to lose my shit!

I know that feeling when you're not being heard, when ur needs are ignored, and all the family responsibilities are on you, it's so awful!

Is it possible to go to couples counseling? Maybe that would make the next year bearable? And give you more perspective?

Does he help in the house ? Even if not regular? Or does he just leave you to it?

Op, glad you are getting hormones sorted. But google passive aggressive and covert (or overt) narcissism.

Your DH is stonewalling you. Blocking out your needs, refusing to hear you, dismissing your priorities such as work client.

He knows that you will - very humanly - react with anger and rage out of the sheer frustration of not being heard.

I have been there; spent 15 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. I also became deeply frustrated at being constantly blocked out; dismissed: unheard. It mad me react with anger too. I started to think of myself as an angry person, even though I had never been so before.

I am now nine months out. And have not been angry since the day I left.

Read ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven ( available under the Freedom programme which you can do online) and ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll see that not all forms of abuse involve hitting.

The incident with the client you describe is classic emotional abuse. Even better, if you can get yourself onto the Freedom programme via women’s aid locally, you’ll See that your experience is not uncommon.

Ps don’t go for couples counselling. As you have seen, it’s not suitable for people in abusive relationships, since the abuser will show up differently/ manipulate the Therapist.

Look up ‘water torturer’ description in Lundy Bancroft too.

This book really helped me see exactly what was happening in my dynamic. The author is a professor of psychiatry and talks about the deliberate under the radar actions that go on proactively to sabotage and frustrate your life - he describes it as “crazy making” for the partner - as you don’t know when you are going to come across a trap / landline.....and then the slippery gaslighting stuff.

It really erodes you.

You are in a RS with someone who not only doesn’t care for you, isn’t part of the team, but then goes on to abuse you by stealth - death by a thousand cuts and you become distracted as you can’t put your finger on it. I turned into a screaming banshee - so took total responsibility for an interaction because I lost my temper.

The end game is to drop the rope in his games - as PP has said have zero expectations, don’t rise to the goading etc.

The are often “Mr Nice Guy” to the outside world - but they have unresolved anger issues internally - often related to an over bearing or controlling mother in childhood - which they take out on you.

Read all you can on PA.

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Personality-Aggression/dp/0671870742?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Everything gutterton and walkingwounded say.

I've been down the PMDD diagnosis road OP and all it meant was that everything was handily cemented as my fault but even on pills I was still anxious, unconfident and empty. The resentment and unresolved issues were all still there.

Look at how walkingwounded says her anger went away when the relationship ended. Many women find their supposed mental health issues evaporate when they get out of an abusive relationship.

You can put a plaster on it to stop it getting infected but a wound doesn't heal while there's still a thorn in it.

Do you recognise anything in this article?
www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/06/passive-aggressive-people/

@hungrylikeadragon thanks it's been a hard road, the only thing that has ever worked for me is the Zoladex and it's honestly been life changing so far. It's not easy to get though as you have to jump through a lot of other hoops first and rightly so.

My DP can occasionally be passive aggressive which is why he winds me up so much, your husband sounds quite similar, I did think about leaving many times but things are way better now I'm more rational. I find I am able to challenge his behaviour without losing it crying screaming etc and in turn he has been really open to addressing his behaviours and has been way less passive aggressive.

To those saying you're a terrible abuser, PMDD isn't just PMS it is a serious condition that can be absolutely debilitating for those suffering it, it can cause complete personality changes at certain times of the month and is actually classed as a disability under the equality act 2010. So yes, the behaviours can be abusive but OP is not actually well at these times and she has recognised this and acted on it.

Good luck with everything - I think of you are able to see the other issues in your marriage with clarity and without hormones making you feel so angry you will be in a much better position. You'll be able to see the wood from the trees so to speak and make decisions accordingly.

Bur yes he could just be an abusive shit and if he is, it will be making your mental health so so so much worse.

Some good points from PP

That book is interesting @Gutterton - you can read quite a lot of it on the Amazon "look in the book" view - describes some of my exh's behaviour quite well, though I never thought of it as being passive aggressive. The explanation for why someone might act that way is just about what I'd worked out, though. All very theoretical reading for me now, but food for thought.

ravenmum it was an absolute turning point in my life as I had been trying to make sense of behaviours and incidents and point to things that people couldn’t see or believe from Mr Nice Guy (and as time wore on and I became more depleted and angry - everyone, including me thought it must be my fault as I got angry). It was the first time I felt “heard” or understood and there was a whole official vocabulary and narrative to explain it.

Bit like covert bullying if you called out a single separate incident you would look (and feel) unhinged / disproportionate / over reacting (which is exactly their aim) - but once you list it all down over time the pattern and totality is telling.

I wish I hadn’t wasted years trying to understand HIM whilst my MH and my DCs family life was going over a cliff - I wish I was able to feel my own feelings and know and respect myself enough that this was wrong - anyone deserved better and just walked - rather than have to figure him out - and you guessed it then take sole personal responsibility for fixing him before being that taking a further toll on my MH - because it didn’t work.