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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would make him not want to be with me?

87 replies

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 19:34

(This happened before lockdown)
Met someone and immediately we got on so well.
We went on dates and he was so nice towards me.
We spoke every day and he seemed interested in taking it further.
He spoke about not sleeping with other women (he previously had a wandering eye )
Anyway everything was going great.
I had a operation (to check for endometriosis)
I wasn't feeling great for two weeks so didn't see him.
After the two weeks I text him asking if he wanted to do something on the Saturday (he made up some lame excuse )
Then I asked for the following Saturday (lame excuse)
We still spoke daily.
Then we organise a date for the Thursday.
Wednesday he texts me "look I don't want us to be a couple,it was meant to be fun and it's got too full on so I backed off"
He admitted to sleeping with two girls the two weeks I didn't see him.
We still text daily and did sleep together three more times he said that.
Did sleeping with them girls make him realise he didn't want commitment with me?
Did he enjoy the single life ?
Did he think if he slept with them girls he must not have liked me enough?

OP posts:

Cloverforever · 07/06/2020 19:39

He's made it clear he just wants sex , not a relationship. Best leave him to it.

PerspicaciaTick · 07/06/2020 19:39

I don't know why this man has decided to treat you so poorly while you have been unwell, although I strongly suspect that "because he could", "because he wanted to" and "because he doesn't respect you" all come into it.

edwinbear · 07/06/2020 19:41

He’s a player. He’s one of those guys who enjoys the chase, then loses interest once he’s got you. You’ve dodged a bullet there.

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/06/2020 19:42

You missed the red flag when he said he 'previously' had a wondering eye. He was warning you while wrapping it in a past tense. He doesn't like women enough to want a relationship with one.

It's actually nothing to do with you as a person. He likes shagging around. He says lovely things to women to get a shag - he probably said the same thing to the other women too.

Don't take his inadequacies and take responsibility for them.

Did you really sleep with him after he told you he'd shagged TWO other womem? Really? Are you still texting? Cos you need to raise your bar.

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 19:44

So do you not think I was anything I did?
I'm kicking myself for not seeing him two weeks but I felt awful after the laparoscopy.
The night of the operation he went out with his friends ( I'm assuming that's when he slept with the girl )

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 07/06/2020 19:44

You still shagged him after he was a bit of a dick to you? Time to pull your self-respect back up from round your knees.

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 19:45

@Thingsdogetbetter it was after when we slept together.
I asked to meet up (after he said just friends ) then he kissed me??
I was confused as he said friends but then asked to kiss me.

OP posts:

PepperPott · 07/06/2020 19:46

He spoke about not sleeping with other women (he previously had a wandering eye )

This statement speaks volumes! It’s such a strange thing to say - did he tell you he had a wandering eye or is it something you noticed?

iklboo · 07/06/2020 19:47

You're well rid love. Delete, delete, delete. Block and move on to someone who deserves you.

TorkTorkBam · 07/06/2020 19:47

You met some bloke went on some dates, he said nice things, then it cooled off. You and he are not compatible. That's all.

Why are you simpering like a loon over a man you hardly know. If it WAS something you did then great, you being normal made him be a dick, bullet dodged. He likes shagging around and will say anything to gullible women to get his leg over.

TorkTorkBam · 07/06/2020 19:48

Negging player.

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 19:48

I had known of him for years but didn't know him personally till we met in a bar.
I knew from mutual friends what he was like.
One actually said "you aren't the only one he texts"

OP posts:

Tabithha · 07/06/2020 19:48

You need to find some self respect. This will be an unpopular opinion but he’s treating you like shit because you’re letting him. Unfortunately some men are dicks and will happily treat a woman like trash at the first sign of insecurity/ lack of self respect. You should have blocked him when he told you he slept with someone else

Janaih · 07/06/2020 19:49

It's nothing you did or didnt do, please dont question yourself. Just work on your fuckboy radar because it seems to be very wonky.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2020 19:49

We still text daily and did sleep together three more times he said that.

I assume you mean you slept with him three times after he said it.

Why on earth would you do that? Why are you texting this complete waste of space? Where are your boundaries? This man is just after a shag. Nothing more, nothing less. Why are you putting up with that?

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 19:50

Thing is I only slept with him because I genuinely liked him.
I developed feelings and thought he did too.
It was almost like he did a u turn
He said he had been faithful the 5 weeks we were "doing our thing"

OP posts:

Ylark79 · 07/06/2020 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Honeyroar · 07/06/2020 19:50

Stop wasting your time texting him anymore. He’s a let down, a disappointment, not who you thought he was. Don’t let him play you anymore.

PepperPott · 07/06/2020 19:52

One actually said "you aren't the only one he texts"

So he didn’t ‘previously have a wandering eye’. He always did.

You did nothing wrong - in fact a seriously dickish move to do what he did to you. but you do need to pick up on these signs early and not give them a free pass. You already knew he was like this.

backseatcookers · 07/06/2020 19:56

How old are you OP? I'm not asking that in a snarky way, but trying to gauge if your naivety is based on being young and inexperienced or if you do have relationship experience - if the latter then I think you need to work on yourself and stay single for a while to avoid falling into this kind of arrangement again.

You're asking why he stopped seeing you - he has told you why. He doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you, he wants to see other people.

And yes, if he was sleeping with other people then he didn't like you 'enough' to be exclusive. But that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. If someone wants to remain single but sleep around, then nobody is 'enough' because they aren't looking for just one person.

You're giving this way too much headspace and letting it get to you. You were seeing someone, it didn't work out and now it's over.

Onwards and upwards.

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/06/2020 19:59

He clearly means just friends who have sex. He does not link sex to a relationship. You do. You are not compatible. And you will get your heart broken.

He was quite happy to lead you on as long as got what he wanted. Sex. However, now he thinks he's got you hooked, he's being honest about not wanting a relationship because he can then continue to shag you (if you let him) and blame you for taking it as a sign of he wanting to progress things.

If you continue to be available in an attempt to prove you are worthy or in hope that he will change, he will trot out the old "but I told you I didn't want a relationship, it's not my fault you didn't listen".

You're already wondering if it's you that's unworthy- which means you are things of ways you can change yourself to make yourself 'worthy'.

All so a fuckboy will want you. He doesn't want a gf, worthy or not. He wants women who will leap through hoops to please him on done vain hope he'll sudden change.

He won't. But you will - your self esteem will crash!

Notmoresugar · 07/06/2020 20:00

Find someone who deserves you.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong.
This guy is a piece of shit to do that to you.
Good luck

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 20:03

@backseatcookers I'm 28 but I've only had 1 relationship and that was only 1 year.

OP posts:

Crystalspider · 07/06/2020 20:04

He did lead you on which was shit of him but I think you need to establish want you are looking for before you sleep with someone, have a talk before to find out their intentions are they looking for something casual or relationship, if they say relationship may sure you go on dates without sex until you both decided your committed, players quite often won't want to spend the time money and effort with no sex in exchange.

Also red flags just as admitting they've had a wandering eye in the past isn't a good sign and hearing that you aren't the only one he texts.

I wouldn't take it personally, he's a player and prob treats all women the same. Raise your standards.

Original poster

whatsnewlussy · 07/06/2020 20:04

@Thingsdogetbetter it's funny you should say that.
After we slept together (after he told me about sleeping with the girl ) he said he kissed another girl on a night out.
I got angry ..then he said "but I told you I didn't want a girlfriend "
So already I feel like I can't complain of him talking /texting others etc

OP posts:

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