Advice needed as I feel like I'm going mad.
So I have been dating somebody for just over a year. He was with a women for 17 years, they have a 4 year old son, married and still lived together at the time we first met.
I was not very happy about dating a man who was still married albeit separated but still living with his wife so I was very hesitant about getting to know him and catching any sort or feelings plus I had just got out or a relationship myself and wasn’t really ready for anything. He chased me a lot and treat me like a queen with gifts and dinners etc.
He explained to me that the marriage hadn’t worked for a long while and the only reason he still was living in the same house was because he was there for his son. He used to put his son to bed every night then go out and was never at home day or night, he said this was just because of the unpleasant atmosphere and they were not getting on too well and it was awkward.
About 8 months after that he bought a house and moved out and I have been with him ever since, this was a year ago.
We have had a lot of arguments in that time. We are both strong characters and do clash a lot.
So down to the issue!
I would never ever ever want to come between a mother and father of a child at all, I would always encourage a good healthy relationship for the sake of the child and their future. However, I personally feel that a few things are a little questionable and I would really like some advice.
So he is a stand up guy, a very loyal dad and would do anything for his son, but that seems that is goes as far as his child’s mother too.
Firstly, the child is in nursery full time and she doesn’t work at all, he supports her with everything, food, mortgage, house, car etc. Don’t get me wrong, this is nice but he isn’t exactly loaded. Iv seen messages on his phone about him taking her car to get fixed, her sorting his car service for him through a mutual friend along with a few other things. He assures me that they only talk about things to do with their son but I have seen she has sent him pictures of candles all around the lounge when she had a power cut and texts with her wishing him a good night at work and that she was having friends round for drinks etc.
He had his son a couple of nights a week, and he pops to see him a few times between. They speak on the phone a few times a day, when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep and other bits in between, then there is the texts on top of that, images of anything either of them get up to with the child, they get the bouncy castle out, pictures exchange, one of them takes him to the beach, pics exchange, he could be sat on the sofa watching tv and pics are back and forth daily, I understand you want to know your son is ok when not there but this just seems a lot to me!
A few weeks ago we watched a AGT audition where a child with autism sings, I saw that he had sent it to her in a text, I questioned this and he said he was consoling her because she was upset with their sons development.
She knows he is dating somebody else, but he has also told me that she is still in love with him and she holds on to the hope that one day he may go back to her. The kisses on texts only stopped a couple on months ago after I repeatedly told him i felt it was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. She has turned up at the house a couple of times too, unannounced for random things with no urgency at all.
I have told him how I feel on several occasions but he doesn’t talk about it, we have had several arguments about it, some where I have packed my stuff and left and we haven’t spoken in sometimes weeks at a time. He told me that he hasn’t told him mum about me as she would maybe think less of me for being with a man that is still married. I have asked him when he plans to get a divorce, on several occasions and he has said he will bring it up in September when his son goes to school full time as he doesn’t want the household dynamics to be effected where his son is living as he isn’t sure how she will take it.
Anytime we argue about it all and how I feel about the relationship is a little too intense he gets very defensive, he is a calm guy but when I eventually get a rise out of him he tells me “it’s my son, I have responsibilities, she is the mother to my child” this makes me feel like I am trying to cause an issue between him and his son when I am most certainly not! Every time it comes up he just says “oh same thing again” but he doesn’t talk about it, doesn’t even try to see my side of it, he just tells me I am here with you and you are my priority and then it all starts again and nothing changes. I don’t want to be a nagging women at all but I just feel like something has to give. Is it me? 