Need to end things trigger warning rape and drugs

[Theodoreb]

Bit of back story started out as a addiction problem but has turned into a relationship issue I. used to inject amphetamine a minimum of 40g a week. Sometimes if I had money spare j would smoke crack in addition but that wasn't often and I never really got hooked on it, but I was severely hooked to the injecting of amphetamine. I lost everything to it. I voluntarily gave up my kids as I had been in a major bipolar depression episode for 2 years since the birth of my youngest daughter and I was unable to cope with my 3 dc who had special needs I felt like I wasn't giving them the life they deserved so I handed them to my mum and left. The night I left I started injecting amphetamine with my drug addict boyfriend. I even was homeless for a long time.

4 and a 1/2 years ago I gave up cold turkey I spent 6 months unable to eat or sleep and too weak to leave my bed and in absolute agony and severely mentally unwell and psychotic. I worked hard with psychiatrist to stabilize my mood and I haven't touched a drug since. I go re awarded custody of my 3 kids after a year clean and I've now got everything.

Last night I was very drunk and felt weak I arranged with a friend to go take coke. Saturday night when my mum can baby sit. But when I woke up I realized what a horrid mistake it would be for a million reasons one i got my kids ain't going to risk losing them again, two I got my life back my home nice things and have amazing holidays. I am generally happy. Lastly I know I am a addict and the coke will simply not be enough it will soon switch to injecting amphetamine again and I will lose everything and I don't think my body is going to take another period of using drugs I was very lucky to survive the first time.

I feel so ashamed that I was that weak I guess it caught me off guard as I haven't had a strong craving for about a year now so I let my guard down and that's why the craving got hold of me.

I am so ashamed I can't believe I seriously thought about touching a drug again not with all I went through really can't. I use to often use to the point id either have multiple seizures or overdose. At age 27 I was admitted to hospital for a weak on severe heart attack watch and my addiction was so severe that I walked out of hospital and shot up how could I even for a second think of going back to that life I was only a addict for 18 months but during that time I was badly beaten and raped by my ex, sectioned multiple times for hitting drug induced psychosis and homeless getting beat up by people purely cus of the track marks on my arm I even prostitute s myself for more drugs.

I feel so disgusted with myself I really do not many people have been where I was and come out of it completely clean can't believe I thought of chucking all my hard work away and everything I have. Hang on going to have to copy and paste two more posts to get the relationship problem.

Friend who is more like a boyfriemd but we always kept our relationship quiet as he is 8 years younger than me I am 32 and he is 24 we been together 4 years and he is putting pressure on me now I've said I'm not going to do it with him, he wants to know if I loved my ex more cus I did it for him.

He keeps trying to tell me it won't be like the amphetamine because I won't go as high. I'll come down before I go home, that he's already bought it for me, I said id give him the money and he said he wants sex the way he used to hear me and my ex have sex (I'm a different person when I'm on drugs). That he loves me and he will take care of me.

I'm broken hearted cus I really thought he loved me I really did but obviously not if he will put pressure on me to do this. I know what I need to do I need to walk away but it's braking my heart I love him so much and I don't want to lose him but know I have no choice. This is my last post until I get some replies I know what I need to do just breaking my heart to do it.

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you have been so strong and have managed to turn your life around.
Please don’t do the coke. As much as you love this man, you love your children more. You know what’s on the other side if you start to use again and it’s bleak. Cut this guy off for the sake of yourself and your kids. There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to turn things back around again if you find yourself back in a hole.

You seem to have a very clear view of your life and your problems and the temptations. You need to listen to yourself. However, it's always easier if you can share. Do you you have anyone you can talk openly to about this, who will have your back and help you be strong against this shit of a man and his fucking stupid ideas?

There is no chance I am going to take coke 100%. My intention is to break things off with him first thing in the morning when he calls as I can't believe he ever loved me to try and put me back where I was. I haven't done it tonight simply because I'm devastated by what he has said and I need time a good sleep and to recover mentally from finding out he doesn't love me before I'm strong enough to actually end things. I am reeling from shock really am and just need to catch my breathe before I face the next emotional hurdle in order to keep my bipolar stable and stop me getting overwhelmed with emotion and ending up bad. I am 100% ending things tomorrow and nothing is going to make me risk losing my kids. I'm not even going to see him face to face again I'm going to do it over face time.

I just want some support for feeling broken hearted and getting through my brake up.

Oh OP I wish I could scoop you up and get you away from that man, no one who loves you could drag you back into that life. He's a selfish prick at best and at worst, well he's deliberately leading you down a path he knows could end in your death, which makes him downright fucking evil.

What other support do you have? Friends, family, support worker or similar? You need to pull every bit of support around you, don't hide anything out of guilt that you were tempted, you didn't use and that's what matters, you should be proud you resisted.

He is selfish and a cunt for putting his desire for me to get high with him over me losing everything I'm sorry to use that word I'm just so angry at him. I can't believe he has said all these things. I really can't I hate him right now I really hate him. And when we first got together the coke was a small thing but slowly it's got worse and worse I know now the man I loved is dead and it was drugs which killed him it's just a matter of time before he follows physically.

Don't blame yourself for having a fleeting thought/drunken scheme. Now, you're back seeing sense again.

he wants to know if I loved my ex more cus I did it for him.

Mate, this is abusive in the extreme! What a destructive, manipulative thing to say. You need to cut ties with your 'friend' completely. He's actively trying to manipulate you into behavious that could cost you your sanity, life, children and dignity, just for some narcissistic ego boost for him.

I said id give him the money and he said he wants sex the way he used to hear me and my ex have sex (I'm a different person when I'm on drugs). That he loves me and he will take care of me.

HE IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!! This is one of the worst ones I've heard of on here. And he wants sex like you had with the bloke that raped you.

Abusers always offer to love and care for someone. They even act nice sometimes and then they do all this stuff.

I'm glad you know what you have to do. What he's doing is so extreme it's very clear cut. Please get rid of him, stay strong and never speak to him again.

You needn't say anything- just block him on everything and if he comes round don't answer the door.

If I tell anyone that I considered even if it was only for a short time the drugs they will be angry at me as they saw what I went through I usually talk to my mum but it hurt her so badly as she knew my ex used to force me to prostitue myself for drugs then would beat and rape when I got home jealous and accusing me of enjoying the sex with the guy I had just slept with for money which he made me do, so he would punish me those close to me in rl will be devastated I wanted to even for a moment considered putting everyone through that, they won't understand.

Please don't do it. I was dependent on speed for 10 years, like you I went cold turkeyand yes it was agonising. Clean 12 years then got back with the ex from that time. Got told the same as you, coke not the same as speed etc. Unlike you I was weak and took it, a little at first but then more coke and increased frequency. I realised I will always be an addict and he is my trigger. Ditched him and been clean 9 months now.
Please stay strong xx

I see my psychiatrist in two weeks he will understand and he will help me he will increase my diazepam if needed.

First of all you are being amazing , really , really amazing . I know you don't feel like it but I think you are so, so strong right now . You managed to come off a major fucking addiction , you've worked and you've worked and you've worked and you have came so far, you got your kids back!!! You have achieved so much .

I'm so sorry your friend turned out to be such an absolute bastard . Just so you know , he is absolutely not your friend so find another word for him ... The prick , the bastard , the fucking pimp.
Absolute wanker... dealers choice . Just never the friend . Even in jest .

You're winning with this , I know it's hurting like hell but you are winning , I promise .

If he really loved you OP, he would acknowledge the struggle you've been through to get to where you are today and to want to support you to keep moving forward. What a cunt he is to try to drag you back there. Cut him out and focus on your innocent little children who deserve a mother who puts them first. You sound like a strong woman OP. I wish you well.

Could you call your psych and get an earlier evaluation ?

Thank you all for all your kind words, my bipolar medication is working and I need to rest my mind right now I'll reply in more depth in the morning I just need to switch off for a bit. Hope you understand.

Theodore , addicts have times like this , they do . There's no shame in being tempted . You have overcome it . I honestly think you should tell your mum. "I had a bad couple of days , I thought about it but then I realised it wasn't worth it ". Do you think she wouldn't understand?

I'm so sorry what happened with your ex , that must have been terrifying . You are really strong , and you should feel pride in pulling this back and knowing what you have to do.

Get some rest . Goodnight

I meant to say "ex addicts" not addicts ... Goodnight x

Last message he knows it's over cus he keeps calling me even though I've said I need space which him normally respects I've muted his calls now I need space and sleep good night all.

Echoing what others have said, you have shown immense courage and strength to turn your life around OP, and to recognise that this fucker is no friend to you through his disgusting selfishness and emotional blackmail. You have shown yourself to be stronger than your addiction, so keep reminding yourself of that. Could you find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting (I think they’re running online at the moment) where you could discuss your feelings, without the risk of losing all that you hold dear, with people who understand what you have been/are going through?

You are so strong to admit all of this.
I'm proud of you for opening up and being honest, with yourself and on here.

Get rid of him, go no contact, you're worth a million of him and so are your DCs x

he keeps calling me even though I've said I need space which him normally respects I've muted his calls now I need space and sleep good night all.

Don't just mute- block him ASAP so it's less easy to slip back into it.

Could you go to an NA meeting or something perhaps, to give your resolve an extra boost?

I have bipolar, so I know how important it is to stay away from all drugs if you have it. My first hospital admission was related to cannabis/skunk.

Sleep well.

Think of how much better you feel nowadays in yourself. xxxxx

Good God, you are incredible. How strong you must be to come through that, I'm in awe of you.
Don't beat yourself up for nearly taking coke - nearly is not the same as did. You are still clean and that is what matters. Be kind to yourself!! If you find you're having problems with the temptation when you drink then perhaps knock that on the head for a while too.
You know what you need to do. Stay strong and think of all the amazing things you have done.

Your daughter is going to be so proud of you when she is older.

Your kids need a recovered mum not a dead mum! You might feel heartbreak over this scumbag but think of the heartache your children will have if you die! Cut this man out of your life and try and get an earlier appointment. There will be temptations and tests but you need to stay strong and choose the right options you've got a second chance at this with your kids, they now have a nice house and holidays with you. Do not be led by this jealous, disgusting and abusive man if you could call him that. Kids first think of their future!

Wow, I am so impressed by you.

This guy is not a good friend or boyfriend, he needs to go.

You know that.

You need a mature (not in age, in mindset), stable, person who's not into doing drugs and who drinks very moderately of not at all and who fully understands and supports what you've been through. He's not it.

Firstly, you are amazing for getting through what you have.

You have your family back, and you need to put them before this immature waste of space that is your boyfriend.

You shouldn't need to prove your love to someone doing something that could potentially make your children motherless!

Get talking to someone in real life and get rid of the boyfriend.

You've been given a second chance at life, don't waste it x