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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another irrational fight over nothing - please help me to rationalise

125 replies

LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 11:45

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 months. We've been spending most of our free nights together either at his house or mine, so at the start of lockdown we moved in together to my house.

Things have been lovely, but over the last few days we've had some blazing rows over irrational stuff. We have a history of huge arguments - DP suffers from self esteem and abandonment issues due to the breakdown of his previous relationship. His ex was a narcissist and a compulsive liar (I've seen plenty of evidence, not just taking his word on this), so he's incredibly sensitive.

Our rows over the past few days have always started off with me being a bit grumpy / short with him over something totally inconsequential. He then over reacts, tells me he thinks I'm criticizing him (I'm not), and tells me he feels everything he does is wrong. He has a fiery temper, so every argument has resulted in him shouting, and packing his bag to go back to his house, but backing down when I beg him to stay.

This morning, we were tense after the past few days of arguing. It was our last morning together before he goes away for work for a week - so I guess we were both feeling the pressure. We were lying in bed together having a cuppa before he left, but he was engrossed in his phone rather than talking to me. I asked him to put his phone down - I think I nagged him a bit, but he accused me of having a go at him. He stormed out, I begged him to come back, and we had a huge argument about whether I'd had a go at him or not! He's now left for work, and I'm gutted that once again we've had a massive row over nothing.

I feel like we've both wound ourselves up into a Catch22 situation where if I say anything in the wrong tone, he assumes I'm 'having a go at him' and we then argue about it and it turns into something MUCH worse.

I'm gutted - he's gone away to work now, I won't see him for a week.

Is it just lockdown blues?

OP posts:
Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 12:42

I think you need more effective ways of giving each other feedback (better word than criticism).

Yes I think so too, I think rule number one is we don't do it in the heat of an argument but talk after some time to reflect

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 09/06/2020 12:44

“Watch your tone, woman. WATCH YOUR TONE OR I WILL GO MENTAL AND THREATEN TO LEAVE YOU.”

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 12:47

You beg him to stay? Never, ever beg. It throws the balance of a relationship out - you are giving him power over you, power to hurt you, power to make himself the Most'Powerful one in the relationship. Never beg. If he threatens to leave, take the Power back, and let him. If it is worth it (the relationship) you will need to find a different dynamic, whereby you both trust each other not to hurt each other.

Yes, definitely going to try this. He seems to do the threatening to leave thing at times where I don't have a choice but to beg him to stay. He also does it where I'm paranoid about other people hearing - e.g. in public so I beg him to stop, or in this case at my house, in the doorway, where the neighbours could hear everything. I live on an estate where everyone knows everyone else's business and I'm mortified they might have heard the argument.

OP posts:
DuvetDay1212 · 09/06/2020 12:48

Look at the big picture - do you want kids? If you do, how do you think he will be as a father? The arguments will get worse when you throw kids into the mix. Will he do it to the kids as well? That's when things would properly escalate but you would be tied to him for life if you had kids, and he'd probably use them against you.

The guy is bad news. I can see it. I can see how things will play out, because I've been there. Thank fuck I didn't have kids with my ex.

Why are you giving him more chances? Imagine breaking up with him and never having to endure his temper again. How freeing that would be! Guys with fiery tempers are absolute cunts - all of them.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 12:51

Can you imagine bringing children into this relationship and him doing this to them - because he will. If you bring children into this dynamic it will then become your fault too. At the moment he's a nasty piece of work and you're just being weak.

He's at fault here not you - he's forcing you to humiliate yourself by abasing yourself and begging him over and over and over because if you don't he'll publicly and loudly humiliate you - humiliation either way.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 12:52

You're right - I will definitely do that next time. This morning I couldnt because he was heading off to work and I wanted to make things ok before he went

I know what it's like to find it hard to assert yourself in the moment (though it sounds like you do sometimes assert yourself which is great, like with the phone thing- this is probably what you've been conditioned by society to think of as 'nagging,' but it's not nagging to ask for what you want.)

I just checked and it's your house. I think I would just txt him on the day he's on his way back and say you've left all his stuff outside, or something like that, or if you have a key to his, take it back. I know that's easy to do though.

If you have money you could change the locks. A locksmith will still come out now.

These episodes always seem to happen before a big event - either me going away for work, or him (in normal times)

Maybe it's so he has some power over you in that upcoming period.

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 12:52

This morning's argument was caused when I asked him to put his phone away and talk to me in bed rather than be engrossed in it. He stormed off - then came back and told me I'd had a go at him.

I genuinely dont think I did - but he insists I did. I said I don't remember having a go, and he admitted he doesn't remember what I said, but that 'you must have been going on at me for me to ask you to stop'. He's gaslighting me isn't he.

He then gave me an example of what I'd said which caused him to storm off. I told him that the example he gave actually happened after he had stormed off and come back, so it couldn't have been the cause of him storming off. He then accused me of gaslighting him....

OP posts:
AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 12:54

Lockdown its transparently obvious that even you know he's an abusive peice of shit and you neeed to get rid.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 12:54

*easy to say

Hushabusha · 09/06/2020 12:55

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? I'm exhausted thinking about it.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 12:55

Just read all your own posts back - you don't even need to read anyone else's.

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 12:56

He's got DCs from his previous relationship. I can't have kids, so it's not an issue. He is a wonderful father - his kids adore him, so that's not a problem here.

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 09/06/2020 12:58

If you’re arguing like this about the small daily events then how will you cope with something that really challenges you?

He’s training you to appease him.

AvoidingRealHumans · 09/06/2020 12:58

When he packs his bag and threatens to leave tell him to shut the door on his way out.
Life is too short to put up with this shit and it will likely escalate from the verbal and emotional abuse that it is now.
Don't beg him to stay, you are putting power into his hands.
This is no way to live, dont settle for it

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 12:58

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

I don't and I'm exhausted too. So is he. We want to find a way of not having these destructive arguments, but I don't know if it's possible.

I adore him, and he worships me and treats me incredibly well - apart from these blowups. We've dealt with them in the past - it hasn't been easy and sometimes yes his behaviour has bordered on emotional abuse.

OP posts:
AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 13:00

Of course he is...

You'll be back on here with a miracle pregnancy to this nasty little worm in a year's time if it's infertility due to polycystic overy syndrome.

Once his children reach their teens at least one will go no contact and he'll convince you this is all their mother's fault - what with her being a psycho or whatever.

Your whole life will be a nasty stressful drama. It plays out on these boards with monotonous regularity.

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:00

He has a physically difficult job, and he makes me fell awfully guilty when he has to go to work after several nights of arguments because he will suffer with his sleep.

I think this most recent episode was triggered by him being sleep deprived at work, then feeling stressed about going back to work.

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 09/06/2020 13:02

You can’t fix an abuser. This will only get worse - he’s on his best behaviour now because he’s living at your place.

Can you imagine what he will be like when he’s got you trapped with marriage or pregnancy ?

Please dump him and go for some counselling to work out why you have put up with this for 12 months.

Original poster
LockdownBlues · 09/06/2020 13:02

You'll be back on here with a miracle pregnancy to this nasty little worm in a year's time if it's infertility due to polycystic overy syndrome

Im infertile. A miracle pregnancy would fill me with joy, but it's also completely impossible.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 09/06/2020 13:04

I'm my xh crazy, abusive and narcissistic xw. Apparently.

Rosemary46 · 09/06/2020 13:05

You can analyse him all you want. Work out complicated excuses why he’s not actually responsible for his own behaviour.

It won’t any difference.

He will continue to abuse you and you will continue to explain why it’s really all your fault. And you will become better trained to STFU and do what he wants all the time.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 09/06/2020 13:06

I'm sorry to hear about your infertility as you'd like children. I said what I did because these boards are full of women who were told they couldn't conceive due to PCO but did, in difficult relationships, and became trapped with their abuser.

Abuse very commonly ramps up during pregnancy. Its highly likely he did that to his ex and has rewritten history for you.

NoMoreDickheads · 09/06/2020 13:07

This morning's argument was caused when I asked him to put his phone away and talk to me in bed rather than be engrossed in it. He stormed off - then came back and told me I'd had a go at him.

Not in a bad way- he could have made an effort to pay attention to you/spend proper time with you for a couple of hours if he was going away for a week. It's great that you were assertive- and all you did was ask for what you want, there's nothing wrong in that. I wish I had told my ex to stop playing with his phone for virtually all the time he was with me.

He then accused me of gaslighting him...

This is abuse and you know it.

AliasGrape · 09/06/2020 13:08

Read up on DARVO - sounds like that’s what he’s doing.

My friend had a similar partner, the issues seemed to appear after about a year too (though there were instances beforehand when she looked back), she then spent another year waiting for the ‘real, nice, lovely partner’ him to come back, even putting deadlines on it like ‘I’ll give it till Christmas and if it’s not how it was ....’ I remember saying to her ‘what if this IS the real him and the good bits were the act.’of course she realised that was the case in the end but was so ground down by then (and living together) it took yet another year or so to get out. What a waste of precious life!

Let him go. Yes even if he’s going away with work. You don’t ‘have to’ beg at all.

EngagedAgain · 09/06/2020 13:11

What's the betting when you 'let him go', he won't or he will try to patch things up!