Is there something wrong with me?

[Disillusioned4now]

Hi all. Basically lockdown has killed my relationship. It was new (together 3 months when lockdown hit) but it was going really well and he'd introduced me to his family. We've broken the rules 3 times in recent weeks and seen each other. But he says the spark is gone and he isn't feeling it anymore.

The trouble is, this keeps happening to me. At first, men seem incredibly keen and say things like I'm the most amazing woman and perfect etc. They kick up a fuss over my looks saying I'm out of their league etc and say complimentary things about the sex. They make future plans and introduce me to their families. But around the 3 month, 4 month mark when I'm just starting to let my guard down and feel comfortable and develop deep feelings, something just snaps and they end it.

They all seem to say they don't understand it because on paper I'm great and I'm really kind and funny etc and they're tried to shake off the feeling...but they can't and don't feel 'the thing' and see the relationship going anywhere. I'm starting to think something's missing and defective in me like something's wrong with me.

I'm almost 31 and all my peers are settled with children. And I'm starting to get really fed up and scared of heading back into the dating game to get all excited again in the beginning and then be dropped out of the blue when they suddenly change their mind. I'm terrified to be honest. Does anyone else have any experiences of this?

I find guys want to come to your place very early on, bottle of wine, you cook, tv, shag. Where’s the effort? I don’t cook for anyone these days and have no intention of it

I met a guy recently and we went out twice. The third time he wanted me to spend the evening at his place and I knew how it would go. I declined and said I’d prefer a night out and I never saw him again

This is the way to weed out the time wasters @Disillusioned4now.

There’s nothing wrong with you as a person, you are just gullible and fall for the future faking. These men are just saying whatever it takes to get you to cook them meals and shag them.

Then when they get bored, they are off for the next conquest.

SarahMcDonald - I know that's easy to believe. Reading this I'd think that too. But honestly if you met them they're really not like that. These last 2 have been really nice guys. Not players at all.

But yes I agree this is all good way to weed them out.

Your paragraph about being terrified of being labeled and not being your true authentic self is the reason. Right there.

You need to realise it's okay to be and if they don't like it to hell with them!

Maybe some counselling will help you find yourself and be at ease with yourself. I recommend act therapy through the nhs and read two books. Women that love too much and the happiness trap.

If you want congruent and real in your life then you also have to be your true and authentic self. Like attracts like. I would never sell myself short for a guy. I've been with my other half for 14 years and I've never had to act anything other than myself. He never made me feel like I had to either. And in doing so made me genuinely love him and I will for the rest of my days.

You can have this too. Learn to like yourself. Screw the consequences of what you think will happen. It is true that the genuine people will like you for yourself.

Thanks Opaljewel. It's hard to explain. I certainly feel myself around them to a certain extent - I wouldn't be with them otherwise. But I just can't shake the nerves because I want it to go well. I'll just have to try and care less I guess.

Am I very certain and comfortable with who i am. Maybe too much. I have very little friends and i live alone with my cat and although when I do see family or friends/work night out etc I'm always seen as the funny bubbly loud one...I'm actually an introvert and dont have many close relationships with people. Only really 2 real friends and my parents. So I'm quite independent and I'm quite stuck in my ways. Having said that I take an interest in their hobbies and I'm also very flexible. It's hard to explain.

I think at your age people still want to go out and do things, rather than stay in all the time. Perhaps that is the issue?

I am very conscious of how I come across and act very easy going with them.

This among other things jumped out at me.

You say you start to relax around the three month mark and they end it. But if you’re play acting and pretending to be someone you’re not, a) they probably sense the change and feel something is off and b) what sort of relationship is that anyway where you’re not even yourself for fear of scaring men off?!

You should always be you. Right from the get go. That’s the only way you’ll make a real connection!

It's lust, they rush in to pursue you, tell you your perfect etc without really getting to know you and a lot of men will say anything to have their fun with you then discard, not that there is anything wrong with you but they decide that they don't see the relationship going in the direction or they got everything they needed and they're off.

What you can do though is telling them to slow down and to say to yourself I'm not going to trust what they say until it's proven with time and that they can follow through with their actions, you can set the pace that your happy with such as when you decide to sleep with them, when you invest to telling and accepting their offer of love, don't let them rush it.

TBH I wouldn't read too much into what has happened this time OP (even if it does mirror what's happened before). The last three months don't reflect normal life at all and after only three months if you then have three months apart it's not that surprising that the momentum can be lost from a new relationship.

What I would say though is that 25 is very young for a lot of men and they often don't know what they want at that age. If you're a 31 year old woman who is thinking marriage and kids you are at a different stage than many men six years younger. A 25 year old guy knows he's got ten more years to mess around, date, have fun. The urgency for him is not the same as it is for you and that goes double if he's inexperienced in relationships.

Your post is interesting - did you realise you listed some fairly superficial things they have given you feedback on such as your looks and sex? No mention of them telling you you both have the same values, same interests, great conversations, a good connection? Things a solid relationship is built on? I am actually wondering if you are thinking of yourself superficially - trying to please them. My suggestion to you is to be yourself - warts and all. What you want to do is weed out the wheat from the staff. What you need is someone who likes you for you. So be you and you will attract people who like you for who you are. Stops you wasting time with people not suited. I used to be someone who paid a lot of attention to my looks as it masked my low self confidence. By the time I met my hubby I was low maintainance and had stopped wearing makeup - so it was a huge surprise to me that he was attracted to me but we just clicked.

Hey I don't think this is your fault. I think perhaps you're going for the wrong type of men / the wrong type of men are going for you

Please don't blame yourself x

You say you start to relax around the three month mark and they end it. But if you’re play acting and pretending to be someone you’re not, a) they probably sense the change and feel something is off and b) what sort of relationship is that anyway where you’re not even yourself for fear of scaring men off?!

You should always be you. Right from the get go. That’s the only way you’ll make a real connection!

Totally agree with this. You say you "act easy going" which means you are to some extent not being yourself - so these men have met someone and wanted to pursue them, but that someone isn't the real you.

So it can't work once you start being your real self - and that's good because you need to find people you're really compatible with.

And don't rush to think people are saying the guys are horrible or players for wanting to just stay in and stop the dates, it doesn't mean they're horrible but does indicate they would prefer to take the path of least effort.

Agree with others it's patronising to just say to you they're missing out, they're bad, you're too good for them etc - all these things may well be true but it's so important when dating to self reflect and have good awareness of your behaviour.

You obviously have your head screwed on, maybe have a month or so to reset and do some nice stuff just for you then re enter the dating world

I think we women hear a man say something like ‘you’re perfect’ and really take it to heart, because if we told a man he was ‘perfect‘ we would mean it very literally and it’s hard to conceive of someone saying that without really meaning it. In reality the man who says ‘you’re perfect’ might just be all flushed with the novelty and excitement of the honeymoon period and get pleasure out of using strong flattering language to make you feel amazing. I don’t think they stop to think about whether you’re actually literally ‘perfect’, as everything is bathed in a kind of rosy filter that they just get swept along by. It’s not that they don’t mean it, it’s just that they haven’t put as much thought into it as we would, and when the rosy filter evaporates they realise the relationship isn’t quite right. And actually it never was quite right, it was just new and exciting.

I do agree with PP that you shouldn’t jump through hoops to be desirable to men or to doggedly avoid what you think will get you labelled as a ‘psycho’. It’s sensible to hold back a bit at the beginning (in terms of telling them how you feel etc.), but not to the extent that you’re not being yourself.

In my experience when the right person comes along it doesn’t take any second-guessing or game playing or desperately reading signals (“why hasn’t he replied to my message, he’s been online all day?”) - it just feels right and easy and you don’t have to perform. You sound really switched on and I think when you meet the right person it will feel so different to all of this that it’ll be obvious why these other guys haven’t worked out.

Thanks everyone. I don't know if perhaps my view is a little skewed because my previous relationship of 5 years was very abusive.

So perhaps now when someone is nice to me and treats me well - I think it's better than it actually is and I'm just grafteful someone is treating me like a human being? Although admittedly i think they have also been OTT and have massively led me on.

My friend said perhaps I should view them as excitable puppies and as a previous poster said, don't put too much stock in what they saw until its followed through with actions. However I thought I had done this with the last one as he messaged me good morning and good night and chatted all through the day in between without fail and got me flowers almost every 3 weeks through the relationship. But I guess I need to wait for later- post honeymoon period- actions.

If you have hypoparathyroidism, some people claim they still have symptoms when they're on the right level of thyroxine and their hormone levels are normal, something else is causing it like CFS.

CFS can be helped with treatment. It can also be linked to MH problems/trauma, which can respond to therapy and reduce CFS symptoms.

Most people find a partner and I'm sure you will.

I'm terrified of it happening again

If you're terrified of them leaving/rejecting them, they will sense that. You need to cultivate not being bothered what happens, you can do without them.

And to be honest I don't think I do show them my true self, they always seem to leave too soon to see it.

Then they're not the right guy for you.

It seems as if people are single at a certain age, they just stay that way and don't commit.

I don't think so- not at that age and if they are on the apps. The apps usually give people a place on their profile to write what they're up for- a relationship or just casual etc.

That's why I thought maybe a younger guy would be better before he got snapped up by someone else. But obviously not.

A younger person can respect you less, as they have more of a pick of people, including those their own age. They also may be less ready to settle down- 24 or whatever is still quite young.

As a PP said, apparently there is an 'expectation' on the 3rd date. This is too soon IMHO.

SarahMcDonald - I know that's easy to believe. Reading this I'd think that too. But honestly if you met them they're really not like that. These last 2 have been really nice guys. Not players at all

Well there a big problem right there. You can’t possibly know that they are really nice guys because you only dated them for about 12 weeks!

Your Op says it all
Basically lockdown has killed my relationship. It was new (together 3 months when lockdown hit) but it was going really well and he'd introduced me to his family

So dramatic ! It didn’t kill anything . It was just some guy you were dating. It’s all way too much way too soon.

You are so busy trying to make it work and get the up the aisle , you don’t stop to evaluate whether this man is compatible with you. As long as he thinks you are pretty and enjoys the meals and the shags then everything is perfect.

@LemonTT. Seriously? How rude.

Hi Op
Really interesting thread, I've never experienced this before when I was dating, I have had the opposite, men seemed to have wanted to get serious with me sooner than I did. I do have some advice, I don't know if you're doing this or not but I would say don't always be available to speak or meet up with them. Even if you want to, don't do it. Men like some mystery and chase, from my experience. 3/4 months should only the early stages, I'd only meet a bloke once a week for a date in those stages. If he started talking about how madly in love he was at this stage, even if I was, I wouldn't say it back to him.
Don't be terrified, you have so much to give to someone and the right one will come when you're not expecting.

I feel I might get criticised for daring to say this. My mother told me treat them mean and keep them keen. It's an old-fashioned idea when everybody is bleating on about communication but it works. Don't be easy going. You don't have to be actually unpleasant but he calls you rather than you calling him, you're not available at short notice etc. My mother's advice predated the book, The Rules, but it's the same thing. Choose men at a settling down age which varies depending on culture but its probably not 25. Some men tend to panic at the 3 month stage so if he starts retreating you should make yourself somewhat unavailable. Suddenly you are a challenge again.

Hi OP. I don't think you should feel bad about yourself. With online dating it is so easy for people to meet other people and easily move on. If it's any consolation to you I have been dumped a couple of times after short "situationships". It's really hurtful once you start to develop feelings.

Looking back, I haven't had great men in my life and I haven't had boundaries. On reflection is there anything you could do differently when you start to date again?

Give yourself a bit of time to get over your last relationship and be kind to yourself.

Thanks everyone. I like the advice of perhaps not being too 'available'.....this might help the relationship develop and it might help me to not get so invested and hurt.

I think I start with these goos intentions but after the slog of online dating, finally finding someone I click with and fancy is so exciting and when they're so encouraging I get my hopes up. But I really will try to care less.

But by your own admission they’re not even getting to know the real you.

You’re doing yourself a disservice with that. And not being entirely fair to the other party, tbh.

If you’re going to invest three months in someone, you’re at least entitled to be getting to know his/her true self, aren’t you?

It's like I can't help but be wary and hold back a bit due to fear like a barrier. But the very thing I do to protect myself is the thing that probably causes the problem. I'll just need to try and stay true to myself next time and be myself more and not try to impress, be agreeable etc

3 to 4 months is just about the right time to know if you really want a future with a person. I've had lots and lots of short relationships like this, and I've also had two 5 year relationships.

It sounds to me like, due to your age/the age of the guys you are dating, you are getting together with men who just aren't ready to settle down yet so they are entering into the relationship with that viewpoint.

Nothing to do with you per se. It's unsurprising that men in their 20s feel & act this way op. And maybe if you approach it with a similar attitude - this guy is great for now - the relationship will go further as the pressure will be off. And if not, on to the next.

If they aren't really looking for a commitment then it will be the same with whomever they meet. When you get to 30-something, or if you date 30-somethings, you might find a different attitude. In fact, some if the same guys who move on now would be smitten. This isn't about you.