Need to end things trigger warning rape and drugs

[Theodoreb]

Bit of back story started out as a addiction problem but has turned into a relationship issue I. used to inject amphetamine a minimum of 40g a week. Sometimes if I had money spare j would smoke crack in addition but that wasn't often and I never really got hooked on it, but I was severely hooked to the injecting of amphetamine. I lost everything to it. I voluntarily gave up my kids as I had been in a major bipolar depression episode for 2 years since the birth of my youngest daughter and I was unable to cope with my 3 dc who had special needs I felt like I wasn't giving them the life they deserved so I handed them to my mum and left. The night I left I started injecting amphetamine with my drug addict boyfriend. I even was homeless for a long time.

4 and a 1/2 years ago I gave up cold turkey I spent 6 months unable to eat or sleep and too weak to leave my bed and in absolute agony and severely mentally unwell and psychotic. I worked hard with psychiatrist to stabilize my mood and I haven't touched a drug since. I go re awarded custody of my 3 kids after a year clean and I've now got everything.

Last night I was very drunk and felt weak I arranged with a friend to go take coke. Saturday night when my mum can baby sit. But when I woke up I realized what a horrid mistake it would be for a million reasons one i got my kids ain't going to risk losing them again, two I got my life back my home nice things and have amazing holidays. I am generally happy. Lastly I know I am a addict and the coke will simply not be enough it will soon switch to injecting amphetamine again and I will lose everything and I don't think my body is going to take another period of using drugs I was very lucky to survive the first time.

I feel so ashamed that I was that weak I guess it caught me off guard as I haven't had a strong craving for about a year now so I let my guard down and that's why the craving got hold of me.

I am so ashamed I can't believe I seriously thought about touching a drug again not with all I went through really can't. I use to often use to the point id either have multiple seizures or overdose. At age 27 I was admitted to hospital for a weak on severe heart attack watch and my addiction was so severe that I walked out of hospital and shot up how could I even for a second think of going back to that life I was only a addict for 18 months but during that time I was badly beaten and raped by my ex, sectioned multiple times for hitting drug induced psychosis and homeless getting beat up by people purely cus of the track marks on my arm I even prostitute s myself for more drugs.

I feel so disgusted with myself I really do not many people have been where I was and come out of it completely clean can't believe I thought of chucking all my hard work away and everything I have. Hang on going to have to copy and paste two more posts to get the relationship problem.

It's not about him, it's the addiction calling you. Focus on your kids, nothing else.

He got a mutual friend to mail me asking could he get his stuff, I said once kids are asleep I will let him know.

That’s fine. Do what suits you in your own time. If you want to respond tonight do, if not don’t. If it suits you to bag up his stuff and have it collected from your front garden at a specified time and date - just let them know.

You have been really, so amazingly strong, to mess it up now would be mental. This guy doesn't sound right for you at all. You need to be with someone really clean; someone who barely even drinks. Those people exist, and they could love a life with you because you are clean now. That is what you need and deserve 100%, you need toavoid anyone who likes getting shitfaced, in any way, maybe especially Class A's but probably anything. Don't let your kids down now.

I spoke to him I said he can pick his stuff up in the morning on his way to work he won't have much time to talk that way although I've had his mum on the phone to me asking me what's going on that he won't stop crying and says I won't speak to him.

She says we been so close for so long she doesn't understand why I would throw our friendship away. I told her it's not my place to say and to speak to her son about it it's his choice what he tells her nothing to do with me going to block her number now.

He's gone to hers to stay which makes me feel better I know he will be ok now she will take care of him.

Well done OP. xxxxx

There are lots of groups that aren't 12 step and they will also have online chats/meetings. I went to SMART Recovery a couple of times instead of AA and that was really good.

With 12 step you can just use it for group support, purely because there tends to be a lot of it around so it's very easy to find a meeting. I agree with you about it, but you can take what you want and leave the rest.

@Nomoredickheads thank you I wouldn't mind the group and getting to know other recovered addicts I guess I always felt like I was alone and didn't fit as I don't really know anyone who injected and got clean, a lot of other drug users look down at people who inject so I've always been frightened to go to them out of fear I will be thought badly of. Do you think if I go they will still look down on me as I'm clean now?

I think if you went to a meeting no-one will look down on you, IDK if people at an NA meeting ever would've- was that your experience?

It would seem to me to be against the whole spirit of 12 step to look down on someone's 'rock bottom.'

If you found that at one particular meeting, I would just try another one, I doubt it'd happen again. Mainly it's just people sharing their stories.

You are amazing! To have come back from such a dark time and get your life so on track that you have your babies back in your arms and your home!

Good for you for realising the temptation was there and being so determined not to give in! Good for you for knowing your worth and not giving yourself and your progress to a selfish man who would ruin everything you have achieved!

You've got this! Don't forget how far you have come x

No I haven't been to a meeting it's just that a lot of people judge me who are still using thinking they are better than me cus they never used a needle. My mum says it's their way of making themselves better because they feel bad about the fact that I'm clean now and they arnt. So I've always stayed away from most groups and usually just talk to my friend from America whose poison was the same as mine.

You don't have to go for the program, you can go for a chat! There will be people who try to advise/bully you into doing the 12 steps, but you really don't have to. And there are alternatives. But realising you are not alone is the most important thing. I like to go to places that remind me that I am not fundamentally selfish and uniquely traumatised. I'm not beyond the point of no return, un-rehabilitate-able, unloveable, broken. I'm just somebody else who's been through a lot of shit and had some poor coping strategies and some good ones.

When I spend too much time alone I start to believe that I am the only one who has ever been in that much pain. My head tells me to drink, use, have unsuitable sex with whoever, self harm, binge eat, starve myself, overdose, etc. But when I spend time around other people who have been through the same things or similar things I start thinking: "maybe I'm an ok person" "I have been really strong, actually" "if they can do it so can I" etc. My disease tells me I might as well be drunk drugged or dead but my recovery tells me that there is life after the hell, there is love, there is hope, there is peace, there is a happiness I have never known before.

I stop being so spiky and angry and shrunken and become open and loving and grow. There's not a pill that does that, it's social. Psychiatry is wonderful, don't get me wrong psychiatrists have saved my life, but so have friends in recovery

@Theodoreb

I remember somebody once sharing that, when they hear a using addict say they have never done something so they are not that bad, she always adds 'yet' to the end. So they haven't used needles YET they haven't lost their kids YET they haven't been homeless YET etc. Since then I have seen it unfold. I have seen a morally superior coke sniffer turn into an injecting homeless junky, that happened because he thought it couldn't. He thought he had a choice over what happened after he started using. I check the paper for recent deaths for people like him. Some of my old friends have found their way in there after they started using or drinking again, many WAY before their time. They got to have their "yets" I don't see that as some kind of karma for their judgements, I see it as dreadfully sad. Them judging others was them feeding their denial, and that denial eventually led them to hell. I don't wish that hell on anybody. But they are not superior, most times they are sicker than you

@Theodoreb At a meeting the people who share often mention their 'rock bottom' stories. I think if anything they're competitive as to how grizzly their stories are sometimes. I said I wasn't that bad really at a meeting once and they really didn't like that.

You could try an online meeting of some kind first, that way you mightn't feel so exposed.

@Nomoredickheads and@3LittleMokeyz thank you so much for your support I will give it a go see how I feel can't really judge it unless I give it a go.

Why the hell were you going out with an addict? You are in addict in recovery, there’s no such thing as 100% never again, being clean is an ongoing process. I hope that this experience scares you into accepting that complacency is your Achilles heel.

You’re so strong to have got through all that and keep being so strong, be proud

One of the biggest problems you have to having noone you can talk to when you are struggling with the addiction. I recently rang samaritans for support about something that I didnt feel I could talk to any of my friends/ family about (I was physically abusive to my husband on 2 separate occasions). They were honestly so kind to me, they didnt try to fix anything or offer any solutions, they just listened. So if you really need someone to just listen they it's worth considering them. You are doing so well OP

Don't let anyone's judgement put you off OP
This is in your PAST. It's something you've overcome after making bad or wrong decisions.
You need to be proud of yourself and fuck what any judgey fucker thinks. That applies for all things in life not just this haha

Thanks all for kind words. I feel better today I've curled my hair it looks great. Going to go over a different circle of friends for a while.

Hope your evening is going OK, you sound amazing and you are determined to make the right choices. You've got this!

If I knew you, social distancing notwithstanding, I'd give you a big hug and tell you I was very, very proud of you.

Oooh, the hair sounds good.

Glad you've got some decent friends to mingle with. Have fun. xxx

If I knew you, social distancing notwithstanding, I'd give you a big hug and tell you I was very, very proud of you.

I’d come too.

And your DCs are lucky to have an inspirational mother like you. Have fun.

Oh love you have been through so much. I had a bit of an amphetamine habit in the 90s and have been in some truly horrifying situations, mainly associated with drugs and alcohol and predatory men.
I know I have addiction issues and have to be really careful.
Please try and keep yourself safe, occupied with healthy activities, even consider aa/na/ca even if you’re not in active addiction.
Cut out the negative influences.

@3LittleMonkeyz

You don't have to go for the program, you can go for a chat! There will be people who try to advise/bully you into doing the 12 steps, but you really don't have to. And there are alternatives. But realising you are not alone is the most important thing. I like to go to places that remind me that I am not fundamentally selfish and uniquely traumatised. I'm not beyond the point of no return, un-rehabilitate-able, unloveable, broken. I'm just somebody else who's been through a lot of shit and had some poor coping strategies and some good ones.

When I spend too much time alone I start to believe that I am the only one who has ever been in that much pain. My head tells me to drink, use, have unsuitable sex with whoever, self harm, binge eat, starve myself, overdose, etc. But when I spend time around other people who have been through the same things or similar things I start thinking: "maybe I'm an ok person" "I have been really strong, actually" "if they can do it so can I" etc. My disease tells me I might as well be drunk drugged or dead but my recovery tells me that there is life after the hell, there is love, there is hope, there is peace, there is a happiness I have never known before.

I stop being so spiky and angry and shrunken and become open and loving and grow. There's not a pill that does that, it's social. Psychiatry is wonderful, don't get me wrong psychiatrists have saved my life, but so have friends in recovery

I completely identify with this post