Reading MN has made me realise that the way our family deals with situations isn't normal. How would you have dealt with this scenario?

[evenhope]

Title says it all really. It's not until you hear how other people react to situations that you realise your own family is odd. This is the scenario I had in mind, happened some 18 years ago.

ILs had the kids at their house and had the travel cot for them. As we left, we told them to leave the cot up until we got back and we would dismantle it.

FIL decided to be clever, and tried to put the cot down ready for when we got back. Of course he couldn't do it, tried to force it and broke it. We weren't able to use it again and it was quite an expensive one.

In keeping with the family way we said nothing to FIL but just fumed about it. We couldn't afford another one so that was that.

Would you have said anything to FIL/ asked him to have it mended/ buy a new one? How would you have approached it?

I know this particular situation won't repeat but this is typical of interactions with other family members and nothing gets resolved.

I would have thought Hmm just one of those things; not said anything; and then adjusted my expectations accordingly. I recall years ago when I was still very young a nice distant relative (older; cousin of my dad's) having a look at my new camera and breaking it - I didn't really know what to say, so chose to make nothing of it. Which I think was right. (This was much more than 18 years ago, so hey we all remember these things.)

And as to the adjusting expectations - eg if I'd ever been in same situation with that particular person's I would have made sure whatever it was didn't get handed over for examination. I do realise that might be easier said than done with eg the buggy-ambush - but if you have your wits about you you can head these things off. And as to the waste of emotional energy re having to head them off - well, that's life I think.

Dysfunctional.

See 'my mother has cut me out of her life - long sorry'

You will recognise your family in that thread somewhere!

I feel for you, you are clearly the one person who has healthy emotions and trying to change the way you react/work with your family. Notice you are the only one...because your family/pil don't seem to be doing much of the changing!

All you can do is...

a) change the way you behave around them. I see you have tried standing up for yourself and the response has been for your mother to shout at you. If your children said to you in the tone of voice/what you said to your mother..to you, how would you react? Then put that reaction against that of your mother... I think you will find yours will be an empathetic response, no matter how it was put across.

b) separate/limit contact from family.

See the thread above and see what you think. You may not agree with what we have done, but you will find some acknowledgement of your feelings towards your mother/pil

xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/241761#scaddmsg

That's the thread I was talking about!

xx

i understand what you are talking about. my inlaws annoy the hell out of me, just little things they do or dont do. and i keep it all bottled up and never say anything to them for fear of bad feeling. im not good at talking about awkward situations, so usually if something is on my mind i have a little moad to dh, who sticks up for them. so i let it go and just fume over it, and remember every little thing they do thats upset me!

Agree with Cappuccino.

But I wouldn't have said anythng about the travelcot, I don't think.

18 years ago and you're still thinking about it?

Would have been irritated and had a rant then a giggle with DH about it probably and then I would have forgotten it. Would also probably have said to IL's that kids would not be able to stay there as we DONT HAVE A TRAVEL COT ANYMORE!!!!

Message withdrawn

omg people on this site are completely barking

if the best example you can find to illustrate your point with is 18yrs old, i'd be inclined to suggest there isn't that much of an issue.

I used the wrong example obviously but thanks to those who have actually constructively answered my post. As I said I wondered if we were abnormal and clearly we are. Ally thanks for the link.

Cappuccino my mother was trying to force the buggy down when we wanted it left up and hadn't asked how to do it, because clearly she is better than us at doing everything so didn't need to ask. We were on holiday and had just walked back into our accommodation. I was sorting out the baby and DH was in the loo- everything has to be done now with her.

PregnantGrrl my most recent example with the ILs involved them agreeing to babysit while we were away (not a holiday) then bringing the boys back home a day earlier than agreed and leaving them alone overnight, but I didn't really want to get into nit-picking of what they've done because that wasn't the point.

mrsmcready if you don't have anything constructive to say why post?

the bit about your mum made me laugh!! my mum is exactly the same. if she asks me to do something, i have to jump up and do it straight away or else she gets the hump with me!! everything has to be done straight away with her too!!

evenhope - I was brought up to admit my mistakes - and to point out, as kindly as possible, those of others and to help them overcome them. My partner was brought up to cover his mistakes up and to be very nasty to other people when they make mistakes.

So we have to find a different way of interacting .

Every family is different but I do think that calm, rational explanation every time is the best tactic. ILs are difficult to manage, though.

Evenhope

Your family is mine, nothing ever gets talked about or resolved. Conflict is avoided at all cost, somehow we all manage to sweep it all under the carpet and proceed with our lives...

Until, the next conflict - when everything blows up again with greater intensity...
Its incredibly unhealthy.

Your welcome

I think you have made a big positive step posting on here to see what other people's experiences are. For you that is a big step forward, acknowledging things are not okay in your family. Next step is the biggie, doing something about it.

I say good for you.

xx

My family never discuss anything directly with the person involved. They just say nothing and talk behind your back instead. I speak my mind and then they still say nothing.

It did strike me though that it was you who said nothing. Your game therefore? Or was that because your DH didn't want you to?