Is there something wrong with me?

[Disillusioned4now]

Hi all. Basically lockdown has killed my relationship. It was new (together 3 months when lockdown hit) but it was going really well and he'd introduced me to his family. We've broken the rules 3 times in recent weeks and seen each other. But he says the spark is gone and he isn't feeling it anymore.

The trouble is, this keeps happening to me. At first, men seem incredibly keen and say things like I'm the most amazing woman and perfect etc. They kick up a fuss over my looks saying I'm out of their league etc and say complimentary things about the sex. They make future plans and introduce me to their families. But around the 3 month, 4 month mark when I'm just starting to let my guard down and feel comfortable and develop deep feelings, something just snaps and they end it.

They all seem to say they don't understand it because on paper I'm great and I'm really kind and funny etc and they're tried to shake off the feeling...but they can't and don't feel 'the thing' and see the relationship going anywhere. I'm starting to think something's missing and defective in me like something's wrong with me.

I'm almost 31 and all my peers are settled with children. And I'm starting to get really fed up and scared of heading back into the dating game to get all excited again in the beginning and then be dropped out of the blue when they suddenly change their mind. I'm terrified to be honest. Does anyone else have any experiences of this?

I think this is really common. Dating these days is so so tough. There's a sweet shop mentality amongst some daters. Try one date for a bit then move on sort of thing. There is nothing wrong with you. Some people are all about the short term good time. Are you upfront about what you are looking for? That you want a serious commitment? 31 is still really young. I wouldn't panic just yet but I know it's easier said than done.

It sounds like the guys are really ott in the beginning. Maybe if you take the overboard stuff as a warning to back off rather than proceed?

Yeah I always make it clear I'm looking for a serious relationship and they always say they want that too. The last two guys have referred to it as a relationship rather than seeing each other, referring to me as their etc and making comments about being relieved they'll hopefully never have to do dating apps again. I just don't understand what I'm missing. It's like they expect to fall in love with me but something about me stops them. The last guy made a comment about me being 'too nice'. But I don't know how else to be other than kind and supportive. I'm not a wet fish with it either I've got a temper and a sense of humour.

It really sounds like them not you. Don't settle.

I did this to my last boyfriend. It wasn't him. It was me. There is nothing wrong with you. It just wasn't right.

I definitely don't want to settle. I was previously in a 5 year relationship where I was engaged but the guy treated me very badly so I ended it. I feel like I do have high standards. And these guys seem amazing and are so lovely and everything's great. Right up until the point they just do a 360.

Why wasn't it right? Was it your head at the time? Do you regret breaking up with him?

Op could it be you get too serious too soon? I get what you’re saying they say. But I wonder if it’s because they think that’s what you wish to hear, maybe they are reciprocating.

All the things you’re saying they say is just too much for a relationship a few weeks old. So could you get too serious too soon and it makes them back off?

I tend to be the one that stays pretty cool in the beginning. Especially because this keeps happening so I try not to get my hopes up. So they are definitely the driving force behind the eagerness and excitement at the start....it seems to be later when I develop feelings, they cool off. Like they get it the wrong way round. But why are so many guys doing this to me? Why is it a pattern?

I think the term 'sweet shop mentality' is a good one. They seem to like the honeymoon period, but when that ends they move on. It's not you, it's them by the sounds of things

Have a read of the baggage reclaim website, she gives great honest dating advice. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I do think they sound as though they are possibly 'future faking' and being too keen too soon. Have a look at future faking on baggage reclaim

I honestly don't think they are though. They're definitely not players. They are genuinely really nice young men looking for 'the one'. I don't think they set out to mess me about and use me from the start.

They just never get past that like stage into the love stage, even though they seem to like me a lot at first. I just wonder if I'll ever be right for anyone. As none of them can put their finger on why.

I'm considering contacting an ex that did it as enough time has passed where no feelings are involved and he did reach out a while ago wanting to be friends. See if he can be honest with me and maybe tell me what put him off.

But it could be a whole range of things? I've gone off a guy in the past because by chance I met someone else and I felt a stronger spark, another guy I just got the 'ick' and went off him and he'd done nothing wrong, another guy I was seeing then started considering going travelling so didn't want to take it any further just in case. Etc etc etc. You sound like you're giving yourself a battering you don't deserve. My friend pre lockdown was seeing lots of people at once e.g. at least 2 dates a week from online dating and treated it like a hobby. She's keeping her options wider rather than closing her dating account as soon as she clicks with one match. She's set on meeting someone and settling down but she's not committing her time to one until way later down the line.

I like to think he hasn't come across someone else unless it's someone from his past as we're in lockdown. And we were in an exclusive relationship so I don't think he was keeping his options open. Perhaps I have a habit that gives them all the ick. Like an annoying laugh...

If you’re with guys who also want to settle down, does it all get cosy too quickly eg staying over, you cooking etc?

Yes definitely. For one reason or another (I have a few health issues like hypothyroidism that gives me chronic fatigue) the last two guys - we do always seem to end up staying in. Especially this last one, we had a run of bad luck before lockdown and it just ended up that all our dates seemed to sleepovers and takeaways at mine. We only went out for a drink 4 times and a meal out twice. Never even made it to the cinema.

That sounds like an obvious reason to me. I think it’s important to enjoy going out and doing things together. There is plenty of time for all the domesticity.

I don’t know how you expect anyone to answer this based on a couple of paragraphs. People have tried and you keep knocking back the suggestions. That could go on for pages.

By the sounds of it you don’t have any imperfections. You are attractive, funny, assertive, cool and nice. A lot of people are none of those and find loving partners all the time.

Sorry to be harsh but the reality is that most people can and do couple up. If something is really going wrong for you, then you will have do either be patient or do some soul searching with people who know you.

FWIW, Based the post and your replies, you might be asking irritating questions with no answer.

OP you could be me talking, I find it exactly the same. Im 39 with kids so not really looking for marriage or anything too serious but I cant seem to move past the stage you're talking about either. And its always them who go off me. I look at other women and genuinely wonder how they keep a mans interest. Like you I question myself and wonder what it is that puts them off, my friends say the right man will love me for me but I'm starting to doubt it. I do think online dating gives men so much choice though and they're convinced that there's someone better just around the corner. I see the same faces on pof in my area for months so they are obviously serial dating and not settling down. I just wanted to say you are not alone with this.

I agree with the “sweet shop” theory, particularly if you’re meeting these guys online. Maybe try a site for people looking for more serious relationships, or see if you can meet someone irl? I’m sure it’s nothing you’re doing. I think there can be a bit of a “grass is always greener” line of thinking these days. Like a person thinks the other person is great but then they look on tinder or whatever and there’s all these hypothetical others they can browse through. And then it’s easy to imagine those hypothetical others being perfect, because you don’t know them to have been proved otherwise.

Be patient and keep being yourself. It’s not you, it’s them.

I found a lot of blokes online dating had only just come out of long term things (or were still in them ) and after a few weeks reality sank in they weren't ready or more often they made up with their ex. My experience at least 50% of the time anyway!

Sooooo there's a pattern of tons of overboard compliments and flattery, and then some weeks of Netflix and chill, then they're off?

It sounds like they are love bombing you at the start and then they just get bored. Maybe try and not get so caught up with what they are saying in the first few months , definitely wouldn't be meeting the parents etc and just keep it casual until you get to know them a bit better first.

Although if you have CFS or similar, it may be that. Perhaps a few months in, they think that they can't cope or don't want that in their lives. Not very nice, but it does happen and better they go than stay to make you unhappy.

LemonTT Please be kind. I'm in a really bad place here at the moment. He only broke up with me last night I've had 3.5 hours sleep. And no I don't ask them irritating questions. I am very conscious of how I come across and act very easy going with them.