Can't control my anger.

[Hungrylikeadragon]

My anger/temper is problematic. It is all directed towards DH. No matter how much I tell my self I won't lose it with him, I still do.
My anger/rage causes me to shout and say offensive things, I grit my teeth and talk very aggressively, I point and have even thrown things. I have been in counselling for 2 years now and told all 3 counsellors what is going on. They always say that my anger is understandable and to try and walk away, deep breaths, go for a run etc. But at the time, I get sucked into whatever he has done to piss me off and I become a crazy ball of rage. Afterwards, I always wish I'd walked away,but at the time,all I want to do is release my emotions by shouting at him.
Afterwards, my wellbeing crumbles for up to a week. I hate myself, eat sugary foods, get depressed, can't get up in the morning and become a social recluse.

I am unhappy in our marriage and I have been planning to leave him since I've been in counselling. However, due to finances, career changes and my 2 young children who were born 18 months ago,it's been extremely tough to do little other than plan to leave. I will leave when I finally have the stability to stand on my own two feet- I am planning 1 year from now.
My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish. I am completely unheard in this marriage and there is a huge lack of care, sensitivity and understanding from him.
I do not have PND. I have been screened for this several times. My doctor has concluded that my rage is primarily due to a lack of support in the home.
DH was a great partner it seemed up until the point that I became pregnant, I was ill throughout the pregnancy and he became seemingly resentful and irritated by me becoming more needy.
We tried relationship counselling, but DH was showing up completely differently than how he does at home.
At home, he seems apathetic and selfish. I feel trapped and want to burst free.
Although I can't leave the home, he could, but he refuses to do so. He is a nice, loving, playful father who enjoys spending time with the children. But he won't be more responsible with finances, time, organisation or take any responsibility for our marriage.
I know all of this is no excuse for my behaviour but I just wanted to create a clearer picture of what is going on. I am only like this with him. I thoroughly enjoy the children most of the time and love being a mum.
The counting to 10, walking away, screaming into a pillow.... none of it is working for me. What else can I do?

How did you manage to stop @vikingwife ?

I don't have anger issues at work/ with the children or in any other parts of my life, juat in response to you pointing out that I could lose my job etc. For some reason, it is all directed towards DH.

I agree with a lot of your perceptions and observations but I'm looking at how I can manage this better?

Bless you you don't have anger issues you are with a dickhead. Please try and think of a way to speed up that year!!

What does he earn - how much contribution financially would you get for the children when you split?

Bless you you don't have anger issues you are with a dickhead.

Ever heard of abusive husbands saying "she made me do it"?
Yep. It's no defence when a woman says it either.

@saraclara is spot on. The current narrative to the OP is her husband sets her off, he makes her be this way. With everyone else she is fine. That is also what an abusive male partner will also claim. It doesn’t make it ok. I think the issue if we put temper tantrums aside here, is she continues to stay in this limbo state of separating under one roof, but not taking action to change her surroundings. This anger towards her husband could easily be used to harness the fire within herself she needs in order to leave this unhappy relationship.

Experiencing anger in & of itself is not unhealthy, but her way of dealing with it is. Instead of letting her husband blank her, thinking a silent “f u” then looking up rental prices in her area & govt benefits online would be more productive than throwing things & having a meltdown.

After the tantrums she is so emotionally spent she is a wreck for a week. How much better it would have been to use that anger to create actionable changes which would better her circumstances.

She only mentions her parents are not in the area & she cannot afford a house in this area (rent or buy not sure which). To me that does not sound like someone who has no options & is trapped. To me this sounds like someone who lives in a nice home & doesn’t want her surroundings to change.

Assuming nothing will change after you end a marriage is a bit naive, because things will change. It all depends how much she really wants it & if she is able to stop perceiving herself as a victim to her anger. Because that is the abuser’s mindset & no real insight comes from that.

How I managed to stop was destroy a good career by rage quitting several jobs so now lack good references.

I stopped because consequences became more unfavourable than the instant gratification of losing my temper. Being dumped by romantic partner or friend.

I took action & went to a psychiatrist & got on proper western medication - antidepressant & antipychotic. Got my bipolar under control. I didn’t faff about with herbal supplements.

You still have not mentioned why you will not consider trying proper medication. You likely need more than what herbs & supplements will provide based on what you’ve described. It’s like you claim you have this huge anger issue but don’t want to actually treat it in any practical way by moving out, getting the house sold, going back to your folks, getting on meds...

I would at this point forget talk therapy and see a proper psychiatrist. I actually don’t think you should be doing any more navel gazing & internal speculation. You need to take action & change your environment.

It’s possible it was at Johns wort you took which I heard can work for some people. The way you describe it is like trying peppermint oil to calm you down... that is like treating cancer with Panadol basically

My ex husband was like you. Getting off on screaming abuse in my face. It's easy for your GP to say your H is causing the issue at home because he doesn't know the situation. I withdrew emotionally because of the abuse. Maybe your H has done this?

Either way I suggest you end the marriage because you are not happy, and that is the bottom line.

I think your DH is the abusive one here and you will be back to your normal self when you can get away from him

Although it's wrong and terrible behaviour; your outbursts are due to the sheer weight of constantly having to push water up hill with such an obstructive deadweight of a man.

I think it would make most people want to scream if they were faced with that everyday.

Be proud that you recognise what's going on and that you are going to do something about it for the sake of your DCs and your own well-being.

Anger is not a choice, but your actions always are. We all have a second or two to stop ourselves. When we chose to hurt the other person or shout at the other person we do that because we made a split second decision to continue in that course. Anger is an opportunity for action, but that action can be to walk away, or to pursue aggressively, to hurt the person, or to take a deep breath and let it pass. We have a choice. The reason for the guilt after is because you have a choice. There is no guilt without choice. Your options might not be good ones, but you still have a choice. You don't have to let the anger out at a person, but constantly swallowing it down is not good either. If you are in a domestic situation that makes you feel angry constantly then you will have to Make the decision how to act on the feeling of anger multiple times a day. This is a bit like a smoker who's trying to quit being offered cigarettes constantly. You need to change your environment so that you can practise better self control. That doesn't necessarily have to be the domestic situation, it can just be the way you chose to look at it, but it's easier to leave, then work on your anger before being in a relationship again

My ex-DP was great until I got pregnant too. He also pushed me to the point of exasperated frustration because we weren't working together as parents or a team, he reverted to just doing what was good for him. I just couldn't understand why he would behave that way to me and especially DD.

I channelled my anger into working out how to get away and have been successfully grey-rocking him for a number of years (so no tension in the house). My situation is complex (overseas/DD habitually resident here) but you have options, particularly if you are working.

I went from upset/anguish to anger to stone cold emotionally dead and not giving him the emotion completely changed the dynamic. Your DH may not be the same as mine, but if he got me upset he almost seemed to thrive on it, he'd be jaunty and happy. It took me a while to realise but when I did and I shut that down it gave me the power back.

It sounds to me as if you have 2 issues. Firstly, your marriage sounds toxic. You say you are planning to leave as if the choice to stay or leave is something only for you. Don't forget that your h also can plan.
He is not neutral. Maybee his plan is to raise the level of hateful behaviour in the house so you leave. You certainly seem less able to cope with the ongoing style of disagreement than he is. If he's never made a move to resolve the underlying problems then he's offering you a stark choice like it or lose your sh*t....because it doesn't bother him much either way. Your children are affected by this...one of you needs to make moves to stop this asap.

The way you talk mimics what abusers say.
They only get angry at their OH, ergo it mustn't be their fault. It must be the behaviour of their OH that's making them crazy and they can't help their reaction to their OH infuriating behavior. Maybe your relationship is just mutually toxic, maybe you've just had enough of his abuse, maybe your abusive, maybe you both are. And he's obviously behaving in that example as a selfish prick, but that doesn't make your behaviour a reasonable reaction. You should be able to count on him to care for his children while you work. But you can't force him to behave in a decent way. The only behaviour you can change is your own. Is there a way you can not rely on him for child care while you work? Does he have a family member who would be able to help out for a fee? Could your family help if not too far away? Do your DC have a regular nap time you could use for client facing aspects of your work? I know these suggestions may all be useless. It's part of the strategy I used to reduce my anger at DH. Doing as much as I could with no input from him and not expecting anything from him. One of the reasons people get mad is because of unmet expectations. Maybe this is an area you don't have a choice in relying on him, but maybe there's other areas you can limit your expectations of him and disengage, thus reducing the situations that are rage causing. I think of finding ways to cope without DH good practice for when we divorce. And as a PP up thread suggested medication is also a possibility that might help. Anxiety can lead to rage. The situation he put you in re work certainly sounds highly anxiety inducing. Maybe it's worth discussing trailing antidepressants to see if anxiety is effecting you.

From the OH’s point of view every interaction is probably about trying not to ‘set you off’. Maybe he was different at counselling because he felt he could speak.

But your second problem is that you think it's ok to lose your temper and act out your anger, but it's not.

It's not working for you. It's damaging your relationship with your children ( whether you admit this or not) and it's just hurting you. It may be playing into your h hands because it gives him power or it might be making his life hell. Or both and you need to make a decision to stop. It's that hard and that easy. Ideally acknowledge that your behaviour was wrong, apologise for it and say that you won't be doing it any more.

If your arguments start by you saying 'do this now and waiting for him to do it, then you need to stop. Ask once (say please) then walk away. Don't use contempt in your tone.

If it's him not considering you then you need to state your truth...I think you leaving all of this to me is unreasonable ....I'm not going to argue but I'm asking you to stop. Then walk away. If he rolls his eyes, same thing.

This won't fix the problems in your marriage or make your h less selfish, and if he's goading you or treating you abusively for his own reasons, that will still be there in other ways...., but it will help you and it will massively benefit your children both now when they are watching and learning and later when they challenge you as part of growing up.

Sorry for the 2 part post and the essays. Good luck.

OP have you checked if your times of rage and anger coincide with your menstrual cycle? Just a thought.

I have PMDD and before I got it under control through treatment it would manifest itself in extreme anger, rage and irritation towards my DP for up to two weeks after ovulation every month.

Hormone levels were always normal as it's actually your brain's reaction to normal fluctuations. It's often triggered by a 'hormonal event' such as pregnancy. My DP is also the same in arguments - ignores, disengages, walks away..used to drive me absolutely incandescent with rage.

Just a thought.

After your post @CoconutBreath yesterday, I tracked my outbursts through my weekly diary which I've kept for years and it ws unbelievable. They all happen in the week leading up to my period. I called my doctor this morning, she spoke to me over the phone re all my symptoms. I have been having treatment for heavy periods but hadn't even considered the mood side of things and the crazy fatigue I always get.
She diagnosed me with PMDD within 10 minutes and I have been prescribed a low dose antidepressant.
Thank you so much for your post!! It all makes a lot of sense. I hope things start to improve now.
What treatment are you on for yours? Are there other ways to control it, diet etc?

How old are you OP? Peri-menopause kicks in from early 40s. I never had PMT before but developed this mental rage and ridiculous short fuse around this age - which tracked before heavy periods. That alongside insomnia, early morning waking, irritable and anxiety - all gorgeous symptoms of the peri-meno meant life was truly shocking.

Wow @hungrylikeadragon that's incredible, I'm so glad I posted because your posts just really resonated with me.

I was on a low dose ssri ( I tried 3 different ones actually) but it wasn't doing enough so I have just started a drug called Zoladex which puts you into a temporary state of menopause, my specialist (had to go down the long slow route of getting a gynae referral) says if this works in levelling out my cycle and therefore my PMDD then a hysterectomy might be a good way to go. I just need to decide if I want any more babies first as I only have one, it's very early days ok the zoladex but I'm hopeful.

Some people do find relief in antidepressants though so please don't feel put off by my experience.

There are other things that help but everyone is different. I am a member of a Facebook group called U.K. PMDD support and it has been an absolute lifeline for me - just knowing I'm not alone and having other women who understand to talk to etc. There's lots of discussion on there about natural holistic therapies, supplements and lifestyle changes too.

I also tried HRT therapy, the pill, and the coil all of which made me worse. These also work well for some people though.

It's a hard one to treat because of course as a 'women's problem' there hasn't been a lot of research into it...

It’s great you’re getting your hormones sorted but that still doesn’t account for the fact he left you high and dry with the client. That’s still an issue that needs to be sorted out. He just packed up his rucksack even though you had a client. It’s dealing with and resolving situations like that which probably need the advice of a professional for you. How do you handle it when he’s acting like a dick. My friend who has rarely lost her temper would handle that by cancelling the client by explaining its a childcare issue and offering a discount for a rebook and then working out a way to not rely on him for childcare. It’s shit but like your counsellor says you aren’t being supported which is your trigger. Would you be happier being away from him? He could then have the kids every other weekend and you could work then. That might be a better solution for you

My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish. I am completely unheard in this marriage and there is a huge lack of care, sensitivity and understanding from him.

He is treating you with contempt. You are correct he doesn’t care for you and you are not heard. He also goes on to completely sabotage your career (escape route?) by walking out on a Saturday. He has a fake persona to the therapist and he does this quietly with stealth getting the biggest kick when you explode. Double the pleasure for him.

Anyone deserves better than this. Your babies need to be out of this toxicity asap. The hormonal stuff is important and I hope
that it settles quickly - but it doesn’t erase or excuse his behaviour. I hope the treatment gives you enough relief to find space to move this situation on.

The hormone thing won't fix the problems in your marriage but what it will do is hopefully give you some clarity over what's real and what's hormones and enable you to view /discuss your marriage problems with 'clear' eyes and without losing your shit.

Also now you have a diagnoses it's really important not to let everything be blamed on the PMDD.

Yes I agree I shouldn't blame all of this on hormones completely- only my outburts of course. He is definitely a whole other problem. If I can be a little more clear headed, hopefully I can begin planning a more positive future. @CoconutBreath I'm sorry you've had such a tough time with PMDD. Looking back, contraceptives have never helped me either.

You could try looking at this another way, OP. You have expectations (e.g. your DH looking after the children when you had a client). Your DH fails to meet your expectations, therefore you express your frustration in anger leading to violence.

How about not having ANY expectations whatsoever about his behaviour - good or bad. Do not expect him to support you financially, emotionally, physically - if you have no expectations, he can not let you down. Do what you need to do to for yourself and your children to maintain a reasonable environment until you're able to move. Apart from taking pressure off the relationship it will set you in good stead for being a single parent.

I think you are also in a power struggle. You are fearful for your job and I suspect he thinks you are trying to control him. I hate stonewallers as it is contempt however how are both managing to get some time for hobbies.

He works in the week and then childcare at the weekend whilst you work. You do the childcare in the week and work weekends. Is that sustainable?