Handhold for Paternity Test Results

[WorriedaboutDNA]

Good morning all. Long time poster, name changed for obvious reason but please can I ask for no judgement.

Long story short, I have a 2 year old son with a man who I am no longer with. It was always a very volatile and nasty relationship from his side. I am a Solicitor by trade and always thought I was a strong and independent woman, but he turned me into a needy, weak person I didn't know.

We eventually separated and it was the best thing ever. I feel free and alive and wonderful. He saw I was doing great and started windling his way in again. He talked me into meeting up and we ended up in bed for 2 days. I was on the pill, there was no use of condom. 2 weeks later my period was late and a test showed I was pregnant. Cutting a very long story short, after tooing and froing we decided to try and give things a go. We moved in together, he cheated, we separated last year and I eventually got my own place 6 months ago. I feel wonderful again and am loving life with just my son.

Ex hasn't taken it well. He feels he has a right to be with me and I have said no numerous times. This is where he kicked off and asked for a DNA test. No problem I say, until I remembered something...

5 days before the 2 day rendezvous with now ex, I had a bit of thing with a guy from work. It was a very random and unexpected quickie and he didn't use a condom, but he pulled out and did his business elsewhere so to speak. It was so quick and rubbish, I genuinely didn't even consider that there is a chance this man could be the father. So now I am absolutely crapping myself.

This man, whilst a crap father, has a lovely extended family who love and support our son and its these people I don't want to hurt if the result goes the wrong way.

So the result is due in between 4.30 and 5.30 today. My stomach is in absolute knots. I feel sick, terrified that the result will go the wrong way. I feel absolutely awful that I have put myself in the situation.

Please, I just need a handhold, not a lecture :(

Good luck op. Hope you get the result you want.

If not you know the truth you didnt set out to deceive ex or his family. Understandably they may be upset, but be kind to yourself.

It only occurred to me when the ex asked for the DNA test a few weeks back. Honestly, I used to be so addicted to this guy that the other guy wasn't in my mind at all.

I can see my ex in him. He has the same odd shaped tongue, I think he has his eyes and he certainly has this same, nasty look my ex has. He also sneezes when its bright. The only people I've ever known do that are ex and his sister. I think its because my son is blonde and we are both very dark. Ex had black hair as a baby and has kept this. I have very dark brown hair but was quite mousy as a baby. The other guy has mousey hair :/

He's asked for the DNA I think because he never really wanted our son. He is back on dating sites and last time he came over to see son he left behind his car seat, buggy, small bag of toys for when he has him. It was very odd but he was obviously having somebody in his car/house who didn't know about his son. I reckon his mum may have something to do with it too. She dislikes me for leaving her "perfect" son and leaving him high and dry (I owned the house and everything in it) I put it up for sale last year and bought somewhere new. He never paid anything towards the mortgage so all I gave him was a small amount for a deposit on his own place. He has a lot of debt and pays minimal maintenance so he'll be trying to get out of that too.

🤚🏼 it's washed to death, with some nice hand cream on - it's all yours!

No judgement at all, well, just a little. Don't let this test suck you back in, ever again!! In some ways it'll be better if he's not the father! If I was part of the extended family, it wouldn't change anything for me, so it may not for them either.

If DS is his, nothing really changes.

I'd try to look at it as positive whatever the result is!

Sex with two men, several days apart - so what? Nothing to judge there. Stop being so hard on yourself 😊

Test-TWAT. My damn phone always changes TWAT to test, bastard thing should know better!

Don't let Ex's mother intimidate you into more contact with DS than you're happy with. One thing you know for sure is that YOU are DS's Mum!

he certainly has this same, nasty look my ex has

I'm sure you feel this is just a genetic quirk not a character trait, but a troubling viewpoint.

God, I am a shitty person aren't I?
Nope, you're not. Not even remotely. Must be such a difficult day for you OP. Are you at work or trying to work at home? Can you distract yourself for a couple of hours with a film or something?
Anyway, whatever the result remember how good a mother you are far, far outweighs anything else.

he certainly has this same, nasty look my ex has

This is a worrying thing to say about a baby

We all make mistakes. The brain does weird things and hides things away until logic kicks in esp when in that addiction type relationship ( believe me I know!!)

You didn’t allow him to raise son with this other man as possibility in head. He’ll struggle to believe that though but you know.

Hand hold for later. I hope you get the results you need.

No, you're not a shitty person, but to be honest, it sounds as if after the initial shock, if the baby isn't your ex's, that may be a good thing! If that did turn out to be the case, if your ex's lovely extended family really love your child, that won't change. I know that if my nieces and nephews suddenly turned out to be not blood relations, it wouldn't change a thing for me.

OP probably just means he has a similar look when angry or something.

My daughter pulls the same 'evils' I do when I'm pissed off. I don't think OP meant it in any other way.

I don’t judge you for your situation and hope you get the result you want. I do think it’s a bit worrying you’re ascribing nasty looks to a tiny baby that are your exes though. It may be worth just taking a step back so you don’t project your negative feelings about your ex onto your son.

Good luck today.

@codename

I’m sure we’ve misread that sentence somehow. I fact that whole paragraph is confusing. I’ve read it several times and feel OP is maybe talking about her two ex’s and some similarities they have but not her baby. I hope she comes back to clarify.

@CodenameVillanelle

he certainly has this same, nasty look my ex has

This is a worrying thing to say about a baby

Yes! Sorry, its like a slow, eye roll. Not often but its awful! Its not his standard resting bitch face.

Good luck

Ah! So it is OP’s baby. Poor poor baby!

To clarify, I don't project any negativity about my ex towards my son. The "look" has always been a joke between myself and ex and it only happens occasionally, but its a look i've only ever seen from him.

Handhold. I’m sure if it’s never crossed your mind before, the other guy isn’t the Dad. Speaking as a mother of two kids, one of whom is the spitting image of their Dad and one who is the spitting image of me, even the one who looks less like her Dad has very clear family resemblances. I assume that the same is true of your son? Same for the child of mine who looks like her Dad. She looks a lot like him, but has very clear traits from my family in her face and body and colouring.

Fingers crossed tightly and holding your hand.

My son was born with ash blonde hair, both his dad and I are nearly black haired. He's now 6 and his hair is certainly brown although not as dark as us, it jsut gets darker every year though. After he was born I saw a picture of my own dad as a baby for the first time, same ash blonde hair, like me he has nearly black hair as an adult. It is more likely it's your ex but hope you get the news you want this afternoon.

OP I am troubled by your comment about the nasty look and whilst I’m sure you love your son very much can I suggest you consider some therapy when this is finalised one way or the other.

Your ex sounds like a very difficult man and there are concerns about his care of your son and his families involvement and yet you describe him previously as having a wonderful extended family and being a good dad?

You sound a bit confused if you don’t mind saying and maybe still not fully engaged with how abusive he was.

It’s so important for our kids that we acknowledge our own feelings towards their abusive father, their own conception and any ongoing relationships with ex and family in order to ensure we safeguard and aren’t affected by hidden hurt.

Good luck today

Sound likely your ex will be the father. Although, to be honest, it would not be end of the world if he wasn’t.

A rough ride initially as the news sinks in, but you would get through it.

Not long now - I hope you get the news you want. But remember the world won’t stop spinning if the results aren’t what you are expecting.

You still have your amazing little boy, and this is just a blip.

Good luck op.

@CodenameVillanelle

Oh god you poor thing No judgement here - we all do stupid things and you didn't think your contraception would fail. It's far more likely to be your ex. One pull out shag on the pill versus several non pull outs over ovulation time. But nobody can make you feel better until the results are in.

This is what I’m clinging onto

I think OP is getting a hard time about the ‘nasty look’ thing. Surely she just means that when he’s angry he pulls the same face that his father does? My lovely DD has her lovely father’s ‘cross face’.

Looking at my period tracking app, it says the few days straight after my period I have a low chance of getting pregnant, then on days 5/6 it goes medium to high so I think it's likely that your ex is the father.