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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Reading MN has made me realise that the way our family deals with situations isn't normal. How would you have dealt with this scenario?

40 replies

evenhope · 23/09/2007 12:37

Title says it all really. It's not until you hear how other people react to situations that you realise your own family is odd. This is the scenario I had in mind, happened some 18 years ago.

ILs had the kids at their house and had the travel cot for them. As we left, we told them to leave the cot up until we got back and we would dismantle it.

FIL decided to be clever, and tried to put the cot down ready for when we got back. Of course he couldn't do it, tried to force it and broke it. We weren't able to use it again and it was quite an expensive one.

In keeping with the family way we said nothing to FIL but just fumed about it. We couldn't afford another one so that was that.

Would you have said anything to FIL/ asked him to have it mended/ buy a new one? How would you have approached it?

I know this particular situation won't repeat but this is typical of interactions with other family members and nothing gets resolved.

OP posts:

maisym · 23/09/2007 12:38

speak your mind next time - bottling things up isn't good.

SpawnChorus · 23/09/2007 12:42

Hmmm it was 18 years ago. TBH I don;t know how I'd have reacted at the time, but I do know that I wouldn't still be mulling it over 18 years later! That strikes me as the most unusual aspect of the situation.

Chattyhan · 23/09/2007 12:44

did you tell them it was broken?

i would have said to MIL that it was broken and the reason we had said to leave it was because it was so fiddly! i would have said i knew he was only trying to help but we now have no travel cot! i wouldn't have asked for a replacement but i think MIL would have insisted. I wouldn't talk directly to my FIL because we're not very close and if DP said anything it would be tactless and probably turn into a row!

bookwormtailmum · 23/09/2007 12:46

I'd have asked him to get it mended but perhaps he was trying to be helpful?

My xp broke my dd's buggy on a day out once so I made him give me the money for a new one since it was out of guarantee and it would cost roughly the same to get it mended. Have to say baby equipment seems to need a degree in engineering to be able to put up or down .

Original poster

evenhope · 23/09/2007 12:47

I haven't actually been fuming about it for 18 years! My mum tried to force my new buggy down last week rather than wait for us to do it and it reminded me, that's all!

The family way is to say nothing, so needs changing but my mum accuses me of shouting at her if I say something she doesn't want to hear and DH says nothing to his parents as a matter of course We need to change but it's hard and I just wonder what other people do.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 23/09/2007 12:48

blimey, it was an accident, Iwouldn't have said anytging either

foxinsocks · 23/09/2007 12:48

lol spawn

I would have expected FIL to say something to me not the other way round. Maybe he didn't realise he had broken it? I probably wouldn't have said anything either - they might have offered to pay but I would have turned it down (but I wouldn't have fumed I don't think).

foxinsocks · 23/09/2007 12:50

I think you're on a hiding to nothing trying to change the way families work, especially if you're trying to enforce it upwards (i.e. parents, grandparents).

If you want things like that to change, best way is to start downwards with your own children and yourselves (i.e. you and dh) and hope for the best!

missbumpy · 23/09/2007 12:59

Not sure I would have said anything because it sounds like he was only trying to help and it was an accident. I would have hoped that FIL would have offered to help pay towards buying a new one but I wouldn't have given him a hard time about it. Accidents happen!

belgo · 23/09/2007 13:00

Id have been annoyed, but I don't think I'd have said anything.

sleepfinder · 23/09/2007 13:57

er, it was 18 yrs ago and an accident. LET IT GO!

princessmel · 23/09/2007 13:59

What chattyhan said.

DottyDot · 23/09/2007 14:00

I would have said something, but in a jokey way and only because I'm bolshy with the in-laws. Mine have got an endearing habit of re-setting the TV channels when they babysit. Don't know how they manage it and we've been through how to use the 1 remote control (it's not like we've got lots of high tech stuff), but they've done it several times - the worst thing is having to train ds's which channel cbeebies has got to! So I have a good old moan about that. And also FIL not taking his shoes off when he comes in the house. Grrr...

LadyTophamHatt · 23/09/2007 14:01

I doubt I would ahve said anything, accidents happen etc etc but I have to say its abit wired how you;re still fretting about it 18 years later....it was travel cot, not your childs leg or something.

LadyTophamHatt · 23/09/2007 14:02

but if one of my family had broke I knwo without a doubt they would have told me.

gibberish · 23/09/2007 14:06

I'd have been annoyed but said nothing. We don't air our grievances within the family about minor things otherwise we'd be at each others throats every day! Things blow over soon enough and I think that being able to swallow your annoyance and let it go rather than confronting whoever has annoyed you helps to keep the peace.

Ofcourse, if it is something major or someone in the family has seriously upset me, I will speak up about it.

theStallionOfSensibleness · 23/09/2007 14:06

18 years ago?????get over it

funnypeculiar · 23/09/2007 14:08

Humm, agree that remembering the incident is almost the strangest thing about this. He was trying to be useful, he arsed up, you pretended it was OK. Not sure how else you expected this one to go...

Did your FIL apologise?

What what did you want him to do - offer to buy a new one?

I assume the issue is that 'the family way' is not to express annoyance/frustration? DH's family also do this. My family express frustration very, very well
I have just found non-confrontational ways to tell them when I'm not happy. And learnt to grin and bear it when it's really not a big deal,
EG. When ds (first child/first grandchild was born, PIL + BIL ended up down here soon after birth (due to complicated circumstances) & stayed a few days. Drove me insane - wanted my house, my baby, my space. DH couldn't bring himself to say anything. I had quiet , calm conversation with MIL (who is most emotionally aware) and she totally understood - they were out of the house 1.5 hours later

I would
a) forget everything that's gone on to date. Well, try and forgive it
b) decide how you want to tackel things/what your model is - something calm, reasonable, emotionally secure for you all
c) take a deep breath and do it next time.

Sorry, bit of a ramble

grumpyfrumpy · 23/09/2007 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elizabetth · 23/09/2007 14:13

It doesn't sound so much like the problem is that you didn't say anything to him but that he ignored what you had told him (to leave the cot alone) and interfered with it and broke it.

Does he/did he behave like this a lot or was it a one off? If it was a one-off then not saying anything was probably the best policy but if he often ignored what you told him then perhaps it would have helped to speak up.

Original poster

evenhope · 23/09/2007 18:28

WWW & missbumpy, it's not an accident when someone has told you not to do something, you do it and break their things... had he left it, as we'd asked him to, it wouldn't have happened.

LTH and sleepfinder as I said I'm not actually fretting about it (except getting a flash-back seeing my mum struggling with our new buggy- grrr)- it's the fact that as a family we don't say anything... there have been loads of things in the last few years where I've needed to say something to my mum or the ILs but I can't. When I try, it all blows up (so it's my fault)

funnypeculiar No he didn't apologise and although this was a one-off, it's what happens in the family on both sides. I/we say something- they ignore it then when something happens it's just left. That was the whole point of the thread really, that when things happen I/we don't say anything or end up being the bad guys. Other people on here seem to be much more capable of actually sorting things out with family and being able to get their point across.

OP posts:

dissle · 23/09/2007 18:34

ooh, this is true of my dhs family, they never say any thing about anything.. then i arrived on the scene. now mil actually has the courage to speak up to fil,
im no gobshite dont get me wrong BUT i do speak up if appropriate.
i have spoken to mymil about stuff that has happened between her and fil and i am flabergasted that she has said nothing , absolutley speachless at times.

now tho, she is able to get a message across when required!

lljkk · 23/09/2007 18:38

I think evenhope's family avoid conflict at all costs, and doesn't communicate well in general about negative feelings. That's what the examples she described suggests to me.

Which could be considered (hope the Americanism dosn't offend) quite a dysfunctional way for a family unit to operate, yes, it does sound odd.

lljkk · 23/09/2007 18:43

... my or DH parents would have apologised profusely for these breakages and offered to pay to replace, without any prompting. They would take responsibility... suppose ILs didn't... I would feel pushy to insist they pay so would probably drop it, but would come to resent them over the years and not trust them to go near my stuff in case they caused more damage.

I think you'd have to run a lot of risks if you try to change the way these dynamics work -- presumably they're all elderly and they won't change now if they don't want to, or think it's their idea to change.

Cappuccino · 23/09/2007 18:57

it sounds like you don't trust them

why couldn't you show fil how to do it rather than him waiting with the travel cot for your magic touch

"My mum tried to force my new buggy down last week rather than wait for us to do it"

show her how to do it then, they're only trying to help but you are being a bit control freaky imo

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