Need to end things trigger warning rape and drugs

[Theodoreb]

Bit of back story started out as a addiction problem but has turned into a relationship issue I. used to inject amphetamine a minimum of 40g a week. Sometimes if I had money spare j would smoke crack in addition but that wasn't often and I never really got hooked on it, but I was severely hooked to the injecting of amphetamine. I lost everything to it. I voluntarily gave up my kids as I had been in a major bipolar depression episode for 2 years since the birth of my youngest daughter and I was unable to cope with my 3 dc who had special needs I felt like I wasn't giving them the life they deserved so I handed them to my mum and left. The night I left I started injecting amphetamine with my drug addict boyfriend. I even was homeless for a long time.

4 and a 1/2 years ago I gave up cold turkey I spent 6 months unable to eat or sleep and too weak to leave my bed and in absolute agony and severely mentally unwell and psychotic. I worked hard with psychiatrist to stabilize my mood and I haven't touched a drug since. I go re awarded custody of my 3 kids after a year clean and I've now got everything.

Last night I was very drunk and felt weak I arranged with a friend to go take coke. Saturday night when my mum can baby sit. But when I woke up I realized what a horrid mistake it would be for a million reasons one i got my kids ain't going to risk losing them again, two I got my life back my home nice things and have amazing holidays. I am generally happy. Lastly I know I am a addict and the coke will simply not be enough it will soon switch to injecting amphetamine again and I will lose everything and I don't think my body is going to take another period of using drugs I was very lucky to survive the first time.

I feel so ashamed that I was that weak I guess it caught me off guard as I haven't had a strong craving for about a year now so I let my guard down and that's why the craving got hold of me.

I am so ashamed I can't believe I seriously thought about touching a drug again not with all I went through really can't. I use to often use to the point id either have multiple seizures or overdose. At age 27 I was admitted to hospital for a weak on severe heart attack watch and my addiction was so severe that I walked out of hospital and shot up how could I even for a second think of going back to that life I was only a addict for 18 months but during that time I was badly beaten and raped by my ex, sectioned multiple times for hitting drug induced psychosis and homeless getting beat up by people purely cus of the track marks on my arm I even prostitute s myself for more drugs.

I feel so disgusted with myself I really do not many people have been where I was and come out of it completely clean can't believe I thought of chucking all my hard work away and everything I have. Hang on going to have to copy and paste two more posts to get the relationship problem.

Thank you for all the kind mails, I can't block him otherwise he turn up at my house he often comes here (only when he's clean) and I don't want my dc knowing anything.

I have never been to a NA meeting I wouldn't know what to do I literally gave up with only my psychiatrist helping me, he increased my diazepam by a extra 56 a month and we then cut it down until I was only taking my regular diazepam.

I feel strong after a good sleep he's in work he will phone me as soon as he finishes and I will tell him then, I'm also going to tell him why as just maybe (never with me if I take him back as he will then believe I will always forgive him) but maybe he may stop for the next girl.

As far as I am concerned there will be no working this out I know a drug addict and what started out as the odd bit of coke has now turned into a addiction for him to be saying this. Not only was I addict myself but I was constantly around them while using and as my dad was also a iv amphetamine user I was constantly around drugs till age 15. I know when someone has gotten to the point when the drug takes over. I'm not willing to be in a relationship with a addict.

There will also be no working it out as I can never forgive him for this, and I can no longer trust him to even be around as although I haven't had a craving in a year I know now that if I have one and I am with him he's going to take advantage I can never trust him again. Without trust there's no relationship.

I don't feel any craving left now, I don't normally feel it when I'm drunk either although it can happen but I haven't felt a strong craving in other a year. I have a online friend who has been clean of same drug and method a year longer than me. We've never met she lives in the states but she's who I talk to when I feel urges and I mailed her last night she will help me.

I am ready and I am strong enough to tell him.

You can do this. You sound very strong.

You are showing amazing strength and courage. I hope you are proud of yourself.
Addiction is no joke and it never really goes away and every time you fight the temptation you win more and more.

Get that scum bag and his nasty words out of your life. You've enough to contend with without him pulling you down.

Keep winning OP. This thread has made me feel so many emotions in just 2 pages. Congratulations on turning your life around

Well done OP. You might be angry with yourself for being tempted but you didn’t actually go through with it. Craving is a fact of being an addict I’m afraid, especially after a drink. I still get cravings but sensibly I’ve cut off all my avenues to buy. I could of course find new ones but common sense reasserts itself long before I even go hunting.

Tel this utter scumbag that you do not want any more contact from him, and if he tries to contact you you’ll be getting the police involved, and he doesn’t want the law to shake him down, does he. Then you bloody well stick to it, and if he comes near you you call the police immediately. Make sure you block him on absolutely everything, and anybody else thick with him as well.

People won’t be angry with you for being tempted, they’ll be proud of you for resisting. I really do think you should draw in all the support you can get. This man is an utter scummer and you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

Like me you’re sensible enough to know what’s on the line, and exactly what’ll happen if you relapse, and that amount of wisdom and insight is hard won, so you are doing well, really you are. Also having the knowledge to understand your bipolar, know when you feel out of sorts and act on it is a huge achievement. It takes a lot of strength to feel the pricking of a manic high and sound the warning alarm, rather than think ‘yippee, here we go,’ even though you know it’ll end in disaster, so a huge well done again.

You’re doing amazingly, keep on your game and keep it up.

I just told my friend, she wants to mail him but I need to do this myself and then cut all ties as if I don't I won't be as strong in my resolve to stay away. I'm going over my friends Saturday when I should have been going up his. He won't get violent at least I don't think he will, however I didn't think he'd say and do what he's done.

I also damn sure ain't gonna listen to no words saying "I'll give up the drugs just don't leave" as I know being a addict giving up just cus you don't want to lose a partner never works, giving up is hard you have to want it as badly as you want the drugs and you have to want it for yourself.

But I want to tell him why, I want him to know I dk why this is important but it is I guess I want to face him and get it over with so I can deal with all the excuses and empty promises and sorry's and have it all over with we live in a small town and I will bump into him so want to face him tell him by FaceTime and get everything sorted and over with so that he doesn't catch me on a weak day.

Also listening to music to stay strong and staying away from love songs and our songs or sad songs, I'll need to stay calm after I've told him I'll listen to all the sad songs to help me grieve this loss and cope with the emotions I'm going to have. I've lost too many people to drugs but he's left me no choice either I lose him to drugs or I'll end up losing everyone else and even myself to drugs, my dc been through enough I won't do this again to them.

He is vile. Just remember, you've done this by yourself. You got clean. You got your kids back.
Don't let this guy near them. Tell them he's a bad person.
You don't love him more than you love your kids.
You don't love him more than you love your life.

He is severely abusive. He is telling you he wants to beat and rape you. Block him. Get a restraining order on him.
Call the cops if he turns up at yours.

Sounds like a good plan OP.

As the PP's say, you are awesome. xxx There are online meetings such as online.ukna.org/ if you want them. And a chat here nachat.net/na-chat-network/ Loads of other online meets around too. xx

@Nomoredickheads thank you I'll take a look.

I just treated myself with some things to try and get my hair to curl nicely as usually it ends up frizzy so bought a diffuser and curl serum and a curl moose, trying to do something to keep me going no matter what it is it's all coming tomorrow so excited to see if it works sorry know that's random just trying to get things I can focus my mind on.

Good for you OP. Concentrate on things that will make you and your DC happy, and if that’s curly hair then go for it.

It sounds like you’ve got this. You’re clear about what has to happen and you’re under no illusions about what’s on the line, so all power and strength to you sister.

@Theodoreb
Firstly you should be really proud of yourself, to pull yourself from severe addiction and get your life and children back is inspirational.

I think you already know that you need to get away from this 'friend', someone who truly loves and cares for you would not try to bring you down like this. The coke would be a slippery slope for you but he doesn't care he just wants sex. His words say he loves you but his actions are the complete opposite. He may be able to take coke and stop but experience tells you that you can't and all your hard work would be destroyed. He would run for the hills if you fell back into addiction.
Is there anyone who can support you with this in real life? A counsellor or your Mum.

He is not able to just use cocaine ive seen him slowly slipping for a while now. When we first got together he wouldn't use around me, then he started using when I went up, then about 6 months ago he stopped coming down when I had my kids as much as he wanted to sniff coke instead.

I know what he wants he doesn't want me back on amphetamine he wants me to go on coke with him and stay on coke, but it won't work like that.

Before I went on the amphetamine I was arrogant, thought cus I'm strong I'd be able to walk away at any time, didn't think it would hook me in. Was so angry at my mum my dad, life and kept using my poor childhood and bad luck with mental health as a excuse for why it was ok and not my fault I was using. Everything he's saying to me I said to myself before I did that first amphetamine.

Even if I don't end up on amphetamine I could end up on coke and that's a expensive habit one I cannot afford and I could still lose my kids even from the odd line of coke if I were to get caught, and I think as it's like £40 a gram of cocaine and only £5 a gram of amphetamine which is stronger I won't stick with the coke.

He won't leave me he is sinking and like any drug addict he is drowning and trying to pull all those close to him down with him so he won't drown alone.

It's selfish but addiction always is you don't care and your morals change and all the things he's saying I've heard since I was 8 years old. As that's when I caught my dad injecting amphetamine, as my mum was mentally ill when I was a child I spent most of my time with my dad and after I was aged 8 the drugs got hold of him and he stopped caring about what I saw and started taking me with him as opposed to only using when I wasn't there.

His friends made a thousand excuses I've heard them all I've spoke them myself trying desperately to believe them
While deep down in my heart I knew they weren't right.

Then when I was 15 I turned my back on my dad as I had slowly watched him die inside with the drugs and when I was 15 I couldn't even recognize the person I was seeing anymore. Then when I couldn't get myself out of a bipolar depression and couldn't care for my kids I had nothing to fight for and I knew it must stop the pain somehow as otherwise they wouldn't do it. But as time went on it hurt me way more than anything else ever has in my life.

He's just mailed me to say he will phone me at 5:30 he finishes work at 5 so will tell him then I refuse to watch him drown I've seen enough I should have done this earlier when I saw the signs he was slipping the weight loss using through the week stopping social activities to use instead. He is dying and there is nothing I can do about that only he can.

He called me in work, he never does that before I could even speak he tried saying he had already sold it he was sorry for saying what he did. He must of known something was up.

I told him it's too late I have no trust now, he asked how could he have broken the trust when he hasn't slept with anyone and I said I would have found that easier to forgive but to most people it may not be as bad but to me what he did was way worse than cheating.

He said all the usual stuff I'm sorry, please don't do this, I'll come out of work now we can talk and I said no and he begged me to go up Saturday to prove to me he can not take the stuff and it's me he wants not that. I said he has to give up for himself and to let me know when he's had 6 months clean and he cried a lot. I feel bad for doing it while he was in work but couldn't pretend everything was ok and say the usual stuff like I love you and can't wait to see you. I been many things but I've never been a liar or fake not even when I was a addict did I lie to anyone except myself.

If I used I was honest and if I did something wrong and was asked about it I told the truth it's always been a matter of me having self respect for myself that if I'm able to do something I'll able to own it and that I'm too strong for lies.

He even tried saying we will go public he will tell all his family that we not just friends and I said I waited a long time for you to say that but now it's worthless as I know you only doing it to not lose me and that you won't give up drugs you'll just catch me on a weak moment and I'll end up doing it, you'll get me drunk and one day I'm going to be weak and I will give in and I can't I said.

He asked me do I not love him I told him I still love him and a part of me always will but I can't go out with him and turn a blind eye to the drugs no more, I said it's killing me and I don't want to see you do this to yourself and if I stay I am enabling you. You can't ask me to watch this I said.

So it's done I feel broken and pretty upset.

So now for the sad songs to get the emotion out so I don't get overwhelmed by emotion and then I can move on.

You have done brilliantly. You have climbed out of the pit of your childhood and addiction to reach the mountain top that he his trying to pull you down from. That was an epic journey at the top are you and your gorgeous DCs in that hard won love bubble. You are staying up there. You know it.

Be clear on your goals and expectations on the call. You are ending it, you will decide and declare the boundaries. You need a monologue with a clear cut end so that you are not left with his pleading, false promises, twisted addict speak polluting and preoccupying your mind for months. You are not taking anything in from him - you are just calmly decluttering your head so that you have emotional space to settle yourself back into focusing on loving, joyful and hopeful activities with your DCs. You want a calm and peaceful head, home and life.

Write down some short statements that you can read out to him. Practice saying them out loud before. Have generic statements ready to stop him derailing you. (No. That’s not what I want. No. I won’t be doing that).

Just keep rinse and repeating your messages. Give him a maximum of 10mins. You need to preserve your mental stability and remain calm and dignified and that’s enough. Tell him you will be blocking and deleting him on all communications and SM, not to approach your home or family and friends. Request he respects your wishes and sees that these are necessary for you and your DCs.

Be calm, confident, clear, resolute.

Get support from wherever you can to fill the void and interrupt any urges to contact him and any intrusive thoughts.

You are powerful and strong you have achieved more than this before.

Crossed posts - you’ve done it. Well done.

You have amazing insight and high emotional intelligence. Keep focused.

What a remarkable woman you are to have survived all that.

You need to tell this guy clearly and firmly, preferably by text or email that you do not want him to make any further contact with you. The moment he does contact you (because let's face it, he doesn't care about your boundaries or welfare), you go straight to the Police and report him for harassment.

Could you also reach out to a local substance misuse service for some relapse prevention support? You've done absolutely brilliantly to resist his influence and maintain your abstinence, but you don't have to do it alone, there is help out there for when addicts have a wobble.

I would get some support for your addiction. The psychiatrist is treating your bipolar, sounds like that's going well. But you can't medicate away these cravings. They are part of who you are now. They might be occasional and not very strong, they might be constant and suffocating, but it's because once you have been addicted your brain always sees that as an option no matter how much your life changes. I2 steps, other groups through the drug service, 1:1 with a drugs worker. These things help in ways that a psychiatrist cannot. It's important to make new social connections. I would recommend the freedom program too. Obviously lots of these aren't running right now, but there are online 12 step meetings. It can be really helpful to hear other people talk about things and realise that that's your thought process too! And to find other people who are recovered. 💕

Don't be angry you were tempted, be proud you said no.
It's amazing you pulled yourself out of addiction once but you may not be able to do it again.
This man is not good for you. Any man who wants to see you on drugs rather than your own self isn't worth your time.
Keep the coke his problem don't let it become yours. You sound a strong woman, you know first hand the consequences of addiction. Tell him to fuck off.
You sound like an amazing woman to have got as far as you have. Keep going. Have the life you want.

you can't medicate away these cravings.

@3LittleMonkeyz Obviously, getting help and evidence-based treatment from a consultant for a mental health condition will go some way towards staying clean, as it'll help stop the person self-medicating as they won't feel as much of a need to because they're already medicated.

Of course, any other sensible types of help are great too.

The women facilitating the Freedom Programme etc are still doing Zoom meetings of various kinds in some areas until we're allowed to meet in real life again. Mine just started a programme called 'Own My Life,' www.ownmylifecourse.org/which we've had one session so far in a group of 8 and seems quite good. @Theodoreb it's worth getting in touch with any facilitators nearby. freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

You have done amazing!
There's no shame in being tempted. You're human! You should be massively proud of the fact that you have resisted. You're strong and you've got this op.
Get rid of the arsehole boyfriend completely. He is no good and will continue to chip away at you trying to get you to relapse. You explained up thread what'll happen if you touch coke and where that will lead you.
If he want's to use then that's up to him but you don't have to entertain it nor him.
You've come so far, keep it up!
It is not worth it and neither is he.

@NoMoreDickheads

Sorry that was badly written. Yes obviously mental health care is paramount, but it is not the full picture. It is a brilliant foundation. Once you are clean, sober and properly medicated for psychiatric conditions then there is still work to be done to maintain long term recovery, but that work can not be done without the stability gained through abstinence and mental health care. It's like a triangle and the OP has two of the sides nailed, but it's only once the triangle is completed that it becomes strong enough to withstand the vulnerability of relapse.

I've seen mental health issues derail abstinence, abstinence and mental health recovery derailed by lack of community/social support, they all interlink

I haven’t read the full thread. You are fucking amazing, Your are brilliant, you are strong. I’m so glad you have fought the urge to not go back to the drugs. Get away from your boyfriend, cut him out of your life completely. Concentrate on you and your lovely kids and the lovely life you have.

You’ve got this xx

@3LittleMonkeyz Agreed. x

Thank you all it is true I have no help for my addiction problems, and no one I can talk to without them getting angry. My mum is brill with everything but the second I say I'm struggling with the cravings she shouts at me and gets aggressive so I won't talk to her. I dk what I'm going to do to get support yet I'll think about that another day when I feel better, I know I won't do 12step as it really doesn't feel right for me. I may go to drug aid and get a support worker as I feel most comfy with that.

I am coping ok on one side I feel extremely sad and vulnerable and just generally broken, on the other I feel more at peace now I know the temptation is completely gone, I feel less agitated and irritable.