Another irrational fight over nothing - please help me to rationalise

[LockdownBlues]

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 months. We've been spending most of our free nights together either at his house or mine, so at the start of lockdown we moved in together to my house.

Things have been lovely, but over the last few days we've had some blazing rows over irrational stuff. We have a history of huge arguments - DP suffers from self esteem and abandonment issues due to the breakdown of his previous relationship. His ex was a narcissist and a compulsive liar (I've seen plenty of evidence, not just taking his word on this), so he's incredibly sensitive.

Our rows over the past few days have always started off with me being a bit grumpy / short with him over something totally inconsequential. He then over reacts, tells me he thinks I'm criticizing him (I'm not), and tells me he feels everything he does is wrong. He has a fiery temper, so every argument has resulted in him shouting, and packing his bag to go back to his house, but backing down when I beg him to stay.

This morning, we were tense after the past few days of arguing. It was our last morning together before he goes away for work for a week - so I guess we were both feeling the pressure. We were lying in bed together having a cuppa before he left, but he was engrossed in his phone rather than talking to me. I asked him to put his phone down - I think I nagged him a bit, but he accused me of having a go at him. He stormed out, I begged him to come back, and we had a huge argument about whether I'd had a go at him or not! He's now left for work, and I'm gutted that once again we've had a massive row over nothing.

I feel like we've both wound ourselves up into a Catch22 situation where if I say anything in the wrong tone, he assumes I'm 'having a go at him' and we then argue about it and it turns into something MUCH worse.

I'm gutted - he's gone away to work now, I won't see him for a week.

Is it just lockdown blues?

so he's incredibly sensitive.

From what you describe, he is anything but, except perhaps when it comes to HIM and HIS feelings. Definitely not in any way sensitive towards you and your feelings.

As has been suggested, tell him you need a break, and take things from there.
Personally, life is too short for coping with all of that drama from someone who is supposed to love you.

When he says he's going to leave, be that in public or anywhere, say 'ok bye', turn away and go. No need for noise or drama, just quiet decisiveness.

Yes, tell him it seems best if you live apart for a while to defuse the tension. I bet when he doesn't have you begging him to come back, that will be quite an eye opener.

You sound dangerously like a self-appointed 'fixer'.

Are you a psychiatrist or psychologist? Didn't think so. You don't have magical powers enabling you to change other people, either.

Feel free to fail and be miserable if that's your bag. At least you'll be able to talk at length about exactly why you're miserable, eh?

Or are you just a hobby analyser? You can do that here, online, from a safe distance. No need to expose yourslf to real life arseholes.

Lundy Bancroft even describes a “Mr Sensitive” type.

OP he sounds incredibly immature and incapable of having a relationship.

It doesn't really matter why someone behave the way they do, it matters how it affects you.

You're obviously not happy, crying and have huge two or three day rows that all have one thing in common, your boyfriend and his needs.

He's like a toddler having tantrums that go on for days and make sure everything centres around him. He is gaslighting you which is emotionally abusive and you can't trust what his family say about his ex because he's the one who told them about her.

You are making excuses for his behaviour because you are trying to convince yourself that there are reasons and if there are reasons it can be fixed, but I'm afraid it can't. You're wasting your time with him OP. Eventually the choice as a pp said is, don't have needs or you'll set him off.

Asking someone to pay some attention to you is a perfectly reasonable request. He doesn't like being told what to do and you have internalised his misogyny, you're the 'nag' and 'hysteric' - these are misogynistic terms.

You begging him to stay, when he threatens to storm out like a three year old, is playing into his hands. He loves the power that gives him. It also centres the relationship firmly back on him and his needs. Everything becomes about him. You then have days of long discussions about why he's like that. So that's three days of tantrums and then another few days of 'discussions' where all the attention is focused on him. That's at least a week of me me me for him - he loves it.

It doesn't matter if his ex was Rose West, that's his problem to deal with. He needs to be a grown up and seek help for his frankly ridiculous behaviour.

You are consumed with all this, trying to work out how you can help him because no one leaves someone who is 'mentally unwell'. OP, this cycle is continuing because you are playing along with it and you are as much to blame for it as him. Next time he threatens to leave, tell him to leave his key and make sure he takes all his stuff. There is no future for you in this.

I also suggest you read up on co dependence and get yourself some therapy OP. You're a 'fixer' and that way misery lies.

Your boyfriend is giving off big red flag for Borderline Personality Disorder here. This type is said to often attract narcissists & while he may have been a victim of narcissistic abuse this DOES NOT give him any right to pass his issues onto you. Anybody who had issues & plays them out in future relationships has emotional problems best dealt with by a professional psychologist.

Classic theatrics of him packing his bags, only for you to beg him to stay. Guaranteed he loves the drama aspect, seeing how much you will beg for him to not leave.

See what happens when you wave him off - they will come crawling back or he will be shacked up with someone else shortly. Bet he can’t bear to be alone & these people seem to feel so deeply yet apparently can’t see past their own nose. His problems always take precedent over yours.

He is damaged & hurt from his past relationship it’s not his fault don’t you know !

Ugh, it's not supposed to be this hard. It really really isn't. I cannot get my head round why people think that it is fine for relationships to be so draining. Find someone you are better suited to.

And they also attract Fixers too - you’re classic co-dependent & focusing on his issues. What about your self care ? Not feeling like your relationship is always on the precipice of some dramatic event causing him to pack his bags to test when you will back down.

He is a stroppy teen/toddler & needs tough love & reverse psychology. It is the only way borderlines learn, due to their arrested development they need strict boundaries & routine, knowing what to expect of situations & people or they run riot over everyone else sooner or later. Discipline him by letting him leave next time he wants to throw a fit & I can almost guarantee he will snap out of his rage, start feeling desperate & Allen & blow up your phone begging for you back. It’s a game with them. It doesn’t end till the face their demons. You won’t fix him, you can’t. He doesn’t even know who “he” really is deep down.

@SpiderStan - thank you, what you suggest is really helpful. Yes I love him and want a future with him, despite the issues. I know this is hard for people to understand and believe me I have read all of the responses here and taken it in.

He doesn't blame his behaviour on his ex - I've made that link, but he doesn't. He owns up to it and accepts that he is irrational and un balanced. After the arguments, he is completely rational and can clearly see that his behaviour was ridiculous.

I have tried recording our arguments, because it does indeed prove that I didn't say the things he accuses me of. But he finds it insulting that I want to record it. I might broach the subject with him again as a coping mechanism.

He does ask for time out from our arguments when he feels like I'm pushing too much. I have a problem knowing when to stop, I admit I do push him too far, but then his reaction becomes disproportionate.

OP, if you want to drag this out longer sorry, have a relationship with him, then at least get some help for yourself.

Look into doing some therapy and read up on co dependence.

Recording arguments is a v bad sign about your wellbeing!

Why do you want a future like this?

OP, if someone that pathetic and unpleasant is a match for you, and you’re determined to cling on despite the evident truth that he’s abusive, well - enjoy.

OP why are you so desperate for this misery inducing, co-dependant relationship? When you allow someone to walk all over you, they do.

You are being manipulated, it's very obvious from the outside, but you are too busy analysing and coming up with 101 excuses.

He has shown you who he is, why don't you believe him?

This feels like a lost cause thread to be honest.

Don't want to derail the issue but my xh behaved like this, nobody has picked up calling you by his exes name which is also a red flag. I was told by wider family things that backed up his story but he was sleeping with her when it suited him. Signs: tetchy around his phone, causing an argument, calling you her name, threatening to leave, yes typical controlling behaviour, also knowing he can pop and see ex. The psycho she's abusive dynamic, he has you invested. Does he know the slightest thing about your ex? Have you called him your exes name? Are you tetchy on your phone? Do you blow up and strop off. Even if he's not cheating with his ex he is stil an abusive person and he won't change no matter how rational he is afterwards

Creating an argument and storming off, is very often the cheater's way of seeing their bit on the side. I know of one relationship where the man caused a rift, stormed off to 'cool off' then went straight to hotels to meet escorts. His partner was then guilt tripped into apologising when he got back for 'driving him away'.

I don't think he actually leaves though. He makes a big show of packing his bags while the OP clings to his ankles begging him to stay. They then spend several days 'calmly and rationally' discussing his behaviour which he 'knows is wrong' and then they do it all over again. Most people watch box sets to keep them occupied.

He sounds like a drama queen.

Is it that you believe you can't do any better OP? Why? Are you scared of being alone? Or is it that you genuinely enjoy playing the saviour?

Either way, you're not interested in looking after yourself and your own interests, are you. You're very determinedly picking people who won't do this for you either. Bit of a wish for self-destruction playing out here. What have you done that's so bad you need to disappear yourself into the bottomless chasm of unworthy people's selfish wants?

record our conversations/arguments!

I thought I needed to do this with abusive Ex. The physiologist that I saw told me how unhealthy this was..sure it might have worked but you are essentially saying the only way you can honest discussions is by policing it. It's the same as having to wear a police bodycam! It suggests you are not on the same side and there is no trust.

Why do you think you need to train him to be healthier? I think you want to stay irrespective of the future because it is still early days and the good days outweigh the bad. The tipping point will come however, probadly if you commit such as house or children.

You may ask how so many people on here are sure...it is because these men are predictable and it is only through painful experience that we learned it. Do your own research as thankfully there is now lots of information about unhealthy relationships.

'After the arguments, he is completely rational and can clearly see that his behaviour was ridiculous'.

Yes, but he still keeps doing it..

As a pp said most of us commenting have learnt from bitter experience. He will NOT change.

My exdp did this, and guess what there was a good reason why his ex was so nasty post break up.
He was forever playing the victim, while constantly doing stupid things. Some little as leaving his clothes everywhere to bigger stuff like sexting other women because he felt insecure and not good enough for me 🤣

I didn't see it clearly at the time, but when I look back there was a pattern and it wasn't me creating it.
My ex made me seem like it was my fault, I actually went to therapy. I was the monster but forget to tell everyone what he did and acted.
I would be careful OP, his issues aren't for you to support by you changing. Your allowed to get grumpy without suddenly triggering him off to feeling bullied.

Also have a look at when these issues happen, see if there is a pattern or it could be that it's the making up part which is the reason he starts reacting so badly.

Are you begging him to stay, are you cuddling more after the fights as in he's getting more attention?...

This is useful for anyone who has a pattern of rescuing partners.

Are you a glutton for punishment?

Yep, I have read the thread, and you are a rescuer. The variant that tries to rescue/save/heal their partner by being reasonable at them.

What is a rescuer? Someone who subsumes or loses their Self for the oh-so-seductive role of being the One Who Understands and Can Help despite their partner's vile behaviour. It makes you feel good - great actually - about yourself. This is the trap that co-dependancy pivots around.

OP, you are losing yourself. Very soon everything you do or say or think or feel will be for him, on his behalf. You secretly think that everyone on this thread doesn't really understand this man, doesn't see how he is struggling to burst forth into goodness. He just needs a little help... You have already invented a huge backstory to explain how his very ordinary cuntishness is the result of his poor, trauma-filled life.

You have converted his cuntishness towards you from being simply utterly unacceptable to being a call for your renewed efforts to Help.

So I've tried to stop when he warns me. But sometimes I get that wrong and I push him too far.

OP can you see how chillingly similar these words are to women who are victims of domestic violence?

"I wouldn't get so angry if you didn't wind me up"'

Why are you so dead set on a relationship that is so toxic? It doesn't have to be like this.

You are not compatible. At all.

Compatibility doesn't mean getting on when things are all good, anyone can do that to an extent.

Real compatibility means you can work through genuinely difficult times. NOT through regular meltdown arguments between the two of you (this doesn't happen in healthy relationships) but through really tough times in life.

You two can't have healthy open honest conversations about stuff like being messy / phone use... how the fuck do you think you're going to be able to cope when something major happens?