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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Another irrational fight over nothing - please help me to rationalise

125 replies

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 11:45

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 months. We've been spending most of our free nights together either at his house or mine, so at the start of lockdown we moved in together to my house.

Things have been lovely, but over the last few days we've had some blazing rows over irrational stuff. We have a history of huge arguments - DP suffers from self esteem and abandonment issues due to the breakdown of his previous relationship. His ex was a narcissist and a compulsive liar (I've seen plenty of evidence, not just taking his word on this), so he's incredibly sensitive.

Our rows over the past few days have always started off with me being a bit grumpy / short with him over something totally inconsequential. He then over reacts, tells me he thinks I'm criticizing him (I'm not), and tells me he feels everything he does is wrong. He has a fiery temper, so every argument has resulted in him shouting, and packing his bag to go back to his house, but backing down when I beg him to stay.

This morning, we were tense after the past few days of arguing. It was our last morning together before he goes away for work for a week - so I guess we were both feeling the pressure. We were lying in bed together having a cuppa before he left, but he was engrossed in his phone rather than talking to me. I asked him to put his phone down - I think I nagged him a bit, but he accused me of having a go at him. He stormed out, I begged him to come back, and we had a huge argument about whether I'd had a go at him or not! He's now left for work, and I'm gutted that once again we've had a massive row over nothing.

I feel like we've both wound ourselves up into a Catch22 situation where if I say anything in the wrong tone, he assumes I'm 'having a go at him' and we then argue about it and it turns into something MUCH worse.

I'm gutted - he's gone away to work now, I won't see him for a week.

Is it just lockdown blues?

OP posts:

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:12

Its highly likely he did that to his ex and has rewritten history for you

You're right, and I have no doubt that he was awful with his ex - he's admitted it himself. But I've seen her behaviour myself - I think she emotionally abused him and crushed his self esteem so that he's ended up how he is now. It was me who told him that she was a narcissist and a compulsive liar - he was still believing her lies and allowing her to abuse him.

I feel like he now projects the abuse he felt from her and assumes I'll behave the same. He has even called me by her name in the heat of arguments in the past. He accuses me of doing things that she's done... when I know I haven't.

OP posts:

Rosemary46 · 09/06/2020 13:16

So he realises he has issues ? What professional help is he getting for this? Does he attend self help and therapy groups?

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:18

Yes he did start seeing a counsellor, but sporadically. I was really happy about that, and I wanted him to continue. He said the counsellor was happy for him to stop, as she had given him some coping strategies. But I think he needs to go again to reinforce it.

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 13:19

I have no doubt that he was awful with his ex - he's admitted it himself.

At that point you could have binned.

But I've seen her behaviour myself

Her behaviour isn't relevant- you aren't in a relationship with her. And who's to say she isn't responding to trying to deal with him- I'm sure to some extent she is.

They always blame the ex.

Sigh. This does happen, at least for a short time, but in the rare event this is most of what it is, he needs help and you should throw him out at least for now until he's sorted himself out- a year or something. In fact, you could stay living apart from him, that way there's less shit from these types.

But honestly, there are billions of men in this world. You could find one that's more consistently nice, and not abusive.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:21

He said the counsellor helped him see that he was being irrational, but also that he was not a bad person.

I think he's lost sight of that now, and spiralled into believing that everything he does is wrong, therefore everything I say is a criticism of him, therefore he fights back.

When he's being rational he has a lot of insight into his behaviour and can see it is wrong. But today, he convinced me this was my fault. Perhaps it was. I did over react and became hysterical and broke down in uncontrollable tears when he started an argument yet again because I'm utterly emotionally exhausted by it.

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 13:21

He said the counsellor was happy for him to stop, as she had given him some coping strategies

You don't know if that's the truth, and it obviously hasn't worked. I doubt he sought therapy for being abusive, cos he tries to pretend he isn't. Therapy doesn't even really work for abusers- they have to find a programme that focuses on what they do rather than on what others do and their feelings.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:24

We don't live together - this is just because of lockdown. So yes, I do have my independence with my own home. Some space will do us good.

In normal times, he's away a lot more with work, and so am I. so we get natural breaks which help a lot. But the cabin fever of lockdown has really started to grind I think.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 09/06/2020 13:25

You’re with a nasty abusive immature little prick OP, and you’re hanging onto him with both hands with such desperation.

It’s really frustrating how much you’re justifying and apologising for him and defending how ‘lovely’ he is really.

So he’s nice to you and then he turns on you, nice to you and then he turns on you...it won’t ever stop, you realise that? That cycle.

Oh and his ex didn’t ‘cause’ him to be this shitty person. That’s just him. The causes will be much, much more deep rooted.

Honestly, this is relationship dregs. Stop being so desperate and so grateful he gives you that little bit of lovely before he manipulates and emotionally attacks you again and again.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 13:25

believing that everything he does is wrong,

But he doesn't believe that, he's denying that. He's sying everything you do is wrong.

When he's being rational he has a lot of insight into his behaviour and can see it is wrong.

Really? Or does he try and excuse it?

I did over react and became hysterical and broke down in uncontrollable tears when he started an argument yet again because I'm utterly emotionally exhausted by it.

No. And 'hysterical' is not a thing. It's not overreacting to be exasperated, miserable, stressed etc at what you're living with.

Rainbowshine · 09/06/2020 13:28

It shouldn’t be this difficult or awful to be in a relationship with someone. He’s making you doubt your sanity and you’re already excusing his behaviour and blaming yourself for “provoking” the arguments. You’re not, he’s just a plain old arsehole and you should give careful consideration of how to end the relationship safely. He sounds like one of those that would make breaking up an excuse to get violent, nasty and adopt stalking and harassing behaviour.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:31

Really? Or does he try and excuse it?

To be fair to him he really does admit hes wrong. He knows he over reacts and becomes irrational.

The problem is he reacts like that, then it goes from being a minor disagreement over something inconsequential to something catastrophic. In the aftermath he complains that I focus on his awful behaviour rather than whatever I did to trigger it in the first place.

I've told him that if he didn't behave like that, then we could rightly focus on whatever was initially wrong, and deal with it... and by behaving like he does, he shifts the focus away, not me.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2020 13:32

This individual is training you and is actively wearing down already weakened boundaries.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Did your dad treat your mother like this?. Make no mistake op, you are indeed in an abusive relationship here and the nice/nasty cycle of abuse he shows you is a continuous one. As it is, your own recovery from his abuses of you will only properly start when you leave him.

2bazookas · 09/06/2020 13:33

Minor grumps are a perfectly normal part of longterm relationships.

If he turns every grump into a melt-down drama , that suggests he's not temperamentally equipped to live as a couple. I'd regard this temporary life together as a timely warning, and be glad his job absence has offered a natural place to end it. c c c

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2020 13:35

He indeed has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

He will not change, this is what he is really like. What too if anything do you know about his family background, that should give you clues too.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:37

Minor grumps are a perfectly normal part of longterm relationships

That's what I keep telling him. He doesn't know how to deal with it. He does sometimes, and we get along just fine.... then occasionally these meltdowns happen, and once it's happened, it turns into a spiral of several days worth of him gettin gmore and more over sensitive and reacting to less and less of a trigger to the point that anything triggers him and I feel utterly helpless. Like today.

OP posts:

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:38

What too if anything do you know about his family background, that should give you clues too.

I know his family, they're lovely and also tell me his ex is / was abusive - so I'm fairly comfortable that is true.

OP posts:

Rosemary46 · 09/06/2020 13:41

You ARE helpless. You cannot change him - this is who he is and so far it’s working well for him. You are learning to STFU and never challenge him or disagree with him.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:41

He indeed has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour

Yes indeed. But the triggers are usually me being grumpy or going on about something - I know I do this. And he asks me to stop. If I don't stop, he completely flips.

So I've tried to stop when he warns me. But sometimes I get that wrong and I push him too far.

But we're talking about me complaining about his phone use, or me explaining something to him, or me deciding something different to him. These triggers are hardly huge crimes.

OP posts:

Dontletitbeyou · 09/06/2020 13:41

You are very engaged in making excuses for him . He does not believe everything he does is wrong , not for a moment . He says it to shut you down , put you on the back foot .
The only thing I can guarantee you is this , this behavior will not stop . This exhausting battle of trying to have the last word , trying to be right , trying not to push any buttons that are going to have him reaching for his bags . If you stay , this is your life . This is as good as it gets . You will look back in years to come and wish with all your heart you had walked away after the first 12 months , rather than wasted years of your life on this BS . Trust me , I know better than most

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2020 13:41

That is what his intention is amongst others, to make you feel helpless and to bend over backwards.

He wants you to feel unsure about your own self and afraid of your own shadow to make his own self feel better. These types of men hate women, all of them.

I would also think you were a very different person too prior to your paths crossing. He targeted you as well, i have no doubt about that at all.

Tlollj · 09/06/2020 13:42

Stop trying to analyse why he’s like it. It’s just who he is. If you don’t break up with him it will get worse and you will be second guessing everything you say and do in case he blows up at you.
It’s like asking why the vicious dog bit you. It but you because it’s a vicious dog.

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2020 13:44

Make him go back to his then he can't stress you out anymore. You can see him without living with him.

Original poster

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:45

I've lost count of the times this weekend that I've said "I didn't say that", "I am not criticizing you", "Please listen to me", "That's not what I said"

He's even got to the point where he will say something, then accuse me of saying it. He heard the words because HE said them, but gets angry with me for saying it. We then spend the next 20 mins with me trying to convince him I didn't say it.

Or I will say something, he will misconstrue it, then accuse me of saying what he THINKS I said. We'll spend the next 20 minutes with me reiterating what I actually did say, and him not believing me.

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 09/06/2020 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowshine · 09/06/2020 13:46

If your friend described this situation to you, that their partner blamed them for every disagreement because they raised something that was bothering or worrying them, and made it into a huge row about having a row, what advice would you give them?

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