Can't control my anger.

[Hungrylikeadragon]

My anger/temper is problematic. It is all directed towards DH. No matter how much I tell my self I won't lose it with him, I still do.
My anger/rage causes me to shout and say offensive things, I grit my teeth and talk very aggressively, I point and have even thrown things. I have been in counselling for 2 years now and told all 3 counsellors what is going on. They always say that my anger is understandable and to try and walk away, deep breaths, go for a run etc. But at the time, I get sucked into whatever he has done to piss me off and I become a crazy ball of rage. Afterwards, I always wish I'd walked away,but at the time,all I want to do is release my emotions by shouting at him.
Afterwards, my wellbeing crumbles for up to a week. I hate myself, eat sugary foods, get depressed, can't get up in the morning and become a social recluse.

I am unhappy in our marriage and I have been planning to leave him since I've been in counselling. However, due to finances, career changes and my 2 young children who were born 18 months ago,it's been extremely tough to do little other than plan to leave. I will leave when I finally have the stability to stand on my own two feet- I am planning 1 year from now.
My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish. I am completely unheard in this marriage and there is a huge lack of care, sensitivity and understanding from him.
I do not have PND. I have been screened for this several times. My doctor has concluded that my rage is primarily due to a lack of support in the home.
DH was a great partner it seemed up until the point that I became pregnant, I was ill throughout the pregnancy and he became seemingly resentful and irritated by me becoming more needy.
We tried relationship counselling, but DH was showing up completely differently than how he does at home.
At home, he seems apathetic and selfish. I feel trapped and want to burst free.
Although I can't leave the home, he could, but he refuses to do so. He is a nice, loving, playful father who enjoys spending time with the children. But he won't be more responsible with finances, time, organisation or take any responsibility for our marriage.
I know all of this is no excuse for my behaviour but I just wanted to create a clearer picture of what is going on. I am only like this with him. I thoroughly enjoy the children most of the time and love being a mum.
The counting to 10, walking away, screaming into a pillow.... none of it is working for me. What else can I do?

@Aquamarine1029 they have tested my hormones and have said they're all fine. I have also been thinking the same thing but the doctor assures me it's not my hormones. I have even started taking a cocktail of herbal hormonal supplements though in the hopes they might calm down my rage for/around DH.

Have you ever tried medical grade antidepressants ? The behaviour you describe is rather extreme, more than just some herbal supplements may provide.

Depression can often manifest as anger

Do you think he would agree to leaving temporarily if you gave him a specific time frame for when he can come back? Is he planning to live in the house after you leave and pay you out, or what is the plan? This is why you should get the solicitor involved asap. Organise things in a businesslike manner and don't make it about who is right or wrong. There are laws in place about how to separate assets.
Can you make your lives separate, e.g. he uses one floor, you the other / you each use the living rooms, cook and have the kids at specified, different times? This would possibly help get the divorce through faster.

Get yourself informed, sort it out properly and you won't need to faff about with trying not to shout or struggling to survove entirely on your own with no place to live. Is Citizen's Advice open?
Rights to family home
Get a divorce step by step
[[https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/]]
Separating while living in one house

There are lots of websites offering advice to people in your situation. Hopefully you can find some advice that helps.

He’s just sticking his head in the sand. Probably thinks if he doesn’t help you financially then you’ll have to stay and he wants that for whatever reason.

Make his life uncomfortable. Don’t cook his meals. Don’t do his washings. Leave your dirty dishes in the kitchen until it suits you to do them etc. Basically do what he does (I’m guessing that’s the kind of thing that pisses you off about him). He’ll soon get the message. Perhaps he will decide he’d be better off without you! Mission accomplished!

Why should he leave? You're the one who is abusive.

When people are separating, the main caregiver would normally stay in the home with the kids. From the description of the husband's failure to organise anything within the family it sounds as if that is OP.

Your rage might be understandable but your behaviour isn’t.

That. I find it odd that your counsellors and doctor think that your actual behaviour is okay and that somehow your husband deserves it. Also your children are witnessing abusive behaviour, whatever you feel is behind it.

"My anger seems to come out when I've tried talking to him about something that is bothering me/ needs sorting out and he shrugs like he doesn't care or rolls his eyes, or stares blankly into space with his arms folded like he can't wait for me to finish."

This would make me angry too - but I'd like to hear it from his perspective. Perhaps from his perspective you start off angry and unreasonable, and this is the only way he can deal with it? You two just sound incompatible. Perhaps divorce is the best option.

Otherwise it will never get better and right now you risk this man being able to frame you as the abuser and to gain sympathy and assistance to take your kids away. Do not allow him this ammunition. You need to end this and you need to leave.

He's already succeeded. Look at the replies on this thread.

Hi OP I hear your frustration. Perhaps he sees how to press your buttons.
You really need to be mindful of the children. It will affect them.
You need to get clear arrangements with him. That is - when he should have them, you need to disengage with him too. - don’t talk to him - just get on with your own life.
You behaviour is abusive and if a man wrote this they responses maybe different.
You need to walk away.

Do you drink alcohol op?

Go and speak to the council. Go to the homeless team and tell them that you’ve split with your partner and the relationship is abusive and a terrible environment for the children. If he won’t leave, they will look to house you. Yes it may not be in the most desirable area and won’t own the property, but it will be better than this. If you really want to get out, there are ways.

Look how many threads are written by unhappy adults that have had dysfunctional childhoods. Witnessing all of this will harm them in the long term. Get out now and let them see you happy. That matters far more than money and possessions. Once you’re out, you can look at divorce and splitting of assets. If your situation is much better next year, you can look to move again or even buy but this is an emergency move to solve a desperate situation that is toxic for all involved.

Therapists saying feelings are understandable is very different from saying the feelings are being caused by the other person, and are a reasonable reaction. (And the feelings being reasonable, anyway, are different from the actions). Therapists typically validate and are accepting of all feelings as the first step to releasing shame, and encouraging the patient to have an outlet in which they don't feel judged.

Unfortunately, people often take that as justification and a way to refuse responsibility.

OP has very clearly described that she is abusive in her behavior, and nothing she describes indicates abuse from her partner... must we always twist things to make the woman the victim?

This is very difficult because we have no idea whether your anger is a personality thing or whether it's due to hormones, or whether he's responding as he is because he's fed up with living with such an angry person.

I'm surprised you haven't been advised to take ADs to help you cope with your life. You might find they make a world of difference.

Read the book mind over mood and learn to control it.

@BraveGoldie exactly - that’s why therapy is not recommended in situations where abuse is occurring, because the abusive partner often doesn’t “hear” the gentle criticisms & feels validated by therapists. They will often twist what a therapist says to suit their narrative. I too don’t believe multiple therapists have told this person her outbursts are acceptable, just that the feelings behind them are undertstandable. This is misinterpreted as “my anger outburst are understandable”.

What one suppresses the other expresses.

Sounds like a v toxic dynamic. Does he suppress anger?

Could he be passive - aggressive? (Google that)

The lack of help is a deliberately provocative act, as is the quiet stubborn dismissive approach - it’s used to push buttons under the radar - leaves you unheard, frustrated, confused, exhausted and is “crazy making” as its hard to put your finger on.

You say you can’t afford to leave - actually you can’t afford to stay......this is putting your MH right on the edge and your children are sensing, absorbing and internalising all of this toxicity into their emotional development and it will cause them distress and behavioural issues.

What was the RS like before children - was there a power balance - who looked after who?

Was he a man-child .... who now resents adult responsibilities and holds contempt for you as you are not now focused on his needs?

I don’t see how it matters what the dynamics used to be - she is throwing objects & is behaving in a volatile way. If this was reversed we would be screaming abuse - the abuser is also refusing to leave the home. He could be the laziest prick in the world. You don’t get to throw things, have toddler style tantrums & scare your children who witness/hear it all.

I think every one feels this kind of rage, OP. Some often than others. However we are all accountable for our own actions and anger or no anger, you can't say he makes you like this because he doesn't. You are being abusive.

No wonder he just stares into space, or folds his arms and peacefully waits for you to say your piece. He probably doesn't want the closest inanimate object hurtling toward him as a missile.

I think you need to find a way to leave, ASAP. Find a way to coparent together, and do not seek another life partner until you've had some very honest therapy.

You need to find a way to leave or a way to disengage. Your emotions might be completely justified, but their is no way your actions are. And I don't think any credible counsellor would have said your actions were OK. There is a big difference between what it's ok to feel and what it's ok to do. If you were my OH I would be scared of you and thats never OK. If your kids have witnessed any of these angry outbursts that's even worse. I've been on the other side of this sort of behaviour and its scary and your justifications sound just like my DH, telling me how his behaviour is my fault.

I've felt a lot of anger at DH over the last few years, but I internalise it and its mostly anxiety masquerading as anger. My anger and anxiety destroy myself rather than harming others. Recently I've been able to disengage from him by reminding myself that there is an end date to this situation, reminding myself it doesn't matter if he does xyz because soon I won't have to deal with it on a daily basis anymore, reminding myself he is never going to accept my point of view and working to let go of wanting to justify myself and my feelings to him. I've never felt the effect of DH behaviour on me would justify screaming or throwing things. Adults don't get to opt out of being responsible for their behaviour. A court of law wouldn't consider he/she made me so angry I couldn't control myself as an adequate defence and nor should they.

I see two options before you, find a way to leave very very soon or find a way not to put yourself in those situations that trigger you. If you know his reaction to you seeking support, or talking to him about xyz or getting an opinion on certain subjects will trigger you then don't talk to him about those things, don't look for him to support or help you. Disengage and seek alternative avenues supports, a counsellor is one possible support. You're telling yourself you can't help how you react, your response is never going to be OK while you're giving yourself this internal justification. It's your responsibility as an adult to either remove yourself from the situation or find a way to disengage and short circuit your rage response. If you can't disengage in the moment, the logically step would be to identify why those situations occur and work out how to stop them occurring. The only behaviour you can change is your own.

You are abusive op.

Why should he leave his home because you can't control your anger and sometimes throw things?

He's already succeeded. Look at the replies on this thread.

He hasn't convinced anyone here of anything. She's the one that posted so we only have her side and tbh that's bad enough. Women can be abusers too. So he crosses his arms and refuses to discuss things, she gets angry and throws stuff. Maybe he is grey rocking because he knows that engaging just leads to an argument. Maybe he's doing what thousands of women have been told to do in the face of an abusive partner on Mumsnet since, well, forever. But somehow because she's the woman, she should stay with the children and house and he should leave yet there is no evidence he's actually done anything to deserve any of this. Whatever he's done he doesn't deserve having stuff thrown at him for gods sake. He is not responsible for her reactions.

Not to excuse my behaviour.
One poster has suggested seeking counselling to help me deal with the lack of emotional support/understanding.
It's more than that. It's a lack of practical support too when it suits him and it's things I can't ignore.
An example would be, before lockdown, I had a client at the weekend (I work for myself) and I work every weekend. DH wanted to go do his hobby. I explained days before that, as usual, I had a client booked in and he had the DCs. Like I have the DCs when he's at work. He told me I needed to cancel as he would not take care of the DCs on this occasion so that I could work. I told him I couldn't. We needed the money and I couldn't cancel the client as I'd already cancelled the previous week as DC was poorly.
On the morning, he began packing his rucksack with every intention of still going and leaving me with DCs, telling me the client was my problem.
My pleading with him didn't change a thing. I shouted and became hysterical.
After this, he managed to get a family member to come at the last minute to take care of them.
It's things like this.
He makes life extremely difficult.
My priorities are family, finances, health etc and anything else is a bonus. He mostly a good dad until it doesn't suit him anymore. I feel trapped and everything feels harder than it should or needs to be.
Perhaps subconsciously, I have learned that if I shout and Scream, he has to act or do something differently. I hate that I do this.
It's always over family stuff.
Usually because he is planning something for himself that just can't be done at that time or hugely puts me out. Because I work for myself, he seems to think that I can cancel/change/alter my work around anything he wants to do for himself. He has done this several times. I find it unbelievably frustrating and upsetting, I feel trapped.

He could be a huge arsehole. It doesn’t give one the right to throw objects and have what sounds like a toddler meltdown. With all due respect do you children see you behave this way? Are you not embarrassed with yourself for coming across like a toddler having a temper tantrum ? It all sounds dramatic, complete with stamping your foot & throwing random objects at or around people.

You think if he sees your hurt & anger he will care - maybe he just doesn’t care & you have to suck it up & accept that.

Raging the way you are can also be considered controlling because you are trying to “get” something by engaging in this temper tantrum behaviour - attention, for him to relent & do whatever it is you want, etc.

The cycle of you feeling depressed for up to a week after does sound like the cycle of abuse. As in you’re moping, feeling sorry for yourself, acting “small” to appear docile in contrast to your meltdowns. If you were truly appalled by your behaviour you would stop it.

As someone who has struggled with anger issues when manic I can tell you one day you will pull this shit with someone else, in public, at work, one day something will make you snap & it will have more heavy consequences for you.

If the first time you threw something or had your meltdown & he noped out of there, broke up with you that 1st time etc, you wouldn’t still be pulling this act, because you would have learnt it won’t get you what you want.

Tantrums work for you right now. You get to vent & expel your anger. Just be mindful that will have a lasting effect on both your mental wellbeing & your children.

The last tantrum I had was in front of my brother’s 20 year old girlfriend. She just witnessed it, nothing to do with her. I was probably 26 at the time ? She has never spoken to me willingly again. I am written off for life. When someone doesn’t put up with your shit? That is when you learn. Sometimes those lessons involve a deep shame & embarrassment.

So however embarrassed you currently feel after one of your outbursts I can absolutely guarantee you it’s not enough shame to get you to stop. Will the shame of having your child say they prefer daddy to mummy make you stop ? Or a friend cutting you off ? Losing a job ?

Instead of spending time thinking about why you are doing this - reframe it as “why do I feel I have the right to do this ?”