Is there something wrong with me?

[Disillusioned4now]

Hi all. Basically lockdown has killed my relationship. It was new (together 3 months when lockdown hit) but it was going really well and he'd introduced me to his family. We've broken the rules 3 times in recent weeks and seen each other. But he says the spark is gone and he isn't feeling it anymore.

The trouble is, this keeps happening to me. At first, men seem incredibly keen and say things like I'm the most amazing woman and perfect etc. They kick up a fuss over my looks saying I'm out of their league etc and say complimentary things about the sex. They make future plans and introduce me to their families. But around the 3 month, 4 month mark when I'm just starting to let my guard down and feel comfortable and develop deep feelings, something just snaps and they end it.

They all seem to say they don't understand it because on paper I'm great and I'm really kind and funny etc and they're tried to shake off the feeling...but they can't and don't feel 'the thing' and see the relationship going anywhere. I'm starting to think something's missing and defective in me like something's wrong with me.

I'm almost 31 and all my peers are settled with children. And I'm starting to get really fed up and scared of heading back into the dating game to get all excited again in the beginning and then be dropped out of the blue when they suddenly change their mind. I'm terrified to be honest. Does anyone else have any experiences of this?

Thanks MermaidWaves. I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. But it is nice to know it's not just me.

category21 - do you think I give it up too easily? Need to demand a while more wining and dining first? I am worried it could my CFS. Makes me worry I'll never find anyone that can deal with it. They're really great and understanding and supportive about it at first but then maybe they do get fed up.

do you think I give it up too easily?
I don't know. I'm a big fan of early shagging myself , and I think when it's the right guy it makes no difference to whether the relationship has legs. But I think if you're investing emotionally too early on and expecting them to follow through on the flattery, it gets you in a mess. Dating should continue even if you are shagging.

Your illness will be an obstacle for some people - it's a bugger, I'm sorry. But better weed those guys out anyway.

I don't think it's you, it's them. From past experience I think at the beginning of the relationship people say they're ok with things because they're on a new relationship high. Around the 4 month mark when things get in a routine it becomes apparent that they don't want what you want. I've had this a few times & we do tend to think it's us. Bet if you look at their traits, they weren't really that great for you.
Hope you feel better soon. There are some good ones put there, just takes a while to fond them

It comes down to whether you are at the same life stage and it seems these men weren't ready to go to the committed relationship stage. It's not about time, after 3 months some people have got to the moving in, snuggling in front of the tv stage whereas others aren't looking for that.

Maybe try older men or change your profile to show you are looking for commitment more strongly. I'm much older than you and things moved very fast for me but we knew what we wanted, and know what it is to have a long term relationship, I suspect younger men especially get scared and back off

Thanks category21 and Joy69. That's the trouble. I genuinely believe these last two have been 'good ones'. They really have been such lovely guys and they ended it in the nicest gentlest way you can really. I just can't seem to find a good guy that wants to stick around! And I just don't get it. I don't get how they can suddenly change their mind for seemingly no real reason. It's like there's a timer inside me that just goes off at 3 months and that's it.

I think looking at your posts you might have been playing perfect woman for the first three months and then start being your true self.
You say you're very conscious of how you act with them.... that you don't relax for three months then you do and they leave. That sounds like the answer.

So next guy just be yourself from the absolute start - fully - and see what happens!

Good luck op, don't beat yourself up. I've seen lots of my friends do this over the years. I've been with my partner almost 13 years since I was 20 and I'm nothing close to perfect... the opposite! But I've been myself with him since day one! No airs and graces, no fake shit.
Best of luck

Thanks Roxfox. I have been wondering this myself. But I honestly just cannot let go. I'm very on edge because this has happened before and I'm terrified of it happening again and now it's happened this time round....I'll be doubly scared for next time.

I'm so conscious that there's a huge thing about women being labelled 'psychos' amongst men in my generation at the slightest hint of emotion. So I do try to keep a cool head and maybe don't show my annoyance at things and end up holding it in and coming off wooden instead. Although with this latest relationship we did have an argument which I thought was healthy.

But I just stay a bit shy and nervous and formal. To look at me you wouldn't think it and they don't see me as being shy but I'm not myself and maybe they just sense that as something being off. And to be honest I don't think I do show them my true self, they always seem to leave too soon to see it.

It will be hard but I will try to relax next time and be more myself and try to impress less. The trouble is I can be myself with guys I have no interest in....but when I like a guy I get shy and come off worse.

The 'always end up staying in' thing makes me wonder if they get bored of that? If, after only a few weeks of dating, you aren't having any fun any more and just going back to yours to hang out I can see that being off-putting in the early stages of a relationship. I understand that for you as a sufferer of CFS that might be necessary, but I think I'd just started dating someone and they only ever wanted to see me at theirs to sit on the sofa I'd think 'Oh God, if it's this dull at the start, it's only going to get worse'. I'm sorry if that sound harsh (I'm not trying to be!), but that's how I'd feel. At the start of a relationship it should be about having fun, going out, trying new things together, not sitting slumped on the sofa every time you see them.

OP you sound lovely, honestly its the guys not you. I do need to tell myself that too. I completely agree with PP about lots of guys getting out of long term relationships and getting back with the ex! That does seem a common occurance. Im not sure what age bracket you're looking in as I'm searching late 30s up to late 40s and this seems to be the worst age range for men online, does anyone else agree?

Zafferana I totally agree. To be honest I think I really do try to encourage going out. A lot of the time it's been them that's wanted to stay in. I mean this relationship there was no choice really because of lockdown. We were going to go for a drive to the countryside and star gaze but it was a Friday night and he was too tired from work.

Next time though I'll try to be more conscious of slipping into that habit and put my foot down about getting out and doing things.

OP, I'm so sorry that you've had these experiences, but I do think that simply saying "It's not you; it's them" is doing you a disservice. It stops you from looking at the possibility that you actually do have agency in this, and that perhaps there are choices that you are making, or patterns in your behaviour, that mean that you set yourself up for this from the start.

I know that's not a popular opinion here on the Relationship board, but I think it's worth investigating. Maybe you're unconsciously choosing the kind of men who do this after 3 or 4 months - and that there are men who don't do this but they are somehow out of the running or not in your purview. Maybe something shifts in your behaviour around this time that is to do with some patterning that you've yet to become aware of and unpick. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you - it just means that there's something undiscovered about you that is worth discovering. If this continues, I'd suggest that it could be very productive investigating this in counselling or therapy. You could find that your experiences in your birth family somehow make these kinds of relationships untenable. You could find that the men you pick aren't really, at heart, the ones you really want, and so the relationship tails off even though neither of you knows exactly why. The fact that they can't articulate it to you tends to mean there's something at play that neither of you can quite get to grips with. So find it. It can be tremendously rewarding, and your relationships will shift and change along with you.

Thanks Mermaidwaves 😊

This last guy was a bit younger than me - 25. Had 1 major ex - very abusive to him but he remained obsessed with her for years but he assured me he was over her. And just a 1 month fling with another girl. He'd been single at least 3 years before me.

The guy before was 29 but very limited experience. Only had about 3 x 3 month relationships previously.

I always thought if they've been single a long time and are really fed up of the dating scene and they really like me and say I think all the boxes, I would have thought they'd appreciate it more. But they just fling me back.

My 5 year fiancee ex was the same age as me.

It seems as if people are single at a certain age, they just stay that way and don't commit. That's why I thought maybe a younger guy would be better before he got snapped up by someone else. But obviously not.

And to be honest I don't think I do show them my true self, they always seem to leave too soon to see it.

Just a thought here.... have you tried to find a pattern in them instead of you? Maybe it’s not a pattern of what you do but a pattern of you dating a certain type that is not right for you for whatever reason?

Maybe if you found someone who makes you feel like you can be yourself from the get go then you wouldn’t feel that pressure?

Maybe the guys you pick have a certain ideal and are not realistic so when reality hits they are off?

I know it’s hard not being nervous when you are but I noticed when you genuinely put less pressure on things or ‘care less’, you get better results. Good luck OP.

Thanks BertiesLanding - that's what I'm afraid of. But as you say, if I can figure it out then it gives me more power and control over the situation.

I think at the 3 month point is when I start to develop feelings and I probably drop hints about that that they pick up on and they panic and leave. Which is frustrating when they've been acting so keen from the start! By the time I get to the feelings point they've already started to go off me. Maybe its because I keep too guarded for too long and I need to really try to let go and be myself.

Don’t presume there is something wrong with you, OP!
Unfortunately this is the mentality of dating nowadays, he will probably reappear in a few months claiming all is forgotten.
Honestly, keep your head high, block his number and move on!

If they act very keen from the start, what you're probably doing is choosing men who are somehow insecurely attached for whatever reason. (Full on/intense rarely indicates stability.) So the relationships have their end wired into the beginning. They may also be mirroring an ambivalence in you - some kind of wariness or fear of intimacy.

But, hey, I might be projecting, who knows? :) But I think perhaps there is a grain of truth to this.

Thanks LittleWing80. I think they do tend to be fairly sensitive romantic types who have limited experience and maybe do have an idealised picture of love on their head. I think I get along with them because I'm like this too at heart. Except I've had a lot more relationship experience and I understand that they take work and commitment and aren't honeymoon period forever and have ups and downs. I think they expect it to be exciting forever.

Maybe I need to find a more chilled out bloke less in touch with his feelings. But then he stereotype is not being respected and being used as a housemaid! Such as my ex.

Maybe a happy medium exists somewhere.

I think looking at your posts you might have been playing perfect woman for the first three months and then start being your true self.
You say you're very conscious of how you act with them.... that you don't relax for three months then you do and they leave. That sounds like the answer.

This sounds plausible. You sound as if you have a very strong idea of Things That (You Think) Put Men Off initially, and when you start to behave like a normal human being a few months in, they've got used to someone very different, who is not the real you, but some idea you have about what is likely to be pleasing.

And you also say that you'd rather go out, but that the two last boyfriends were the ones to push staying in all the time -- what about what you want? Aren't you bored to death with takeaway and sleepovers? I've been with my husband since 1993 and that would bore me!

What about resolving to be yourself, rather than your idea of the Ideal Girlfriend, in your next relationship, and actively resisting the TV evenings?

BertiesLanding - do you mean that they sense my initial wariness and try to mitigate it with being extra full on to bring me round?

I find guys want to come to your place very early on, bottle of wine, you cook, tv, shag. Where’s the effort? I don’t cook for anyone these days and have no intention of it.

I met a guy recently and we went out twice. The third time he wanted me to spend the evening at his place and I knew how it would go. I declined and said I’d prefer a night out and I never saw him again.

Thanks Desertserges - I must admit I am a homebody and I am quite tempted by a film and takeaway and it usually saves money after months of splashing out on drinks for a succession of unsuccessful first dates...having said that I do get bored of it after a while. I will try to be less 'agreeable' and 'perfect' in future and be more assertive and myself. And push to go out on proper dates more as I recognise this is so important for relationships.

Igtg - wow really! That's telling. I'll keep that in mind. No houses for a good few weeks of outside dates.

Personally I'm always wary of men who shower me with compliments from the get go. In my experience they're normally narcissists.

Coronaway - I know what you mean but I think usually I can tell if they're dodgey because they do it in a more sleazy way and there are other red flags. A few from when I was younger that did this to me were narcissistic. But I genuinely believe the last two guys are genuinely lovely people. Which makes it harder. If they turned out to be dickheads then I'd class myself as well rid and lucky.