What would make him not want to be with me?

[whatsnewlussy]

(This happened before lockdown)
Met someone and immediately we got on so well.
We went on dates and he was so nice towards me.
We spoke every day and he seemed interested in taking it further.
He spoke about not sleeping with other women (he previously had a wandering eye )
Anyway everything was going great.
I had a operation (to check for endometriosis)
I wasn't feeling great for two weeks so didn't see him.
After the two weeks I text him asking if he wanted to do something on the Saturday (he made up some lame excuse )
Then I asked for the following Saturday (lame excuse)
We still spoke daily.
Then we organise a date for the Thursday.
Wednesday he texts me "look I don't want us to be a couple,it was meant to be fun and it's got too full on so I backed off"
He admitted to sleeping with two girls the two weeks I didn't see him.
We still text daily and did sleep together three more times he said that.
Did sleeping with them girls make him realise he didn't want commitment with me?
Did he enjoy the single life ?
Did he think if he slept with them girls he must not have liked me enough?

@whatsnewlussy

Stupid question but if you get on with a person and like them why don't you want to be with them? Why sleep with random women when you can hopefully start something good?

So many reasons Avoidant attachment style - feeling uncomfortable with intimacy so prefers arms length sex based relationships Misogyny- believes women are only good for sex and drudge work and the real intimate relationships are only for male friends Heartbreak - might be getting over a serious relationship and sensibly not want another one Likes you a bit but doesn't see a future Etc etc Just getting on well and fancying each other does not mean you'll have a relationship. You need to learn that lesson pronto.

I definitely don’t think this is about you, or reflects negatively on you in any way, OP.

This guy was clear about the fact that he was looking for no-strings fun, not a full-on relationship with you or with anyone else. And as long as he is honest about it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is not compulsory to seek commitment.

Good luck with finding someone who is looking for the same things you are looking for.

People do this because they don't want the commitment of a relationship.

And there's nothing wrong with that. I suspect he thought he might be up for it at the beginning and now isnt.

At least he is telling you upfront. Though I do suspect he wasn't exactly sure from the start.

Wanting a relationship isn't a superior choice, just a different choice. Theres no right or wrong.

I suspect, though, you are going to keep going along with this and in 2, 3, 4 years still getting upset and moaning about his lack of commitment or finding out he has been with someone else. Hurting yourself.

He's taking advantage of your vulnerability, knowing you want more and because you like him so much he keeps feeding you enough attention so you sleep with him.

Men like this are really not appealing, who knows where his community dick has been or what std's he might have, yuck! please for your own worth stop talking to this trash.

Because not everyone is like you or I. There are a lot of people out there who don't care about intimacy, they only care about their ego and their dong.

Or, they just dont want a relationship.

You’re a shag to him. While you were recovering from surgery for endometriosis he was fucking other girls. He’s not relationship material.

I am sorry OP. He is being honest with you. He is not willing to give any more of himself to you.

I am unsure what age bracket you fall into but from my late teens to early 20's I wasted time on guys that would not commit. My self esteem was in the gutter, I slept with them first assuming a relationship would follow. I ended up being their booty call, never a girlfriend, never meeting their parents, never spending daytime hours with them. It made me feel worthless which was how I already viewed myself anyway. I accepted the lie that I was not 'girlfriend' material.

Do not settle for less than you want. No man is worth it.

I have been married for over a decade now and when I think back to that period of my life, I feel shame.

This guy was clear about the fact that he was looking for no-strings fun, not a full-on relationship with you or with anyone else. And as long as he is honest about it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is not compulsory to seek commitment.
This.
He is a player and doesn't want any emotional commitment. He's made it quite clear to you and it doesn't make him a bad person. Chalk it up to experience and block him.

Even if this guy had a lightbulb moment where he realised he was in love with you (he won’t, but in theory), he’d still be crap boyfriend material. You know he’s a cheat and a player...how could you possibly trust him going forward?
Right now you’re experiencing the pain of unrequited love but it’s less to contend with than the ongoing paranoia and mistrust of being with a player whom you know will inevitably cheat on and lie to you. Because he would. And you know it.

I feel a bit stupid for going down his throat when I found about the other 2 girls.
I should have just walked away.
I asked him why ? And called him a arsehole.
We weren't even official.
That was his defence
"We weren't together"
He denied saying to me that I classed me as his girlfriend.

He wasnt a very nice person op.
The sort of people who act really into you and then fling 'but we weren't together' back at you are knobs.

But, you found little naive as this person sounds like they gave you clues to their character before now and you didnt see it...or didn't want to.

You need to protect yourself better in future. Read up on red flags of narcissists ect... or another asshole will be along in a minute.

He doesn't want a relationship. He's told you that himself. Listen to him!

The longer you hold out hoping for something more, the more hurt you'll be.

Save yourself the future heartbreak and end it now.

OP, move on and him him off. He doesn’t deserve your time and energy. He’s a dickhead! No further explanation needed.

If think really the question would be why are you still giving him and headspace.

Find something better to occupy your thoughts. All the best.

Op no matter how accommodating or understanding you are this bloke will not love you back.

You are incompatible. Block him

It’s nothing you have or havent done.
He’s telling you in the strongest of terms he doesnt want a relationship but just wants fun. I’d move on - he’s not for you

It sounds like your classic commitment-phobe. Scared himself off by even the thought of settling down. Not a nice thing to happen to you, but it's not personal. At least you found out now before things got more serious.

I'm not trying to change him,I know he doesn't want what I want.

Why sleep with random women when you can hopefully start something good?

You answered your own question by your first statement. He is not on the same page as you.

I'd end the relationship. All it is doing is hurting you.

@whatsnewlussy
Please tell me you're going to stop talking to him now?

You’re not stupid for going off at him when you found out about the other girls. It was an unexpected shock. But you’d be stupid to let this carry on any further. This guy just wants shags and will tell you whatever to get it. He’s a player. He’ll hurt you.

I have to cut all contact don't I.
I can't continue texting him when I know he will have slept with random women on nights out.
Forever wondering who he is texting and if she's funnier than me.
It's gonna wreck my self esteem

I wish he told me from the start it wouldn't go any further.
Before I got feelings.

Cut it off now. Rip it off like you would a plaster.

He might not have known how he felt at the start. Sometimes you like the idea of someone and then it's apparent that you're not suited or the right feelings aren't there. I'm sorry to say this but if he honestly really liked you and thought you were worth him committing to, then he would have. He hasn't and he's sleeping with other women. Stop wasting your time and your feelings on this guy. He's not the one for you. Trust me, when a man is into you they pull out all the stops to make you know.

In the first few months of seeing somebody, it's helpful, I think, to keep in mind that you don't yet know that person well and it may not last. Don't have heart-to-hearts, don't tell them your secrets; instead enjoy their company and the getting to know you stage.

I had an amazing first year with my now DH, but all that time I felt I could walk away if he treated me badly or just turned out not to be compatible. Of course it would've hurt, but I knew there was a lot I still didn't know about him, so it was quite possible it wouldn't work out.