Another irrational fight over nothing - please help me to rationalise

[LockdownBlues]

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 months. We've been spending most of our free nights together either at his house or mine, so at the start of lockdown we moved in together to my house.

Things have been lovely, but over the last few days we've had some blazing rows over irrational stuff. We have a history of huge arguments - DP suffers from self esteem and abandonment issues due to the breakdown of his previous relationship. His ex was a narcissist and a compulsive liar (I've seen plenty of evidence, not just taking his word on this), so he's incredibly sensitive.

Our rows over the past few days have always started off with me being a bit grumpy / short with him over something totally inconsequential. He then over reacts, tells me he thinks I'm criticizing him (I'm not), and tells me he feels everything he does is wrong. He has a fiery temper, so every argument has resulted in him shouting, and packing his bag to go back to his house, but backing down when I beg him to stay.

This morning, we were tense after the past few days of arguing. It was our last morning together before he goes away for work for a week - so I guess we were both feeling the pressure. We were lying in bed together having a cuppa before he left, but he was engrossed in his phone rather than talking to me. I asked him to put his phone down - I think I nagged him a bit, but he accused me of having a go at him. He stormed out, I begged him to come back, and we had a huge argument about whether I'd had a go at him or not! He's now left for work, and I'm gutted that once again we've had a massive row over nothing.

I feel like we've both wound ourselves up into a Catch22 situation where if I say anything in the wrong tone, he assumes I'm 'having a go at him' and we then argue about it and it turns into something MUCH worse.

I'm gutted - he's gone away to work now, I won't see him for a week.

Is it just lockdown blues?

His Ex might be all the things he said she was, it still doesn’t excuse his abuse of you. Stop waiting around for the less abusive version of him to show up, this is who he is and it appears he doesn’t want to change. Get Rid!

I think he can't see the difference between me being short/grumpy and me criticizing him. So he over reacts.

Its more acute at the moment, I think because of cabin fever due to lockdown. He doens't have the resilience to say 'oh stop nagging' and just get on with things.

I'm not blameless either - I do go on at him if I feel my point isn't being heard. I am moody, and struggle to control my moods by being short and uncommunicative at times.

But I feel like everything I've done has triggered him this past few days, and I'm helpless to stop it. He gets himself so wrapped up in a rage that he accuses me of saying things I didn't say, so then we argue about whether I said that, and it removes the focus from what the argument was about in the first place.

Fucking hell, why do you put up with that? You've only been together for a year, it's meant to still feel pretty rosy at that stage surely. I was with a guy with a temper, I'm usually quite a quiet chilled out person but we had some blazing rows. He was very insecure and extremely clingy. It lasted 6 months.

I get that you are an understanding person and can see what his issues are, but you don't have to put up with it. Can you see that you're going through a cycle? You say something, he overreacts and you beg for him to stay? And you know what? He loves that you beg him. It makes him feel wanted. And so the cycle continues.

Have some respect for yourself and cut him loose. He's got issues and this won't stop - you can't fix him.

I think part of it is his worry that we're not going to see each other while he's at work. So we're both massively over sensitive

Just seen your other post - he will not change and stop blaming yourself. Healthy people are able to communicate without resorting to yelling and storming off in a tantrum. You are walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger him. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Fuck that.

He has a fiery temper,

Bin. That's not pleasant to experience or live in expectation of.

shouting, and packing his bag to go back to his house

This is verbal and emotional abuse.

I feel like we've both wound ourselves up into a Catch22 situation where if I say anything in the wrong tone, he assumes I'm 'having a go at him' and we then argue about it and it turns into something MUCH worse.

What you describe is him making a performance of being wound up, not you. It's a way of trying to control you, trying to get you to tiptoe around or not say if you're unhappy with anything.

I would never be with a man with a temper. I find it very difficult to be around (due to my father- he wasn't usually physically abusive, but we had to walk on eggshell/live with a volcano) plus you don't know if he might act on that 'temper' (attempt to intimidate you, and eventually turn violent. Few people expect that of their partner, but what you describe is probably part of what leads up to it.

Doesn't matter why he's doing it so don't put up with it because you think he has issues. His behaviour isn't ok, whatever he uses to justify/excuse it.

Can you see that you're going through a cycle? You say something, he overreacts and you beg for him to stay? And you know what? He loves that you beg him. It makes him feel wanted. And so the cycle continues.

Yes absolutely. I think there's a definite cycle. He knows that by threatening to leave, it completely removes my control of the situation so that all I can do is beg him not to go.

We've talked a lot about these arguments over the last few days, Ive said that when he starts to over react like that I will just disengage to remove any fuel from his fire. I did that the other day and he just kept going, winding himself up more and more and more while I just agreed iwth him and asked him to stop. He threatened to leave that night too.

You don't want to rationalize it BTW- that's a bad thing.

Don't try and make excuses/reasons for it, or minimize it. You don't have to learn to live with it. What you're feeling is reasonable, and not wrong.

What you describe is him making a performance of being wound up, not you. It's a way of trying to control you, trying to get you to tiptoe around or not say if you're unhappy with anything

Yes that's what I feel. Whereas he says he feels like he can't do anything right and feels like everything he does is wrong. I've told him I've not been repeatedly criticizing him at all, but he feels like I have.

I do have faults - I am pedantic in an argument and will labour my point beyond the stage where I really should. I know this, it's not something I'm proud of. But today, I think he was gaslighting me - I didn't have a go at him, but he reacted as though I did, then reverse engineered it to insist that I had done, then got angry with me when I denied it. When I told him I couldn't remember having a go at him, he admitted he couldn't remember it either but it must have happened because he wouldn't have reacted that way if I hadn't done so.

Next time - let him leave. Don't beg, don't tell him to stop. Just tell him to go.

How do I de escalate these arguments? If he's determined that I've criticized him, I feel the need to defend myself from that accusation. I find it almost impossible to let it go.

Classic gaslighter. The guy has proper issues. He's got the over the top "I can't do ANYTHING right, EVERYTHING I do is wrong". This deflects from the actual details of the argument and stops him having to be blamed. He's manipulative. Stop blaming yourself, like you've done anything wrong. Doesn't matter if you're pedantic. So am I, I don't back down at all in arguments I've had in the past. Because I used to be a doormat but then I learned to fight my corner and my ex hated that I could do that.

Next time - let him leave. Don't beg, don't tell him to stop. Just tell him to go.

Yes, I've told him that's what i will do. I won't stop him from leaving next time. He says he does it to get space, not to leave me but to just take some time away to calm down. But I think packing his bag and driving off in the middle of an argument is done to punish me.

He's got the over the top "I can't do ANYTHING right, EVERYTHING I do is wrong".

Yes hes said that a lot. Then asked me to tell him one thing he's done that was right - I was stumped, and he used that as further proof that everything he does is wrong.

You're trying to find ways to appease him, ways to de-escalate arguments. Why are you doing that? You know you don't need to fix this, right? You can't fix an abuser. You need to break up with him.

Tell him that everything he does IS wrong. He's insecure and wants validation that he's a good person. He's looking to get that from you because he's incapable of getting it from himself - because his self esteem is very low, he knows he's a shit person.

This deflects from the actual details of the argument and stops him having to be blamed.

Yes that's how it feels. Hence as soon as he over reacts I've been trying to disengage so that he cannot blame me for his further escalation.

His escalations have been MASSIVELY disproportionate - and he fully admits that after the event, he knows he's not balanced. But today, I did escalate and completely broke down because I'm exhausted by it and I was gaslighted.

Why are you doing that? You know you don't need to fix this, right? You can't fix an abuser.

I love him, he's a wonderful partner, apart from these awful arguments. I thought wed got past it - we hadn't argued like this for a long time, until this latest batch which I've put down to lockdown cabin fever

Yes absolutely. I think there's a definite cycle. He knows that by threatening to leave, it completely removes my control of the situation so that all I can do is beg him not to go.

It is manipulative, but you do have some control. Call his bluff, go 'ok.' 'Bye,' and block. You don't need him. Only if you need him does this tactic work. Sort out anything you need to financially etc if there's anything, so you don't feel powerless. That's all you have to do

I know that's easy to say but you sound like you have it in you. xxx

I think you need more effective ways of giving each other feedback (better word than criticism). Couples counselling may help. It all comes down to communication and it sounds like he brings some nasty habits to the table due to his previous relationship. But then it's possible you could learn better ways of communication too? Only you can know if he is borderline abusive though and PPs are right - no couple therapy can help with that issue.

He absolutely loves you begging him to stay. That's why he's provoking arguements, so you'll end up grovelling even though it was him who started it.

The exes are never pschos. It's him.

Couple of things -

He's go a fiery temper? Get rid

You beg him to stay? Never, ever beg. It throws the balance of a relationship out - you are giving him power over you, power to hurt you, power to make himself the Most'Powerful one in the relationship. Never beg. If he threatens to leave, take the Power back, and let him. If it is worth it (the relationship) you will need to find a different dynamic, whereby you both trust each other not to hurt each other.

you 'nag' him? Please stop using the word nag. It is only ever used as a slur against women. Men ask, 'forcefully', 'repeatedly' or 'commandingly', they don't nag. It demeans your actions and wishes. You are not a nag if you wish him to take notice of your wish, your query, your voice.

He's over the top? Get rid.

Honestly, after only 12 months, I would consider that the man I knew is now showing his true colours - he's threatening, shouty, flouncy, dismissive and childish. THIS is who he is.

Get rid.

It is manipulative, but you do have some control. Call his bluff, go 'ok.' 'Bye,' and block. You don't need him. Only if you need him does this tactic work

You're right - I will definitely do that next time. This morning I couldnt because he was heading off to work and I wanted to make things ok before he went.

These episodes always seem to happen before a big event - either me going away for work, or him (in normal times). It's like the impending change unsettles him

He says he does it to get space, not to leave me

And yet he doesn't actually go and stay anywhere else, which makes it seem more like a manipulative threat.

If he did go and stay anywhere else, you could take charge and dump. Don't allow him to hurt you, or to have all the power.

I love him, he's a wonderful partner, apart from these awful arguments. I thought wed got past it - we hadn't argued like this for a long time, He's not a wonderful partner.

You haven't known ihm a long time, let along had a long time without an argument.

Get ready to have the rest of your relationship like this. He will not change (Why would he? he's holding all the Power) and he will actively resist this relationship changing (again, it works for him)

Get out now, before you've wasted 10 years trying to fix him, and have brought children into this toxic dynamic.